greetings and gratitude

[turnstone]

Hello, all.

I'm 40 years old and have been dealing with depression for most of my life. I've been given a lot of different diagnoses (incl. major depression of course, also bipolar, ADHD, more). I have worked with many different therapists and psychiatrists and been prescribed a lot of medications. It was only at the beginning of this summer that a series of things happened that finally led me to a trauma specialist, who gave me a diagnosis that feels like it fits in every way: complex PTSD resulting from developmental trauma that shaped everything about my understanding of who I am and how I fit into the world.

It's been a rough few months so far. I recently relocated for my dream job, and from the outside my life is actually pretty great right now ... but I've stopped showing up for work, and am struggling as much as I ever have. Not to get too deep into details but it comes down to things involving my parents' situation, and how they're old and in failing health, and now basically need me to save them from the same things they inflicted on me--that no one saved me from, and that I've been suffering from ever since.

Thinking of myself as a traumatized human who's mostly done an okay job of getting by (until now), instead of simply someone with depression or with bipolar or whatever, has really changed my worldview dramatically. It's allowed me to start actually doing the emotional/psychological work that I need to do. But it's also really really hard, as I suppose you know.

Anyway. Thanks for reading. I hope--I really, really hope--that I can make some meaningful human connections on the forums here.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome Turnstone, it's great to meet you!
I'm glad you got the correct diagnosis and feel you fit in now - after so many years I bet that must feel like such a relief. ^-^
With your parents, I don't really have any advice to give I'm afraid. Though I will say I sort of understand how that must feel.
[Trigger warning start - family]
My parents told me ALL the time "You'll have to look after us when we're older"
"You'll need to pay us back"
"You are in debt to us"
[Trigger warning end]
But I just can't fathom the idea of wanting to 'pay them back' ANYTHING. It feels like they hurt me more than they nurtured and helped me. So I think I understand how that all must feel. But for you it's probably a lot harder, because now you're at the point of actually DOING said things. I bet that's hard. :\

I hope you stick around though, there are plenty of people here you can talk to, people who can share advice and we'll listen to everything you have to say. ^-^
Things will get better.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, turnstone! I'm glad you're here.

I had to take care of my parents as they got older, too. I made sure I didn't over-do it and took time to care for myself. My decision to be involved in their care - which included being executrix of their estate - was primarily fueled not out of a sense of obligation to them but a sort of future self-care to avoid any guilt or regret after their deaths for distancing myself. For me, it was the right decision, and surprisingly brought a measure of healing for our fractured relationships.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here, and I hope you do find some meaningful connections here, as many of us have. Thanks for joining!

[Alarrah]

Hi there Turnstone!

I'm sorry that you are going through all this, but I'm glad you are here. I understand the frustration of having your dream job, but having your mental health stand in the way. It stinks, and I can't imagine caring for your family makes it easier. I am so impressed by you for doing it. I don't know if I could.

Thinking of myself as a traumatized human who's mostly done an okay job of getting by (until now), instead of simply someone with depression or with bipolar or whatever, has really changed my worldview dramatically. It's allowed me to start actually doing the emotional/psychological work that I need to do. But it's also really really hard, as I suppose you know.

This. I am still working on forgiving myself for not being normal, but what you said here really touched me. Thank you. Please keep writing. 

[turnstone]

Thank you for the warm welcome, Three Roses, and for all the work you obviously do within this community. It means a lot.

I had to take care of my parents as they got older, too. I made sure I didn't over-do it and took time to care for myself. My decision to be involved in their care - which included being executrix of their estate - was primarily fueled not out of a sense of obligation to them but a sort of future self-care to avoid any guilt or regret after their deaths for distancing myself. For me, it was the right decision, and surprisingly brought a measure of healing for our fractured relationships.

I'm working on self-care and boundaries. I thought I had good boundaries in place with my parents, but what I hadn't counted on was the sense of obligation I feel to my siblings. It's making a difficult situation even more complicated.

I'll post more details over on one of the more specialized boards here in a little bit. So much is happening, so fast ... it's overwhelming. And while I'm lucky enough to have found a great therapist and we're working on coping skills, it's still overwhelming!  Oy.

[turnstone]

I hope you stick around though, there are plenty of people here you can talk to, people who can share advice and we'll listen to everything you have to say. ^-^
Things will get better.

I hope so. It's hard to hold onto the hope right now, though.

I see you're new here too. I'm glad we've found this site, and I'm grateful to those who came before us and got it started while dealing with their own pain. I've been lurking on the reddit CPTSD boards, but--I don't know, they seemed a little too all over the place? This seems like a much more meaningful and sharing community.

[turnstone]

This. I am still working on forgiving myself for not being normal, but what you said here really touched me. Thank you. Please keep writing. 

Hi Alarrah, thanks for the warm welcome, and the supportive feedback. I'm feeling like such a black hole right now, taking all the light from the universe and giving nothing in return--it helps me to hear that maybe that's one of those false beliefs they talk about.