Atramentous to Vibrant

[AphoticAtramentous]

Fun fact of the day...
Aphotic is the part of an ocean or lake where the last of the sunlight reaches.
Atramentous means 'inky black'.
So there's the origin of my name, lol.

But I guess, I should start my own journal here. I haven't really 'recovered' much at all but it's good to at least have a starting point I think.
For years I've been wanting to figure out what's wrong with me, why my mood dips harder than the crackers that I dip in hummus, where it cracks and breaks into two and leaves me completely dissatisfied and upset. Why my nightmares always seemed to be themed on being trapped, somewhere, someplace, no way of getting out. Why I generally hated myself because I never understood myself, because it felt like I was living in someone else's body and I couldn't control any part of how I felt and behaved. I thought those mood swings were just me overreacting, which really only added to the 'reasons to hate myself' pile.

I read about C-PTSD about half a year ago whilst browsing different mental disorders and illnesses. It was intriguing but I thought nothing of it. It's only recently, with my therapist talking about my traumas and suddenly all this new information about C-PTSD I wasn't aware of, now it's all beginning to click for me.
Thing is though, I'm so... confused about it all. I mean... I match most of the symptoms, and have only recently been getting a grasp of Emotional Flashbacks and coming to terms with what they are. But there's a part of me that doubts me having this condition, a guilty doubt. I know for a fact that my traumas - they are not so bad from what others have experienced. But I'm still so freaking terrified, of my past, of my family.
[Trigger warning start]
I remember the countless times my dad stood me in the hallway, screaming at me, telling me how I can't do even the simplest of things. He'd call me an idiot, said I'm a wimp, told me to stop crying. I had to look directly into his eyes, if I looked away he would slap me. Every time I looked into his eyes though, it hurt me so bad. I was looking at someone who I thought was supposed to care for me, but I just felt so unwanted, so un-cared for. Welp, now I'm crying again. I should have expected this. My mother would just watch too, I think she has dependency issues or something, she just agrees with whatever my dad says and follows his lead. Even after she was cornered in the bathroom by my father, being yelled at, threatened, not allowed to escape, even after she took me and lived away from my father for a few months, she still ended up crawling back to him. It's sad when you actually hope your parents get divorced.
Countless times though my parents have always told me; "We're the best parents you could have"
"You're so lucky we're your parents"
"You have no idea how good you've got it"
[Trigger warning end]
Supposedly I've heard though that ironically people saying those kinds of things can be an additional cause of C-PTSD. I'm just so confused.

Anyway, I've woken up this morning and decided to type this because I'm riddled with anxiety and a weird sickness in my stomach that I can't place my finger on. (This happens a lot...)
I guess as far as recovery goes, acceptance and clarity is what I need first. Ever since the diagnosis thing, my mind has been just festering with thoughts, trying to piece things together. It's keeping me up at night, and I have urges to write it all down, but that'll just keep me up even more. But ever since the diagnosis, I've been rather elated - it's really nice. I guess I just finally feel a bit more understood. I read somewhere a week ago how one person with C-PTSD would sometimes swap identities (knowing full well they were doing it), acting as somebody else to cope and feel something else other than the crippling emptiness. And I just was kind of dumbfounded that there was someone else who actually did that. I thought I was crazy when I did that. Years ago the identities I took shape of were rather... unhealthy, telling me to kill myself and telling all my friends that I was not worth the effort, that they were wasting their time. It scared a few people, understandably. But then eventually I would snap out of it and go back to being 'myself' and I felt extremely guilty of saying such things.
Nowadays it's thankfully a more healthy identity, taking shape of one of my fictional characters I've made. He talks about myself, says everything I don't have the guts to say, everything I'm too afraid to share. It's strange, but it helps. I mean for my whole life my parents have told me to never share my emotions, that no matter what the task is, I do it and I do it without complaint. It's hard. Friends try to be supportive, say "If you don't like this and this that your parents are doing, why not talk to them?" But talking to them and trying to explain myself, sharing how I feel to my parents - that's like a death sentence, I swear.

