Atramentous to Vibrant

[Blueberry]

So glad your therapy session was good! Your t's cupboard analogy is good, I like it. Thanks for sharing.  for treating yourself to so many different things today. You're involving lots of different senses, that's good for us.

I can understand that your t mentioning 'trauma' is validating. I felt elated when I first started sayinging CSA had been done to me. I knew it was a bit strange to feel elated rather than devastated, but my memories weren't new, I was just finally daring to say them out loud. Similar for you too, maybe?

for your potted 'pet'. 

[Three Roses]

Hi - just a couple of thoughts - first one is, yay for the plant! check out the PBS documentary, "What Plants Talk About" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrrSAc-vjG4 They do communicate with each other and show some signs of some sort of intelligence, really fascinating.

The other point i wanted to make was that your brain (not your mind) actually stores past traumatic memories as if they are current, not in the past. this is why emdr therapy is so useful, as it helps the brain process and store the memory as a past occurrence. at least that's the way i understand it.

[Alarrah]

That's a fantastic analogy. Thank you for sharing that. Yay for good days!  

I also liked when someone first recognized it as trauma. That validation felt so good after so many years of convincing myself that I was the one at fault. I'm so glad you found someone to help you do the work!

[AphoticAtramentous]

So glad your therapy session was good! Your t's cupboard analogy is good, I like it. Thanks for sharing.  for treating yourself to so many different things today. You're involving lots of different senses, that's good for us.

I can understand that your t mentioning 'trauma' is validating. I felt elated when I first started sayinging CSA had been done to me. I knew it was a bit strange to feel elated rather than devastated, but my memories weren't new, I was just finally daring to say them out loud. Similar for you too, maybe?

for your potted 'pet'. 

Indeed, very similar. It's nice to be able to give these things a proper definition, makes them easier to understand and cope with.
Thanks for the reply. ^-^

Hi - just a couple of thoughts - first one is, yay for the plant! check out the PBS documentary, "What Plants Talk About" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrrSAc-vjG4 They do communicate with each other and show some signs of some sort of intelligence, really fascinating.

The other point i wanted to make was that your brain (not your mind) actually stores past traumatic memories as if they are current, not in the past. this is why emdr therapy is so useful, as it helps the brain process and store the memory as a past occurrence. at least that's the way i understand it.

Thanks for sharing the video. Plants are quite fascinating.
But yes, that makes sense... with the memories thing. I mean the whole basis of EFs is essentially believing what has happened is still happening and your emotions adjust accordingly. I'm making an effort to write down my memories as I stumble across them, and it really helps me in regards to studying it, breaking it down, linking it.
Thanks for the reply.

That's a fantastic analogy. Thank you for sharing that. Yay for good days!  

I also liked when someone first recognized it as trauma. That validation felt so good after so many years of convincing myself that I was the one at fault. I'm so glad you found someone to help you do the work!

Another thing kinda related, when I tell people I have CPTSD (which is rare but when I do...), I don't feel bad, or I don't expect their condolences and sympathy. I find the 'CPTSD' title quite therapeutic in its own way, merely the name. I suppose it's because, for ages I didn't have that label and for ages I felt these terrible things without knowing what it was or how to fix it. But now I know what it is, and that means I can fix it, I know how to fix it. So when I tell people I have CPTSD, I actually feel elated doing it, because it reminds me that there is hope and there is treatment. It's better than saying; "I suffer from memories, nightmares, mood swings, etc, etc"
Thanks for the reply.



I haven't been responding to much forum posts lately. I've been tired and drained, had a few days where I was barely motivated to eat. But yesterday I cleaned my room, tidied my work desk.
In regards to therapy stuff, I read more of my CBT book, and finally got to use my little sticky-notes and highlighter. I love being organised. I also worked a bit on studying my alters and I've been making good progress on working out who is who, who wants what, who does what, etc. It's fascinating. I found that the alters that are most like default 'me', are the most commonly around, whereas the alters that are least like me are less around, which makes sense. I mean I'm not sure if I expected much else. lol I may share the table of statistics I have here later on.

