Snippets of my Agony

[Chart]

Oh boy do I identify with that... writing something and the thinking... no, not at all... then confusion trying to sort out what brought on the false representation... U find that very unsettling, it's like I don't know myself...

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think I've been in an EF since yesterday, which initially started as a visual+auditory flashback and turned into nightmares later on.

TW Emotional + Physical Abuse / Gaslighting
I had a session with a physical health coach. I've been feeling off and I didn't want her to try and fix it. So I put on a brave face and acted like everything was going well, that I was making progress, that I was doing everything she's been asking of me. And today I learnt that apparently I'm very good at pretending. She commented on how energised I looked, how chipper, curious, and excited I appeared, commented how content I must feel - when in reality I feel distraught, lost, and lonely.

That's when the flashback started, seeing my father's face, him standing in front of me. He had that stern look, and his voice was filled with rage again. He too told me how I felt, said on my behalf how much I hated him, how I think he's the worst person in the world. I did hate him, but more than anything I was just scared, I just wanted to get away. However instead of admitting that, I lied and reassured him that he's not the worst, I told him that I don't hate him. Because if I told him I hated him, he'd hurt me. My lies, lies, lies. So many of my lies. How awful I am for lying. Then even when I couldn't breathe through my wailing and cries, he demanded I hug him, once again me acknowledging the physical beating I'd receive if I didn't hug him. So I hugged him, and he said he loved me. And these fits of rage, these episodes of coercion, they happened every week - over and over and over, and for hours until I had dehydrated myself from my tears alone.
TW End

Suddenly I snapped back to the room with the coach, repeating to myself inside "don't let her see your flashback". I smiled and nodded, despite not having heard anything she said from the past 5 minutes. I noticed everything in the room felt fuzzy and unreal, like I was losing my tether on the physical world. But I forced myself to be present, just a little longer, just until the end of the session. And then after that... well, the entire afternoon after that doesn't exist in my memories apparently.

Now that I write about it here though, I feel like I can actually process it. Only now am I actually letting myself cry about it and grieve. I feel so much pain and agony in my heart, my head, and my stomach. To have been puppeteered into pleasing the people who hurt me... to be a tool for someone else's personal comforts...

I sketched this quickly to vent my feelings, the simultaneous need for help and the need to please.


P.S. I know it's probably not a good idea to lie to the professionals just trying to help you, but I'm teetering on this edge of accepting that I'm going to forever have this overhanging depression. Because even when I've been eating good food, even when I have gone to the gym and exercised, I still feel the same depression in my very soul.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[rainydiary]

Aphotic, I wish that wellness focused people would be less toxic and not expect "positivity" and "smiles."  I understand that mindset is important but creating conditions where people need to deny their reality and human needs is not cool.  I would have flashed back to my dad raging at me too.

I hope that you are able to be gentle with yourself as you process.   

[Armee]

 

You do what you need to do even if it is lying to the professionals trying to help you. You knew what you needed and didn't need in that moment and you gave it to yourself. You can always let her know next time. 

That's a super super cool powerful drawing.

[Desert Flower]

I'm really sorry that happened to you Aphotic and I resonate strongly.
I've been blaming my 'Accomplice'-part for a very long time for going along and pretending to like the abuse, trying to keep it from getting even worse. You really do not need to blame yourself for doing this (in case you're doing that). It's survival. And you survived. You're here because of the way you coped, the only way you could.
And it's very logical to be repeating that pattern we know so well in other situations where we are reminded of it.
It's okay. And you noticed what was going on. Seeing that is a big step too.
And then being able to grieve it later on is HUGE. Very well done. Take lots of care Aphotic. 

[Chart]

Aphotic, I want to second everything everyone wrote in reply. YOU decide now what you need. Taking care of yourself now has to be learned. You've had zero examples of what it means to be healthy and loving to yourself. It's gonna take time. But you know what needs to be done: Put yourself first. And no guilt and no shame. You didn't get what you needed, and now are doing the work basically solo. You can tell people that, or not, as you see fit.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you rainy, I really dislike toxic positivity too.
Thank you Armee, glad you like the sketch.
Thank you Desert Flower, the grieving part was pretty big - I hardly let myself actually be sad over these things these days. Too busy trying to be an adult and live life.
Thanks Chart, I think you're right there. Out of everyone in the world, I think I probably have the best say in what works for me and what doesn't.

Your responses reminded me of something but I'll leave that for my other journal.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[AphoticAtramentous]

(This is just a rant, I don't expect any advice - it's something probably only my therapist can help with anyway)

How do I know who I am and what I want when everyone else decided that for me?
The countless occasions of where I worked against what I truly wanted inside, denying my own autonomy and rights. Feeling threatened and forced to comply with every demand otherwise receiving the punishment I so supposedly deserve. My head feels so fragmented, so split apart. Because... if I said what I wanted, said the wrong thing, or said something that my abusers disproved of...

