stuck behind freeze/fawn

[fullofsoundandfury]

Hi guys 

Hope you're all having a nice day.

I'm increasingly noticing within myself that when it is time for me to talk, I totally dissociate. I just flee, blank out - where does my consciousness go? It must be so weird for them!! (whoever is looking at me, talking to me, waiting for a response)

There is tremendous fear present but I do not feel it, I am just aware of it.... I can watch the symptoms of it physiologically - **** this stuff is hard to put into words!

Here's the kicker - I know I am smart. I have important things that I want to say. It is important for all people, including me, to be able to express themselves.  I should have that right.
Also, sometimes it is important for me to defend myself, assert myself, protect myself with words. This is currently completely outside my scope of capacity. I am hijacked and short circuited by an immediate emotional trigger which sends me into profound dissociation. My body becomes a marionette going through the motions.

I notice if an authority figure at work comes and says stuff at me, I dissociate and smile and nod and fawn, but forget most of the things they have said because I've left the building. I think people would be able to see in my eyes that I'm glazed over and not present or alert.

This contributes to my toxic shame as well.

For a long time I was comfortable with this fawn/freeze response and deflecting, listening, asking questions, encouraging others to monologue, going along with what others wanted, never asserting or informing others, suited me. Now it is no longer viable professionally or personally.

I need to be able to show others myself, my mind, etc.

Has anyone had this experience and had any success in reducing the automatic shut-down triggered response?

[Three Roses]

Boy can I relate to what you're saying. I'm a fairly intelligent person (I think ),  and that moment when I dissociate from reality when someone is talking is so frustrating! Sometimes I even have to overcome the impulse to just stand up and walk away, which I'm sure they'd find even more distressing and confusing.

I've found that saying something like, "I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I was distracted" snaps me back to the here-and-now, and is understandable for most people. More so than, "Sorry, I was dissociated" anyway, heh heh.

Either way tho, it's tough, and I empathize with the struggle of living with heavy dissociation. Hope this helps!

[fullofsoundandfury]

That was hugely helpful ThreeRoses. I'm so relieved someone gets what I'm saying and relates!!

I am really looking forward to developing the capacity to stay in my body and speak my truth 

[Candid]

I have this, too.  What I call 'clear' days when everything works and I can listen to people and respond, and foggy days when I really can't do it; just can't stop my mind wandering and literally don't hear what people are saying to me. 

Rumination is the opposite of mindfulness.

For me, there's clear correlation with how well I've slept. I have chronic insomnia (presently acute) so it's a familiar pattern.