This morning, a usual Saturday, I woke up early and took a bus into the city where I'm now typing away in a coffee shop after a hot drink and slice of fudge. I'm trying to treat myself these days, reassure myself that it's okay to spend a little money every now and then, and that it's okay to not be working on my hobbies all the time. I suppose I'm just really battling that 'flight' part of me. One thing about this cafe is that it's exactly opposite of a police station - one I have terrible memories of. But I'm convinced that by sitting here every regular Saturday afternoon with the company of that place nearby, hopefully I'll one day be able to look at it without fear and simply see it as it is, "a police station", no strings attached. I think it's a good thing that I can just sit here with it in view and not feel panicked like I used to.

Interestingly whilst shopping today, I was being served by one lady who looked kind of familiar but I thought my memory was just playing with me. Well she suddenly mentioned that I looked familiar too and it took us a moment to realise we were classmates back in Grade 5! It made me feel really good, she'd lost weight, looked and sounded a lot healthier and I felt a little... less lonely. I have no friends where I live, so even just meeting someone I used to know is so nice.

Anyway, enough rambling. I've been sitting here for an hour and I should go before they kick me out. Haha

[AphoticAtramentous]

5 steps forward, 3 steps back, thus is the rhythm of trauma's storm.
Sensing gold to feeling cold, emotions twisted in formless swarm.

I'm making progress I think, it's slow though of course.
One particular issue of mine is feeling guilty, over things that I shouldn't even feel guilty of. I got a call from work asking if I can come in to work later in the day, I said no because I've got an appointment. I wasn't lying, I have a right to say no. Yet I felt guilty. I logically rationalised the details, that it was perfectly okay for me to say I couldn't come in to work, that I had a good reason. But it's like, emotions are on an entirely different level; that despite me understanding there's no reason to feel guilty, I still feel guilty. It's probably linked to my past, with my parents blaming almost everything they could on me, and I'm sure with time these things will eventually go away. One day I'd like to answer a call from work, say no, and not feel #$%^&@ for it. One day...

I've been kind of thinking lately though, about my FOO, about forgiveness and what not. I have a friend who supposedly had their own assortment of childhood trauma, tells me he's forgiven his parents and that I should too. But I can't fathom the idea. I don't love my parents, I don't care what they do or think. I really hate them, is that harsh? And I got really angry at my friend for telling me I had to forgive my FOO. I just can't, they don't even deserve it. Why should I forgive the people who've practically locked me up, physically and emotionally for 18 years of my life? Who give me nightmares almost every night, who were the cause of my self-hatred, the cause of my agony. Why should I forgive them? I accept what's happened, I'm not out to seek revenge. All I simply want is to get away and find myself, to get away from my abusers and never look back.
[Trigger Warning - FOO emotional abuse]
People say; "You'll miss your parents when they're gone", but I honestly don't think I will. They've gone for month long trips before and I didn't think about them ONCE when they were gone. I can barely speak to my parents comfortably, definitely can't bring myself to say anything nice to them or accept their attempts at 'affection'. That was one of my huge peeves; that after the two hour long lectures of my F screaming at me in the hallway, that afterwards he'd tell me to hug him, as if that would make it all better. Even when I tried to run away, he would demand I hug him, would start yelling again if I didn't. It just felt like my parents hugged me because "that's what parents do", not because "I love my child".
[End]

Anyway, that was a bit of an accidental rant.
I've been trying my hardest to keep myself clean, my room clean, always hard when you have a FOO to mess it up every day but I'm trying my best. I went out for a hairdresser appointment today which is an achievement I think. I haven't had one in years, but finally I booked it, and despite all the anxiety and sickening worry beforehand, I'm really glad I went. I ended up going to a rather posh little place, where the staff open the door for you and ask if you'd like a coffee or a cup of tea. I was expecting just a haircut but I had my hair washed, head massaged. It felt cleansing in more ways than one... last other person who touched my hair was my ex/abuser, so having a complete stranger touch my hair in that way, it felt really good. I had them cut me a little side fringe, just a little treat for myself, and I really love it. Later at home, my M came back from her own outing, asked where I was today. I said I got my hair done, got a fringe. She told me to show her and I did. Then she scoffed, said; "You call that a fringe?" then IMMEDIATELY started talking about how she got her nails done, how they were so pretty, then once done bragging she left my room. How pleasant. Fortunately my FOO's words are meaningless to me now, I've learnt to block it all out pretty good and I don't care what they think about me anymore. Fact is, I got a haircut for MYSELF. And I'm happy with it, I'm happy I went, I'm happy I went out, even when I was feeling like #%^&*@.