But yeah, as far as plans go, I need to look for a better job. A 9-5 job preferably. Then I'll have enough money to move out on my own, and I'll finally be away from this mess. Thankfully the abuse isn't as bad it was, but it doesn't stop the memories from flooding in, from flinching whenever I walk past my dad in the hallway. I'm just so scared... I'm so angry. It feels like I've missed out on so much, feels like I'm missing out. I'm supposed to get my driver's license but being in the same car with my parents for them to teach me, haha, nooo... thanks... I'm good. They scream at me for my mistakes, and at worst if I'm not holding the steering wheel correctly my dad would forcefully grab my wrist and twist it so it goes the exact way he wants it to go.

I need to stop now and get ready for work though. Hopefully I won't get any moody customers. Yesterday one customer gave me a look that resembled the look my father gives me and I was breathing uneasily for the next 10 minutes, body shaking, heart thumping. This is horrible...
I guess this week I'm just going to focus on the diagnosis a bit and really try to figure out if it's truly what I have and am experiencing or not. I hope I am honestly, because that's a step closer to getting help.

[Candid]

That's horrible, what your father did.  Really horrible.

Countless times though my parents have always told me; "We're the best parents you could have"
"You're so lucky we're your parents"
"You have no idea how good you've got it"

I call that gaslighting:
Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is based on the 1944 MGM movie "Gaslight". http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/

Aphotic.  You're among friends here.

[Alarrah]

First, I have to say, I love your name.

Second, I wish I could just give you a huge hug.

I feel like that too... like my trauma wasn't as bad as anyone else's. I hope you know that your feelings are valid. What your father does is wrong, and I'm so so sorry. You do not deserve it. I hope you are able to get out of that situation soon, and in the meantime, please keep posting. I'm cheering for you.   

[AphoticAtramentous]

That's horrible, what your father did.  Really horrible.

Countless times though my parents have always told me; "We're the best parents you could have"
"You're so lucky we're your parents"
"You have no idea how good you've got it"

I call that gaslighting:
Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is based on the 1944 MGM movie "Gaslight". http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/

Aphotic.  You're among friends here.

Thank you Candid, it's really appreciated.

First, I have to say, I love your name.

Second, I wish I could just give you a huge hug.

I feel like that too... like my trauma wasn't as bad as anyone else's. I hope you know that your feelings are valid. What your father does is wrong, and I'm so so sorry. You do not deserve it. I hope you are able to get out of that situation soon, and in the meantime, please keep posting. I'm cheering for you.   

Glad you like the name. ^-^
And thank you, I wish I could give you a hug too, I guess that's what this is for -> heh
But yeah, I hope I can get out soon too. Thank you so much.

It's really soothing to hear from others, online, IRL, old friends - that they agree everything I experienced really happened, or that it's all valid and they understand how I feel.

Just some random thoughts whilst I'm here though... it irks me how much one of our traumas can lead to another, and another. It becomes this cycle... since you're so fragile from your parents' abuse, you seek comfort from someone else - to which they end up being abusive as well. I wish I'd seen it sooner though, I wish I wasn't so selfless and trying my hardest to impress and satisfy everyone's needs. Geez, I was so Fawn-like back then.
Trigger warning start
But I dealt with my parents for all my childhood, then an abusive long distance relationship for three years. It was like, I was brainwashed. Other people told me how it wasn't a healthy relationship, and I only realized that later on when we visited each other for the first time. I wanted to be alone, I was feeling so extremely emotionally tense and I wanted to just be anywhere but in that room, but he grasped onto my wrist really tightly, and he wouldn't let go, pulled me back. It felt like, I got hit by a lightning strike, like, this sudden shock and disbelief that this had happened, that just like my parents, he would use physical force to get me to do what he wanted.
Trigger warning end
I don't even remember what happened after that. I think I must have dissociated. I think... maybe I was in the snowy parking lot outside the hotel, in the fetal position on the concrete pathway, slowly regaining my senses. That's all I remember. :\

I'm curious about something though. I had a period of time where instead of seeking help, I just pushed everything away. I felt like I was useless, didn't deserve the treatment, didn't think I needed help. But also I was just... mad at a lot of people, distrustful of everyone I met. I was dating some guy for a month or so. Geez, we'd been friends for 2 years, so we were fairly comfortable with one another. But whilst dating I just, I wasn't really feeling much affection or love towards him and I wanted it to stop before it got any further, so I wouldn't disappoint him. Well I told him and he got so angry, he cursed me, told me how much of an idiot I was and I got so many raw feelings bursting out. I probably shouldn't have done what I did but for once I 'fought back'. I told him I hated him, all of these really mean things and then I just never talked to him again. And I don't even miss him... I don't miss anyone. I guess that's a good thing? But it makes me seem rather cold and harsh. Has anyone else kind of... lashed out like that? Been able to completely kick someone out of their life and not look back?

