Snippets of my Agony

[AphoticAtramentous]

So I figured I should make a personal thread for all the crap I want to spill out about my childhood. It's supposedly therapeutic to share. And it's probably good for me to figure out what my triggers are cause I'm still trying to piece those together. I'll just write whatever's been on my mind the most I suppose. I read somewhere that when you ask someone with CPTSD to talk about their past, most of the time they don't tell a life story, they simply tell you snippets and pieces of which you need to shape together yourself. I find that very true. People might ask me "what happened in your childhood" and I could start right in the middle of it all, I just seem to talk about whatever is closest to the surface of my memories, then work downwards from there till it's too dark to find anymore pieces.



I still live with my FOO and it can be so... frustrating, after so much that has happened. I'll admit, they're way better than they were before. Things have been calmer ever since my parents have been going to marriage counselling. But I can't erase from my mind the things that I felt, the things they did. My relationship with them is so tense, or at least from my POV it is. Everyone says you should respect your parents, but my unpopular opinion: No, you shouldn't respect them just because they popped out a kid. You should respect them if they can respect you, if they've actually parented you and not just neglected you and prodded you out of your shell for you to defend yourself. My parents have always been so... strange in their parenting. Apathetic about the most important things, and overly controlling over the unimportant things.

When it came to food, I was given what I was given - which wasn't a lot. I could ask for more but they simply wouldn't give it, so I'm a lot... smaller in size than other people, 45kg's to be precise. That makes me anorexic, not the disorder but the physical status. But then strangely my parents would wonder and ask me why I don't eat a lot, pressuring me to eat more. I can eat cookies for dinner and I'll be full. I guess it saves money, lol.
There was high expectations for school, so much so I wasn't allowed any sort of relationship because "It'll be too distracting". But also my parents are kind of neurotic and they didn't want me getting pregnant. >.>
And not to forget all those Sundays I was dragged to Church for something that bored me to death, surrounded by people who couldn't seem to grasp the simple concept of 'personal space'. I always felt so alien, at school and in Church, I've always been the quiet kid, always. I had only a few friends in primary school, most days though I'd just... walk around the school by myself. It would get lonely.
That's all just the icing of the cake though, really. The real * was at home.

Trigger Warning Start

It was my dad, the way he got so mad, blew up in rage, despised the smallest of things I did.
Perhaps he wanted something, so I go fetch it and bring it to him, accidentally drop it on the way - he'd immediately growl at me, use that whiny voice I loathe so freaking much. "Come on, hurry up, why are you so slow!?"
Or maybe I forgot to bring some homework back home, I'd be yelled at, explained how important it is to simply 'do your homework' like I was some kind of idiot who didn't understand common sense. "Do your homework or you won't get good grades".
At the worst of times, I would do something that irritated him so much he'd stand me in the hallway for an hour, yelling and screaming at me till I cried, crying so hard I could barely breathe. Then I'd be slapped, multiple times if he thought I needed it. And to top it all off, he'd send me to my room for the rest of the night and take away whatever entertainment I had available - usually my laptop. I didn't have a phone, wasn't allowed one until grade 10 because $%^&#! if I know. But those moments was when I would dissociate. I did it so often, I honestly can't remember what I was told off for. So of course, that means I'd make the same mistakes, and it repeated.
"Why won't you listen to me, why won't you just do what I ask of you?" Aaand dissociate. It was a self-feeding cycle that crippled me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was just my natural response, I was barely aware I was doing it. I just... went off in my own head, blocking anything and everything out.