Anyway, feel free to say if any of this feels familiar, especially the forgiveness part. I know it's the 'moral' thing to do, to forgive people, especially if you're religious. It doesn't help though that my parents are Christians who love spewing out their 'forgive your enemies' line and it makes me hate the whole 'forgiveness' thing even more. :S Not because I hate religion, I just don't like my FOO. lol
Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.

[Blueberry]

AphoticAtramentous, just wanted to let you know I read, but feeling too    to really reply. There is at least one old thread on forgiving i.e. the non-necessity of it for us. Might interest you. I'll see if I can answer your post tomorrow. 

[Sceal]

GREAT that you got a haircut for YOU! Who cares what anyone else thinks?! If you Love it that's all that matters! Getting a new haircut can be really quite nice, even if sitting in the chair watching yourself in the horrible lighting and having someone else touch you, after that, the feeling is quite nice!
I am so happy that you got a cut that you like! 

Also, thank you for your comment on my journal. It meant alot. I sent you a suuper long PM, I hope it doesn't overwhelm you. Don't let it stress you. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

AphoticAtramentous, just wanted to let you know I read, but feeling too    to really reply. There is at least one old thread on forgiving i.e. the non-necessity of it for us. Might interest you. I'll see if I can answer your post tomorrow. 

No worries, no pressure. Thank you for reading.

GREAT that you got a haircut for YOU! Who cares what anyone else thinks?! If you Love it that's all that matters! Getting a new haircut can be really quite nice, even if sitting in the chair watching yourself in the horrible lighting and having someone else touch you, after that, the feeling is quite nice!
I am so happy that you got a cut that you like! 

Also, thank you for your comment on my journal. It meant alot. I sent you a suuper long PM, I hope it doesn't overwhelm you. Don't let it stress you. 

Thank you so kindly, Sceal. ^-^
I'll have a read through the PM later, I'm a little busy this morning but cheers.

[Blueberry]

5 steps forward, 3 steps back, thus is the rhythm of trauma's storm.
Sensing gold to feeling cold, emotions twisted in formless swarm.

I know you're an artist, but now it turns out you're a poet too! Not surprising really, I know from your posts and even in fact your name on here that you have a way with words.   

One particular issue of mine is feeling guilty, over things that I shouldn't even feel guilty of... But it's like, emotions are on an entirely different level; that despite me understanding there's no reason to feel guilty, I still feel guilty. It's probably linked to my past, with my parents blaming almost everything they could on me, and I'm sure with time these things will eventually go away. One day I'd like to answer a call from work, say no, and not feel #$%^&@ for it.

Sounds very familiar. My past sounds similar to yours too, in this respect. Deep down I feel guilty that enF is sad to realise that I don't want to communicate with him or any other adult in FOO. I feel guilty. Actually as I write that I'm not even sure I'm as far as you in understanding there's no reason to feel guilty. I know there's no reason for you to feel guilty, but I have a hard time applying that to myself.

I've been kind of thinking lately though, about my FOO, about forgiveness and what not. I have a friend who supposedly had their own assortment of childhood trauma, tells me he's forgiven his parents ....  I'm not out to seek revenge. All I simply want is to get away and find myself, to get away from my abusers and never look back.

Well, congratulations to your friend, I'm happy for him but a) he may discover as I did that you can forgive and they do it again, you forgive, they do it again ad nauseam  b) he may discover as I also did that when I thought I forgave I didn't really. I was told I should forgive, forget and move on (partially by my abusers, sound familiar ) but forgiveness is something that takes place in your soul, in your heart, it's not something you can force cognitively. I was told this long ago actually by a woman who worked at a Catholic aid society which offered short-term counselling to people who couldn't afford it elsewhere. I was so embarrassed to tell her I'd tried and tried to forgive and everything always started up again so I couldn't forgive any more. She also said that sometime in the future forgiveness might creep up on me all of its own accord, till then I should forget about it basically and concentrate on me. And you are concentrating on you: getting away, finding out who you are, living your own life! You're making tons of progress.

You say you are not out to seek revenge. IMO that's the most important thing. And for that you deserve  Forgiving your parents - I'd say that's God's task. It's certainly not yours. The only person you might need to forgive in time is yourself. Lots of us do because we feel guilty for this that and the other for which we needn't feel guilty. See above.

