Atramentous to Vibrant

[Hope66]

Hi Atramentous,
Your graphs and stats are amazing...   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I really struggle talking positively about myself, so dedicating a good few pages to JUST myself and my 'good traits' was an effort and a half.

This is really difficult for me too. Another one of those CPTSD traits? It feels somewhat good to not be alone in this, tho I'm sorry you have it too.
on finishing your resumee. Also on writing 5 Steps. And on your super-organised, colourful and professional-looking mood chart!  (Pretty short for me, no?)

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hi Atramentous,
Your graphs and stats are amazing...   
Hope 

Thank you! Glad you like them.

This is really difficult for me too. Another one of those CPTSD traits? It feels somewhat good to not be alone in this, tho I'm sorry you have it too.
on finishing your resumee. Also on writing 5 Steps. And on your super-organised, colourful and professional-looking mood chart!  (Pretty short for me, no?)

Wouldn't surprise me if numerous amount of peeps with CPTSD relate to that, unfortunately. :S Though it helps to ask my friends what my good traits are and they can usually come up with a few that I wouldn't have ever thought of. lol
But thank you a bunch for the kind words and cheers.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm feeling frustrated about living here again. You see, if I lived alone...
- I wouldn't have to be constantly cleaning up after my sister's mess just so I can keep myself in a kind of better mood.
- I wouldn't have to constantly check the washing machine to know when it's available and when I can go wash my own clothes.
- I wouldn't have to hide my own food so that my FOO won't eat it themselves.
- I wouldn't be woken up every 6-7am from my FOO blasting the TV and having their daily argument with absolutely no regards to me and my sleep.
I feel like one of the big steps to recovery is kind of 'claiming' my space, to be able to manage my surroundings as to how I see fit. (Yes, I realise this is a very controlling thing to say, which is why I plan to indefinitely live alone. So nobody has to deal with that except myself. It's a win win situation.) There are a few things I've been trying, to kind of feel more like an actual adult, cook my own meals, reading magazines, tidying and organising my room, you know... things the stereotypical average female adult does. But I just can't seem to do enough to feel like I'm actually in control.
I think the only way to get this control of course is to move out but yeah, that's gonna take a while. 

On another topic: Yesterday I almost fell into another spill of dissociation whilst talking to someone. It was the same person I was massively triggered by last time even which didn't help things. But I'm proud of myself for being able to ground myself this time and redirect the conversation to a less triggering subject. However, I still messed up in a way, because this topic wouldn't have come up at all if I had rejected her offer to join her online chat group. I accepted thinking; "This will be different. New people, new atmosphere." but in the end, I got that same feeling I did with all the past groups I was apart of. Alone... couldn't relate to anyone, couldn't find anything interesting to say, and I think I'm going to leave the group asap before I fall into a false sense that I'll be able to overcome these feelings. I'm just trying to think of what to tell her that won't possibly hurt her feelings.

"I'm leaving cause I don't enjoy the company of the people there" ...nah, sounds mean.
"I'm leaving cause it's just the same thing as before" way too harsh.
"I'm leaving cause I expected different" yeah nope.
"I'm leaving cause I have issues" the most accurate but probably just raises more questions than answers.

(sigh) Okay, Aphotic... no more joining social groups!!! You keep doing this over and over, expecting things to change but they don't! Stop it! You already have people you can come to for company and socialising, you literally don't need any more. So stop. You're just going to hurt yourself again and again.

lol If anyone has any ideas on what to say to my friend about leaving the group that won't hurt her feelings, I'm all for it cause we ain't got any ideas.

[Sceal]

Dear Aphotic,

It's awful you still have to live where you are. I would also love a place of my own to mess up or tidy up, or organize the way that fits me the best. So I totally relate to that. But don't forget you are working towards your goal of moving out and getting a better job.  Keep up the good work!

As for your friend, those things are tricky.
How about "I really apprechiate you inviting me to these groups, but right now I got so much on my plate that I can't be so involved" ?

