Snippets of my Agony

hank · October 16, 2017, 10:37:46 AM

Who is controlling the weather of your life? You can control your weather, sunshone, rain clouds or snowstorm...

Sceal · October 16, 2017, 12:40:29 PM

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 16, 2017, 04:45:25 AM
I had a session with my T today and I've got a few things I can work on till next session.
I have a plan though, for tonight... I remember that during my trip to see my ex, I talked frequently to my good mate, most likely told him about everything that went on during the trip. And lucky me, my good mate keeps all our chat conversations on record and I asked if he could send me a snippet of our chat log history to read tonight. I don't know if it's a good idea or not... I'm hoping it'll refresh my memory and I'll be able to find some kind of lost parts of me. But... reading the chat logs will either 1. Trigger me into an EF and if that happens, fine. Or 2. Won't have any effect on me and just seem like I'm reading someone else's thoughts due to the dissociation I experienced during the trip. Won't know till I try and read.

But my mate is being super supportive and he doesn't want me to read it until we're on a Skype call. He seems to be able to notice when I'm slipping into a hard EF and I'm sure he'll help snap me out of it if I'm falling into something I shouldn't be.
I'm both scared and curious... but more curious than scared. I hate not knowing... I dunno if anyone has any tips on how to approach stuff like this, maybe I should do some brief meditation prior. lol Not sure.

I just read up on your posts, the things you've been through are so awful. It's really horrendous! I am glad you got out of the relationship with your ex, that was not healthy at all. You're brave to break it off the way you did. And I hope you are proud that you stood up for yourself, it takes guts and alot of strength to do that when you're constantly being manipulated. I want to give you a big hug, if that is okay!

It's good to hear that you have a good friend in your life that seems to be taking care of you. I hope that you can find some peace.

AphoticAtramentous · October 16, 2017, 12:44:57 PM

Quote from: hank on October 16, 2017, 10:37:46 AM
Who is controlling the weather of your life? You can control your weather, sunshine, rain clouds or snowstorm...

That is true, Hank. I won't let a dreary raincloud sit above my head.

I want nothing but rays of warm beaming sunlight.

I went and read those chat logs, or at least a portion... I ended up feeling physically sick from some of the stuff I read. Good news, I didn't have an EF, didn't dissociate though a few times I was close to it I sensed...

There were some parts of the trip that were very smooth and easy going... Those I could read and usually remember the events around them... Where I was, the general scenery, my senses at that time. ...But I'm actually quite... Shocked... How much I CAN'T remember, specifically the more traumatic parts I read. I mean, the chat logs are there, so it HAS happened... But I try and remember when, where, why, how, and nothing comes to mind. Did I really dissociate so often and so hard that it feels like it didn't even happen?

REALLY BIG TRIGGER WARNING

This makes me feel really upset. What would I have done without the chat logs? Would I have gone my entire life believing what I went through wasn't all that bad? Because I read through all this and I'm appalled. There's so much more to my ex than I thought. He didn't just rape me, he did it again without a condom. I wanted to sleep in another bed, not be with him but he forced me to sleep with him. Not just that though, that wasn't good enough for him. I had to sleep facing towards him with his forced arms around me. I tried to move but I couldn't. What kind of person does that? What kind of psycho is so possessive that he wants to watch you and make sure you're not doing anything behind his back, EVEN IN BED!? I told him I wanted to sleep somewhere else but he wouldn't let me. He was literally keeping me pinned until I finally collapsed from exhaustion. I awoke later that night, he was asleep and thus his grip was looser. I snuck out... Slept on the couch...

He apparently frequently looked at my phone and my laptop, my private files and chats with others. He DELETED my personal documents. Why!? I had to put a 13 long pin on my phone to stop him from getting into it. I had to hide everything from him. Why don't I remember this!?!?
It's no wonder I wanted to end my life during that trip... I was trapped in so many ways, privacy violated, body violated. And he wanted to marry me... To do all of this to me over and over again. I feel so sick and horrified.
All this happened? I'm so mad, I'm so upset. I wrote constantly "I love him and I wish I didn't". I can't remember... I didn't realize I felt that way. And I haven't even read all the chat logs yet. I've only read a small portion and I'm concerned with what else there might be that I don't know of. I won't read anymore tonight though, there's only so much I can take.

I want to cry long and hard. I feel like mourning. I'm so frustrated I can't remember that stuff but that's what dissociation does to you I guess. I should be thankful I did dissociate. I don't want to remember how I felt whilst I was being raped. I don't want to remember being pinned down, grabbed, pulled.