[Trigger Warning - FOO emotional abuse]
That was one of my huge peeves; that after the two hour long lectures of my F screaming at me in the hallway, that afterwards he'd tell me to hug him, as if that would make it all better. Even when I tried to run away, he would demand I hug him, would start yelling again if I didn't.
[End]

AA, I have read before in here of these yelling sessions from F. They are appalling beyond belief. There is so much wrong there I can't even begin to describe. I hope you know in your soul how wrong it all was.  (a safe one) to lots of little AAs through the years if they like and you too now if you like.
But demanding you hug him afterwards?? That is so abusive. Such an abuse of power. I am appalled! May I  on your behalf? Please tell me if my blowups aren't OK! I will remove them. I can't blow up on my own behalf that often. Sometimes it's useful when other people do it for me, sometimes not.

Anyway, that was a bit of an accidental rant.

IMO rants are sometimes necessary to get all that poison, which isn't even yours, out of your soul. Also it helps people on here understand you, where you're coming from, and what you're facing. Rants sometimes help me get to what's beneath it, what I really want to say concerning me. 

[Blueberry]

I went out for a hairdresser appointment today which is an achievement I think. I haven't had one in years, but finally I booked it, and despite all the anxiety and sickening worry beforehand, I'm really glad I went.  even when I was feeling like #%^&*@.

Totally big achievement.

I ended up going to a rather posh little place, where the staff open the door for you and ask if you'd like a coffee or a cup of tea. I was expecting just a haircut but I had my hair washed, head massaged. It felt cleansing in more ways than one... last other person who touched my hair was my ex/abuser, so having a complete stranger touch my hair in that way, it felt really good. I had them cut me a little side fringe, just a little treat for myself, and I really love it.

You treated yourself to so many good things there! Like finding a hairdresser's where the people treat you sooo differently to the way FOO treats you. And also the cleansing process - somebody non-abusive touching your hair.  Those are healing steps you are taking and I'm really so happy for you.  I like the feeling of having my hair washed and head massaged by someone else too.  What with hair being a pretty difficult topic for me.

Fortunately my FOO's words are meaningless to me now, I've learnt to block it all out pretty good and I don't care what they think about me anymore. Fact is, I got a haircut for MYSELF. And I'm happy with it,

Way to go AA  Your M is soooo toxic. (She's a teacher. She works with kids?? %&#* Excuse my French. Sounds like a totally disturbed overgrown kid herself. Not the best person to have in the teaching profession, nor as a parent.) It's great that you can cut her out and not care what she thinks.  You're doing great, especially since you're still living with FOO. Much harder to block when you're still surrounded.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I know you're an artist, but now it turns out you're a poet too! Not surprising really, I know from your posts and even in fact your name on here that you have a way with words.   

Haha, thank you.

Sounds very familiar. My past sounds similar to yours too, in this respect. Deep down I feel guilty that enF is sad to realise that I don't want to communicate with him or any other adult in FOO. I feel guilty. Actually as I write that I'm not even sure I'm as far as you in understanding there's no reason to feel guilty. I know there's no reason for you to feel guilty, but I have a hard time applying that to myself.

I got to that stage of knowing I'm not guilty by #1. Listening to my friends and what their perspective and view on it is. And #2. Looking at things from a neutral perspective, weighing the facts, why, what, who, etc. And I just repeated doing those things till I eventually made some progress with it.

Well, congratulations to your friend, I'm happy for him but a) he may discover as I did that you can forgive and they do it again, you forgive, they do it again ad nauseam  b) he may discover as I also did that when I thought I forgave I didn't really. I was told I should forgive, forget and move on (partially by my abusers, sound familiar ) but forgiveness is something that takes place in your soul, in your heart, it's not something you can force cognitively. I was told this long ago actually by a woman who worked at a Catholic aid society which offered short-term counselling to people who couldn't afford it elsewhere. I was so embarrassed to tell her I'd tried and tried to forgive and everything always started up again so I couldn't forgive any more. She also said that sometime in the future forgiveness might creep up on me all of its own accord, till then I should forget about it basically and concentrate on me. And you are concentrating on you: getting away, finding out who you are, living your own life! You're making tons of progress.