Essentially it all turned me into a terrible child, I will confess. I lied to get out of punishment, I never told my parents anything about what went on at school or online. I was taught that if I made a mistake, I would be punished, so I turned into a perfectionist that cried over the smallest of mishaps. Whatever my dad wanted me to do, I would have to do it as quick as possible, if not, I would be told off. So I was taught to be quick in everything I do, but also not make mistakes. It was an extremely hard expectation to live up to, it's no wonder I hid so much from them.
Break a glass plate? Quick - clean it up and hope nobody noticed the smashing sound.
That's another thing, my dad would usually take his anger out on objects as well. Broken plates, cups, anything that was close by he would pick it up and throw it as hard as he possibly could against the floor. It terrified me, I could only imagine how it would feel against my skin, I was terrified one day that's what he'd do - throw a glass object at me. Thankfully that never happened. One day my parents took us all for a hiking trip. Sounds like a nice idea, huh? Well I took my DS with me to play on during the ride, and I was going to bring it with me on the hike to play on when we had our breaks from walking. Well my dad found out and he was furious, I remember so vividly how close he was to smashing it against the road, he made gestures he was going to do it, I don't know why he didn't. But that made it pretty clear to me I would need to protect my personal belongings from then now, so now not only was I hiding myself and what I did, but I was hiding my possessions from them. I hid everything... just so I wouldn't hear their abuse.

Trigger Warning End

A while back we got a dog, a German Shepherd. He was an adorable puppy, but I still don't understand why my family thought it was a good idea to get a dog. Both parents worked, me and my sister went to school, nobody could look after it. I didn't support their decision to get a dog, I knew our circumstances wouldn't be healthy for it and I was right. The lack of training... and I think all those nights of my dad yelling and throwing things, my dog became very aggressive. Anyone he didn't know he would essentially just try and bite. He didn't even know how to sit on command. My dad TRIED to train him, hit and kick my dog if he didn't sit when he should have. It's no wonder he turned out the way he did. They put him down because my parents couldn't handle him. I feel guilty in a way, I know none of it was my fault, but every now and then I think back to what life that dog could have had if we hadn't of bought it. To think of how he could have been, how he would just be alive today if it wasn't for us.

Anyway, I think that's enough typing for now. I guess, tell me if you relate to any of this, or if something I wrote reminds you of something, feel free to type that. I'm interested.

[Three Roses]

Oh my dear AA. This sounds so much like my own household growing up. We should have been treasured, pampered, hugged and told we were wonderful just as we were. Their faces should have lit up when we appeared, arms should have spread wide and laughter echoed!

We can give that to ourselves now. Sad that we didn't get it, yes, so let's give it to ourselves. The compassion, joy, and freedom that we lacked. The peace, and happiness.

I'm going to move this into Recovery Journals. There, the rules are a little more relaxed and you have a little more freedom to express yourself (still with TWs tho). Other rules like swearing still apply, but you can delve a little more into subjects without worrying if you're bringing up a touchy subject, bcuz all the recovery journals have touchy subjects.

Big hugs to you, you're a gem and I value your presence here in our community.

[Blueberry]

Aphotic,

This is off-topic, but it just occured to me that Atramentous sounds a bit like tremendous. 

I haven't read the TW part of your post, I'm sorry, I don't feel up to it. What you write either side of the TW sounds bad enough. Really. They half-starved you and then expected top achievement. I don't have words. 

I may be wrong, but I thought you posted somewhere that your M is a teacher? If that's the case, there's not even the faintest excuse like "we didn't know" / "we couldn't afford food" / "we didn't know where we could get financial help / where the food bank is".   

[AphoticAtramentous]

@Three Roses: Thank you so much. ^^ I would love to be able to just... have a family where I can really express myself, not be afraid to say the things I want to say. Though I guess I'll have to make my own for that. lol
I'm angry that this has all happened, that I just so happened to be born into this particular family. But also I know I can't change what's happened so I should just do my best to get the treatment and recovery I need to get over all this.

Also I was afraid of putting it in the Recovery Journals section because I already have a thread in there -> http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7315.0
Though that thread is more of what will be actual 'recovery' and talking about my therapist. I put this "Snippets of my Agony" thread in the 'Causes' section because I wanted to just use it for simply talking about stuff that's happened, not really asking for advice or anything, just putting it out there kind of thing. But if you're okay with me having two recovery journals, that's cool. ^^ I'm just worried I'm taking up too much space on the forum haha. Or if you want I can just combine it all into one recovery journal.
lol Sorry, look at me, still trying to keep peace and $%^&*#!, the CPTSD habits are so real... >.>

Thanks for reading though, and the reply. You're a gem too. 

