Atramentous to Vibrant

[Chart]

Aphotic, I have a friend like that... Remember the Bruce Springsteen song "Glory Days"? Kinda like that

If I might suggest something, telling people you have Cptsd/Did is simply giving information. I don't think you are making "excuses". And as well, I believe excuses can also be perfectly valid.

I've found that when I open up and tell people I have Cptsd, the reaction I get is to my honesty and rarely "shock" about something like I'm diseased or defective. When I explain my condition, people are almost always very interested. I put this down to "real experiences". I think most people are indeed quite bored with talking about the weather. But that's just my experience. Not suggesting or pressing an agenda. Just food for thought.

Foo for Christmas, ooh boy. You are one brave soul!!!

What's the chance you could send everyone a list of "rules" before they come? Would they even respect those rules?

Very happy to hear your positives!
 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Aphotic,

I'm excited to see that one of your alters opened up for your therapist. That's when true healing gets traction.

I resonate with Chart. Whooboy. I stopped inviting my FOO over. I finally decided it was time to celebrate with people who want to have a nice time, and not those who want to work out their own grievances at my expense.

My wife and I have stopped apologizing to our guests when our house isn't in perfect condition. In fact, our house is NEVER in perfect condition anymore. Carpets need replacing and we don't care. It's OUR house. Not theirs. Now, we just say, "This is how we live" and so far, everyone we've said that to is okay with it.  My mother had a perfect house. It was not fun living in a perfect house. I was not perfect. So I really didn't fit into it. 

I am pulling for you. I hope Christmas with the FOO doesn't get under your skin. Even if they say criticizing things, you can smile and shrug and say, "welcome to my world. This is how I live."

My evil sister used to criticize everything I did. But she was the biggest slob out of all 5 of us siblings. It seems to be the way humans push their own guilt onto others.

On our deathbeds, few of us are going to regret a lifetime of not doing enough housework.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Chart,
You've reminded me that I'm still not quite sure what 'excuses' actually are. I'd been gaslight as a child to believe that any sort of excuse is considered to be 'backchat' or 'defiance'. I wasn't allowed to excuse myself as a kid for anything, and I began to feel guilty over any kind of fault - even if it wasn't my own. Even on days where I was physically ill, I was made to feel guilty when I was unable to clean or study. Because according to my F, being ill "is an excuse", and I should do what I am told regardless. I wonder if my T can help me re-learn the definition of what an 'excuse' actually is.

Thanks Papa Coco,
Your confidence is inspiring. You are totally right, it is YOUR house. And hey, when I go over to other people's houses, I don't mind the condition of their house either. I can't tell you how many times I've entered someone's house where things have been hoarded or the furniture is in pieces. But... I just don't care. It's not my house, not my place, so why should I care? If my FOO has anything to say about my house, it is completely meaningless to me. I just hope I can keep reminding myself that when they do eventually arrive.

---

I've recently decided to avoid social media and also most news/current affairs, and wow, it's made a big difference for my mental health (or its the antidepressants, or both lol). It's given me more time to focus on myself and those close to me, and it's been a lot easier to wind down these days. Although, I am a moderator of some online communities so I can't just... run off into the sunset. But I did make the decision to only reply to someone if it's related to a moderator duty. Otherwise, any general discussions, small talk, debates, I just ignore. It was really hard to follow this new decision at first, because I have so much to say. lol But then I realised how peaceful it is to just... be a passive observer, and wow... when I'm no longer actively fighting against it, the drama, hate, and ignorance seems to just roll off my shoulder.

I highly recommend this lifestyle change to others. Now instead of pointless discussions that go nowhere (because you know how stubborn internet users are), I am filling out crosswords, practicing my English and math skills, and playing bingo on my phone before I go to bed - it is incredibly relaxing.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[rainydiary]

Aphotic, I appreciate you sharing about the boundaries you've set with social media. 

[SenseOrgan]

Awesome! It's nice to see how much your decision has brought you right away.
We're all still in this social experiment, having to decide how to interact online, on what platform, when, for how long, etc. It can be a really toxic environment, amping up reactivity. For socially isolated people it can be a great opportunity too. It's complicated. Digital hygiene has become vital for mental health, I think. A friend once told me he checks his whats-app messages once a day, at a time he decided upon beforehand. That's a very good balance, I think. Enjoy your regained freedom 

[Hope67]

Hi Aphotic,
I also avoid social media and current affairs etc from time to time, and I agree that it makes such a difference to do that.  I love that you're enjoying filling out crosswords, practicing your skills and playing bingo - and that you're finding it incredibly relaxing - that is great.   
Hope

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you, rainy, SenseOrgan, and Hope. I'm glad you can all appreciate my ruling against social media.

I've been debating whether to step back from Discord (social media) moderation as well. If I do that, then my only online obligations would be work + moderating my wiki. I don't know if I'm making the right decision. I of course want to avoid social media, but I probably shouldn't completely isolate myself either. I just find myself so uncomfortable and triggered by people online. But am I only avoiding my problems? Am I distancing myself for the sake of my mental health, or because I'm scared of people? Is it better to jump ship and swim than to patch the holes in my boat?