You say you are not out to seek revenge. IMO that's the most important thing. And for that you deserve  Forgiving your parents - I'd say that's God's task. It's certainly not yours. The only person you might need to forgive in time is yourself. Lots of us do because we feel guilty for this that and the other for which we needn't feel guilty. See above.

Yeah, it's probably a little sad but I really doubt my parents ever changing for the better, making amends. They keep doing the same abusive things over and over, even when they're told to stop, even when they realise things aren't working out for them, they still do it. :S I believe that people do change, but only some. If you want to change, you need an open mind and an open heart, and those two things my parents do NOT have.
And also yes, you can't force yourself to forgive someone, neither can you force yourself to feel sorry. They just happen, it's a feeling, a heart thing.

Revenge, it's a petty kind of thing and in the end it only leads to more pain and misery. I have actually sought revenge before (in hilarious fashion too lol) but I realized afterwards it was a really stupid thing to do and things could have gone much worse for me, so now I'm learning from mistake and experience and never doing it again.

AA, I have read before in here of these yelling sessions from F. They are appalling beyond belief. There is so much wrong there I can't even begin to describe. I hope you know in your soul how wrong it all was.  (a safe one) to lots of little AAs through the years if they like and you too now if you like.
But demanding you hug him afterwards?? That is so abusive. Such an abuse of power. I am appalled! May I  on your behalf? Please tell me if my blowups aren't OK! I will remove them. I can't blow up on my own behalf that often. Sometimes it's useful when other people do it for me, sometimes not.

The blowing up feels very validating Blueberry, haha, so by all means go ahead. It took me a while to realise what happened was wrong, that stupid gaslighting... but now I know. It's really difficult trying to think of those yelling sessions so I won't try lol. I dissociated so much the memories are a bit fragmented. There's one specific memory I'm trying to figure out if it's true or not. I'd secretly recorded the audio of one of those yelling sessions and sent it to a close friend at the time. But did I really do that? I'll have to ask...
I'm a little surprised all that forced hug stuff hasn't effectively ruined my sense of affection. I really do like hugs, but of course, mainly from people who aren't my abusers. It's better than hiding under a blanket like I usually did as a child.

You treated yourself to so many good things there! Like finding a hairdresser's where the people treat you sooo differently to the way FOO treats you. And also the cleansing process - somebody non-abusive touching your hair.  Those are healing steps you are taking and I'm really so happy for you.  I like the feeling of having my hair washed and head massaged by someone else too.  What with hair being a pretty difficult topic for me.

It is really nice. And I'm glad you enjoy the feeling as well.

Way to go AA  Your M is soooo toxic. (She's a teacher. She works with kids?? %&#* Excuse my French. Sounds like a totally disturbed overgrown kid herself. Not the best person to have in the teaching profession, nor as a parent.) It's great that you can cut her out and not care what she thinks.  You're doing great, especially since you're still living with FOO. Much harder to block when you're still surrounded.

She does work as a teacher, and she's really terrible at it. lol In more ways than one. She taught English yet on many occasions asked me if a sentence was grammatically correct or if a word she had spelt was right. I have no idea how she finished Uni. >.>

Thank you so so very much for the reply though, Blueberry. Means a lot. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to be heard.

I shouldn't write too much otherwise my head might fall off. lol Too many thoughts swirling in my head, need to give myself a break before I snap.

[Blueberry]

Yeah sorry, sometimes my posts get really long. Good for you on taking a break before your head took off. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh goodness, no wonder ThreeRoses made that reminder to keep our posts short. Look at this!  Oh dear I'm terrible.
I should probably aim to shorten my posts in general anyway cause talking too much can fry my brain. lol

Yeah sorry, sometimes my posts get really long. Good for you on taking a break before your head took off. 

Thank you Blueberry.

Just a little practical update on recovery... as I've probably stated before, my main goal right now is to get out of this house and away from my FOO, to cut ties so I can recover in peace.
Let's call this Phase 1 of Atramentous to Vibrant... a hands-on stage of recovery. In Phase 1, there's 5 steps.
Step #1. Finish Resume.
Step #2. Apply for Traineeships/Jobs/Anything 9-5.
Step #3. Go to interviews.
Step #4. Get a job (easier said than done though am I right? )
OR
If I'm struggling to get a job, apply for a course to get a certificate in whatever field I choose which should help me to get a job.
Step #5. Make money, move out.