@Blueberry:
Haha, it does sound a bit like 'Tremendous' though. Apathetic Aphotic Tremendous Atramentous the First, that can be my royal full name of the forum, haha.
No worries about not reading that stuff though, that's what the TW warning is there for!

But no, your memory is good. Heh, she is a teacher. It's not that she was using those types of excuses though, we had money and what not but basically as far as food went it was; "This is the food you have for the week. If you eat it all, tough luck."
But I'd be so hungry, I'd end up eating most of it in just a few days and she would refuse to buy more food so I'd just end up starving for the rest of the week. :\ And begging off friends. I was the seagull kid at school, lol.  I think she was just trying to teach me self control or some form of 'budgeting' where you see what you have and ration things out appropriately. But it didn't really work... the only way to get rid of hunger is to eat! You can't just tell yourself to stop being hungry and wait a day lol.
At least things got so much easier when I started work. I had my own money finally. I saved up a grand total of $0 over my two years of work lol, all of my money went towards food and making sure my weight didn't plummet anymore than it had. I ended up becoming the regular customer of a shop near the school, lol.

Thanks for reading and for the reply!

[Candid]

she is a teacher. It's not that she was using those types of excuses though, we had money and what not but basically as far as food went it was; "This is the food you have for the week. If you eat it all, tough luck."
But I'd be so hungry, I'd end up eating most of it in just a few days and she would refuse to buy more food so I'd just end up starving for the rest of the week. :\ And begging off friends.

I am horrified.  Words fail, they really do.

AA Tremendous the first.  I'm cheering for you to get away from Them and into your rightful (and well-stocked) palace, Your Royal Highness.

[Blueberry]

she is a teacher. It's not that she was using those types of excuses though, we had money and what not but basically as far as food went it was; "This is the food you have for the week. If you eat it all, tough luck."
But I'd be so hungry, I'd end up eating most of it in just a few days and she would refuse to buy more food so I'd just end up starving for the rest of the week. :\ And begging off friends.

I am horrified.  Words fail, they really do.

Tremendous Aphotic. You are a fighter, you know, in the positive sense of the word. But still it's no excuse for anybody far less your parents to starve you. That's what went on in concentration camps, for crying out loud!

[AphoticAtramentous]

AA Tremendous the first.  I'm cheering for you to get away from Them and into your rightful (and well-stocked) palace, Your Royal Highness.

Haha, oh dear, what have I started?
Thank you for the sympathy as always, Candid.

Tremendous Aphotic. You are a fighter, you know, in the positive sense of the word. But still it's no excuse for anybody far less your parents to starve you. That's what went on in concentration camps, for crying out loud!

It was a bit hard... but I'm glad it's not something I struggle with anymore. In fact I'm going out real soon to go grocery shopping. lol
Thank you though!
Now I'm just trying my best to eat what I can and gain a bit of weight. I'd gotten so used to missing out on meals, I still lack the appetite to eat breakfast but at least I can eat lunch and dinner no problem now!

[justdontknow]

Your dad's behaviour sounds so frightening. I'm not surprised you dissociated.

That is so bizarre that your mum denied you food. I don't understand that at all and it sounds horrible. My Mum used to not let me have seconds I think if i was still hungry and would be really strict about unhealthy foods so i used to love going over friend's houses to eat chips or sweets or potato waffles. Sometimes she let us have pizza but it would be a tiny fraction of one, less than a portion for dinner. If I tried to suggest it was less than normal portion size she would shout at me and tell me not to be greedy. My mum just really didn't want me to get fat i think. In my teens I was slightly underweight but had poor self image and thought i was fat as my body changed when i went through puberty and asked my mum if i'd bit on weight and she pointed out the areas where I had. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch after that for a while and exercised like mad. She didn't notice. I lost half a stone.

[Liminality]

Your dad's behaviour sounds so frightening. I'm not surprised you dissociated.

What justdontknow says. I'm really sorry you went through that. Hopefully you'll be able to find yourself a safe place soon.

