Atramentous to Vibrant

[Sceal]

  I am sorry that you lost your friend. I'm with Decimal, maybe there's another reason for his absence. Not that the waiting game is any fun.

Great to hear that you've felt like drawing! As a fellow creative - I know how precious it is when one has the energy and will to create!

[sanmagic7]

very sorry about your friend's abrupt departure.  that kind of thing can be difficult, especially with no closure, no explanation.  best to you with this.

i am glad you're doing some of your drawing, tho.  very cool.  creative outlet can be healing.  big hug to you.

[Blueberry]

  to you AA

[AphoticAtramentous]

It's sad that you lost contact with your friend. Though, I'm not forcing you to believe anything, only a short time has passed. And there's a myriad of other explanations for this other than your friend leaving you on purpose.

I've seen some of your art in the creative forum, and it looks amazing. I don't really know much about art though — people commented on expressing the emotions well, the lighting and so on but I don't really get this stuff. Haha — but it's nice you have something to express yourself with.

It reminds me of a show I watched that had a social outcast — outcasted because she loved studying and collecting rocks. She said she loved these rocks — because these rocks never judged her or hated her. In a similar way, many solitary hobbies allow a state where there is a lack of judgement from others. And at least for a little while, it can allow a sense of peace.

So I hope you enjoy what you can with your art, AA. See you around.

Thank you Decimal. The reply and kinds words are very appreciated.
I can relate to that social outcast though... a lot of what I do is because it can't be judged - or at least, I can choose when to be judged or not. I like sitting at my piano playing the same song over and over and over, and nobody is around to get annoyed by it. It's relaxing for me.

@Sceal, San, Blueberry:
Thank you so much. ^^

[Trigger Warning - Happy rant? So don't read it if you're feeling a bit envious today]
I think something has kinda clicked for me lately... I asked myself "what are you afraid of?", "why are you so scared of your past?". And I thought about it hard and I realized that all that stuff I went through doesn't exist anymore. I can think for myself now, so who cares what my FOO says about me now? I'm not a child, I don't NEED anyone. Having the room to myself, being able to keep my space arranged the way I want it to, it's just a taste of what I'll have when I'm living on my own... and I'm getting closer and closer to that goal. And I should stop trying to look for new friends, I don't even need them - I already have a few friends that keep me company. I've even had an old friend recently come back online yesterday and it's been such a pleasure catching up with her. I don't even mind the thought of being alone... because I don't ever feel lonely.
This past week and a half has been strangely upbeat. Like, VERY upbeat. I was only unhappy for four hours in total last week apparently. And so far this week - 0 hours unhappy. Either I'm Bipolar or something good has happened. I hope I'm not Bipolar lol That would be such a pain. But I've been drawing regularly, keeping myself clean and fed and I'm about to go out to get my eyes checked and possibly buy new lenses for myself - most likely will.
I've even had the emotional strength to think of having my best mate visit me. My attempt at visiting him a year ago was a big trauma for me, a lot of things happened that should never have happened - the way I was treated by the officials there, how trapped I was. But I'm convinced I can make this right, get some closure. I'm convinced one day I'll be able to walk into an airport and not feel absolute fear and dread. I've talked to my mate about this upcoming visit a lot, and we already expect I might dissociate pretty hard when he arrives. But he said he's happy to interact with whatever identity springs up to take control, it's really comforting. It's nice to have someone around who knows all my different identities and behaves accordingly to whichever one is present.

But anyway, I really hope this mood keeps up - the productivity and inspiration. I don't know if I'll be around on this site much, I've been focusing on my physical surroundings a lot more lately and trying to keep myself organised as much as possible. It's good though.

[Sceal]

 
It sounds like you're in a good place now, and you deserve every second of it!
I am happy that you get to hang out with your best-friend soon, I hope it will be an amazing visit with loads of laughter, good conversations and great times. For all of your alters.

Keep up your drawing!

This site will be here if you need us, but I hope you don't 

[AphoticAtramentous]

It sounds like you're in a good place now, and you deserve every second of it!
I am happy that you get to hang out with your best-friend soon, I hope it will be an amazing visit with loads of laughter, good conversations and great times. For all of your alters.

Keep up your drawing!

This site will be here if you need us, but I hope you don't 

Thank you kindly Sceal. ^^ I had a few days of uninterrupted peace which was so so nice. Now I feel more... "Back to normal", normal being just what I'm used to where I have an EF three times per week. Lol But I'm not too upset about it. I'm just glad I had that little while of happiness.

