Recovery as a process (Possible Trigger Warning)

[SilverLingingA]

Hello Everyone!

This is my first time posting to this forum and I'm so happy and glad I found this community! I want to apologize in advance as my post may be a little all over the place as I have so much I want to say and am not sure exactly how to articulate it properly.

Recovery often really is as Pete Walker says, "Two steps forward and one step back." I got Diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year and have spent all my time since trying to understand and come to terms with my early childhood abuse, (emotional,physical and sexual abuse.) This year has been nothing but absolute chaos for me, emotionally that is. The rollercoaster of emotions that has come with my never ending tyranny of flashbacks.
Oh the flashbacks.... it has taken me months to finally begin to understand how to implement healthy coping mechanisms and to also observe my maladaptive coping mechanisms and inner/outer critic attacks. Even then, with all my new found understanding and better sense of my true authentic self do I still experience these awful, awful flashbacks (usually caused by inner/outer critic). Even with trying with EVERY ounce IN ME to implement self compassion and self love, do I still experience self hate and self disgust, and it feels it comes in cycles.

Which is part of the silver lining of recovery, every downfall back to my automatic responses is an opportunity for me to truly grow and experience what is to truly love yourself,well, myself for the first time in my life, to finally see that I deserve to treat myself kindly, is a truly amazing experience.This recovery process is a hard journey and understanding how the physical and sexual abuse from my FOO has really effected me as an adult has been a back and forth process the whole way. I am 20 years old and yesterday was the first day I was able to talk about the rape I experienced from my father at age 12. I feel consumed with grief finally realizing through talking about that experience how hurt of an individual i have (am) been deep deep down inside. My inner child is severely wounded, and I now take the responsibility to nurture and love my developy arrested self, and take responsibility to love and care of my inner child like an adult parent would, but for myself.

Feeling (slightly) empowered and (slightly) relieved by talking about it for the first time, I am looking forward to continuing on my journey in PE therapy and healing childhood trauma. The relief from talking about the experience was tremendous, but the anxiety I feel about having to go back to this experience over and over until I can be less traumatized by it scares me because of the horrible amount of pain and helplessness I feel when I talk about. I also am still having a hard time dealing with the embarrassment of being raped. Has anyone dealt with this, and has found ways not feel such toxic shame?

Im not sure what Im looking for in posting this other then a community of support, Thanks for taking the time to read my post
 
-A

[Dee]

Welcome!!  First, I am so happy to hear you are 20 and working hard now!

Sometimes I feel like I am never going to feel better.  Like I hurt so badly it is never going to end.  Yet, I do eventually feel better and then the cycle starts again.  I feel tremendous shame.  Not only do I have a problem looking at my therapist, I sometimes can't look at anyone for the rest of the day.  I feel like they know.

I've not come very far in talking about it, but bits are coming out little by little.

I think you are doing well!   

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there Silver, welcome to the forum. ^^ It's nice to meet you.
Sorry to hear what's happened to you, but it's good that you're on your way to recovery! I wish you all the best.

[SilverLingingA]

Welcome!!  First, I am so happy to hear you are 20 and working hard now!

Sometimes I feel like I am never going to feel better.  Like I hurt so badly it is never going to end.  Yet, I do eventually feel better and then the cycle starts again.  I feel tremendous shame.  Not only do I have a problem looking at my therapist, I sometimes can't look at anyone for the rest of the day.  I feel like they know.

I've not come very far in talking about it, but bits are coming out little by little.

I think you are doing well!   

Hi Dee,
Thanks for the Welcome, happy to be here!
I know what you mean when you say you feel like your never going to feel better, and that you hurt so badly you don't think the pain will ever end. Sounds to me like a severe emotional flashback, which I struggle with! Ive come to learn though, my thinking patterns will determine how severe my flashback will be. Its in the moments of observing my thoughts, and thought stopping the critic  that I am able to move through the emotional down fall.
For me, my toxic shame stems from my own internal dialogue that I have to continuously be mindful of and view my thought patterns. At least thats what Im beginning to find whats helpful for me.
Thank you for sharing, baby steps! Healing is a process! You're doing just as well. I appreciate your response. 

[SilverLingingA]

Hey there Silver, welcome to the forum. ^^ It's nice to meet you.
Sorry to hear what's happened to you, but it's good that you're on your way to recovery! I wish you all the best.

Hey Aphotic, its nice to meet you too.
Thank you for the welcome to the forum! I appreciate your encouragement, and wish the same to you!