An unhealthy obsession with food is also something that occurred in my FOO. Both my parents were health nuts, both of them taking something that in theory should be healthy in all sorts of wrong ways.

Until he was arrested, my father forbade any of us to eat anything containing refined sugar (honey was "safe" though) or salt (food with high salt content like cheese was safe, but adding salt to a meal was forbidden). He was so neurotic about it, my mother told me later that one time when I was 5 the bus driver gave me some peppermint candy and that, after eating it, I asked her in tears if I was going to die.

My mother on the other hand was a lot less strict about our diet. But she's a survivor of neglect and emotional abuse, and she read somewhere in a psycho-pop book or magazine that "anorexic kids stop eating as a way to reject their mother", so she literally forced food on us. She always took pride in the fact that my two brothers were huge eaters, probably because it sort of confirmed to her mind that she wasn't a bad mother. As for me, I'm a Freeze/Fawn type -- so whenever I got to lose a bit of weight from exercise, she went all sad and worried, asking if I was anorexic, and I started eating like mad just to prove that I still loved her. As a result I was always just on that side of pudgy at best (and massively overweight at worst).

[hopeful10]

Aphotic,

Your parents denying you food is so, so wrong. I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I'm really inspired that you got a job to be able to buy food for yourself. It took a lot of guts and initiative to do that to feed yourself when your parents were treating you so horribly about being hungry. Don't give up!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Your dad's behaviour sounds so frightening. I'm not surprised you dissociated.

That is so bizarre that your mum denied you food. I don't understand that at all and it sounds horrible. My Mum used to not let me have seconds I think if i was still hungry and would be really strict about unhealthy foods so i used to love going over friend's houses to eat chips or sweets or potato waffles. Sometimes she let us have pizza but it would be a tiny fraction of one, less than a portion for dinner. If I tried to suggest it was less than normal portion size she would shout at me and tell me not to be greedy. My mum just really didn't want me to get fat i think. In my teens I was slightly underweight but had poor self image and thought i was fat as my body changed when i went through puberty and asked my mum if i'd bit on weight and she pointed out the areas where I had. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch after that for a while and exercised like mad. She didn't notice. I lost half a stone.

Aw, dear, I'm sorry to hear about that. Eating disorders really aren't fun, it's terrible that you've gone through that. I hope things are better for you now-a-days in terms of weight and what not.

An unhealthy obsession with food is also something that occurred in my FOO. Both my parents were health nuts, both of them taking something that in theory should be healthy in all sorts of wrong ways.

Until he was arrested, my father forbade any of us to eat anything containing refined sugar (honey was "safe" though) or salt (food with high salt content like cheese was safe, but adding salt to a meal was forbidden). He was so neurotic about it, my mother told me later that one time when I was 5 the bus driver gave me some peppermint candy and that, after eating it, I asked her in tears if I was going to die.

My mother on the other hand was a lot less strict about our diet. But she's a survivor of neglect and emotional abuse, and she read somewhere in a psycho-pop book or magazine that "anorexic kids stop eating as a way to reject their mother", so she literally forced food on us. She always took pride in the fact that my two brothers were huge eaters, probably because it sort of confirmed to her mind that she wasn't a bad mother. As for me, I'm a Freeze/Fawn type -- so whenever I got to lose a bit of weight from exercise, she went all sad and worried, asking if I was anorexic, and I started eating like mad just to prove that I still loved her. As a result I was always just on that side of pudgy at best (and massively overweight at worst).

I'm sorry to hear that, Liminality. :\ Over-feeding is still as bad as under-feeding in my opinion.

Aphotic,

Your parents denying you food is so, so wrong. I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I'm really inspired that you got a job to be able to buy food for yourself. It took a lot of guts and initiative to do that to feed yourself when your parents were treating you so horribly about being hungry. Don't give up!

Thanks hopeful10. ^-^ I was just doing what I thought needed to be done for my own sake. If my parents didn't look after me, well the only one who could was myself!



