How do you stop punishing yourself for not meeting high standards?

[Manda]

Hello Everyone,

Sorry if I happen to put this Topic in the wrong spot. I've never posted here before at all. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD (childhood) with repeat trauma in adulthood. I am in therapy and doing well.

I am a high achiever and can't seem to stop punishing myself (mentally) when I fail to meet my expectations for myself. Logically I know they are unrealistic for anyone - but emotionally I can't seem to stop falling into the cycle of self blame. I also have a hard time recognizing any good, positive things I do that other people may have a sincere since of pride in - I think this normally enhances self esteem.

What has worked for others trying to break the cycle of perfectionism & punishment? How do you learn to tell yourself you are valuable?
Any thoughts would be appreciated! Thank you!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there, Manda. Welcome to the forum!
I really know how you feel there, I'm a huge perfectionist and high achiever myself. I broke down when I got my final school grades back and realized I got a B+ in one of my classes! lol
"It's not good enough!" I always seem to be telling myself.
I wish I knew how to manage these things myself, unfortunately I don't. I just wanted to let you know you're really not alone on this one.

[Candid]

Good to see you here, Manda! 

Definitely not the person to offer any wisdom about perfectionism and self-flagellation, but others may be able to enlighten the three of us!

[Manda]

Hello Candid and Aphotic,

Thank you for letting me know others struggle with this too. It really helps to know that...
I'll do some research and see what I can find....I'm a fixer who is getting certified to be a mental health counselor.
If I find any good stuff I'll post back or start a new one down the line...

Best Wishes,
Manda

[sanmagic7]

hey, manda, and welcome.  very glad you're here.

i was raised with unrealistic/perfectionist expectations, and have struggled with being 'ok' most all my life - still do at times, but it's much less.   one of the things i did that helped me was giving voice to my little me and talking to my dad (he's dead, so i did this on my own).  he's the one who expected the impossible, i.e., perfection, from me.

i think it was very helpful, too, to pinpoint where those expectations came from so i could have a specific conversation with him.   i knew they weren't my own, but were laid on me by someone else.  babies don't have those kinds of expectations for themselves - our okay-ness gets buried by the messages of those bigger and louder than our own original voices/thoughts that know we're just fine the way we are, faults, mistakes, and everything else that's not perfect.

that conversation with my dad felt very powerful for me.  it felt like i could finally stand up to him and tell him he was wrong for expecting the impossible from me, especially at such a young age when i saw him as 'god'.   i must've gone to a place of being 3 or 4 when i 'talked' to him.   it helped a lot.

what else has helped a lot has been being 'imperfect' on this forum and still being loved and accepted anyway.  taking the risks of being vulnerable and honest about me, my thoughts, my lack of feelings, whatever! and these people still have rallied around me and let me know that i'm still ok in their eyes, that they don't have those same expectations of me.  it's really helped whittle away a lot of those perfectionistic voices i've suffered under.

it's been scary to do this stuff, i won't lie, and at times it's been very difficult, but something told me that i needed to do it for my own well-being and peace of mind.   i wish you the best with this, all of you for that matter.  you are so worth being human instead of berating yourself for being so.  sending love and acceptance no matter what.   big hug.

[Three Roses]

Feeling very tired today, but I wanted to briefly mention I think that's my inner critic who berates me and never is satisfied with anything I do. These days I've just given up trying, I'm tired of wasting my time and exhausting myself chasing pointless, unattainable goals. For me this is a move in a healthy direction, I think.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like it to me, 3 roses.  i'm really glad for you.  it is pointless, for sure, as well as exhausting and time-consuming.

[Candid]

what else has helped a lot has been being 'imperfect' on this forum and still being loved and accepted anyway.  taking the risks of being vulnerable and honest about me, my thoughts, my lack of feelings, whatever! and these people still have rallied around me and let me know that i'm still ok in their eyes

[Manda]

Thank you all for sharing your advice, your own experiences, and how your thoughts on this! I know it will be a long road to unwind the perfectionistic inner critic that has hijacked my thoughts and actions. I appreciate all your responses, it really helps to know that others struggle too. Thank you. 

[Candid]

Manda, I've been off my head recently (chronic insomnia turned acute a couple of weeks ago) and as a former editor I'm seeing mistooks all over the place in my own posts.  It's been an interesting experience, resisting the impulse to go back and modify. 

I was extremely tough on myself in those years -- and I have to say looking for what's wrong was the perfect career for me at the time.  I'm finally doing the major turnaround to looking for what's right.  About everything. Most of all, myself.

I had my every word and action criticised, condemned, and interpreted in the worst possible light, by my FOO. Their interpretations were the killer; they presumed to know my motives, ie. my thoughts.  Chief (and covert) abuser must have actually known my intentions, because she amused herself reading my journals while I was at school.  What a jolly time she must have had -- inspiring the rest of FOO and extended family to see me and treat me as the incarnation of evil, and reading each day how I was bleeding about it -- knowing I could never speak out or

So, on the job I lived in fear of another team member finding a misplaced comma in anything I'd done.  There were good and relationship-building ways of debating the issue with me, and there were people who delighted in making public announcements when head-down-haven't got-time-to-talk Candid got it wrong.

Now, on a good day, I can see my faults without reaching for the arsenic.  There's so much more to me than that.

[Elphanigh]

Manda, I too really struggle with perfectionism and high achiever syndrome.

There is a book, I read in HS actually that at least gave me perspective on it. Called "The Overachievers" by Alexander Robbins.  It may not be helpful for where you are but at the time it truly helped me at the time

[ah]

Hi Manda,

I can relate, and it's a challenge... because we're human so we don't always perform like a perfect machine. Wanting to be one is unrealistic, but I constantly catch myself wanting to be one none the less

I grew up having to perform non stop, never allowed to be a kid, and it took its toll. I wasn't allowed friends (so when I was too young to lie and hide my friends I made up elaborate imaginary friends), toys, candy, private possessions, games, fun, joy, none of these words mean anything to me. I learned to perform to specs, and obviously I was never good enough. So I grew up knowing how to always feel I had to do something, and expect to fail no matter what. Now as an adult whenever I just sit for a minute with nothing to do, I feel so guilty! Which works very badly because I'm physically disabled, so I sit a lot. Oh and heaven forbid if I work hard on something and it ends up just okay, I feel dreadful. Then I'm convinced I don't deserve to exist.

I haven't been able to break the cycle yet. I'm new to learning about c-ptsd but I think it depends a great deal on your circumstances. Like you, I was traumatized in childhood and also adulthood. It keeps going now, most of my abusers never stopped. It's a heavy burden, I see no way to build much self esteem this way, I just fend off pain. But if you're in a safe environment now, I think if I were you I might work on learning about c-ptsd and let self esteem build quietly in the background. I'd reconnect daily with my values and do things I'd think would be really worthy if others did them, and I'd maybe let that quietly simmer too.