Dreams and stuff - potential trigger warning

[justdontknow]

I don't remember much about my early childhood, only my teen years. I thought I was happy. But I had dreams all the time that I was flying and I was too big to fit in my family's car or house (I wasn't large in real life, i was tiny). There was never any room for me. Being able to fly and i think i was invisible too, allowed me to help people. I helped my family but just wasn't part of their life. This is the main thing i remember about my early childhood. I don't know what it means. I observed but i was never part of anything.

I know that my sister was ill from when we were a young age and she was always the main focus. And i know i didn't fit in at school because my mum gave me the same clothes day after day and they didn't even fit me properly. I was bullied throughout my school years, not particularly badly but by my friends so the idea that i couldn't trust people close to me was reinforced. My mum wasn't the most loving, my cousins called her a cold cow and didn't like her babysitting them. But she cooked for us, stayed at home, was a bit controlling, sometimes threw stuff and hit us but was ok on the whole. She did have a bad temper though. I came home from school one day in my teens to find a note saying she'd been taken to the police station for assaulting some random builder over a traffic cone. I thought i saw the funny side with everything. I thought it didn't affect me.

When she threatened my sister with a knife i thought it didn't affect me. When she was trying to drag my sister down the stairs headfirst and i was trying to stop her i thought it didn't affect me. When i was hugging my sister to my chest and trying to shield her from the torrent of horrible words my mum was shouting about wanting to kill my sister, about wanting to kill herself, i didn't think it affected me. All i felt was that i had to protect my sister and then afterwards check if my mum was ok.

I haven't had dreams that i can remember in a long time. I found my grandad after his stroke. Couldn't watch the stroke advert on tv afterwards. Had to leave the room. He was the only one that understood the family dynamics. He was the only one that understood me. And i blamed myself for his death because i'd gone to see him later that day than usual.

When my mum hit me or threw something it would leave a mark but not a bruise. I wanted it to leave a bruise so i gave myself bruises sometimes to punish myself double for being such a horrible person that i'd upset my already mentally ill sister in some way. According to my mum. I was always treading on eggshells. My dad was away most of the time but when he was there he'd ask me to deal with it and would storm out. My mum threw a glass at his head which narrowly missed and shattered against the window. I suppose i understand why he stayed out of my sister's and mum's arguments. What hurt was when he shouted at me too and blamed me for upsetting my sister or hit me too when he had no idea about the dynamics and how much i'd done to try to help.

My sister used to bite, scratch, kick, punch me when I tried to help my mum with her in my late childhood/teens. I thought it was fine because she was a younger sibling and was ill. I shouldn't have helped try to get her out of the house when she felt too ill anyway. I deserved all the scars i got.

I used to hover on the stairs for ages at the age of 7, unable to sleep because i was thinking about the inevitability of death. I was around that age when my grandma who was living with us tried to commit suicide and ended up being rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I remember sitting half way down the stairs, shivering with the cold, being in limbo, wanting a hug from my mum to make everything better about my existential crisis but not knowing how to ask for it. I don't know how much i knew about my grandma's suicide attempt but i remember not believing the story the adults told me about her accidentally drinking bleach instead of orange juice - isn't bleach see through not yellow? i thought.

Since childhood/teens i've been ok on the whole with bouts of undiagnosed depression and recently i've come out of an abusive relationship but that's a story for another day. I feel like i've forgiven my family for their mistakes but i still find it hard to show affection to people or get close to them. I sometimes feel so screwed up i don't know how i'll ever fit in and live a normal life but i don't know what's wrong with me. It was only today that i realised i might have complex ptsd but i don't know because other stories on here are so so much worse than mine and i feel silly even posting my nothing story.

I'm just so fed up of it all. I'm so numb and empty. I take risks and do extreme sports. When I do something that seems really dangerous I'm almost disappointed that i don't die. It would be so much easier to disappear that way rather than do something that would make it seem like my fault. I'm disclosing way more than i usually would as i've been drinking gin all alone in my room like a sad person because i'm so isolated in the new place i'm living. I'll probably delete this post anyway so sorry for my ramblings.

[Lilfae]

Your story is anything but nothing!

Youve been through so much pain, and you were just a child. You werent supposed to deal and handle with all that of your own. I dont know how you are with hugs, but I would give you one.

[Blueberry]

justdon'tknow, please don't be sorry for what you've written! You went through so much in your childhood, so much pain, neglect, fear. And so much taking care of others, like your mother (though she should have been taking care of you) and your sister.

Wanted to let you know that I care, though I'm a bit wordless atm. I'd give you a hug  if it helps, if it doesn't ignore.

[Three Roses]

I hope you don't delete your post. You are worthy of finally being heard. You're not invisible, I see you and empathize with your pain. Hopefully you'll find some support here and maybe an idea of what kind of help would be best for you. Help is out there! I would hug you too.

[AphoticAtramentous]

You story is not nothing, mate. You've suffered tremendously, gone through things no child should. :S
If you feel you might have CPTSD, you should definitely try reading some resources on it. http://pete-walker.com/ <- Here especially. They have helped me tremendously come to terms with it all and it can be very validating.

[Frederica]

That is absolutely not nothing, please don't delete your post. A lot of people feel like "imposters" - that's part of the trauma, devalidating yourself so much that you don't think you deserve to be traumatized. I felt like that all the time at first - now, only some of the time.

You don't even need to compare your story to other people's stories at all. There's always someone in the world that has it worse, that makes us feel we have no place speaking up, sure - but if we follow that logic through, then there is only one person alive, somewhere in the world, who has undergone the most suffering and is allowed to complain. That would be pretty silly.

It sounds like you were horribly neglected and abused as a child, and probably as an adult too, and it's absolutely understandable that you're alone and sad in your room drinking gin right now.

[justdontknow]

Thank you so much for your validation Lilfae, Blueberry, Three Roses, Aphotic Atramendous and Frederica. Your words are so kind and actually surprised me quite a bit as reading over what I wrote, I can't see it as that bad. And I still think it sounds worse than it was.

I definitely do feel like an imposter in quite a few areas of life. But I guess i'm used to the feeling of not fitting in anywhere.

Yesterday was just a bad day. I was drinking gin to numb the irrational fear that my abusive ex would turn up where I was living. The chances were unlikely but as I'm living near to where he is and he knows where I live and still has a way of getting in through the gates and has turned up unannounced before, my feelings weren't completely irrational.

Anyway, I just realised this forum was for symptoms and I talked maybe mainly about causes. I don't know if i'd fit c-PTSD. As a child I was always getting told off for daydreaming at school. I wasn't aware that I wasn't concentrating on what was being taught until I was told off. As I've got older I've continued to be quite daydreamy and absent minded and find someone asks if i understand something they've just said and feel mortified that i've looked vacant. I self-diagnosed myself with ADD and dypraxia at different points but only because I lose focus easily and just phase out sometimes and also get lost all the time and understand that a poor sense of direction can be part of dyspraxia. With regards to other symptoms, I don't know. My ex would make fun of what he called my 'hypervigilence' as I would jump out of my skin whenever he came up behind me and put his arms around me. My friends would make fun of me as a child for having such a strong flinch reaction if they pretended to throw something.

I don't know if i have flashbacks or dissociation. Often when I'm walking outside, things seem to come at me too fast and i nearly bump into people and things as i can't seem to see things clearly in time even though my eyesight is fine. It's like there's too much to focus on in the world at once and it's a bit overwhelming. No idea what that is though.

Sometimes I stare into space for ages, my eyes lose focus and my head's all fuzzy and i can't seem to snap out of it. sometimes i'll just be in a daze biting my nails and can't stop. Flashback wise I always thought there's no way i could have PTSD because i don't have flashbacks or nightmares. But the emotional flashbacks might make sense. Sometimes I will be unnecessarily upset by small things or small criticisms which i always seem to take super personally and feel like an utter failure and feel lots of self loathing. I often have this abandoned feeling quite easily too but have a habit of distancing myself from feelings and people so most of the time I don't really feel anything.

Although sometimes I'm surprised by the intensity of emotions I feel. Usually in relation to something that my mum's said which isn't even that bad. I was saying I was going to go shopping to buy some new cardigans for my work placement and she said 'do you really need a different one for every day?' and I just felt this strong indignation and sadness that was not proportional to what she said and argued that it would look really unprofessional if i turned up smelling of BO and I might have been able to wear the same thing day after day as a kid but in the adult world that is not normal and we're not a normal family. I felt so angry and emotional and the only thing that could explain that outburst would be the fact that i was bullied at school for turning up in the same clothes several days in a row when i had no control over what i wore. I don't talk to my mum very often or see her very often since leaving home 5 years ago but when i do, i seem to get upset or angry pretty easily.

I've also had physical symptoms for as long as I can remember. As a child I'd be off school very often with 'tummy ache' and I still have abdo pain most days along with heartburn and palpitations. They don't seem to be associated with anything in particular and doctors couldn't find a cause for them.

For ages I've just felt like i'm kind of screwed up and can't be repaired. I feel like it's some horrible secret I'm hiding. I manage to function ok in everyday life and go through the motions of being a normal human being. I just don't really feel like one of them.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Anyway, I just realised this forum was for symptoms and I talked maybe mainly about causes. I don't know if i'd fit c-PTSD.

I don't know if it helps but you could compare your symptoms to the ones listed in CPTSD. CPTSD isn't in the DSM-5 so a lot of people here have self-diagnosed. If you feel you match most of it, then it might be worth looking into it all a bit more deeply. ^^ But don't shrug off the possible idea of BPD/DID/Bipolar/Etc, etc. CPTSD is known to have a lot of similar symptoms to other mental conditions such as those.
-  RE – Re-experiencing the trauma in the present (visual/emotional flashbacks; nightmares)
-  AV – Avoidance of traumatic reminders (thoughts, people, places, things)
- SOT – Persistent sense of threat (hypervigilant, increased arousal, startle response)
- AD – Affective dysregulation (heightened/flattened anger, sadness, joy)
- NSC – Negative self-concept (shame, critical of self/others; feeling inferior)
- DR – Disturbed relationships (isolated; feeling different than others; social anxiety)

With regards to other symptoms, I don't know. My ex would make fun of what he called my 'hypervigilence' as I would jump out of my skin whenever he came up behind me and put his arms around me. My friends would make fun of me as a child for having such a strong flinch reaction if they pretended to throw something.