[sanmagic7]

hey, a.a.,

couple of things came to mind.  i have some of the same issues you mentioned, as i live in a house with 4 other people.  making sure the shower is empty, the bathroom isn't occupied, and someone isn't doing laundry when i want to - yep, i can relate.

i just can't afford my own place, so renting a room in someone's house was my best option.  the owner is pretty much a clean freak, so there are higher standards i have to live up to then i'm used to.  i would prefer to live by myself as well, but i don't think of that as a control issue.  especially in your case - i think it's a self-care issue. 

it's difficult to feel safe and at ease when you have to listen to blaring tv's and arguments.  (happily, this place is very quiet and subdued).  it's an infringement on your personal space to have to clean up after another.  and, as far as making your own space your own, i know that one well.

the owner had this room decorated according to her own taste when i first moved in.  altho i couldn't choose the color of the walls, etc., and it's furnished with her furniture, i was quick to replace her pictures with my own wall hangings,  and make her decor my own as much as possible.  it's unconventional, but it's mine and makes it homier for me.

as far as what to tell your friend, some of my go-to reasons for declining something is 'it's not a good fit for me', or 'it;s just not working for me'.  if she presses for an explanation, one can always say something like 'i can't really explain it', or 'something just doesn't feel comfortable for me'.  keep it personal by saying 'for me'.   if she presses further, the old standby - 'i don't really know.  it's just me, i guess'. 

i've had a similar experience with support groups in the past, both online and in real life.  i gave them a shot - this is the only place i've felt at home, part of the community.   for whatever reason, the rest didn't quite fit my needs.  i'm comfortable here, tho, and for that i'm grateful.  glad you're here as well.

sending you a big hug filled with perseverance  and confidence.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Dear Aphotic,

It's awful you still have to live where you are. I would also love a place of my own to mess up or tidy up, or organize the way that fits me the best. So I totally relate to that. But don't forget you are working towards your goal of moving out and getting a better job.  Keep up the good work!

As for your friend, those things are tricky.
How about "I really apprechiate you inviting me to these groups, but right now I got so much on my plate that I can't be so involved" ?

Thank you Sceal. And cheers for the reminder. I should do another 'apply for as many jobs as I can possibly find' session tonight if I can, haha.

But in regards to what to tell my friend, that is a really good suggestion. Thank you. Will definitely try that.

couple of things came to mind.  i have some of the same issues you mentioned, as i live in a house with 4 other people.  making sure the shower is empty, the bathroom isn't occupied, and someone isn't doing laundry when i want to - yep, i can relate.

Oh yes, living with 3 other people and getting up in the morning readying myself for work, but there's this queue for the shower that I have to work around. :\ It's little things like these but they get tiring day after day after day.

it's difficult to feel safe and at ease when you have to listen to blaring tv's and arguments.  (happily, this place is very quiet and subdued).  it's an infringement on your personal space to have to clean up after another.  and, as far as making your own space your own, i know that one well.

the owner had this room decorated according to her own taste when i first moved in.  altho i couldn't choose the color of the walls, etc., and it's furnished with her furniture, i was quick to replace her pictures with my own wall hangings,  and make her decor my own as much as possible.  it's unconventional, but it's mine and makes it homier for me.

Thankfully with a sudden room to myself, I'll be able to keep it CLEAN.
But it's nice that the pictures and what not made it a little more homier for you. I've started putting up my printed drawings on my wall myself and they're soothing to look at.

as far as what to tell your friend, some of my go-to reasons for declining something is 'it's not a good fit for me', or 'it;s just not working for me'.  if she presses for an explanation, one can always say something like 'i can't really explain it', or 'something just doesn't feel comfortable for me'.  keep it personal by saying 'for me'.   if she presses further, the old standby - 'i don't really know.  it's just me, i guess'. 

These are good suggestions too, maybe I can just tell her... "Thanks for inviting me, however I've got a lot of stuff I need to deal with at the moment and it makes it hard for me to really fit into these groups". Maybe? It's honest and explains things pretty okay I think. ^^

i've had a similar experience with support groups in the past, both online and in real life.  i gave them a shot - this is the only place i've felt at home, part of the community.   for whatever reason, the rest didn't quite fit my needs.  i'm comfortable here, tho, and for that i'm grateful.  glad you're here as well.

Mhm, this forum is pretty great. I think I find it comfortable here because the general populace is more mature? And of course, I can relate to people here a lot more than anywhere else.

Thank you both for the replies.