I've discovered a few things though in the past few weeks. Discoveries of my future, past, self, others. Been having EFs and my IC roars in my ears occasionally but I'm learning new triggers, and looking at it optimistically - it's all progress.
My best friend sighed earlier, and that threw me into an EF. Crazy. And so unexpected, really threw me off. But when it's all over I can analyse these things, realise why it hurt so much. I feel slightly bad for other people who have to deal with me and my emotional instability. They must have a great deal of strength and care for me if they haven't left me yet. :S

Trigger warning - emotional abuse
But I had a chance earlier to just think back and actually mourn a little. I remembered random things my FOO said and did, this time focusing on their anger and intolerance to my own emotions. My anger was not allowed, not even a slight grumble - complaining wasn't allowed. And whenever I was being screamed at, resulting in me crying - I remember my F telling me I was just crying to make him feel bad and that I should stop. He asked "Why are you crying? You have no reason to". I only cried because I was scared, because I felt so alone and hurt and in pain.
That's probably a reason as to why I don't cry as much as I should. It just feels unnatural somehow. I can shed maybe a tear or two but nothing more than that. I wish I could just... Weep and be able to express myself. I wish I could cry out, let it all out... But I can't.

[sanmagic7]

a.a., to me, with the progress you're making (having that time of happiness - i think it portends that there will be more of those in the future, lasting longer as you have more experience with them), doing some grieving that was enabled by a time of self-reflection,it seems that the tears you need to express will eventually come.  you just may not be ready for them yet.

they'll be there, tho, of that i have no doubt.  you're moving forward with courage and determination.  sending a big hug with more of the same, and lots of love.

[Blueberry]

AA, I think you're making tons of progress too.

I go through phases - sometimes very long ones - of not being able to cry. I feel tears behind my eyes, that's really what it feels like, but I can't shed any of them. Then there are short phases where tears are welling up all the time. I imagine that you will reach a point too when the tears start to come.

Here's for all those times of pain and fear and loneliness you described.

[Sceal]

 

[DecimalRocket]

I agree with the others, Aa. You are making lots of progress.

I find in myself that there was a point in grieving where the pain from memories just pile up one over the other until you need to let the tears out. It began in that feeling of a breaking point . . . until my eyes start to water and I get to the point where I'm crying with overflowing tears, moaning and snot. It's not pretty really, but it's a great relief after.

From the books I've read on this, people with trauma like us probably have contained a lot of supressed emotions over the years that need to be expressed. And that it's often healing to feel something that your younger self couldn't feel.

Take care, AA. You'll get there. You've come so far.

[AphoticAtramentous]

a.a., to me, with the progress you're making (having that time of happiness - i think it portends that there will be more of those in the future, lasting longer as you have more experience with them), doing some grieving that was enabled by a time of self-reflection,it seems that the tears you need to express will eventually come.  you just may not be ready for them yet.

they'll be there, tho, of that i have no doubt.  you're moving forward with courage and determination.  sending a big hug with more of the same, and lots of love.

I do hope I'll have more of those bouts of happiness. ^^ It was really nice.
But maybe you're right there, that I'm just 'not ready'. Thank you very much for the reply, San. You're as helpful and loving as always. 

AA, I think you're making tons of progress too.

I go through phases - sometimes very long ones - of not being able to cry. I feel tears behind my eyes, that's really what it feels like, but I can't shed any of them. Then there are short phases where tears are welling up all the time. I imagine that you will reach a point too when the tears start to come.

Here's for all those times of pain and fear and loneliness you described.

Thanks for sharing this, Blueberry! Let's hope that point where I can really just cry will come soon. I feel like I need it! Haha

I agree with the others, Aa. You are making lots of progress.

I find in myself that there was a point in grieving where the pain from memories just pile up one over the other until you need to let the tears out. It began in that feeling of a breaking point . . . until my eyes start to water and I get to the point where I'm crying with overflowing tears, moaning and snot. It's not pretty really, but it's a great relief after.

From the books I've read on this, people with trauma like us probably have contained a lot of supressed emotions over the years that need to be expressed. And that it's often healing to feel something that your younger self couldn't feel.

Take care, AA. You'll get there. You've come so far.