Every night when I go to bed, when everything is quiet, I'm forced to listen to my own thoughts, remember all the $%^&*# that has happened over the years. If I can, I try to think of other things, a completely different universe with completely different people. Sometimes I'm successful in distracting myself, other times not so much but I'm making an effort of writing all my memories down, just processing them into something I can read and understand without the influence of my mind.

Lately I seem to be focusing a bit on the relationship with my ex, a long distance relationship - didn't meet IRL for a while because he lived in another country. He wasn't narcissistic, no BPD, I honestly just think he was a sociopath. I use this example all the time to describe him but it accurately sums him up in a nutshell - he's the type of person that sits in a children's hospital with his phone ringing, his ringtone of literally just curse words, slurs, death threats, insults playing and he thinks it's completely okay to let it ring and let everyone hear. Yes that happened, and I told him that's not okay but he didn't care.
It was all a big mistake. I think... I THOUGHT I loved him. I was with him for three years but I don't know, either the feelings died or I never truly loved him at all because I completely got over the relationship a week after it ended which is amazingly unusual.

He had Pseudo Intestinal Obstruction, a disease where your mind thinks your intestines are blocked when they're not, thus you can't properly eat/digest things. When I was younger my naive mind thought; "Hurt people are usually the nicest because they've been through a lot" but I learnt later on that's not the case at all. Even if he did have that condition, suffered and battled throughout his lifetime, didn't change the fact he was still abusive and messed up. And it was an extremely tiring and stressful experience for me. He'd be in the hospital for surgery once per month.

[Trigger Warning - Death/Health]
We planned to meet each other, me flying over to see him, bought the tickets and all. A few months prior to going, he called me one day during class, said he was going to have a transplant. I just asked one thing, that he or his parents would let me know what happens. The transplant was one of the more risky ones so there was the chance of him well, dying. A day passed with no word, but I thought "It's too soon to make a judgement call on how he's going, he's probably okay". Then another day passed, and another. I can't describe how crippling it was, but I spent a week without any contact with him. He was also my only close friend at the time so I had no-one to talk to. Every day that passed I became more and more hopeless. I surely thought that; "It's easier to tell me "He's okay" than it it so say; "He's dead", so if they haven't said anything by now that means..." I actually convinced myself he was dead, I thought it was necessary to be able to stop the pain of not knowing what was going on. Well a week later I get a SINGLE text from his father; "He's fine." I was honestly furious. That was all they could say? No real status, no talk about his recovery just 'he's fine'. I guess I should be grateful but I wasn't. I was so furious I couldn't even feel grateful. How dare they leave me in the dark, act like I'm nothing, like I don't deserve the peace of mind. How dare they let me suffer with the thought of his death for all those sleepless nights. Later on my partner woke up, called me, couldn't say much, he was heavily drugged up. I spent two weeks after that with VERY limited contact. We were used to literally 7 hour long chats per day and now I was lucky if I could speak to him for 10 minutes.
[Trigger Warning End]

[Trigger Warning - Sex/'Rape']
Things slowly got better and we were back to our usual schedule. Though things were... different... I don't think it was him that changed, I think I myself changed. I guess I just lost a bit of respect towards him and his family for what they pulled. The booked flights were nearing and I remember clearly one day telling him something important. I told him; "I need to say this now, I know you were looking forward to having sex when we were together, but I've got too much on my mind lately and I can't do that. I'm not ready. I'm sorry."
He threw a tantrum, started saying how I always change my mind, how I was being so unfair to him for being with him for so long and denying him sex. He wouldn't let up about it. I tried to tell him over and over I didn't want sex but he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Eventually to stop his whining I said "Fine, we can do it" and immediately he stopped his complaining. I feel so horrid for giving in to that.