Thanks.

[Alarrah]

kicking someone out of my life has been my go to move since I have been able. It was like a way to take back control in some small way. I can't say whether it was right or wrong, but you are definitely not the only one. Especially when someone hurts me...

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I've also been in abusive relationships, and sometimes it even feels like I do it intentionally. I think we learn to expect it or feel like we deserve it. I hope you know that you don't. You do not deserve to hurt. It sounds like you are trying to do the work to break that cycle, and I know how hard that can be. Remember that you are strong. I'm thinking about you and hoping you are ok.

[Candid]

Your post struck a chord, Alarrah.  I've often shut out well-motivated people -- including friends -- for many and varied reasons because I can't cope and, as you say, I want to feel some small measure of control. 

This is an identity issue for me.  Trained to put myself last in every situation, and above all to (try to) fit in with everyone else, I had a compromised sense of self by the time I started school and I feel like I 'disappear' when someone gets too close. 

On the flipside, I've had a knack for 'choosing' abusive relationships that have to get downright dangerous before I realise it's time to get out.  In fact, it usually takes someone else to point out to me that I'm being abused.

This is what happens when you were taught to believe everything you do, say and even THINK is by definition wrong.

[AphoticAtramentous]

kicking someone out of my life has been my go to move since I have been able. It was like a way to take back control in some small way. I can't say whether it was right or wrong, but you are definitely not the only one. Especially when someone hurts me...

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I've also been in abusive relationships, and sometimes it even feels like I do it intentionally. I think we learn to expect it or feel like we deserve it. I hope you know that you don't. You do not deserve to hurt. It sounds like you are trying to do the work to break that cycle, and I know how hard that can be. Remember that you are strong. I'm thinking about you and hoping you are ok.

Thank you Alarrah, glad I'm not the only one who's done that. ^^" Just seemed like the only suitable choice at the time and so that's what I did. Yeah I probably could have talked it through and what not, and it would have hurt them a lot less. But I felt a lot safer and emotionally comfortable away and alone.
Your words mean a lot though, thank you.

Your post struck a chord, Alarrah.  I've often shut out well-motivated people -- including friends -- for many and varied reasons because I can't cope and, as you say, I want to feel some small measure of control. 

This is an identity issue for me.  Trained to put myself last in every situation, and above all to (try to) fit in with everyone else, I had a compromised sense of self by the time I started school and I feel like I 'disappear' when someone gets too close. 

On the flipside, I've had a knack for 'choosing' abusive relationships that have to get downright dangerous before I realise it's time to get out.  In fact, it usually takes someone else to point out to me that I'm being abused.

This is what happens when you were taught to believe everything you do, say and even THINK is by definition wrong.

Wow, you speak my mind, Candid. I always put everyone's needs in front of my own in my past relationships and it was extremely unhealthy. People used that and I could have avoided so much heart-ache and pain. But alas, it's happened so all I can do is learn from it.
In school, I swapped friends every two or so years, just hanging out with whoever didn't seem to be too annoyed with my presence. lol I think very few school friends have seen my 'true' self - what I'm like when I'm in a comfortable free atmosphere. I was very much the one quiet kid at school who was kinda weird and always sat at the front of the class like a teacher's pet. Haha

[Candid]

I felt a lot safer and emotionally comfortable away and alone.

This is past tense, right?  IME "away and alone" is a great relief as long as we're running from... and then as time passes it gets less and less "emotionally comfortable", to put it mildly. 

