I fear my happiness hurts, inconveniences or disgusts others

[Minnow]

I find it really hard to do things in the pursuit of my happiness.  It always seems like it affects others negatively in some way.  If I enforce boundaries, it hurts other people by infringing on their rights to free speech/opinions/whatever.  If I achieve something that I'm proud of, it disgusts people by having them be subjected to my arrogance.  If I want to do something or express a preference for an activity, it inconveniences others by having to do this clearly less important or valuable thing.  My thoughts, feelings, opinions, anxieties were often met with eye rolls and dismissals like "just don't worry about it", "you're being oversensitive/overthinking/overdramatic", making me feel like I was doing a great disservice to my family for speaking my mind.

The list goes on, but you get the rough idea of where this belief crops up in my life.

When my family did things for the sake of my abusive mum's happiness, it was often destructive to the rest of us.  And when she walked out and broke the family when I was 15, she said she was doing it for the sake of her happiness.  Ever since then, and on top of the invalidation I experienced throughout childhood, I have feared I have this dark, selfish side that I must desperately try to contain for the sake of others.  I can only be rendered harmless in complete subservience.  I worry I am secretly a monster, that my happiness is poisonous to others.

I'm feeling a bit stuck here at the moment, and I don't know how to change this way of thinking...or if my greatest fears are true, and I really am a monster.

[dutchierich]

I know what you're going through, Minnow, I do the same thing. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. For me it happens because I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect for other people.

It always seems like it affects others negatively in some way.  If I enforce boundaries, it hurts other people by infringing on their rights to free speech/opinions/whatever.  If I achieve something that I'm proud of, it disgusts people by having them be subjected to my arrogance.  If I want to do something or express a preference for an activity, it inconveniences others by having to do this clearly less important or valuable thing.

I find that I don't talk about myself or my accomplishments because I don't want to feel like I'm bragging or arrogant. But I also find that other people talk about themselves ALL the time haha. So why can't I? I can. I know whether I'm commenting because I want to share things that I like with another person or if I'm actually being a braggart. The people who truly love you will listen and support you... this is something that I'm still learning to acknowledge. I never learned how to speak for myself. As a child I was used for the whims of others. I didn't have a safe place to express myself, so I learned to keep it all in, that if I did fully externalize it would have some kind of negative consequence. As a kid, it usually did end badly. But I'm not a kid anymore, I'm a grownup. I'm safe now. I am the one in charge. This is my daily mantra.

But I find that the less pressure I put on myself to be perfect, the more I'm able to say what I think and feel, and not worry about what others think. They're gonna have an opinion of me and what I do one way or another, so I might as well just be me. If they like me, great! If not, oh well, their loss

[Three Roses]

Those internalized, critical voices do get ingrained in us.

When I have these thoughts, I try to examine them objectively. Sometimes I will even look up a word in the dictionary to see if I really am "x", if I fit the definition.

I think about unrealistic expectations, a big one for me. Really bad at doing that to myself. I also try to think about how my views of others' lives may not be accurate and how they must likely struggle with many of the same challenges that I do. "Comparison is the thief of joy" and all that.

I am just as worthy of happiness and self expression as any other human. When I am hearing/feeling that I'm not, that's most likely my Inner Critic, something to be resisted.

I hope it helps you to know you're not alone. 

[Candid]

I have feared I have this dark, selfish side that I must desperately try to contain for the sake of others.  I can only be rendered harmless in complete subservience.  I worry I am secretly a monster...

Selfish went right along Big Head and difficult where I came from, and I know what enormous damage it does.  Yes, complete subservience, struggling over things-to-make-myself-acceptable Lists, becoming the overworked and kicked-about Victim in so many working situations...  Horrible.

A long-ago CBT therapist suggested keeping a self-esteem diary to look for evidence of my qualities.  Eg.:
DATE             EVENT                                                                          CONCLUSION
10/9/27         Janet invited me to her place for dinner                I am likeable

Hmm, haven't done that for a while...

[AphoticAtramentous]

A long-ago CBT therapist suggested keeping a self-esteem diary to look for evidence of my qualities.  Eg.:
DATE             EVENT                                                                          CONCLUSION
10/9/27         Janet invited me to her place for dinner                I am likeable

Hmm, haven't done that for a while...

That's really interesting, Candid. I might try something like this myself. ^^ Thanks for sharing it.

[Candid]

Glad you liked it, AA.

Forgot to mention, you can start with the CONCLUSION you want evidence of, which is likely to be the opposite of what They taught you about yourself, so it isn't dependent on other people's actions.  Consider: I am smart, I am generous, I am considerate, etc.

Funny thing about this, once you get started you begin to get compliments for these things.  The trick then is to accept praise graciously, not to dismiss it or question is as is common in.... well, me.

My CBT guy said to do at least three entries a day.