- F would physically hurt me to make me comply.
- F and M would shame me to make me comply.
- F and M would neglect me to make me comply.
- Ex would guilt trip me and hurt himself to make me comply.

So no matter what I wanted, no matter how much it hurt... it was always "Yes, I will do as you ask."
Any semblance of freewill I wanted I had to stuff down into the very depths of my mind, locked away, never to be satisfied.

But now that I'm safe, those thoughts are unlocked, and suddenly my head feels so crowded. Because every thought I'd stuffed down has come back up, but all at once. And I have no idea how to sort through any of it. I hear so many thoughts that can't be my own, because - as taught by my abusers - I'm not allowed to think or do anything for myself. I was made to serve, made to obey. So what do I with these rogue thoughts in my head, the parts of me that I suppressed to keep myself safe?

Even just trying to figure out how to track my moods is causing me so much distress because I don't know what I'm even thinking or feeling. There's too much in my head... and the only time I feel calm is when I'm asleep and not dreaming.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, aphotic.  serve and protect - altho it's a cop slogan, it applies to many of us.  we learned to do this quite well.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I hear you too and relate.i think you are already doing a really good job noticing all these things. 

Tracking moods is difficult when there is an avalanche of them all at once. I hope your therapist has some good ideas that will help.   

[rainydiary]

Aphotic, I relate to this.  Learning about alexithymia and interoception helped me.  It's really hard to listen and understand ourselves because we have been taught not to from so many levels and sources.

[Chart]

Self trust. I just want to trust myself, no matter what comes up. All the terror that surrounded and impregnated me was incorporated into a functioning that persists to this day. My only objective at the moment is trusting that the sadness and terror is not me. It's just my amygdala... all f-ed-up and rolling ever on. I relate with a lot of what you wrote, Aphotic. Sending love and hugs and good therapy-work energy.

[Papa Coco]

Aphotic,

Your post really speaks to me also. I often call myself CinderFella because I was apparently born to serve others. My parents did the same tricks yours did. I can remember being very, very small, and sitting at the dinner table with my 4 siblings and parents, and somehow, I acted my age, like a child, and that made Mom mad. I can remember with crystal clarity her saying "Nobody look at Jimmy until he behaves." Mom intentionally withdrew her love and attention in order to make me be her servant who wanted nothing for myself.

I am writing to tell you that I resonate with you. I WISH I was writing with some good information to help you with the issue of being overwhelmed and confused, but I'm right there with you in all of it. I am really frustrated these days with my ability to verbalize how I'm feeling, and even why I'm feeling it, but am completely clueless on how to fix it.

Anyway I just wanted to share that I'm in the lifeboat with you. We can be confused and cluttered at the same time.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you, san, it feels good to be heard.
Thank you, Armee, an avalanche of feelings is an apt description.
Thank you, rainy, I'll try to learn of those things myself.
Thank you, Chart, self trust is indeed quite the struggle.
Thank you, Papa Coco, I'm sorry you related so deeply, but thank you for sharing your experiences.

--

TW: Insects and Neglect
I had a nightmare last night. There was an assortment of creepy crawlies in my house, wiggling in dirty bowls and somehow surviving whilst submerged in cups of water. But the part that scared me the most was the lice. They clung to my clothing and I couldn't get them off. They lingered until I could eventually wake.

I don't know if I've told this story here before, apologies if I have. But it's very clear to me where this nightmare comes from.

As a child, I spent literal years riddled with lice. The first few times I got it as a child, my M would begrudgingly get the required products from the chemist and wash my hair. But then a few times later, I told her I had lice and she gave me this look, that tone "Again??". It was that look I was so familiar with, disdain, shame, disgust... I slowly crept away as not to anger her further.

But a week went by and she still hadn't helped me. Again, I was a child, I didn't have the money or knowledge to help myself. I mustered up the strength to ask M again, but she brushed me off once more. I waited more weeks, and she still didn't help. Eventually I realised... she wasn't going to help me with it anymore, I was on my own. I tried various things, drowning the bugs in whatever products we had available at home, combing my hair over and over... They stayed for months and months, and I never was able to get assistance from my M. At some point, I pretended I didn't even have lice - and I think my M pretended the same. I learned to keep a distance from everyone, didn't want anyone to find out. And M of course would not want to hug someone who has lice. 

I formed a habit of tugging on my hair, constantly checking myself, constantly trying to "clean" myself. Eventually I did get rid of those bugs on my own, but the habits haven't left. I'm a grown adult, and I still check my hair every day out of habit. It took me years just to be able to say or type the word "lice" again because the word fills me with nothing but shame and disgust. For years I thought I always thought it was my fault. But I'm starting to realise now... I was just a child... I wish my M actually cared, wish she didn't feel disgusted in me for something I couldn't control...

I did a quick google search because I realise maybe I have a fear of lice, which I now learned is called: Pediculophobia. But the pictures in the google search results immediately has made me go...      . I feel dizzy. I'm going to go distract myself.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry.