memory is sketchy*may have triggers*

[barbidoll]

So I have spent most of my adult life kind of minimizing what happened to me as a kid I think. I have even gone so far as to think that the onluly thing bad about my childhood abuser was that he molested me and my sisters.  I honestly had to ask my older sister today if my Dad had angry outburts and was highly critical because I don't remember. These are traits of men I have chosen for my adult relarionships. My sister said yes to both of my questions but I don't remember. My memories of my father kind or center around the sexual abuse even though those memories are sketchy too. I know the first time it happend I checked out and I remember coming to awareness towards the end. I also remember how beforehand my abuser made it spund like it was going to be such a treat to spend the night in his bed.   I even remember one time where I think me and my abuser were alone and my friend wanted me to spend the night. I remember just a feeling of not wanting to be alone with my abuser and an immense feeling of relief when my friends sister was able to get a yes to me spending the night at their house.
  The thing is it really bothers me that I remember so little. That I can't remember behaviors the my sister describes as "evil" in our abuser.   Does anyone else have this problem of seeming to have selective memory?  On the one hand I don't want to remember but on the other its disturbing to think I might be choosing men like my abuser. 

[Dee]

I can relate, but tonight isn't a good time for me to expand.  You are not alone in this at all.  I'll come back after I get some rest, but I wanted to give you hugs.

[Three Roses]

Our brains are wonderful in their ability to protect us from traumatic or harmful memories. It's very possible for you to just not remember things, and if you do choose to pursue remembering them I suggest you engage a therapist to help you in this. I did it alone and re traumatized myself.

[Dee]

I was recently told that I don't have to remember to heal.  It took a little time for me to understand that.  Even if I can't remember the feelings are still there.  I need to recover from those feelings, not the details.

It is also common for abuse victims to chose partners that are abusive.  It isn't intentional, I think it is the familiar that feels like home.  For me to no longer be a victim takes therapy.  I am sure other people can do it in other ways.

[barbidoll]

I spent time in counseling as a teenager but I don't think that we dealt with any of the hard stuff. Even my sisters both had counseling as teenagers and we are all finding or have found that it wasn't enough.  This is one of things one of my abusers tries to use against me periodically too. 
  i always thought my ability to forget in order to cope was kind of cool. Until I sat in someone's office and tried to explain how I was abused by others too and my mind just wouldn't pull that information out even though I know that each time I realized this was abusive and left.   I tend to choose controlling and angry men who usually have a substance abuse problem. While I can't remember my father well I have wondered if those behaviors fit him.  I do know that as an adult my father asked me to write a letter saying that stuff didn't happen. I ignored it.  Yes I was so in denial about the effects of my abuse I sought a relationship with my abuser but that is another story for another day.

   

[Andyman73]

Barbidoll,
Honestly, I only remember the 6 years of near daily CPA from my mom.  I can barely see her face and even then it's mostly blurred out. I hear no noise except the impact upon my little body. And I have a constant soundtrack of the impact of my head to my twin's head and the floor...like a loud tree snapping sound....I mean deafening!!!! But only if I focus on it.
I do not remember one single negative comment...literally none, but I know she said them, both of my brothers verified this for me. Also she had a look of evil rage on her face...according to said brothers.
Actually not only do they remember everything mom did to me, when they were present, but they were totally floored that I didn't till all my memories started coming back this year.  But in all fairness, I don't remember any I love yous either.   I barely remember any of my childhood.