But I don't see how I could ever patch those holes. I don't get along with any of these people, no matter how hard I try. Everyone's views and perceptions of the world are so different to mine, I feel like a dragon trying to befriend a school of fish. I don't understand them, they don't understand me. I don't belong - I don't even belong with the people who say they don't belong, that's how much I don't belong. Honestly sometimes I find it easier to perceive myself as a monster, because then at least it's expected for me to be so alone. Then it's expected that I might hurt others (accidentally), which would explain why people don't like interacting with me. I actually really want to help others, but for some reason it always comes out... wrong, truly, a misunderstood and lonely monster.

Unrelated to social media, and on a lighter note: This is very small but for the past 2 weeks I've been consistently making my bed after I wake up in the morning. It's not really worth much but... my bed looks so good when it's tidied like that. Though, I'm more amazed by the principle of being able to do something positive for so many days in a row, even if it is small.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Hope67]

Hi Aphotic,
Feeling like a dragon trying to befriend a school of fish - that's an excellent analogy to describe how you felt.  I'm interested by how I pictured that scene - I saw you as a lovely dragon, rather than a misunderstood and lonely one - but please forgive my mentioning it, as it is how you feel that is important.  I am annoyed at my 'rule' not to edit myself - as now I've written this, I feel a bit embarrassed.  But I'll leave it there.  Sending you a hug 
Hope

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks Hope. I'm glad you like it. No need to be embarrassed, I really loved the sentiment. I suppose, they are quite majestic.

---

Usually I respond to a few other posts before making my own but I'm giving myself an exception this week because of the unfortunate circumstances.

It's day 4 of FOO being in my house. It was actually quite OK for the first or second day. But now the cracks are showing up and they're reverting back to their usual habits. Today M and StepF had an argument because M was apparently "not talking normally", and then M responded with "you're not talking normally". Then SF marched off in a huff saying he'll back when M is acting normal. It's actually (swear word) bizarre the stuff they argue over. I have no clue how they're still together. Like it honestly feels so made up but it's not, it's my living reality. They really do just argue over the smallest of things... all the time.

Had an appt with my T yesterday morning which was a good respite. Felt dissociative when I started talking about my FOO's behaviour but I managed to stay in the moment. It's validating when I tell him about my FOO's arguments and he seems just as bewildered as I feel. I feel very conflicted these days, similar to how I felt when I lived with them in the past. I have this child-like part wanting to play and have fun and be protected and taken care of - something I haven't felt in a while. But I often reel it back because my FOO are not the type of people you can trust. At least now I have awareness of these parts so I don't feel as confused about why I feel the way I do. And I'm going to rely on that knowledge to get through it all.

Trying to survive for a week. Just need to last a few more days, then Christmas, then it'll be over and I'll be alone again. Please send me some strength.



P.S. I gave them two house rules and they keep failing to follow the second one which is just - keep the front door locked. I'm constantly having to lock it myself.. I've had my house broken into before. This is just.. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Hey Aphotic, I'm sending you strength and calm to get through these days with your FOO, it's a really hard situation to be in. I'm actually dreading Christmas myself for reasons of being with my M. I think what you're doing though, feeling and acknowledging your parts is really strong and healthy. 

[SenseOrgan]

Wishing you strength AphoticAtramentous! 

[Chart]

Then SF marched off in a huff saying he'll back when M is acting normal. It's actually (swear word) bizarre the stuff they argue over. I have no clue how they're still together.

I can explain this!!! Though for sure you know already... We seek what we have always known... This is just how your parents(?) were themselves raised and brought up.

Sending strength! How brave and courageous to have foo for the Holidays. I'm totally alone, which poses other issues, but certainly simplifies a lot of things. Hang tough, Aphotic!
 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Desert Flower, SenseOrgan, and Chart.

I have survived Christmas.
So much to unpack from it all, but for now I'm going to focus on recuperating, and enjoy the remainder of my holidays before work starts again.

Does anyone else sometimes feel... weirdly angry when they're successful in any way? Because I can't help but think of my parents' smug faces as they boast "Aphotic has a clean house and a stable job, we must have raised them right!". But I have a house and a job DESPITE my FOO's influence, not BECAUSE of it. Of course, I can never prove that to them. And although a part of me wants them to know how difficult they've made my life, I think the healthier option is to just focus on bettering myself. In a metaphorical sense, if I fall and break a leg, yelling at gravity won't do me any good - it's not like gravity is going to change, and I can't change what's already happened. The best thing I can do for myself is to move on and heal.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[SenseOrgan]

Yay, Christmas is over!
Much respect for the job and the house despite your FOO. Unfortunately someone who has not walked a similar path will ever understand how hard it is to achieve such things, and what is may cost to stay afloat. Cheers for not letting that hurt keep you from focusing on your own well being. Resilience!

[dollyvee]

Well done AA