EDIT:
@Sceal - I am proud of myself. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Somehow.
I'm very thankful I have my good mate though. He's helped me for years. I don't know what I would do without him, which is really cliche but honestly he's the main reason I was able to get out of my abusive relationship. I owe him everything.
Thank you a bunch for the reply. And yes, hugs!

Kizzie · October 16, 2017, 09:55:24 PM

Quote from: hank on October 16, 2017, 10:37:46 AM
Who is controlling the weather of your life? You can control your weather, sunshone, rain clouds or snowstorm...

I don't think it's as simple as this myself, otherwise we wouldn't all be here. Unacknowledged, unprocessed trauma had a LOT of control over me until I acknowledged it and started to work through it. There is sunshine and warmth now only because I have made room for it by seeing the storm and moving out of it slowly but surely. I'm just saying ....

hank · October 16, 2017, 11:00:29 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on October 16, 2017, 09:55:24 PM
Quote from: hank on October 16, 2017, 10:37:46 AM
Who is controlling the weather of your life? You can control your weather, sunshone, rain clouds or snowstorm...

I don't think it's as simple as this myself, otherwise we wouldn't all be here. Unacknowledged, unprocessed trauma had a LOT of control over me until I acknowledged it and started to work through it. There is sunshine and warmth now only because I have made room for it by seeing the storm and moving out of it slowly but surely. I'm just saying ....

I do not disagree, but it provides an orientation to what is before us, knowing it is a work in progress. Let's keep heading towards sunshine. I said one can control that weather, meaning with work. One thing is clear to me, from my own experiences and reading many of the threads here, we are barometers to how others behave with us. We are very sensitive. With some healthy vanity, we can limit how others affect us. Just say to them: "oh! You are so vain."

AphoticAtramentous · November 23, 2017, 12:00:26 PM

I'll do something a little different for this entry. I still have yet to find the strength to talk about a specific event in my life. But I feel like I will need to say it one day to finally feel at peace. But even though I struggle to talk about it, I want to talk about it. I want to spill out my heart but it hurts when I try. So for this I'll try something else. I have a fictional character who I realized has a similar story to my own. Not exactly, not the same place, not the same people. But the feelings and emotions are very much the same. So instead of sharing my story, I'll share his. And everything in bold will directly correlate to how I feel in my own story.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation

"It was almost just a normal day, I've done it many times before. Light a lantern and peer inside, let it sit on my desk and watch the flames. I adored the way it shined, flickered, and danced. Although this time, it was slightly different. Instead of just letting it perform its well-rehearsed routine, lighting the interior of my room, I wanted to make it better. I wanted to make this lantern efficient, I wanted to make it shine brighter. I'd never done something like that before, I thought it would be easy to try - I did the research, I planned it out. I tried to move pieces of the lantern, tried to rearrange its shape. But why? Well it was to be a gift to my parents, my carers. I adored them so much, I thought they'd deserve a present - something specially from me. I wanted to see their happy faces, I wanted to please them. All I wanted, was to make them happy.
I worked so hard, I thought nothing could go wrong. I was almost done, almost there. I was one step close to getting the finished result, the thing I craved the most. But then, I don't know what happened. Something went wrong. The fire inside leapt out of its cage, set the desk alight and soon the curtains. It happened so fast, I didn't know what to do or how to stop it. I didn't have any water with me, why didn't I think of that? How stupid was I! So what could I do? I ran downstairs, finding my mother and clutching onto her dress. I cried; "I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't mean to!" and she asked me what was wrong, what had happened. She was bewildered and confused, begging to understand. Then she saw the smoke, hanging below the ceiling and looming from the floor above. She rushed outside to retrieve her husband and my sister, she urged me to follow. She knew the house was on fire, and there was nothing we could do. It had spread too far, the damage had been done. I watched as they paced around, retrieving their prized belongings and then escaping outside onto the front lawn. I stood in the foyer, I couldn't move. Was this happening, was it real? Or maybe it was all a nightmare. It couldn't be... but I wish it was.
I saw the look on their faces. Not happiness. It was sadness, it was fear. What had I done? All I wanted was to make them happy. That's all I wanted. And I messed up. I messed up so bad. I felt guilt, guilt deep in my heart and I couldn't move. I heard their cries "Please, come out here". But I didn't. I thought, why should I? Why should I save myself when I'd caused them pain? So I stayed inside, even when the roof collapsed over my head and I suffocated. I woke up who knows when, but I still felt pain, emotional agony. I wanted to die, why didn't I die? I'm so sorry for what I've done. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused.
All I wanted was happiness."