... just hanging out with whoever didn't seem to be too annoyed with my presence. lol

Now you've returned the favour and given me the words.  Can't join you in the lol, though.  Looking back, if people didn't approach me and keep approaching me, I 'knew' they must have woken up to the abomination my mother said I was.  I never dared just call someone I liked to ask if they wanted to get together; that would have been inflicting myself on them. Sometimes I sent apologetic/fawning letters or emails, mostly I just gritted my teeth and accepted I'd screwed up again and the relationship was over, my bad.  Mother installed a deep sense of There's something very wrong with me, and no one will tell me what it is. I certainly wasn't about to ask! 

Coupled with that were A) the people who did criticise me outright, all too often :cringe: in the same words Mother used.  Selfish.  The world doesn't revolve around you.  You always cause so much trouble. You never think of anyone but yourself.  For far too long these were the people I chased, because obviously they had it all together.  B) The people who liked me and said so were either mistaken or they wanted something from me which I probably wouldn't be able to give.  Groucho Marx Syndrome: he didn't want to join any club that would have someone like him as a member. C) Then there were those who made endless demands on me and for whom I would do anything, no matter the cost or inconvenience to me.  They were the most likely to turn into group A when they'd exhausted my resources or, God forbid, I was unavailable just once to do their bidding.

I think very few school friends have seen my 'true' self - what I'm like when I'm in a comfortable free atmosphere.

I can believe that.  Like you, I was only Myself when I was on my own. Especially if I was writing.  Any other time it simply wasn't safe to be Me.  No, no... anything but that!  (Okay, you can lol now.)

I was very much the one quiet kid at school who was kinda weird and always sat at the front of the class like a teacher's pet. Haha

Me too, my friend.    Not the best way to go about Making Friends.  We got good marks, though, didn't we!

[AphoticAtramentous]

I felt a lot safer and emotionally comfortable away and alone.

This is past tense, right?  IME "away and alone" is a great relief as long as we're running from... and then as time passes it gets less and less "emotionally comfortable", to put it mildly. 

Well, I have one single person that I keep close. But I find it super hard to make new close friends, or just new friends in general. lol I think I've become so perfectionistic, I feel perfectionistic even over my social life. I got fairly close with one guy recently (online), he told me I could come to him whenever and vent and speak my mind. But that seemed to be 90% of our conversations, me just ranting, I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. I tell him this, he says it's fine - tells me again I can vent and he'll listen and respond. So I vented once more like usual, then he just... didn't acknowledge me. He changed the subject and for a week I haven't talked to him because of that one thing, I don't want to talk to him. :\ I felt very fond of him too, but that one thing feels like it sapped all feelings and emotions out of me, like he might as well be an acquaintance to me now.
Either I'm a controlling sensitive freak or it's just the fear of being neglected/abused seeping in (or both! lol). Like, I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.

... just hanging out with whoever didn't seem to be too annoyed with my presence. lol

Now you've returned the favour and given me the words.  Can't join you in the lol, though.  Looking back, if people didn't approach me and keep approaching me, I 'knew' they must have woken up to the abomination my mother said I was.  I never dared just call someone I liked to ask if they wanted to get together; that would have been inflicting myself on them. Sometimes I sent apologetic/fawning letters or emails, mostly I just gritted my teeth and accepted I'd screwed up again and the relationship was over, my bad.  Mother installed a deep sense of There's something very wrong with me, and no one will tell me what it is. I certainly wasn't about to ask! 

Oh goodness, yes. I never invited anyone over, never invite them out. I was forced to invite my friends over once because; "It's your 16th, it's meant to be special!" But inviting them over just made it my worst birthday yet. >.> My anxiety levels were through the roof it seemed. They were in my house, with my dysfunctional family, untrained pet dog, basically the whole place a big mess, nothing clean, everything disorganised. I got a few harsh comments from them that day and I just wanted them to leave, wanted to go run off and hide in shame. It's a good thing I lived literally right next to a forest. Getting some peace and quiet only involved a small walk, then I could shout, cry, and scream however loud I wanted and nobody would mind.

I think very few school friends have seen my 'true' self - what I'm like when I'm in a comfortable free atmosphere.

I can believe that.  Like you, I was only Myself when I was on my own. Especially if I was writing.  Any other time it simply wasn't safe to be Me.  No, no... anything but that!  (Okay, you can lol now.)

I was very much the one quiet kid at school who was kinda weird and always sat at the front of the class like a teacher's pet. Haha

Me too, my friend.    Not the best way to go about Making Friends.  We got good marks, though, didn't we!

