Stuck in time

[Lilfae]

My first post here.

I am not sure how to start... But Ill try.
My background is long, so I wont go into details about it all. But * really started to hit the fan for me when I was 16. I got in a manipulative relationship that emotionally and sexually abused me for over 4 years. When I was 18 a friend gave me an ultimatum it was either to seek professional help or she would go talk to my parents. I chose professional help.

Except I couldnt really talk to them. I didnt trust them or anyone for years. So they misdiagnosed me, I cant blame them for that. I had no words for what I was living through, i dont think I quite realized either at the time. I was ashamed, sad, suicidal. I was in and out of psych wards. Eventually though I got better. And for a few periods i was without therapy. But then, it would happen again. Id get abused again. By a diffrtent person.  And it was back fown the rabbit hole. I clawed my way back up. And Even though its been hard and challening, i had good long periods. Then last summer it happened again.

I cant actually talk about it. I cant use the words. My current terapist knows because I wrote it in  a letter. I want to be able to talk about it. About all of it. Be able to put the blame where it belongs. But I feel like I am 20 again. (I am 31 now). The words doesnt come out. I avoid the * out of people, places, certain food and beverages, and topics. I avoid my emotions, press them down until i cant describe them anymore. I feel like I am stuck in a timeloop where I can watch other people continue their lives.
And I dont know how to talk to my therapist about it.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there, Lilfae. Welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry for what you've experienced. It sounds terrible...
You've written a letter to your therapist before, perhaps you could keep doing that? I know I certainly have a much easier time expressing myself through writing than verbally. When it comes to talking, I'm afraid I may say something I wasn't supposed to, I might make a mistake, and that really keeps me on edge. But writing something down, you can proofread and check it as many times as you want till you're comfortable with it.
Things will get better, just need to keep at it!

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Lilfae...I hope you can find some camaraderie here as you are among friends, many of whom will see themselves reflected in what you shared. While our  circumstances can vary, the hurt cuts across our seemingly separate selves. That sense of connection might seem thin or awkward, but it's a start towards healing too.

I too saw the letter you refer to as a glimmer of hope for getting unstuck as you grapple with how to express what so many of know can be close to impossible, especially given how our trust has been broken so often.

Maybe you can at least express the feelings you know are there but you can't fully access? Details of specific abuses aren't necessarily what the therapist (or yourself as they hurt so much) most needs to know. Perhaps just trying to express the feelings a little, even if you can't quite get all the right words, might be enough of a nudge to raise your comfort zone to a level of safety in finding a course that will also lessen the likelihood of recurrence you've experienced.

Finding relief in the past is impossible, although that's where the pain originated. That's a given, and the details may or may not be the key either, but the feelings are; then it's trying to build on those from now out as the new starting place. It has to be, as all travels begin only right now, in this moment.

While the shock waves of all that happened still have to be dealt with, the fact is we did survive. It might seem slow, but all we can do is accept where we are and go forward from here.

Hoping you can turn the corner and find some relief. 

[Lilfae]

Hey there, Lilfae. Welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry for what you've experienced. It sounds terrible...
You've written a letter to your therapist before, perhaps you could keep doing that? I know I certainly have a much easier time expressing myself through writing than verbally. When it comes to talking, I'm afraid I may say something I wasn't supposed to, I might make a mistake, and that really keeps me on edge. But writing something down, you can proofread and check it as many times as you want till you're comfortable with it.
Things will get better, just need to keep at it!

Thank you.
I could write her a letter again, I just am not sure what I should say, or how to say it. I am also afraid of making a mistake. I am also afraid she will quit, and I don't know if I got it in me to talk to yet another therapist. All over again.

[Lilfae]

Hi, Lilfae...I hope you can find some camaraderie here as you are among friends, many of whom will see themselves reflected in what you shared. While our  circumstances can vary, the hurt cuts across our seemingly separate selves. That sense of connection might seem thin or awkward, but it's a start towards healing too.

I too saw the letter you refer to as a glimmer of hope for getting unstuck as you grapple with how to express what so many of know can be close to impossible, especially given how our trust has been broken so often.

Maybe you can at least express the feelings you know are there but you can't fully access? Details of specific abuses aren't necessarily what the therapist (or yourself as they hurt so much) most needs to know. Perhaps just trying to express the feelings a little, even if you can't quite get all the right words, might be enough of a nudge to raise your comfort zone to a level of safety in finding a course that will also lessen the likelihood of recurrence you've experienced.

