New Here, Fighting, Hoping I'm Winning

[avidDavid]

Even if gradually.

I've had my (C)PTSD diagnosis for the better part of a year now, and I've lived with the chunk of events that caused my issue for over 33 years.  I'm on a bundle of meds these days, and transitioning from Vybriid to Effexor, with Seroquel, Prazosin and Xanax thrown in for good measure.  I don't know if it's customary to reveal all your traumas in an intro, but... they're complex, they're there, and I'm working through them.  In addition to the meds, I've embarked on EMDR, and it's been revolutionary for my perspectives.  I mean, incomparably powerful versus other approaches I've been through.

Little bit about me: though I currently live in an affluent suburb, I come from a very poor part of the country; I come from a very large family.  I put myself through my education, and I have a really well-paying job.  I am happily married for just over a decade.  SO is aware of and party to all of my treatment and my day-to-day.  Outside of the recent surge in my symptoms, I am generally happy, warm and quick to befriend new folks.  I am comfortable in crowds and in public speaking.  I am very much a people person.  The irony, right?

I'm an engineer, polyglot and an extrovert, which makes me fun at parties  , but I'm also someone who very deeply understands the worth and need for interpersonal connection and sharing common feels.  I am also a programming and workout enthusiast, nerd in general, and love pets and animals of all sorts.  I am sorry that we all have this qualifier in common, but I am grateful that there are communities that make us feel not alone.  That help us share and validate our experiences and hopefully trigger growth and fire within us all where needed.

I just wanted to say hi, and if I can help (or be helped), if I can share, then I want to.

I'm currently feeling like transitioning from one med to the other, and titrating to find the right dose makes me wonder how effective the medicinal approach is altogether.  I hate being tired, I miss how energetic I normally am, and I don't sleep well or for very long!  I suspect that's pretty common.  I also have strong emotions about certain meds: Mirtazapine is too strong, and so is Seroquel, ugh!

I have to believe that for people like me there is a homeostasis, there is a level or equilibrium we all hit where we cope with and live with our C/PTSD in a way that feels natural.  I have to believe that I eventually come through this stronger than I started.  Isn't that ... Life?  I don't want to resent that I have this, I don't want a "woe is me" cloud over my head, and I certainly don't want pity or sorrow in my wake.  I'm too happy a guy!

If this is a community that can help me find that equilibrium, and I can help anyone I meet feel a piece of that as well, then I'm all for it.  Happy to meet you all. 

avidDavid

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, David. ^-^ It's a pleasure to meet you.
That is a fair amount of meds there! The only one I'm familiar with is Xanax and not because I've taken them but because I know others who have. I hope they help you out though!
Curiously I want to ask, what kind of programming do you do? I've done a little bit of that stuff and it's quite enjoyable. Good to know you've got plenty of hobbies and what not to keep you occupied. What languages do you know? Sorry, feel free to ignore my curious prodding.

I have to believe that I eventually come through this stronger than I started.  Isn't that ... Life?  I don't want to resent that I have this, I don't want a "woe is me" cloud over my head, and I certainly don't want pity or sorrow in my wake.

I very much agree with this and try to follow the same principles.

And as for your traumas, you can share them whenever you feel you would like to. ^-^ There is no pressure here.

[avidDavid]

Hey there Aphotic! Thanks for the warm welcome and wishes.

Let's see.  Programming wise, I'm a C guy at heart, but I love .Net and honestly, Swift.  It's so much more realistic than Obj-C.  I've also been known to futz about with (be forced to) work with Python, Ruby and occasionally PowerShell, though I hate that last one deeply.  I'll also be called on to try to decipher old bits of random things like Matlab or WPF/XAML or some F# or Mono thing a contractor did.  Mostly.... I'm a C family nerd, and I'm OS-agnostic as a rule.

Language wise... English, Spanish, Italian (anything Romance, really), Japanese and currently improving my German.  Learning Russian.  Bits of Mandarin and Korean.  Military brat at different times of my life, and I ended up with an affinity. ...  More like an abiding obsession.  I still love to travel, and I love going places where I know the language.  Just helps so much when you're really trying to experience a new place!

Thanks for calling out that quote.  I have to feel like it guides most of my better impulses these days.  We've clearly all got the strength, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this far, right? =]

And really, thank you for the warmth.  I've been in so many online communities throughout my life.  Hello, Prodigy? But never a mental health one.  This is unique for me.

[AphoticAtramentous]

No problem, mate.

I really need to get into C. I've only done work with Java/JavaScript/HTML, the basic stuff. I recreated Battleships in Java once with a few twists for a school project lol. It's all good fun. Frustrating at times as I'm sure you know, but satisfying when you get the code right.

And how interesting, I'm learning Russian as well. I'm impressed you know so many languages though. У тебя есть умный разум! Это хорошо.

We've clearly all got the strength, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this far, right? =]

Indeed. ^-^

[JamesG]

Hi David
that all sounds familiar I must say. Welcome to the forum, you sound pretty similar to where I am right now. The fatigue is my biggest single issue right now and I'm having trouble separating the meds from the C-PTSD where that is concerned. The med, Escitilopram/lepraxo has a know fatigue effect but I am inclined it's the PTSD because I have 7 years of exhaustion to recover from. You can't run on cortisol for long periods without causing harm and that needs fixing. The resentment is a tough one, you need the anger as part of letting go, it's a stage that has to be faced down so you can then drop it. Most people here have very good reasons to be angry and reaching the level where you can be angry is a levelling of the playing field after a lifetime of being too scared to express it. Currently I am getting flashes of rage as I realise that the people who caused my C-PTSD have no legitimate excuse for how they behaved, there are no mitigating circumstances for ramming other people into illness are there? And all for such pretty, trivial and avoidable reasons. But the rage doesn't last, you kind of burn it off in a few sessions and find better things to do with your head. I just wish the emotional flashbacks would give way, and the churning conversations in my head as I process the unprocessable garbage these people passed off as communication. Just a plain nuisance most of the time. Your obvious social skills also hits a chord, I'm much the same, but my openness, creativity and extroversion was part of the story in that it enraged my narcissistic brother and triggered abuse on way too many occasions to mention. It seems to also drive my business partner into weird behaviour too. Has it also been a factor in your story?

Re the woe is me angle, well I know that one, and that's why this space is so important. I think we do need to express the plain frustration and resentment or misery of these symptoms and our story to heal, something my counsellor has explained really well to me. In here we can do that and even if no one has seen or commented on it, the expression is the thing. For me it's expressing the fight and the incredulity of its causes that does the healing. CPTSD is like peeling an onion, you have to do it layer by layer and each is slightly different in tone to the last. Objectivity really helps, as does hearing the varied ways that people fight to express the often nebulous symptoms. CPTSD is an injury, not a disease, let's all get the thing fixed.