Aww, yeah. I can understand all that. It can be a very 'recharging' experience to come back to your quiet lone shelter and just act like yourself.
But yeah, hooray for good marks! Haha. And you can't get told off for talking during class if you have no one to talk to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7erl9k01C2M

Thanks a lot for all of your replies by the way. I've been blown away by how supportive and caring this community is. I've been to many forums and online communities, trying to find where I fit just right, and I think I've finally found a place that feels just so.

[Candid]

I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.

I know!  I gradually came to realise that survivors of parental abuse live in a whole secret counterculture underworld.  All mothers love their children, donchaknow?  So even when 'normal' people guess there's something NQR about us, and say so, they seriously don't want to hear about it.  You speak at your peril.  Either they disappear, or they attack.  They don't understand that Father's Day and Mother's Day (as well as Christmas and birthdays) can be horrible for us, as yesterday was for you. 

Even my best friend told me about a time she and her mother didn't speak for weeks, then she knocked on Ma's door and they fell into each other's arms crying.  She literally can't understand why that isn't an option for me.  Fortunately -- because she's a great friend -- I can understand her.  We know how they see the world, right?  It's impossible to miss.

So time and time again we get the message that there's something wrong with us.  Yeah, I know that; I also know when it started, can even make an educated guess as to why.  But largely thanks to this forum, I'm okay with all that now.  Wouldn't switch sides for quids.  In fact I believe there are many more of Us than will ever be acknowledged.  It's probably a question of degree.

I'm sorry about the way your 16th panned out.  I'd be hard pushed to think which was the worst of my birthdays, but right now my mind lands on my 21st.  I went out for dinner with my parents, ElderSis, and a couple of my parents' friends. The low point was when Dad told me to blow out the candle (there was one on each table in the restaurant) and make a wish.  I wished my boyfriend had called me, but he was highly abusive so he'd made a point of not doing so on that day.  Then Mother had to tell this other couple it was such a pity Candid didn't have any friends.  Really, it was quite the freak show.  And yes, that was worse than all the alone-and-unacknowledged ones.

I'm glad you were able to vent some feelings about your 16th.  That something I've had to learn, and it still doesn't come naturally.
From memory I just went 'home' (their home) and to bed.  Business as usual.

I've been to many forums and online communities, trying to find where I fit just right, and I think I've finally found a place that feels just so.

You definitely fit in, Aphotic. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.

I know!  I gradually came to realise that survivors of parental abuse live in a whole secret counterculture underworld.  All mothers love their children, donchaknow?  So even when 'normal' people guess there's something NQR about us, and say so, they seriously don't want to hear about it.  You speak at your peril.  Either they disappear, or they attack.  They don't understand that Father's Day and Mother's Day (as well as Christmas and birthdays) can be horrible for us, as yesterday was for you. 

Even my best friend told me about a time she and her mother didn't speak for weeks, then she knocked on Ma's door and they fell into each other's arms crying.  She literally can't understand why that isn't an option for me.  Fortunately -- because she's a great friend -- I can understand her.  We know how they see the world, right?  It's impossible to miss.

So time and time again we get the message that there's something wrong with us.  Yeah, I know that; I also know when it started, can even make an educated guess as to why.  But largely thanks to this forum, I'm okay with all that now.  Wouldn't switch sides for quids.  In fact I believe there are many more of Us than will ever be acknowledged.  It's probably a question of degree.

I'm sorry about the way your 16th panned out.  I'd be hard pushed to think which was the worst of my birthdays, but right now my mind lands on my 21st.  I went out for dinner with my parents, ElderSis, and a couple of my parents' friends. The low point was when Dad told me to blow out the candle (there was one on each table in the restaurant) and make a wish.  I wished my boyfriend had called me, but he was highly abusive so he'd made a point of not doing so on that day.  Then Mother had to tell this other couple it was such a pity Candid didn't have any friends.  Really, it was quite the freak show.  And yes, that was worse than all the alone-and-unacknowledged ones.

I'm glad you were able to vent some feelings about your 16th.  That something I've had to learn, and it still doesn't come naturally.
From memory I just went 'home' (their home) and to bed.  Business as usual.