I travelled to his country, and things only deteriorated even more. There was no love left for him, I could tell that clearly then. I reminded him about my lack of desire for sex but he shrugged it off. We did have sex, numerous times. Most times he would watch me do everything to him, and he would lie there like a freaking corpse. Other times he was forceful, wouldn't let up. One time without my permission he did it all without a condom and I was worried sick for weeks I was pregnant. It was all so painful at times but I kept at it, I had to please him otherwise he would complain and say all sorts of stuff about me.
[Trigger Warning End]

[Trigger Warning - Marriage/Suicide]
Things were 'okay' for a while, if you could call it that. But his family kept talking about him and I getting married, and my mother was adamant about me having grandchildren for her. I remember clearly, at the strike of midnight on New Year's day, I turned around to see my abuser kneeling down with a ring in his hand as he proposed to me. The restaurant was crowded, everyone watched in anticipation including his family and my mother. How could I say no? How could I humiliate him in front of everyone? Disappoint everyone? I said yes and we were engaged. This made things more stressful but I reassured myself I could get out of this mess. A week later I suddenly get asked; "Do you want to marry him now?" I couldn't believe it. They wanted me to get married in the same week of being engaged. I was 16 years old. I was so scared of saying no. All my life I felt like I was some disappointment, to my parents, to my partner, I've always sacrificed my happiness to keep them happy. The last bit of my happiness was screaming 'no' but fear of failure screamed 'yes'. That time was the closest I'd gotten to killing myself. It helped my partner had so much medical equipment lying around. I remember holding that needle so close to my arm, so prepared to overdose myself. I don't know what stopped me.
Somehow by a miracle, I don't know the exact details, can't remember, but I said I didn't want to get married so soon. I said 'not yet' so I wouldn't completely disappoint them. But in my heart, I was certain of something, I was going to break it up, the relationship, every contact with him, get myself out of that * and 'arranged' marriage.
[Trigger Warning - End]

I got back to my home country and a week after I said I was breaking up with him. He refused but the bonuses of long distance relationship is that it didn't matter if he refused or not, I said it was over, then blocked him. I got messages later from his friends telling me how horrible I was, how much of a $%^&# I was, how I should go kill myself and drink bleach. My parents hated how I broke it up, were disappointed in me like usual, annoyed with me and said; "How could you do that".

I guess I've just been trying to convince myself that what happened sexually was indeed rape. For a while I denied it because I 'consented' but I realize now it was rather... forced. Honestly I don't think it affected me as much as the engagement and transplant ordeal went. And it might be cheesy but by now every cell in my body has been replaced, there's no trace of him left on my body. I'm free from that nightmare, and I'm never letting it happen again.
Sorry for the long post, just had to get it off my chest I think.

Too long, didn't read; Thought my partner died, was raped, arrange marriage, broke up with him and got charming death threats.

[hopeful10]

Aphotic,

Reading about your relationship with this terrible person brought back so many memories for me. I'm really sorry that this happened to you. You deserve so much better.

Trigger Warning - Rape
My experience with being raped is stunningly similar to yours. I initially said yes over text, then changed my mind in person, but he (my boyfriend at the time) then guilted/forced me into it, and I just laid there dissociating while he did it. It has caused me a lot more pain than I initially thought it had. For the longest time I thought it wasn't rape because like you, I 'consented'. In hindsight, I didn't say no, but I also don't remember saying yes, and even if he took my silence when he went for it as meaning he could do it, he was wrong to do so. And even if it was just a miscommunication, he should have known by the way I just laid there. How was that enjoyable for him, to force sex with a limp unresponsive person, I really can't imagine it. And now that I know about how consent is nonverbal too, I know that it was rape.
Anyway. After that I had sex with him a bunch more times because I felt like at that point, who cares, before finally getting in touch with myself enough to realize how disgusted I was with him.
I'm really sorry that happened to you too.
Having the strength to walk away from his marriage proposal and defying your family is very inspiring. It was very brave. And I also like the idea that your cells are completely different now and every trace of him is gone.

I hope you get to have the safe and supportive relationship you deserve!     

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh, I hope the memories that you thought of weren't too uncomfortable to remember. :S

But that is interesting, how similar our experiences are. Feels like I'm a little less alone in that regards.