[sanmagic7]

i think your wording sounds just right.  i'd go for it.

so very glad you're able to put your art on your walls.  it feels comforting to think about it.

keep hangin' tough, a.a.  we're hangin' right beside you.  big hug filled with courage and conviction for you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

i think your wording sounds just right.  i'd go for it.

so very glad you're able to put your art on your walls.  it feels comforting to think about it.

keep hangin' tough, a.a.  we're hangin' right beside you.  big hug filled with courage and conviction for you.

Thank you so much, San. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I've kinda been absent from here a bit but in a good way I think?

I've started writing down what alters I'm experiencing throughout the day, it can be a bit overwhelming at night thinking back and reflecting on it. But I'm hoping by the end of all this I'll be able to identify in-the-moment who I am and what I'm feeling.

But also, I think I've finally made myself a friend that lives in the same city as me. I was reading through my old Facebook messages and noticed I'd missed one, from someone I didn't know but he was asking me if I needed anything else for my PC so I assumed he was the guy who built my PC for me at the computer store in-town. I realized I didn't have to reply to it, and it was already 3 months late, but I replied anyway, apologised for my late response and told him I didn't need anything else. He replied, I replied. We ended up getting into casual chatter. It's been a few days of getting to know each other and yesterday I even visited him whilst he was at work. The alters make it hard to see him the same way every hour but majority of my alters really adore his company, and I find it's been a very good distraction because for the past few days it hasn't even felt like anything is wrong, like I don't even have CPTSD. It's extremely refreshing, and I'm hoping it stays this way for a while. I enjoy having some peace of mind, to be grounded and enjoy simply talking to someone.
Though there's a part of me that fears he'll stop talking to me, won't reply to my messages. But he's a very nice person, I don't think he would just suddenly stop talking to me... I hope... I really hope. He's the best thing that's happened to me this month I think, I don't want him to go away...

[Sceal]

Sounds wonderful that you started talking to this guy!
I am glad that you've made a friend who's in your same town. 

[sanmagic7]

peace of mind is a blessing, and   i hope you can enjoy it while it's with you.  the whole thing sounds nice.  yay for you.  big hug, a.a.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there. I noticed you tended to reply to my threads so I was curious about you. Thanks for that, AA.

It's great you've gained a friend. Not everyone in the world is nice, but there always seem to be nice people if you work hard to look. It's pretty scary I know, but there are people worth trusting out there.

Haha. I want to say more, but I'm getting shy. I might say something wrong.

For some reason, you're oddly more approachable than other people here to me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you're nearer my age when most people here seem to be much older adults — with problems only much older adults have.

Well, good luck AA. All I can say.

[AphoticAtramentous]

@Sceal: ^^ Thank you.
@Sanmagic: The peace of mind has lasted a while which is nice. 5 days and counting, wow. I don't know why but I'm enjoying it as much as I possibly can.
@Decimal: No worries, dude. Thank you for the kind words though, it's much appreciated. And it can be nice to have people around your own age that have experienced the kind of things you have, it's comforting and relieving I think, sad, but comforting. Good luck to you as well, mate.

And a little update, as I said before, my mood has been strangely high this week. And I've even had some inspiration to draw more which is nice.
Though of course, my expectations in regards to my friend ended up to be true, fearing he'd leave me - he did just that. :\ Just suddenly, won't talk to me anymore, won't reply to any of my messages. It doesn't really help my self esteem but I'm trying to reassure myself that maybe I'm just the more lonely type of person. I don't crave social interaction as much as others, I don't really miss anyone. It was nice whilst it lasted but yeah. At least without him I have time to concentrate on my work and catch up on the forum.

[DecimalRocket]

It's sad that you lost contact with your friend. Though, I'm not forcing you to believe anything, only a short time has passed. And there's a myriad of other explanations for this other than your friend leaving you on purpose.

I've seen some of your art in the creative forum, and it looks amazing. I don't really know much about art though — people commented on expressing the emotions well, the lighting and so on but I don't really get this stuff. Haha — but it's nice you have something to express yourself with.

It reminds me of a show I watched that had a social outcast — outcasted because she loved studying and collecting rocks. She said she loved these rocks — because these rocks never judged her or hated her. In a similar way, many solitary hobbies allow a state where there is a lack of judgement from others. And at least for a little while, it can allow a sense of peace.

So I hope you enjoy what you can with your art, AA. See you around.