Intro (TW)

[Quiet]

Hi All,
  Not sure where to start.  I'm going to make this brief.  I had a childhood of verbal abuse, neglect, and being an emotional caregiver to a parent.  I seriously considered suicide many times in my teen years, and I practiced cutting to help modulate emotional pain.

I have a wonderful wife who is much sweeter to me than I deserve, and I struggle with accepting her love, or her compliments.  She often says that she feels sad because when she gets close to me, physically, I move out of the way.  She knows it's because I never think that she wants to be close - it never crosses my mind.

I had been doing better, in an emotionally crippled sort of way (I definitely have a whole load of self-hatred with me at all times), until my last job had an unpleasable coworker who made it her mission to make sure that I never do anything that wasn't her way, and even then, I wasn't doing it right.  It took about two years for me to find another job, and that time in that toxic environment was too much for me. 

I got a new job about three years ago, and it's a really good job.  But I struggle emotionally more days than I'm stable, not quite depressed, but sad, and prone to crying (which is very much unlike me).  What's worse is that lately I've noticed I'm withdrawing - I feel like I cannot possibly stand any more emotional pain, so I've started avoiding anything I'm not sure of.  I don't want to try new things any more, and I don't want to do familiar things unless I'm sure of success.

Obviously, this is not a good path.  I'm working on trying to get in touch with whatever the hurt is inside so that I can process it, and at least open up to new experiences again.  I'm not myself without a little sense of adventure.

[Kat]

Hello and welcome!  Glad you found your way here.  It sounds like you're finding yourself feeling worse lately.  Do you have any idea what to attribute that to?  Are you in therapy now or have you been in the past? 

Please know I'm sorry that you're struggling so much.  Hopefully, that spirit of adventure will gain some strength and draw you out a bit. 

[Quiet]

I feel like I've been a slow downward spiral since I left my last job (emotionally).  At the time, my wife was really ill, and I was busy taking care of her.  I didn't really have time to cope with all the negative feelings I had, even though I knew at the time that my coworker had brought emotional flashbacks of my life with my stepmother.

As my wife started to get better, we started to divide tasks again, and I started having more trouble.  Basically, I held it together when my wife needed me.

I tried therapy for a while, but my therapist didn't seem to know what to do for me.  She tried to help me discover the source of my self-esteem problems, and when I already had those answers, she didn't know what came next.

[Echo]

Hi! I'm new here too and I really related to what you said about being an emotional caregiver to a parent. I've started the recovery process recently and I know it puts such a huge burden on me as as an adult even just remembering times I had to take care of my parent and feel responsible for them when I should have been able to just be a kid. Just wanted to say welcome to the forum and you're not alone.

[Kat]

I think a lot of us can identify with being too busy to deal with our own emotions or putting our energy into other relationships while we put our relationships with ourselves on the back burner.  But it only seems to work for so long.

For what it's worth, I'd encourage you to give therapy another try.  I don't think I'd be alive today if it weren't for the help I've gotten in therapy.  I know for sure I wouldn't be feeling as healthy as I finally am starting to without therapy.  Unfortunately, this forum is filled with stories of therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors not providing the care they should.  It sounds like you ran into one of them.  I hope you can find someone else who will know how to help you.

Until you're ready to do that--if you ever are--then please keep reading and posting here.  I think you'll find it helpful.

Be well.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, Quiet. ^^ It's a pleasure to meet you.

[Lilfae]

Welcome Quiet.

I can relate to shutting off emotions, because they can get too hard to deal with. I am currently doing DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy), which has a lot of focus on recognizing emotions and regulating them when thy get too powerful or too strong. Maybe that's something you can look into?

[Quiet]

DBT sounds intriguing.  When I and our finances feel up to pursuing therapy again, I would like to try it. 

[Traveller]

Hi
Sorry that you are struggling so much. It can get discouraging at times. Don't give up on therapy, but if might be helpful to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. Two therapy modalities that may be helpful are EMDR ( eye movement desensitization reprocessing) or IFS (internal family systems). Hope it gets better soon.