New to this group. Struggling with the realisation this is real

[Lynzmann]

Hi everyone, the enormous weight I feel after reading this website is life changing. I feel both relieved and heavy. I have been married for 10 years. Got married young, my husband has BPD and its taken its toll on me. I feel lifeless. I can't sleep, Im all over the shop!!!
I have twins with autism and my eldest daughter (7yrs) has really been effected by the way he treats us. He isn't living with us atm but I feel like  I can't get away from him. I want to always ask for permission, what he thinks, checking everything. I am freaking out but the mere fact I have more space to think for myself and I don't even know how too! I don't know how to even dress.
How do I get stronger. I can't have him here but I can't leave him. Im so scared all the time
Please tell me I'm not alone

[AphoticAtramentous]

You are not alone, Lynzmann. ^-^ There are many people here just like you, who experience/have experienced very similar things.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you will be able to find some comfort for you and your children soon.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I hope in reading our stories and sharing your own, you find the validation and support you need. You're not alone here!

[Dee]

It takes time when you get away from a controlling marriage.  I just took my kids on a trip, by myself, me.  I made the decisions, I planned the hotel, booked the tickets.  I was scared to death, but I did it anyway and we had a good time.  I almost cancelled and I did cancel the last one.

It was a year before I didn't feel guilty about buying myself some type of clothing.  Or even buying what I want at the grocery store even if the price was a little high.  For example, when married I could only get grapes if they were under a certain amount.  He usually did the grocery shopping because I couldn't be trusted to make good decisions.  Now, I'll buy grapes if I want to and I don't feel guilty.  I do think of him, but then I do it anyway.

I feel better.  I just had to do it, guilt, fear in all.  Challenge yourself.  When that negative tape plays in your head, challenge those tapes (his voice).

[JamesG]

Hi you

yes it's real, but so are you. You've made the first steps to getting free, and you will. We are all here for you, many in here have had the same experiences and are a goldmine for you, lean on them, they will hold you, they are great people. xxx

[Libby12]

Hi Lynzmann.

I really feel for you and can relate to some of the very difficult situations you are dealing with.   I, too, have twins - one autistic and one with difficulties related to brain damage.  I also have a daughter who is two years older than them.  They are grown up but the twins still live with us and I am still traumatised by coping with them all when they were younger.   I really wonder how I ever got through it.

The big difference in our stories is that the pd in my life was my mother and not my husband.  We didn't live close to her but she controlled my every thought and action, in the same way as you describe your husband. For me, I came to realise that I couldn't be a good mother to my children because I was so consumed by fear of her, and all of our lives centred around keeping her and ef happy.  There was no energy left to deal with the children who all needed such a lot of attention. Coming OOTF was a long process but the further I went,  the better parent I became.

I feel for you so much, because at least I still had my husband,  but absolutely nobody else. It must be absolutely terrible and frightening for you to find yourself alone but I want to assure you that I found that not having my pd parents in my life made me a much better mother than I would have been had I still been controlled by them. The 'help and support ' they gave me was just not worth the horrendous stress they caused everyone.  Being alone is better than being controlled and after a while you hopefully come to see that it is good to start determining for yourself what you and your children need.

I know that having a pd spouse is very different to having pd parents,  I just wanted to welcome you to the site and say that I understand a lot of what you are going through and would like to support you here in any way possible.

All the best,

Libby.