Oh yes, I know how that feels. People made fun of my own hypervigilence as well. And I really struggled to play any kind of sports because the ball, even the shadow of it passing by would startle me into flinching. You're not alone there.

Flashback wise I always thought there's no way i could have PTSD because i don't have flashbacks or nightmares. But the emotional flashbacks might make sense. Sometimes I will be unnecessarily upset by small things or small criticisms which i always seem to take super personally and feel like an utter failure and feel lots of self loathing. I often have this abandoned feeling quite easily too but have a habit of distancing myself from feelings and people so most of the time I don't really feel anything.

Although sometimes I'm surprised by the intensity of emotions I feel. Usually in relation to something that my mum's said which isn't even that bad. I was saying I was going to go shopping to buy some new cardigans for my work placement and she said 'do you really need a different one for every day?' and I just felt this strong indignation and sadness that was not proportional to what she said and argued that it would look really unprofessional if i turned up smelling of BO and I might have been able to wear the same thing day after day as a kid but in the adult world that is not normal and we're not a normal family. I felt so angry and emotional and the only thing that could explain that outburst would be the fact that i was bullied at school for turning up in the same clothes several days in a row when i had no control over what i wore. I don't talk to my mum very often or see her very often since leaving home 5 years ago but when i do, i seem to get upset or angry pretty easily.

Sounds like emotional flashbacks to me. Flashbacks and nightmares are definitely a main part of PTSD, but for CPTSD the main symptom is EFs. A lot of the time you may be unaware you're having an EF. It takes some time to piece things together and figure out why what has just happened has affected you so much. It was this way for me, I just always thought I was overreacting and being a drama queen.

For ages I've just felt like i'm kind of screwed up and can't be repaired. I feel like it's some horrible secret I'm hiding. I manage to function ok in everyday life and go through the motions of being a normal human being. I just don't really feel like one of them.

It may seem unlikely/impossible to you but you CAN 'repair'. It takes time and work but you won't suffer forever.
Sorry if any of what I've said is a repeat of what others have said already. Have only been skimming the forum posts lately.

[justdontknow]

Thank you so much for your reply AphoticAtramendous. Definitely get where you're coming from with flinching with the ball. I was always rubbish at team sports too.

Yeah I still don't know about the emotional flashback thing. I don't know how to work out if what's happening is emotional flashbacks or me just overreacting to a given situation. The other day I couldn't park my car as there wasn't enough space but it was my only option so I tried and tried until I just stood outside my car rooted to the spot not knowing what to do. I was crying and panicking as there was nowhere for me to go and I just didn't know what to do because I had to find somewhere. I had to get to work and was going to be late. I eventually drove out of the car park crying and very nearly went home and called in sick. I felt so helpless and rubbish because no one else would struggle that much just to park a car and would certainly not end up almost having a panic attack over it and freezing and not being able to do anything.

Thank you for listing those symptoms. That's really helpful. I wouldn't say I'm massively avoidant (apart from attachment-wise). I'll often force myself into situations that remind me of the past and I end up feeling really rubbish and numb and distant but I face the situation as in i'm physically there. I'll constantly challenge myself and be super busy doing things that are impossibly challenging both mentally and physically so i don't think the avoidant thing is there. Threat - yeah defintely have a strong startle response. I'm unsure about the affective dysregulation. I'm very good at putting on a mask to the outside world but I've had to hide in toilets to cry before when sadness hits me suddenly and all my anger turns inwards rather than outwards so i'll tend to feel guilty and depressed if i have too much time to think about things. I think i've learnt to deal with extremes of emotion by having these calming behaviours like I bite my nails or the inside of my mouth all the time. A lot of the time i don't feel much except from just very tired. NSC and DR I definitely have. I'm highly self critical and feel inferior to everyone and will always put others first to the extent that i'll feel guilty if i have a seat on the bus and someone else doesn't and i'll want to give up my seat even though i got there first and they're not elderly or infirm. Disturbed relationships - i've never had lots of friends or quite fitted in but i've always been caring towards others and i feel like there's this sociable, fun person at my core that's only recently starting to come out when i'm with the right people who i feel at ease with. I've always been really shy in the past, almost mute with strangers and probably had pretty bad social anxiety. But because i've forced myself out of my comfort zone for so many years now in pursuit of the career i want, I'm finally not so scared anymore and I'll talk to anyone in a friendly, confident way when having a good day. But still i'm somewhat isolated. And I'm confused about that because i finally feel like i've learnt how to be a bit more normal (i've taught myself because my family weren't). The friends I have are mostly unconventional and a bit different too and it's only these people I feel safe to be myself with.