There is an alternative Phase 1 which involves the help of my good mate who is offering to help pay for rent so I can move out before finding a 9-5 job. But I'm really reluctant to taking this path for a few reasons. 1. I'd be depending off of him and I hate putting that pressure on him, mentally and financially. 2. My parents will be super suspicious that I'm moving out whilst only working a casual job. Whilst I'm 18 and legally independent, that doesn't stop them from doing whatever they want - either rummaging through my personal stuff for answers or simply physically not letting me move out. (Snippet of context; my FOO despise my good mate and tried to have us stop talking a while back, but I still talk to him in private. So I can't just tell them he's helping me pay for rent, they'd be furious and probably get the police involved cause they're pieces of #$^&*#!.)

But the good news is that Step 1 of Phase 1 is finally complete. It's a super small task but I really struggle talking positively about myself, so dedicating a good few pages to JUST myself and my 'good traits' was an effort and a half. It's been especially difficult to do because of my fatigue, but yesterday I just said 'screw it', downed an energy drink and finished it all in one go. I try to not take these kind of drinks because I managed to get addicted to energy drinks back in highschool, I'm doing my best to stay away from them but it REALLY helped me get my work done. Now I'm going to get ready for work, and when I get back home, apply for a few jobs. Hooray for progress.

[Sceal]

Such a brilliant plan!
I hope writing down the spesific tasks you need to do in order to complete phase 1 will be motivational and helping you see what you can do to get out of there.
I hope it goes faster rather than later.
You are doing great, Aphotic! You really are. Having a goal, and dividing it up in to clearer steps is a great way of doing it.

Congratulations of finishing step 1! Not only is that a hard one, but it's amazing that you got the first one out of the way, means you only got 4 left! Keep up the good work, and remember to take care of yourself in the process. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Such a brilliant plan!
I hope writing down the spesific tasks you need to do in order to complete phase 1 will be motivational and helping you see what you can do to get out of there.
I hope it goes faster rather than later.
You are doing great, Aphotic! You really are. Having a goal, and dividing it up in to clearer steps is a great way of doing it.

Congratulations of finishing step 1! Not only is that a hard one, but it's amazing that you got the first one out of the way, means you only got 4 left! Keep up the good work, and remember to take care of yourself in the process. 

Thank you so much, Sceal. Writing my tasks down ALWAYS helps me out, I like being organised. ^-^

And talking about being organised... I went and finally turned my Mood Diary into a spreadsheet. It has a section for each week, where I can write in whatever mood I'm feeling, either Content or Tense, etc, and the conditional formatting will automatically highlight it the appropriate colour to make it all pretty and easy to read. \/ This was last week where I actually felt pretty okay for the most of it.


But I also turned it into a big spreadsheet because now I can use basic code to compile graphs and charts, making the whole 'analyse your emotions' even easier. From doing all this I've found a few interesting points, such as; I thought I'd been slacking off in bed too much lately but the hours of sleep I've been getting has actually been decreasing which is nice to see.
As well as a 'Sleep Chart', I put together a 'Weekly Mood Trend' which I hope will be able to show the progress of my recovery.


Basically it looks like this so far. I started the Mood Diary in week 1 as an idea from my therapist. In week 3 I shared to my therapist a snippet of my trauma that I'd told no-one else before, and understandably it completely knocked me off my feet. Boy, it was good to get off my chest, though I felt slightly pathetic sobbing and shaking in her office chair. Then week 4 I had the CPTSD diagnosis going for me, researching into it and it spiked my mood through the roof apparently... I guess I was finally feeling validated and I was finally understanding what was going on, why I feel the way I do.
But seeing the figures in this kind of helps remind me that this is all going to take some time. One day I'll share the story that I told my therapist here I'm sure, I've tried actually but I keep breaking down mid-way through and deleting everything before posting. :S So it's obvious that I'm not quite ready to share it yet.

A lot of my periods of negative mood come from being around my FOO, so I'm REALLY hoping that when I'm eventually living on my own, the 'negative' line will decrease by a lot. Though I'm at least glad that my positive moods outweigh the negative. Last year it was a different story, going through a six month long episode of depression and every single day feeling like I was living through a miniature *. Anyway, I'll stop blabbering. Statistics, data, and maths makes me happy. Haha