I've been to many forums and online communities, trying to find where I fit just right, and I think I've finally found a place that feels just so.

You definitely fit in, Aphotic. 

Oh my goodness yes, I feel so alien compared to other people I know sometimes. They talk about family reunions, texting their parents every day, actually missing them when they're gone. I laugh when people tell me; "Oh you'll miss your parents when you leave home." They really just don't seem to understand. But that's okay. ^^

Sorry to hear about that 21st though. I always despise it when parents make snappy comments like that.
"Wish my daughter would actually socialise" is something I hear all too often. It's like my parents think they're being original and funny when they say that.

I think birthdays can be especially hard for us though, especially for those that feel so 'unwanted' and like some kind of failed abortion. :\ But a good reminder to ourselves I think is that even if we're not really wanted by our parents or family, we're wanted by others. ^-^ It's amazing how one person can influence your life so much. I know I'm certainly glad some people exist today, and I really cherish their birthdays. So as long as I remember that, understand that others feel the same way about me, I usually feel alright.

I feel I should at some point write a bit of my story in detail here. I think it'd be rather therapeutic. At the moment a lot of the telling of my life here seems to spill out in random flashbacks and reminders. lol

And thank you again. ^-^

[Alarrah]

There is so much here that I want to respond to, but mostly, I just want to say thanks. This hit all my feels. It's like you guys are in my head.

Well, I have one single person that I keep close. But I find it super hard to make new close friends, or just new friends in general. lol I think I've become so perfectionistic, I feel perfectionistic even over my social life. I got fairly close with one guy recently (online), he told me I could come to him whenever and vent and speak my mind. But that seemed to be 90% of our conversations, me just ranting, I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. I tell him this, he says it's fine - tells me again I can vent and he'll listen and respond. So I vented once more like usual, then he just... didn't acknowledge me. He changed the subject and for a week I haven't talked to him because of that one thing, I don't want to talk to him. :\ I felt very fond of him too, but that one thing feels like it sapped all feelings and emotions out of me, like he might as well be an acquaintance to me now.
Either I'm a controlling sensitive freak or it's just the fear of being neglected/abused seeping in (or both! lol). Like, I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.

This really struck me. I get so mad about this.

I am constantly monitoring myself when I start getting close to people. Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish? I have two modes. In one, I don't share anything at all because showing weakness will make them leave me. I put on a face to please, then go until I snap and cut them off altogether. In the other, I overshare because I need affection and comfort. I get way too clingy, and they get freaked out. The more they pull away, the more I spiral, telling myself that this is proof that no one can handle me. The stress of it makes me just pull away from everyone instead, where I tell myself I'm comfortable.

I'm so glad you guys are sharing. It is helping me more than I can say. I also had to hide my family, and holidays make me physically sick. It means so much that you guys understand. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

There is so much here that I want to respond to, but mostly, I just want to say thanks. This hit all my feels. It's like you guys are in my head.

Well, I have one single person that I keep close. But I find it super hard to make new close friends, or just new friends in general. lol I think I've become so perfectionistic, I feel perfectionistic even over my social life. I got fairly close with one guy recently (online), he told me I could come to him whenever and vent and speak my mind. But that seemed to be 90% of our conversations, me just ranting, I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. I tell him this, he says it's fine - tells me again I can vent and he'll listen and respond. So I vented once more like usual, then he just... didn't acknowledge me. He changed the subject and for a week I haven't talked to him because of that one thing, I don't want to talk to him. :\ I felt very fond of him too, but that one thing feels like it sapped all feelings and emotions out of me, like he might as well be an acquaintance to me now.
Either I'm a controlling sensitive freak or it's just the fear of being neglected/abused seeping in (or both! lol). Like, I'm just so sick of these things happening, every time it happens - even a little, it drives me mad.

This really struck me. I get so mad about this.

I am constantly monitoring myself when I start getting close to people. Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish? I have two modes. In one, I don't share anything at all because showing weakness will make them leave me. I put on a face to please, then go until I snap and cut them off altogether. In the other, I overshare because I need affection and comfort. I get way too clingy, and they get freaked out. The more they pull away, the more I spiral, telling myself that this is proof that no one can handle me. The stress of it makes me just pull away from everyone instead, where I tell myself I'm comfortable.