Thanks a bunch, Decimal. ^^ The reply is really appreciated. Honestly, I think the snottier and messier the crying is, the better it feels. Haha
Crying certainly was a very suppressed thing for me. I suddenly remember once... in Grade 10 or something, I was feeling so overwhelmed after being abused by my F that morning, I arrived at school and suddenly hugged my friend without warning, began to sob and weep hard on her shoulder. She wasn't sure what to do, just stood there kinda shocked haha, my bad. But it was nice to let myself cry like that. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I feel slightly bad for posting so much here lately but this week has just been so rough on me. Getting EF triggers every few hours that I can't get out of because I'm still stuck in this *. I'm in an EF now but there's nothing I can do except wait. It sucks, but whatever.

My FOO has me sitting at the dining table for dinner again these days. I just sit there in silence afraid to say anything. Occasionally they ask me when I'm working and such, I just give them the direct answers and leave it at that. But every single time we get together at the table, they bring up the whole marriage ceremony I apparently need to go to in April. This is a really big stressor for me, and it hits me really hard whenever it's mentioned. Going to the marriage ceremony would be like being hit with 20 triggers at once. It's my older sister getting married with someone she's known for a few years now. I'll be honest, I don't like the idea of marriage or being tied to someone like that. My parents married and over the 10 years they were married they threatened divorce as much as they hugged. I knew a couple who got married and then literally a month later divorced. So yeah, I'm not excited. In fact when I first heard the news my heart sunk - took me a while to realise that marriage is something normal people do and actually enjoy.

But it's not just the marriage itself that triggers me, it's that the ceremony is on the other side of the country - which means I'd have to catch a flight there. I get really bad shivers just thinking of going into an airport. And the thought of sitting in a plane for hours... no no no no no thank you.
And on top of that I've been thinking, what would my FOO think when I don't show up for the wedding? Upset obviously, mad, annoyed. Nothing new. I feel guilty about it. But why should I be? They've toyed with my emotions for years, so why is it so hard for me to do the same thing back for just one day? I'm fighting myself on this so hard.

Oh, and I just remembered... maybe another reason why I despise that marriage ceremony so much is because I was in an arranged marriage once (almost, only got to the engaged part). How did I even forget that? I guess when you've gone through so much bs it starts blending in and blurring a little. If I were to write all the possible triggers for this thing, I would have written an essay. This is ridiculous.
I refuse to go, I can't go. But when I've moved out in January, this won't be an issue. I just have to keep fighting till then. Just a little longer... hang in there.

[Hope66]

Hang on in there, AphoticAtramentous,
Like you say, you've got till January - and time will pass -  to you, and sorry that your week has been so rough on you - all those EF triggers - would be hard for anyone to cope with, but I really hope you get the strength from within you to get through this. 
A family event is so challenging, and you have every right to decide what you want to do in that situation. 
Just wanted to say that I hope that you will feel better about posting as frequently as you need to - I don't think there's a right or wrong amount to posting - and the great thing about this forum is that we do understand one another. 
Take care
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hang on in there, AphoticAtramentous,
Like you say, you've got till January - and time will pass -  to you, and sorry that your week has been so rough on you - all those EF triggers - would be hard for anyone to cope with, but I really hope you get the strength from within you to get through this. 
A family event is so challenging, and you have every right to decide what you want to do in that situation. 
Just wanted to say that I hope that you will feel better about posting as frequently as you need to - I don't think there's a right or wrong amount to posting - and the great thing about this forum is that we do understand one another. 

When our weeks are bad, we post a lot. It's OK, that's what the forum is for. Hope's right. There is no right/wrong amount to the way you're posting.

I think you're doing great, just answering FOO's questions directly and leaving it that way. Sounds as if you are not getting drawn into arguments or justifying yourself. Which is good. Kudos  to you for sticking through all this while seeing your abusers daily and being under their roof. A triggering situation in itself.

I missed 2 sib weddings that would have been majorly triggering for me in other ways. The last family celebration I went to ended up disastrous for me. It's good to know that we really don't have to go to these FOO celebrations. We don't need to feel bad about not going. Plus if you have a problem with airports, well, that's 'dangerous' so can't fly, sorry. Too triggering. Even if you do manage for you, to fly somewhere you really want to go. That's different. For me anyway. I get full-blown anxiety in planes as opposed to in airports. Looking forward to the end result helps me to stay out of an EF on the journey.  Wouldn'T if I was lookign forward to more stress.   

[sanmagic7]