Three Roses · November 23, 2017, 06:18:47 PM

Powerful stuff. I'm feeling a little shaky after reading it, I relate to it that strongly!

Hope66 · November 23, 2017, 08:27:17 PM

Hi AphoticAtramentous,
I haven't read what you wrote, as I can see that 3 Roses wrote it made her feel shaky, so I won't read it just now, as I've just calmed myself down - but I did want to say I'm really glad you're back - welcome back.

Hope

AphoticAtramentous · November 25, 2017, 11:16:36 AM

Quote from: Three Roses on November 23, 2017, 06:18:47 PM
Powerful stuff. I'm feeling a little shaky after reading it, I relate to it that strongly!

Hopefully it didn't shake you up too much! ^^" Thanks for reading, Three Roses.

Quote from: Hope66 on November 23, 2017, 08:27:17 PM
Hi AphoticAtramentous,
I haven't read what you wrote, as I can see that 3 Roses wrote it made her feel shaky, so I won't read it just now, as I've just calmed myself down - but I did want to say I'm really glad you're back - welcome back.
Hope

Thank you so much Hope.

It's nice to be back.

DecimalRocket · November 25, 2017, 12:43:15 PM

That's some powerful writing, Aa. I also felt shaky and honestly overwhelmed myself from it. You have some real creative talent there from what I've seen.

Take care.

Three Roses · November 25, 2017, 05:38:33 PM

No, aa, I'm fine. Not "too" much. I'm just glad you've been able to say your truth. Hugs!

AphoticAtramentous · November 26, 2017, 10:07:19 AM

Quote from: DecimalRocket on November 25, 2017, 12:43:15 PM
That's some powerful writing, Aa. I also felt shaky and honestly overwhelmed myself from it. You have some real creative talent there from what I've seen.

Take care.

Thank you kindly, Decimal. Means a lot.

Quote from: Three Roses on November 25, 2017, 05:38:33 PM
No, aa, I'm fine. Not "too" much. I'm just glad you've been able to say your truth. Hugs!

That's good.

AphoticAtramentous · July 05, 2024, 08:00:49 PM

Reviving this journal to keep the darker stuff separate from my other journal.

TW: PTSD Nightmares, Breaking and entering
Had a nightmare... In the nightmare I was in my bed looking at my bedroom window and noticed the sensor light outside had triggered. Sometimes it's just a cat or something but I felt uneasy regardless. Then I noticed the shadow of a man walking by the window. I held my breath, I was going to throw something at the window to scare him off. I suddenly woke up and he was standing right over me by my bedside. But it was just the shadowy outline of my window curtain. Scared the absolute * out of me... And my chronic pain has flared up.

Don't want to wake my partner up and bother him. At least hearing his breathing is comforting enough right now...

Shaken,
Aphotic.

Chart · July 05, 2024, 09:07:31 PM

Sorry Aphotic, deep breaths, calming imagination. Hope you feel better.

AphoticAtramentous · July 09, 2024, 04:37:32 AM

Quote from: Chart on July 05, 2024, 09:07:31 PMSorry Aphotic, deep breaths, calming imagination. Hope you feel better.

Thank you kindly, Chart.

My partner often tells me to try and reshape my nightmares after I wake up, to imagine a different and more pleasant ending. I do try sometimes but it feels like I'm trying to walk up a playground slide. It's possible but it's so easy to slip and slide all the way back down to those darker and depressive thoughts. And it feels almost natural to do so, it's a slide after all. That's just how my brain has been wired to be. Where possible, I actually try to avoid my imagination - because of how often it slides down into negative and depressive concepts.

Semi relatedly, I recall back in high school I took English Writing as an optional class. I found fictional writing was a great way to express my darker thoughts, revealing the things I'd mentally witness at the bottom of this slide. I wrote such menacing topics that my teacher affectionately nicknamed me "little darkling", which I actually took a deep liking to. But I've seemed to always have this metaphorical slide in my mind, for as long as I can remember.

I'm getting this sudden feeling in my head though that what I wrote above isn't true. Or at least a part of me doesn't relate, a sadistic part of me that actually enjoys the dark thoughts and enjoys being at the bottom of the slide.

But if it's not true, why did I write it? I'm literally dizzy now. Eep. Am being open about my thoughts and symptoms because I want to record these confusions for my T. Because I know I won't remember this later if I don't write it down now.

Regards,
Aphotic.