I'm so glad you guys are sharing. It is helping me more than I can say. I also had to hide my family, and holidays make me physically sick. It means so much that you guys understand. 

I'm really glad my spouting of random nonsense helps you, Alarrah. XP

"Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish? I have two modes."
Oh so relatable! I used to be a doormat for years and now I think I'm too much of a solid steel door. lol Although I think I'll take that over being a doormat anymore, being a doormat got me into far too much strife. >.>

I remember the countless amount of groups and communities I tried to fit into, whether that be related to gaming, just general online websites, or anything like that. Most of the times I suddenly left without warning in a flurry of anger and tears, feeling completely lost and misunderstood. I tried to do regular gaming sessions with some folks online but it was getting tiring trying to keep up with everyone and all the new people that joined all the time. There were some that were really nice people, others though that really triggered me hard, reminded me of my childhood in some way or another and it was extremely frustrating to be around so I left that group.
There was also this most recent community I left that was just full of sacks of %^&#s lol. They were people who had basically no general care towards anyone, who thought people who were 'depressed' were just trying to be cool. They all said I was boring because I couldn't play along with their playful insulting of each other. Or that I was 'edgy' for appearing so down, realistic, and matter-of-fact about things. I tried to keep a lot of problems in, I only described in brief short when I left that; "My mental problems are making this community a hard place to be in so I'm leaving." And apparently they cussed me out for that pretty hard behind my back and I think that really pushed me to hold my feelings in even more.

Some people are just plain toxic. But unfortunately sometimes if you wanna find the people that really care, you gotta push past the people who will do anything to bring you down. It's all worth the effort though I think.

[Candid]

Am I being too needy? too cold? too vulnerable? Too selfish?

Too everything, Alarrah.     Most all all, worrying too much.  How could we not?

I have two modes. In one, I don't share anything at all because showing weakness will make them leave me. I put on a face to please, then go until I snap and cut them off altogether. In the other, I overshare because I need affection and comfort. I get way too clingy, and they get freaked out. The more they pull away, the more I spiral, telling myself that this is proof that no one can handle me. The stress of it makes me just pull away from everyone instead, where I tell myself I'm comfortable.

Yep. All of that.  I hadn't recognised the two modes in myself but sure enough, they're there.

indeed!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Just need to start this off with, wow, it feels good to be heard, understood, validated...
I had a therapy session today and it just made me feel overly content afterwards. We made some progress on things, and she gave me a few things to work on for the next few weeks. It probably seems backwards but whenever she mentioned 'trauma', it actually lifted my mood slightly. I guess that's just because for once someone in the same room as me actually understands what I've gone through and it's such an overwhelming sensation.
Not sure what 'clicked' today but I've just been so ecstatic since then. I actually managed to finally get some work done, cleaned up my room, and I treated myself to a cup of tea and chocolates, watching videos whilst I had the scent warmer going and just making the room overly pleasant to be in. And spontaneously on the way back home I bought myself a potted plant as a kind of 'pet', haha. I suppose it's the closest thing I can get to some positive physical company at the moment so it'll do. It will be the most indulged plant in the world. lol

One of the things I talked to my therapist about today was just my random complaining of how jumbled my thoughts seem to be and how my mind is constantly switching from one thought to another, mostly from memory to memory. She said something interesting I thought I'd share here; basically she said the mind is like a cupboard. As you grow up, if you're nurtured and cared for, you take these events that happen and you can store the memories neatly onto the shelves, give them all a place. But being brought up in an abusive home, you take these memories and just kinda throw them into the cupboard. lol To just get them away as much as possible and quickly too. Eventually you get to a point where there's so many memories all jumbled up in this cupboard that it begins to overflow. You try to take one specific memory out to examine but when you open the doors, a whole bunch of memories spill out with it. And she said that one of the keys to reorganising my thoughts is to take things out, one at a time, examine them and figure out what they are, where they go, and then store them neatly in the correct place. It was a really interesting analogy, one I probably won't forget.

Hopefully things will be easy going till my next appointment. ^-^ I'm really happy I'm finally getting some help. I'd spent years struggling with these things on my own and I'm just feeling so grateful to finally be getting somewhere.