being denied

[sanmagic7]

i woke up this morning with the realization of how many times and by how many people i have been denied.  brushed aside.  pretended something we were involved in wasn't real.  too cowardly to admit their feelings. 

i have chosen so many cowards to have relationships with, it's astounding to me.  first love, hubs, tweeners - never willing to stand up and truly say how and what they felt.  they danced around it, like boxers in the ring who are afraid of getting hit.   not enough integrity to take on their responsibility as humans, partners, parents - whatever role they had chosen to be part of.

there were always signs that i could read, that i knew what they meant, yet when confronted with them, i was denied.  sometimes by changing the subject, sometimes with the threat of rage (i could see that one in their eyes), sometimes with anger that i would dare raise the question, and sometimes by their own denial that it was real.  man, i'm tired of that.  this was the last peg needed to fill a hole that i kept trying to fill with rationalizations, excuses, and reason.  nope, calling it what it is now.  cowards, all of them.  i can stand up and say that, finally, and put some pieces of my heart to rest.

what it did to me was put me in the place of always trying to figure it out, always trying to find some way to be seen and heard, to be validated, to be taken seriously, or to just acknowledge that i had a point, even if they didn't want to discuss it at the moment.  one of my 'favorites' was, when i asked how i looked after hours of primping to get it right, i was told 'if i don't like something, i'll let you know.' 

that was from my first love, the first man i was planning to marry.   no wonder i struggled all my life to feel pretty.  (well, it started with my folks, didn't it - i was never complimented for looks, achievements, behaviors, what have you).  he put the nail in the coffin that my folks built around me.   he was too cowardly to acknowledge that his heart was involved, to take a chance and say the words out loud.

i'd never admitted to having self-esteem issues until  recently - i was always well defended against feeling bad about myself.    this denial thing, tho, has definitely fed into them.  it's been a battle to continually keep up the facade that i was ok.  it's a relief to acknowledge that i really never was.  i chose just the right people, the cowards, to keep pounding nails. 

maybe i'm beginning to claw those nails out with this awareness that has been misting around my consciousness.   

[Three Roses]

what it did to me was put me in the place of always trying to figure it out, always trying to find some way to be seen and heard, to be validated, to be taken seriously, or to just acknowledge that i had a point, even if they didn't want to discuss it at the moment. 

Yes! And for me, always trying to see things from the other's perspective, never acknowledging my own hurt, confusion or anger. Bravo, brave San! Thanks for posting this.

[Candid]

Invalidation.  It's the pits.

I invariably chose abusive partners too, san.  The nice guys were dismissed as "shallow".  If someone was hurting me (in any way) he was obviously the one who could "see through me".  And oh, how I craved to be seen and understood!  In my early 20s I actually committed two crimes with or for partners.  Anything to have them pat me on the head and say "good girl". 

Never again, san.  Never again. 

[sanmagic7]

yes, 3 roses, always looking at things from their perspective - definitely a big one.  always trying to understand, and never seeing my own anything.  completely outer/other focused.

i chose guys who began by being nice to me, pinned my hopes on those beginnings, candid.   later, i didn't realize i was being abused.  like the frog boiling to death.   stayed with it until i was somehow pushed out.  never left until i was drowning in that boiling water.

this happened with most of my serious relationships with women as  well, friends and family.  denied.  stayed till the bitter and almost complete end of me.    i also know that craving to be seen and understood.  maybe i was truly the alien/witch/angel - some other-worldly being - that i have been so often called. 

really, i've had people, men and women, seriously ask me if i am any one of those 3 for many, many years.   it makes one wonder after awhile.   who's denying what?

this goes back to my dad denying me my emotions when i was too young to remember what or how it was done.  i can only imagine.  still, denying them, not allowing them ended up in me denying that entire aspect of myself.  it wasn't allowed, so it wouldn't be.  i had no chance, no choice, no grounding in the reality of myself. 

still not very good at recognizing them.   denial has turned my world upside down and made everything about me false.  i can't tell you how fake i feel some days.  maybe it's because i still don't fully know who i am.  i've been denied by so many for so long, i'm a mere wisp on the wind with feet of clay.  they occasionally touch ground.  otherwise i'm still going where the breeze blows me. 

and that blows big time.  i'm so angry about it.  never again is right, candid.   i hate having been denied. 

[Dee]

You have every right to be angry.  When you don't grow up in a healthy home, it's impossible to know what a healthy relationship is.  I chose an abusive partner, not knowing that that wasn't the way marriage was.  I was never appreciated, never complimented, never loved.

I suppose it isn't too late for anyone, ever.  The only problem is now I don't want a relationship at all.

[Andyman73]

San, you are more than pretty enough!!! And smart and kind and caring, too!
I think Aliens 👽 are cool, 👼 Angels are Awesome, and witches...on the fence about that one.

Candid,
This nice guy isn't shallow...no.....just one of them who finishes last, that's all. But I won't get too close. Don't want to trigger you. 🌸

[sanmagic7]

dee, all i can say is never say never.  i never thought, believed, or wanted to leave mexico, yet here i am.   i sure can understand not wanting a relationship after going thru a string of horrible ones, or even a single one.   it really wreaks havoc with our spirit.

andy, that was so sweet, i couldn't even believe you said that, but i do believe you meant it.  it felt really good and brought a smile to my heart.  thanks.  a ton.  by the by, the witch thing comes from the fact that i often sense things, not because of anything dark or ill intent (like curses).

like, last year i was very sick, thought i was dying, and believed i needed to be with my d for christmas because i thought it might be my last one.  i felt a yearning to be back here and i couldn't put my finger on why.  as it turns out, my d has been incapacitated since april, circumstances forced me back here in may, and now i'll be able to be with her when she goes for surgery in a month.  i'm so very thankful for that.   

this is why i love this forum and all of you.  i am not denied here.  instead, i am heard, validated, and reaffirmed.  right now, it's exactly what i need. 

[Andyman73]

SanMagic, Dee,

I sure do side with you both. It's so hard to trust and put your heart back out there after escaping abusive or just crappy relationships.

San,  it's just me being me. Well, there are good witches too.

We all deserve to be seen and heard and believed. 😊💕