Atramentous to Vibrant

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, AA. It sounds like you're going through a lot of stress. You said your abusive FOO is going to be at the marriage ceremony and that's going to be tough on you.

I remember reading something about brainwashing when I read about World War II that reminded me of this. A general — I forgot the name — had this idea of putting a person in solitary isolation for a long time. And while taking advantage of this war prisoner's loneliness, he would talk to them as their only friend and use their vulnerability to send abusive messages to their minds that called for absolute obedience. He would surround the prisoner with people who were already brainwashed and keep them in an environment where they were stuck in that fashion.

It's a lot like this. Your past isolation from support. Other people taking advantage of your vulnerability. Your FOO creating an environment where no one believes in you. It's just . . . tough. But we'd be here to stay — an abusive environment might just be cured with a warm environment. So we'll be here waiting when you need help, alright, Aa?

I hope my analogy wasn't too weird or a bad idea. I have some . . . nerdy hobbies.

[AphoticAtramentous]

@Hope: Thank you a lot Hope, I really appreciate the reply. It's School Holidays soon so things are more quiet in regards to work - which means my sister is at home every day now, soon my M will be as well. Christmas is going to be so rough but I'll just try to get through it.

@Blueberry: Thanks for the kind words, Blueberry. ^^ Did you get much negativity from your FOO when you missed those weddings? One of the reasons why I want to go full no-contact with anyone in my family is because I don't want to be shunned and disowned over and over for me just looking after myself.

@San: 

@Decimal: A lot of my FOO will be there yes... FOO, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles. Ugh. But I don't think your analogy is bad or weird. Just makes me feel understood, thank you. This forum is very much a 'warm' environment and I'm thankful for it. Thank you for the reply.

I had work today and then went straight to a therapist appointment. I'm proud that I did those things in one day, got stuff done, makes me feel productive. It's the tenth T session so we had an obligatory little review of things and my T has said that I've definitely progressed a lot. Apparently when I first came in she wrote me down as having severe depression and anxiety. But today she's told me that I'm now sitting more at a kind of 'medium' depression and slightly-less severe anxiety. It kind of surprised me to hear 'severe depression'. I mean I knew I had a #$%^& mood but I didn't think it was that serious. I still have a long way to go, a lot of fears to overcome and triggers to conquer. But at least I'm making progress.
Though the one thing I don't really see myself progressing in is my identity. I still feel lost and confused about myself, I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what to do about it. I shouldn't think about it too hard right now because I'll just feel angry at myself for it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, a.a.,

sounds like you've definitely made some great progress.  you're doing a lot of hard work to accomplish that.

severe depression is going to mess with your mind, making it hard to concentrate and focus on things such as your identity.  i wouldn't be so hard on myself, if i were you.  getting out of a severely depressed state is going to take a lot of energy all by itself.  it doesn't leave much room for some of the finer details we want to tackle.

i believe that as you continue to progress in your recovery, you'll be able to find your 'self' more and more.  it'll come.  it's the old saying of 'we have to learn to walk before we can run'.  you'll get there - of that i have no doubt.  big hug to you my dear, full of patience and love.

[AphoticAtramentous]

@San: Thank you greatly for the reassurance. It's a lot of waiting but I also need to remember to take care of myself and keep on moving forward. It's so difficult but it has to be done to make any more progress so.

---

Trigger warning
I feel fragile. I've been in an EF for about two days now and it's sucked the life and happiness out of me. It's just gotten worse till an hour ago I was listening to every single little thing my inner critic told me. "I'm a pain, nobody wants me." "I'm better off dead." "What's the point in anything." And then I wanted to hurt myself, 'punish' myself and make me feel the pain that I felt I deserved. But my best friend talked to me, told me to stop and to not listen to my illness. I got so close to hurting myself but I didn't. Instead I suddenly grabbed my pillow and actually managed to sob! Not these little pathetic teardrops. I cried till my entire face was wet and my nose an entire mess. Granted I could still only cry for a minute but I can't remember the last time I cried this much. And the whole time whilst I cried, I thought "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?". Which I'd like to think are a lot better to say than what my IC was saying before.
I feel... I don't know, mad for being in an EF but accomplished I've let myself cry like that.

I have a humorous theory that maybe I can't cry is because I used up all my cry-quota. When I was a child and I cried, I cried a LOT. I cried till I was hyperventilating and barely able to breathe. I'm certain I cried more than the average child. Thus I'm all out of tears now, I cried more than what was expected of me. So now I just have to wait for my supply of tears to 'refill'.

I don't know if I'm still in an EF or not. I hope writing this has grounded me a little. I'm afraid of tripping and losing the positivity I hold so gently in my hands, afraid I'm going to fall back into that dark pit. I don't know what caused the EF, haven't had one this long before but I won't think about it yet, not until my mind is clear and less foggy. It might be the nightmares that kick-started it but I'm not sure.

[Blueberry]

  

I hope you are feeling less EF and more grounded now that you've written a bit and cried.

You have such a way with words, AA! I don't, they keep disappearing today.  So just sending more 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Blueberry, means a lot.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, Aa. I've had a tough time recently and finally teared up in a similar way you have too. Many of us here have been taught not to cry, not to get so emotional, but this is what's true healing is to many of us. No crying to a minute of deep crying sounds like progress to me.

You're worth it, and you don't need to punish yourself for being human. I won't blame you. Or angrily yell at you. Or minimize the intense pain of what you're going through. No pressure, no rushing and no hatred.

Take care of yourself, Aa,

[sanmagic7]

crying.  it has been our nemesis and our savior and a lot of us are still trying to find a balance with it.  i know i am. 

i was shut down from crying by harsh criticism and mockery.  there were many years, situations, and circumstances for which i didn't cry.  the first time i went into therapy half a lifetime ago was when my crying began again.  then, however, it just kept leaking out generically at anything emotional.  i couldn't stop myself and it continued to get worse and more often.

lately, i've been able to find some focus for it, and have cried heartily on several occasions in the past weeks.  these tears have been different, as if they've had a purpose.  i believe they have been cathartic and cleansing, even tho difficult and exhausting.  still, i'm glad for this new direction - it's seeming to bring resolution to some very old issues.

i think your time will come, a.a., when you'll be able to cry again, and it will be more appropriate, more directed, and with understanding.   i'm really happy for you that you had that great cry.  i don't doubt more will come.  good for you for letting it happen.  these tears of ours are full of toxins.  also hope you're out of that nasty ef.  those are not fun.

warm, loving hug for you, my dear.  it's too bad we can't all have a good cry together.