[Trigger Warning - Sex/Rape]
A part of me believes that maybe my abuser/rapist/ex wasn't intending to hurt me... but... surely he must have known. I mean; I said no before, I was very hesitant during the whole thing, and in kind of vague details I didn't get the attention, was simply me pleasing him every single time. Surely he must have known - the whole thing made me so unnerved and uncomfortable, unpleasant to think about. I don't think he was really intending to hurt me, more like... really freaking oblivious to even realise what he was doing. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm so angry, at him, at what he did.
Or perhaps he really did want to hurt me, and I'm just so naive I can't tell. :S I don't know. I shouldn't think about it too much, I'll give myself a headache. Haha

Thank you very much though for the kind words and your response. Feels nice to be heard, especially when there's only two other friends of mine who know all this happened.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Wow. I type too much. Alright, I'm going to really try hard to not spew out so much from now on.

I've had random memories pop up lately, reminding me of my ex. When we broke up, all feelings for him had disappeared in a week. He supposedly got Depression from our breakup but I couldn't care less about him. He got himself a new girlfriend within a week anyway so it's not like he's lonely. In fact he's had 7 serious partners in his life and he's 21 or something now. I really should have taken that as a warning sign when we started dating but lol, I was too naive. When I learnt about his new current girlfriend though, I don't know why I did it, I half regret it but I told her in private that, whilst I do wish her well, I warned her that this person she's now with is actual scum, a rapist and a sociopath and that she should be careful. I think she believed I was lying cause her answers were all rather bland and all "okay", "sure", that kind of thing.

There's something that bothers me though, perhaps the realization of how used I really was, how I was some kind of possession... but one he hardly cared about. I'm trying to piece stories and evidence together and I think I was just his trophy. That he wanted me around just to say "I have a girlfriend". That he wanted to marry me just so it'd be a lot harder to leave him if I wanted to. We were together for three years, every day he asked me if we could do this, do that. I was his dog, followed him around, did what he asked and obeyed his commands. He bought me my drawing tablet, and he'd have me draw things for him. He wanted me to draw porn stuff but I wasn't comfortable with it. In the three years of the long distance relationship, I only visited once. I had no money, he got all the money. In fact he got $600 a month for being disabled, and $2000 every birthday. But even on just an average day he could ask his parents for an Xbox and Bam, no questions asked, he'd get one. If he wanted me around, he could have paid for at least 10+ trips. But he only planned one.

But with his current girlfriend (another long distance thing), within the first 3 months of them being together, he flew her to see him 2 times. It's like he actually found love and not just some toy he could screw around with. When we broke up, he asked me to give him back everything he'd gifted me... Drawing tablet, iPad, etc. I didn't do any of that, told him to $&#$@ off, a gift is a gift and you can't take it back. But that's one of the main things that make me believe I was just being used... Since I wasn't serving him anymore, I didn't need any of the tools to aid his desires so of course he'd want them back. The gifts weren't for me... They were for me to serve him. Everything I owned he wanted access of. The account on the laptop I had was a regular user. He had an admin account on that laptop, so he would decide what I could or could not install. Every time I was talking to someone else he'd ask who it is, and if I told him it was another male he got angry. Why haven't I noticed how controlling this was till recently? I was a child I suppose... that's all.

He said he loved me but did he really? I'm starting to doubt it...

[AphoticAtramentous]

I had a session with my T today and I've got a few things I can work on till next session.
I have a plan though, for tonight... I remember that during my trip to see my ex, I talked frequently to my good mate, most likely told him about everything that went on during the trip. And lucky me, my good mate keeps all our chat conversations on record and I asked if he could send me a snippet of our chat log history to read tonight. I don't know if it's a good idea or not... I'm hoping it'll refresh my memory and I'll be able to find some kind of lost parts of me. But... reading the chat logs will either 1. Trigger me into an EF and if that happens, fine. Or 2. Won't have any effect on me and just seem like I'm reading someone else's thoughts due to the dissociation I experienced during the trip. Won't know till I try and read.

But my mate is being super supportive and he doesn't want me to read it until we're on a Skype call. He seems to be able to notice when I'm slipping into a hard EF and I'm sure he'll help snap me out of it if I'm falling into something I shouldn't be.
I'm both scared and curious... but more curious than scared. I hate not knowing... I dunno if anyone has any tips on how to approach stuff like this, maybe I should do some brief meditation prior. lol Not sure.