I don't know [TW]

[AphoticAtramentous]

EFs have been hitting me way too hard for my liking these days. I'm so on the edge of things, being startled by the smallest of things, so over-weary.
I keep getting to this point, so many times where I'm so sick of everything, so tired of waiting, feeling such a crippling emptiness, I just want it all to end. But I'm weak, and pathetic, and I can't do it. I've gotten so close to trying but the main thing that ever stops me is "What if my FOO finds out?". That's literally it. The only thing that keeps me alive is ironically this anxiety and fear that my parents will find out I am going to kill myself. Of course, I could avoid that happening if I do it without a trace - don't tell anyone so they can't tell my parents. But a part of me cries out for help too much and I wish it would shut up for once.

Why don't I want them to know? I don't know. My only idea is that - during the times I hate them the most, when I just want to end it all, THEN that's when they'll start actually caring. They'll start caring when I'm so fed up with them, and they'll stop me from doing it, and they'll start asking me questions.
"What did we do wrong?"
"What's the matter?"
"We never thought you needed help."
That's what they'll say, and their obliviousness and idiocy will just make me want to disappear even more. And besides, every time they've tried and 'helped', they did it for maybe a week and then forgot about it, isn't worth their time and effort. And that's fine by me. I don't want their help. I don't want anything from them.

I just don't know what to do. The emptiness hurts so bad.
I can't go to anyone, I'm too scared.
I've never called up a suicide hotline or gone into the hospital for that kind of stuff before. I'm curious as to how those things work and what they do. But I'd never try doing that stuff because my problems and suicidal tendencies probably aren't as bad as others'. I mean if I could never really go through with it (because of that fear with my FOO) then why should I go and inevitably waste their time?

[Blueberry]

I've never called up a suicide hotline or gone into the hospital for that kind of stuff before. I'm curious as to how those things work and what they do. But I'd never try doing that stuff because my problems and suicidal tendencies probably aren't as bad as others'. I mean if I could never really go through with it (because of that fear with my FOO) then why should I go and inevitably waste their time?

Dear Aphotic,

That is unfortunately typical of lots of us on here - we've been brainwashed by our families into believing we didn't have it bad (enough). Suicide hotlines and hospitals are there for people in your present condition! You won't be 'wasting' their time. You are a very worthwhile, valuable person! The fact that you are wondering why to keep going today is part of an EF, as you write yourself. It's not your reality. There is a part of you that wants to keep living. I sense/see/hear this person in your posts.

You've come to us in your desperation, with this post. That's good, but please try somebody IRL too, like the hotline.

FWIW when I'm posting or talking a lot about bad things in the past I tend to feel like throwing in the towel, probably becasue it's a family taboo. That may be in your case too.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Dear Aphotic,

That is unfortunately typical of lots of us on here - we've been brainwashed by our families into believing we didn't have it bad (enough). Suicide hotlines and hospitals are there for people in your present condition! You won't be 'wasting' their time. You are a very worthwhile, valuable person! The fact that you are wondering why to keep going today is part of an EF, as you write yourself. It's not your reality. There is a part of you that wants to keep living. I sense/see/hear this person in your posts.

You've come to us in your desperation, with this post. That's good, but please try somebody IRL too, like the hotline.

FWIW when I'm posting or talking a lot about bad things in the past I tend to feel like throwing in the towel, probably becasue it's a family taboo. That may be in your case too.

Thank you dearly, Blueberry. Your words really mean a lot to me...

I apologise for writing such a desperate post here - I know it's been stated as a rule that you should look elsewhere for immediate help if you're feeling like that but like I said before, I've never tried seeking help with hotlines or hospitals. And I'm all a bit nervous about doing it too. But if I can get over my weird fears I shouldn't need to do this again. lol
I think it's just a combination of feeling inadequate but also being afraid of the unknown.

I am feeling a bit better now though that I'm out of the EF. I have a session with my therapist tomorrow, hopefully that might help recharge me a bit! ^^
Cheers again.

[Dee]

In the future, suicide hotlines are there to help you find help.  I've called them, I've had to.  They will talk to you, give you options, and help you make a plan.  They don't send the police and you don't have to give them your name.  They want to talk to you before it comes to the point they need to send an ambulance or police (with your approval).

[Three Roses]

Nothing more to add, except I care.

[sanmagic7]

a.a., it's such a horrible place to be, and i'm glad you wrote about it hear.  you did reach out, and that's a good thing.  it shows that there's a spark there that will not be extinguished.

i'm with the others, too, that the hotlines are there for help, for listening, and for options.  we never have to compare ourselves and our pain to that of others.  it's valid, and so are you.

glad you're feeling better, and hope your session with your t goes well tomorrow.  you sound a bit stronger now.  all the best, and a big hug filled with encouragement and comfort. 

[Blueberry]

I apologise for writing such a desperate post here - I know it's been stated as a rule that you should look elsewhere for immediate help

Aphotic, as far as I'm concerned, there's no need to apologise! If writing here helps somebody like you to take the plunge and contact someone qualified IRL to help, then I imagine that's part of what we're here for too.
Hope you have a good therapy session tomorrow.

[AphoticAtramentous]

In the future, suicide hotlines are there to help you find help.  I've called them, I've had to.  They will talk to you, give you options, and help you make a plan.  They don't send the police and you don't have to give them your name.  They want to talk to you before it comes to the point they need to send an ambulance or police (with your approval).

Thank you kindly for the response. ^^
That's all comforting to know, it helps. Cheers.

Nothing more to add, except I care.

Thank you, Three Roses. ^^ 

a.a., it's such a horrible place to be, and i'm glad you wrote about it hear.  you did reach out, and that's a good thing.  it shows that there's a spark there that will not be extinguished.

i'm with the others, too, that the hotlines are there for help, for listening, and for options.  we never have to compare ourselves and our pain to that of others.  it's valid, and so are you.

glad you're feeling better, and hope your session with your t goes well tomorrow.  you sound a bit stronger now.  all the best, and a big hug filled with encouragement and comfort. 

Thanks for the response, San, it's appreciated.
I am feeling better, just needed to pass through a psychological storm.

Aphotic, as far as I'm concerned, there's no need to apologise! If writing here helps somebody like you to take the plunge and contact someone qualified IRL to help, then I imagine that's part of what we're here for too.
Hope you have a good therapy session tomorrow.

Mhm, hopefully next time I'll be able to get a little more help than just venting here and then wallowing in pain. lol

Thanks for all the responses, guys. Warms my heart. ^^