Freezing, Dissociation, and Avoidance when I think of FOO

[movementforthebetter]

Hi all,

Have always known myself to be different from FOO . Was the scapegoat for them for years and years. They still want a normal relationship with me but don't make much effort and the condition is that I will never bring up my abuse or hold it against them because it "didn't happen" .

I struggle with many holidays but have found my own ways to find meaning in them. But a tough one is Thanksgiving, which is coming up. I'm supposed to go home this year and have realized I'd rather not. I haven't been home for a holiday in years. I might be done with them.

I've gone nearly the whole summer without talking to my FOO. Mainly because I needed to focus on myself. My SF texted me the other day, said he misses me. That was it, but it was enough to send me into a major dissociative tailspin. I still feel foggy now.

I've been avoiding this moment for months, I suppose. I have done well at avoiding a lot of family pressure by being an underachiever in their presence. I've done better overall on my own. But standing up to them is something I have avoided with more energy than I should.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to deal with this at all. My catastrophizing has gone crazy, and yet I'm frozen and have been avoiding responding to a simple text. Nothing makes me feel more powerless than dealing with the unpredictability of my FOO.

[Dee]

I know this is easier said than done...but you don't have to do anything you don't want to.  I often go down this road and when I come out and say I'm not doing it I feel nothing but relief.

I've spent the last two Christmases with my family, miserable.  This year I made reservations in Hawaii.  It's done, I have other plans.  The world didn't fall apart because for once I am doing what I want to.  I also didn't get the fall out that I expected, some, but not as bad as I thought it would be.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think you should do just whatever makes you alone happy, not to please anyone else. If you want to stay away on Thanksgiving, you should do it! And if you family whines and complains, well then... more reason to stay away? lol
I might be biased though because I try and do whatever I can to get out of going out with my own FOO, but it does help me keep my emotions in check quite a bit.

[caseyjobs]

hey movementforthebetter - I empathize with you here.  My FOO wants a normal relationship with me but doesn't want to deal with my emotions at all.  I make a lot of the effort.  They just want to stay safe in their bubble.

For me, I had to document a conversation with my parents via email in order to see what was going on: when I visit, I get caught up in the reality blackhole and leave feeling powerless.  This happened recently, the email conversation and it was rough, took me a couple weeks to process the thing, just now coming out of it.  But now I can see the dynamic.  Now I know for sure that I'm not crazy.

And part of seeing that for me is knowing that as much as I'd like a closer, healthier relationship with them, it's not healthy for me to be around them.  And so I've set a boundary for myself that I will limit how often I see my parents, how often I make the effort - and if I do see them, we will visit on neutral ground, restaurants, etc.  I've always gone down to visit for the holidays, but this year I will not.  I'm only hurting myself by doing that. 

I'm much better off in the long run having space from them and having clear boundaries for myself about how and how often I will interact with them.

[movementforthebetter]

I feel a bit Ike I'm losing it. I was on the brink of booking and tickets home. Thing is, I really can't afford the trip now, but still I almost did it. I just accidentally closed my browser tab and saved myself, hehe.

On one hand, they sound "better", as I heard over the phone. On the other, I have deluded myself soooooo many times by thinking things would be "different this time"  and they haven't been. Last time I went I had no expectations but I also didn't enjoy myself or even really spend time with them. I spent most of my time reading or outside.

So the real issue is why I would do this. I guess to save face and try to be a "good daughter". But doing that is lying to myself as much as anyone else. And no reasonable parent wants their kid to go broke over a holiday, right?

It's really interesting to me that the desperation to present as normal is as strong in me as it is in them... One of the traits that bothered me most growing up was how they have the "public face" and the "private face" and the two are so different. And yet here am I doing the same thing.

I'm going to sleep on it and consider what is really in my best interest. I suspect it will mean I stay put.

[finallyfree]

I sadly did things I really did not want to do for years to please my FOO. It was out of a false sense of obligation they instilled in me from birth. It made me miserable, it was a losing battle. Doing what they wanted me to do made me spend my time doing something I didn't want to do. There is no point in this, life is too short. It is easier said than done but do whatever makes you happy and exactly what you want. It's your life and you will never get this time back. Use it doing what you want and make good memories with friends who are I am sure more like family. You will be happy you avoided the dysfunction I promise you. And expect they will attempt to guilt you and ignore it. A good friend of mine told me last year, I don't owe my FOO anything, and after I thought about it I realized she was absolutely correct. Good luck to you and I hope you above all else make yourself happy.

[solas]

Hi, I also went through the same experience (for me, I was just the odd one out of the bunch with a very narcissistic mother and abusive father). I tried for years to be helpful and earn their love, but finally decided I had enough and simply separated myself from them. I haven't talked to them in going on four years and, really, it has helped my anxiety and confidence a great deal. I can now focus on the people around me who love and support me. While I still grieve for my FOO, until I am able to resolve the past, it's simply healthier to stay away.

While this may not be appropriate for you, you have to remember that others love you for who you are and you owe it to the wonderful self that you are to care for yourself. Love yourself enough to do what's best for your own health and mental wellbeing.

[BlancaLap]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I understand you may not know what to do, but I say what they have already tell you: you don't have to do anything. Just ignore them. They don't deserve your attention