How do you communicate a trigger?

[Alarrah]

Something happened today. I was having an anxiety attack, and I started painting to relieve stress. When I was done, I went to show my husband. He looked at it for about a second and said "good. I like it," then went back to work.

This shouldn't have set me off, but every moment of frustration rolled back to me from when I would try to show my parents something I was proud of. I heard them, not him. It made me flip. I have been crying ever sense, and I know it's dumb. I know this isn't his fault, but I feel horrible.

So my question, how should I have handled this? How do I tell him that his response sent me into a spiral. I'm so low right now. He's gone for the night, and I am still freaking out. What should I have done?

[Three Roses]

  No one can tell you what you "should" have done. For me, recovery means recognizing everyone has different needs and abilities, and we are all on a journey but no one has arrived.

It is my responsibility to care for my own emotions, no one else's. When I am hurt, I have to examine the individual instance. Is it a pattern of behavior on someone's part that I need to look at? Do I need to re-evaluate the relationship? Or do I need to look within for the answer; is it bringing into focus some work I need to do on a past experience? Is it a subject for therapy?

It is impossible for others to act in such a way that we would never be hurt by any of their behaviors. Just the other day I was deeply triggered by my husband's actions when he became frustrated with a project he was working on. But, he has the freedom to express his emotions as much as I do!

I truly hope this helps you. Big hugs to you, and thanks for posting! I think this is an important question and I'm looking forward to reading others' responses.

[sigiriuk]

Hi
When you were little, did your parents recognise when you were feeling anxious and insecure? Maybe you wanted your husband to recognise your acute anxiety, rather than your method of coping with it.
Or even better, he would identify that painting is a sign of you being distressed.....
The follow up question is "Are you OK?"
Peace
Slim

[Three Roses]

In re-reading this thread today, i see i missed an important question:

How do I tell him that his response sent me into a spiral. I'm so low right now.

Big hugs to you! and my apologies for missing that.

Slim has a good point, perhaps you wanted your husband to be aware of your anxiety and he missed the cues. Which probably made you feel even worse (i know it would have done that to me).

I guess, in putting myself in your situation, I would make sure my husband wasnt distracted or busy, and ask him if we could sit and talk for a minute. I would either tell him exactly what happened, using the "I feel" approach (use "i feel" statements, example "i was feeling very anxious/i felt alone", try to stay away from using the word "you"  - example "you made it worse/i feel like you are not listening"), OR i would write something down to read to him or have him read. It's important that you feel seen in your relationship, and i'm sure he wants to validate you. Here's a link that i've shared repeatedly, maybe some of the info there will help you explain flashbacks and anxiety attacks to him. https://www.gostrengths.com/what-is-an-amygdala-hijack/

again my apologies for not answering your question. hope to hear from you soon!