It's trying to kill me...

[I like vanilla]

For this one, I will say a general trigger warning for the topic but there are no specific details about abuse.

I have this awful voice, this horrible, terrible part of me that hates me and is trying to kill me. It has told me it hates me, and exactly why it does (such horrible, hateful words it has for me and about me).

It tells me to throw myself in front of the train during my commute. Recently, I went hiking on a trail that had a large cliff. I had to turn back as it urged me to run off the edge. How is it fair for it to bother me on my recreation time?!? How is it fair to bother me at all?!?

**I** am NOT suicidal. I very much want to live (case in point, I left the bluff area). I have worked really hard to get where I am in life, I have worked really hard to get where I am on my healing journey. I am continuing to work very hard on both. BUT that horrible, terrible, part of my hates me and keeps sending horrible, terrible suggestions.

I have told my T about this problem. I was scared as I was sure he would get the people with the butterfly nets to haul me away (pardon the noir humour but I am in a noir mood). But, he (the T) reassured me that that is not the case. Ideation and fighting are different and I am fighting. But that voice. It is getting louder and more insistent. I continue to fight but it is making me so tired and so scared. I wish Monday were not a holiday as it means my T appointment got bumped into later in the week. I want to just hide in bed until then but I must work in between.

I hate that there is this part of me that hates me so much. I hate that I have to fight it so much. I hate that I have no idea what to do about it - I have tried fighting, discussing, negotiating, ignoring, and even befriending it. It has no interest in anything except hating me. I plan to hold on and keep trying, but some days I am less hopeful than others about ever beating it.


I just needed to tell that to someone(s) who might understand where I am coming from.

[Three Roses]

  I'm so sorry you're going thru that. I have no insight, just wanted to let you know I'm with you.

[Andyman73]

I hear you. I hear them too. Have heard them almost daily since 1994. But first remember hearing them the Summer when I was 10 years old. Summer of '94-'96 was a horrible time of my life...4 adult episodes of sa, 2 by a male predator. And 7 known attempts of sui.
My t was also bumped because of Monday holiday.  Sitting with you, safe 🤗If okayz

[Dee]

TW

I've worked a great deal with that voice.  I've even called that voice the manager who talks to the victim.  The manager tells the victim horrible things, things I would never say to another person regardless of circumstance.  The manager has told the victim repeatedly that she should die.  The world would be a better place without her.  Every place had a potential plan.  It's hard to enjoy the ocean when a voice says swim out as far as you can so you are too tired to swim back.

Lately the manager has been quieter.  I started talking back to the manager and over time it's become quieter and quieter.  Once I identified it, talked back, and worked hard in therapy it got better.  I find that amazing because it had been very loud for a very long time. 

 

[Andyman73]

For me, sometimes it's a single voice and sometimes it's a litany of voices like a chorus or a small crowd...

[sanmagic7]

i've heard this voice as well.  i think what's helped me is accepting that it'll be there sometimes, but that i don't have to listen to it.   i'm not surprised that you're tired from fighting it, vanilla.   that can be exhausting.

i like the idea of talking back to it, too.  it shows you have your own power and it's stronger.  i hope this will diminish with time.  it so horrible to have to fight yourself.  best to you, and a big hug filled with resistance and continued self-care.   

[Candid]

Whose voice is it, I like vanilla?  Who IRL said or implied "horrible, hateful" things about you?

I'm with sanmagic7 about talking back to it.  You can tell it what a good and loving human being you are, and keep telling it as long as it shows up, until it agrees and goes away.

Noir humour is good, BTW.  If we can find something witty in our darkest experiences, we know we're going to be okay. 

[I like vanilla]

Thank you all for the support, the courage to share your own stories, and tips of strategies that have worked for you.

I have seen my T recently, which has helped some. This voice tells me that I am worthless, a burden to be around, and so inherently horrible that I must avoid people or risk causing them harm with my very presence, etc. My T has been trying to get me to believe that the voice is wrong. Right now, I think I know that it is lying but I am yet not entirely believing it. I have tried to talk to this entity but it has no interest in listening; it just wants to destroy me. In other cases, I have been able to visualize the inner being that is talking to/yelling at me and have generally managed to figure out what is wrong and develop better coping mechanisms. In this case, really, I have tried many strategies to no avail.

I have, however, figured out an important factor that seems to be helping. This voice is not responding to me in the way that other parts of my inner self do because it is not really 'of me'. It is a poison planted in me by my NM, and she would never listen to any voice except hers either.

Also, a very important and somewhat empowering discovery that I have had from there is that the voice really is different than a voice I had many years (a good couple decades) ago that was of me and was telling me to kill myself. At that time, I was unfortunately listening to that voice but fortunately found my fist T in time. What I have realized is that at that dark time, I was investing a great deal of time and energy into figuring out how to kill myself. BUT now, I am spending a great deal of time and energy concentrating on how to NOT kill myself.  This is a painful, scary, time- and energy-draining time but I am at least holding on to the idea that I am at least looking in the right direction this time.

Right now, I am just (well more than 'just') holding on to my Self as tightly as I can, and with whatever energy I can dredge up after that I am doing my best,  adamantly and stubbornly, to take steps to move in the right direction, even if it is the tiniest step such as ensuring that I brush my teeth in the morning, I am taking that step.

I refuse to let this horrible voice win. Right now, I am unsure quite what to do about it, except hold on and take tiny steps forward. But, if I do nothing else I will hold on and take steps because I cannot and will not allow it to beat me. I appreciate all of your support in helping me to hold on and take those steps. 

[sanmagic7]

we're taking those steps with you in spirit so that you can know that you're not fighting that voice on your own       call on us any time that voice gets too loud, and we'll help you shout it down.  pooh to you, voice!!!  you're not wanted here.!!!

[Andyman73]

Yeah, 💩 on you voice!!!

[CepheidVox]

I have this voice too! It talks to me constantly when I'm working or otherwise in public. Points out ways to hurt or kill myself and why I deserve it. Tells me what other people think of me (inaccurate stuff, of course). My voice comes from a fragmented aspect of my self from before an actual attempt at suicide when I was a teen.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can really really relate I like vanilla
Thank u for sharing, it helps me to not feel so alone..
The voice I have when I'm unwell is deafening ... I can't cope with it and it is as loud as being on a really loud speaker. Dominating, threatening, abusive and immobilising ..
I've just started trauma therapy and my t said it is my m voice that I have internalised ... yes she lives in my head ..
I take an anti dep 20mg and it pretty much stops it .. I'm so grateful
I hope you are ok and getting the help u need ... we are on the right path and the healing is coming

[I like vanilla]

CepheidVox and Boatsetsailrose - 

I think I am going to join the 💩  On That Voice Club started by sanmagic7 and Andyman73, with thanks to both for helping me have a good chuckle even in this situation. Actually, I have been using it already on my commutes. That Voice whispers to me on the train platform and I think '💩  on you!!'. That strategy has been helping tremendously - THANK YOU! 

[Andyman73]

CepheidVox and Boatsetsailrose - 

I think I am going to join the 💩  On That Voice Club started by sanmagic7 and Andyman73, with thanks to both for helping me have a good chuckle even in this situation. Actually, I have been using it already on my commutes. That Voice whispers to me on the train platform and I think '💩  on you!!'. That strategy has been helping tremendously - THANK YOU! 

I am so so happy for you!!! Yay!!!!