Finding relief in the past is impossible, although that's where the pain originated. That's a given, and the details may or may not be the key either, but the feelings are; then it's trying to build on those from now out as the new starting place. It has to be, as all travels begin only right now, in this moment.

While the shock waves of all that happened still have to be dealt with, the fact is we did survive. It might seem slow, but all we can do is accept where we are and go forward from here.

Hoping you can turn the corner and find some relief. 

Thank you!

Everytime I read an article about PTSD it makes it seems as if it's just a matter of a short period of time before you "move past it"/ "get over it" or something similar, and it makes my frustration even larger when I am still stuck. And more often than not stepping backwards and not forwards.

I might not be ready yet, to actually talk about it. All of it ( I don't mean the details, but the other things that happened that they never knew about). But at the same time, I want it off my chest. I want to be believed and heard.  When I do write, even if it's just for a journal for myself I can't access the emotions. Sometimes, but mainly I end up crying if I watch a really sad movie or read a sad book. And sometimes I just put on a sad movie, to be able to cry. Because I know I need to even if I am not able to do it for my own sake.

[woodsgnome]

Lilfae, you said: "Everytime I read an article about PTSD it makes it seems as if it's just a matter of a short period of time before you "move past it"/ "get over it" or something similar, and it makes my frustration even larger." I once also thought that might be the case; maybe it is or can be with certain people, I just know it didn't seem like it ever was that way for me.

I've literally spent umpteen swaths of my life poring over the answer that will do it for me, and haven't found it. Erasing the expectations of what will define "cure" or "healing" is a start. Those cute and even well-intended phrases implying it's easy and/or quick aren't applicable. Cptsd is like grieving a huge loss--words don't do it justice.

And feelings? Sometimes if they are there they go numb. It's the nature of grief and can't be broached with a one-liner or even lengthy pep-talk. The only feeling at that point is helplessness.

I had the same problem you allude to--in that I couldn't feel, at all. But I still knew something was seriously wrong and had been for almost my whole life. I was reminded of this recently by my therapist who remembered that when we first started our process together, I could not express feelings, was scared that if there were any I'd be freaked out, etc. I was on the edge of suicidal thoughts when my frustration built up, but found a way back from the edge (thanks to her patient listening/understanding, but in a way that honoured my own process and being).   

I'm better now, almost surprisingly so. Can't say I've forever turned a corner, I've had too many recurrences and setbacks to be that naive. But yes, I have seen a crack in the pavement. Enough of me, I just refer to it to relay my hope that you can find some way to come to a safe place for your feelings.

The sadness you mention is something else I learned to accept. I mean, it seemed (still does to an extent) like tears and crying bouts were almost always my normal state, lingering in the bacground; even if I didn't show it (scared of feelings again), I sensed that there was a sadness that didn't want to, maybe couldn't, leave, so I accepted it as part of who I am (though I don't appear sad to very many).

To me, it seems like your sadness is similar. Even if it doesn't seem like it's about you if you read it in a book or see it in a movie, maybe it is; and for now, it's where the feelings are coming up? I don't know, I just hope that makes a little sense and even more hope that you may find peace with your feelings--they're there, from what you've described, even if they seem hidden away for now.    

[Lilfae]

I am sorry for my very slow response.

Woodsgnome, I went to a talk last week about the psyche and the somatic connection. They were at one point talking about both expectations and accept. That accept can sometimes be thought of as the same as giving up, and I have to admit I felt quite connected to that bit. Accepting that things are the way they are right now is okay, but at the same time, I do not want to give up my expectations that things will become better. Exactly how much better and what that entails, I haven't quite figured out. Like you said being "healed" or "cured" might not be applicable. 

What they also talked about, which I found was interessting and often overlooked, is the grief that comes with chronic illnesses. (it was mainly a talk about how people deal with getting a chronic illness, and how the psychiatry and the somatic healthcare can work together to see the whole of the patient and not just the diagnosis) And although cPTSD isn't the same as getting rheumatism or cancer (I'm not saying either is worse than the other, just different), I felt that they touched upon the grief that comes with the reality that your future or "what could have been" has forever changed, and that it's only natural to be upset and grieve about the fact that things aren't turning out the way we hoped, or worked towards, because of something unexpected and uncontrollable. It made me realise that the sadness I've been carrying around is just that, grief over the future I've wanted but will have to re-adjust and find a more realistic version of. That's not easy though, but atleast I know where the sadness is based from even if I can't properly access it all the time. 

I am happy to hear that you are doing better. That is always good news, and I do hope that your progression will continue in an upward spiral.