My Own Expression

[AphoticAtramentous]

I wanted to share this, just get people's thoughts and what not. Or just give people something different to read. lol
I make a lot of music and occasionally if I want to express myself, I'll make lyrics to go along with it. I find it really interesting though - How through these songs I'd describe how I was feeling, everything that was going on and looking at it now after however many months/years, it's interesting seeing how much it seems to relate to c-ptsd, and I didn't even know I had it when I made these songs!

I don't have a recording of a sung version unfortunately, just got some fancy piano accompaniment.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzAV8CDkuPvbVDgyQUdMWUJKejA/view?usp=sharing
Anyway, I hope this isn't too long. Hope you guys can relate to it in some way or another, even though a lot of it is kinda specific to my own circumstances and what not. ^^ I'm not the best songwriter, I just do it for fun!

Nightmares

I once told a lie,
told them everything was fine,
to never hear a sigh,
disappointed of what I'd say.   
I tell the truth, they hear me out,
they throw me to a mental drought.   
But then you ask me "What's your problem?",
leave me to my selfless doubt.
Listened to their spite,
told me I would be alright.
Had me answer all their questions,
knew I'd have no suggestions. But,
to feel so back-stabbed, feel so wronged,
deny a thing they so prolonged.
But then they tell me "You'll be glad" and
leave me feeling guilty, sad.

Once again I find myself in,
straining, winding, wading, blinding.
Can't you spare at least my clarity?   
Take away these thoughts for me?
Feeding nightmares, so relentless,
panting, whining, begging, crying.
Can't you leave my sanity? And
take away these memories?
Just my luck I find myself in,
fighting, grasping, pacing, shaking.
Can't you see my struggling?
My paradoxic loneliness?
Quiet times just leave me frightened,   
begging, pleading, loathing, hating.
Can't you come and please distract me?
Keep me from my thoughts forever.

I once went alone,
just to give myself a rest.
In an unfamiliar zone,
lacking any form of certainty.
I fear those clothes, I fear those lines,   
untrusting of deceitful signs.
But then you ask me; "What's your problem?",
leave me to my selfless doubt.
Tired of saying why,
why I'm left so in despise.
Why I look over the distance and count
anything that may arise.
I hate the mask of innocence that,
covers all their insolence.
But then they tell me; "You'll be glad", and
leave me feeling guilty, sad.

Once again I find myself in,
waiting, racing, hiding, looking,
Can't you see my fragileness?
My hobbies just so passionless?
Scared of sleeping, over-weary,
watching, staring, creeping, breathing,
Can't you please stop asking me,
Why I might ask to be set free.
Nightmares shown to real occasions,   
piercing, rocking, stealing, breaking,
Can't you wait for my adjustment,
Understand why I'm so angry.
Quiet times just leave me frightened,
begging, pleading, loathing, hating.
Can't you come and please distract me?
Keep me from my thoughts forever.

I once made a plan,
used my mind, my heart, my soul.
Just to make myself more happy than,
I'd seen myself before the toll.
I wish I knew just how to think,
avoid myself on mental brink.
But then you ask me; "What's your problem?",
leave me to my selfless doubt.
Head so full of crimes,
Things I've felt as if were mine.
A headache lingers all these times,
To tell me I will never shine.
I cling to things that make me laugh,
whilst searching for my other half.
But then you ask me; "Aren't you happy?",
leave me feeling guilty, sad.

[Libby12]

I think that your lyrics are wonderful.  I can hear the pain in your words so that even though the meaning is specific to you, I can certainly relate to a lot of what you are saying,  and to me, that is what makes a good song.  Something that causes people to think and relate the words to their own feelings.

Well done and keep on with your writing.   I think you have a definite gift and anything creative is so helpful in coping with c-ptsd.   For me, it is knitting,  sewing and generally making things for the house. To have an end result you are pleased with is so worthwhile.

All the best.

Libby.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think that your lyrics are wonderful.  I can hear the pain in your words so that even though the meaning is specific to you, I can certainly relate to a lot of what you are saying,  and to me, that is what makes a good song.  Something that causes people to think and relate the words to their own feelings.

Well done and keep on with your writing.   I think you have a definite gift and anything creative is so helpful in coping with c-ptsd.   For me, it is knitting,  sewing and generally making things for the house. To have an end result you are pleased with is so worthwhile.

All the best.

Libby.

Thanks a lot, Libby. I will keep writing.

That is interesting though, curious question, what kind of stuff do you knit/sew? I've done a very little bit of knitting and such myself before, and it was rather relaxing! Though it's quite fiddly work. Requires some patience I think.

[Libby12]

Thanks for your response a.a.

I knit and sew clothes for myself.  I have done tapestry and cross stitch.  My favourite projects are knitted blankets. I have a basic pattern but there are so many colour and design variations that each one is so different.   Creating something is so satisfying and I have found these things really helpful in coping with depression and cptsd symptoms.

All the best to you and thanks for your interest.   It's so nice to feel part of things here, isn't it?

Libby.