Trying to figure this out.

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OccamsRazr

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Trying to figure this out.
« on: September 11, 2017, 09:11:44 PM »
So here goes. Been traumatized, had a history of trauma since about 13. Came from what you would call an invalidating environment. My Mom was sweet and very kind, my Dad was the opposite...no emotions/ expression, military for 28 years...ya ya ya.  I think if it weren't for him I wouldn't have ptsd or anything, at all.  I've really really suffered in my entire life. It's almost like I'm different people. I had to move back in with my family, my step dad in particular - of course he's invalidating as *; another military man my Mom married. I don't want to stay here. I hate it, actually. I feel like I'm getting dragged back into the past, into *. I'm trying to figure things out, and can't keep going switching environments like this. I can't stand this man, he's so invalidating and he's one of those types who's proud of it. I can't stand him. I just put up with him. I secretly wish he'd get hit by a truck or just change overnight, somehow. I hate seeing him, hate being around him. I feel tense and awful everytime he's triggering me.
I have so much on my mind right now. I can't stomach it. I don't want to stay here, I've developed into someone else when I was in my 20's, now it's like I'm forced back into the past all over again, it's very triggering. I worked so hard at coming to terms with my emotions - developing emotionally healthy, And I did. Slam, comes this guy into the picture...just when everything was fine. It's like he had no emotions whatever- I felt instantly that I hated him, didn't know why but that's it. I'm trying not to boil over. ..WHy does this keep happening to me? Why does my mother marry these types of men. Will I ever stop the suffering.  I have so much bitterness and anger. I'm 31, but had to move back in for a short time. I'm going back to how I used to be, detaching from my emotions so that I can tolerate it here. I'm basically going back and all that work I did in my twenties has to sit on the shelf for how long. Maybe, it wasn't that realistic to be that way, completely emotionally healthy and happy, anyways. I'm just trying to survive, and have to watch myself emotionally doing what's healthiest.
Anyways, I had this trauma happen to me when I was 13. I think this journal will be a godsend to me and this website. I'm pretty triggered right now so I"m going to stop writing.  I"m constantly trying to make my life work, and it feel like it just doesn't; for things outside my control.
It is very frustrating. I feel sometimes that I need to make better decisions, and realistically.

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OccamsRazr

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Re: Trying to figure this out.
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2017, 09:34:57 PM »
I think the most important thing is that you learn about the trauma, and do something about it...fix it, don't worry about  being this 'ideal' perfect form of emotional healthy, or whatever that means. Just work from where you are understanding what you have..... that's all that can be expected of me.

That's what I have learned.

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Three Roses

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Re: Trying to figure this out.
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2017, 11:49:18 PM »
(Welcome to the forum, your post is in an area where it may not get a lot of views, and the views it gets may not get many responses, as journals are not as responded to as other posts. However, I don't want to move your post, because of the subject matter & feelings you've expressed... please consider making a post in the Welcome to OOTS section. Thanks! :))