Me (triggers)

[CepheidVox]

Hello. My name is Laurel, I'm 28 years old. I was recently diagnosed with OSDD (otherwise specified dissociative disorder) but I might also have BPD or at least some of the traits

I don't really know where to start so this will probably be confusing and I'm sorry for that. My life doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I can't remember very much from before age 17 and I've had ongoing memory issues due to dissociation since then as well. What I do remember is confusing. In first grade I started having issues at school; sudden fear of the bathroom and anxiety that caused me to wet myself in class... that was pretty isolating, and I remember being considered weird. No memories until 4th grade when a teacher began verbally abusing me daily. She separated me out from my classmates and made me an example of stupidity and laziness and worthlessness. She made me stand in front of the class while she yelled at me and made me cry and made me tell everyone I was bad. It was so painful being at school that I spent most of my time there emotionally absent... at home I would have panic attacks and nightmares. I would experience amnesia for entire days and it scared me. I didn't tell my parents what was happening, though. My mom wasn't very good at emotions. Both of my parents are CSA survivors.

We moved across the country after that year but I kept having problems, especially at school. My father got into drugs and my mother had to work constantly to keep us afloat. I had to take care of my little sister and comfort my mom and when my dad disappeared no one told me what happened to him. I retreated deeply into fantasy but also kept very good grades. I was obviously different from other children and it made me a target for bullying. In 7th grade I developed an eating disorder and started self-harming by hitting and cutting myself. I had severe insomnia, daily panic attacks, and episodes of hearing foreign-feeling internal voices which would argue and be rude to me. My dad came back into our lives but he was still into drugs and his own mental illness so I was exposed to some things that I should not have been. Few memories but a lot of fear. Moved around a lot, alone a lot.

Hospitalized at age 16 after I had a severe panic attack in school and revealed my self-harming to a teacher. Two weeks in hospital, put on SSRI and then discharged with virtually no follow up, One day I tried to commit suicide and woke up covered in vomit, cleaned up and went to school like nothing happened. I met my boyfriend at 19 and I tried to repress everything and become normal, went to college and took child psychology but the problems continued. I dropped out and have been working since. Can't keep a job for very long, can't go back to school, can't make friends other than my boyfriend, can't remember my day-to-day life very well.

In and out of therapy and treatment. DBT helped a lot with the self-harm. I just started seeing a therapist for CPTSD specifically and my new psychologist diagnosed me with OSDD. Basically, I have pieces which are nearly separate personalities... there's S, a 7-year-old version of me who seems to remember some worse abuse that I don't; Laurel, a teenage me whose voice I hear very often inside my head, angry and paranoid; and then there's Me... that's my name, the real me. There are other parts too but I don't know much about them yet. I know these parts are all part of "the whole Laurel" but it's like a puzzle with pieces that don't fit together very well. Sometimes when I get triggered another part will take over and I will go inside and be only vaguely aware of what they do and completely unable to control the body. I've also had hallucinations in the past. I have fears that I don't understand.

I want to get better so bad. I want to be able to remember what happened to me. I want to feel safe and like a part of the community. I'm making a commitment to not give up hope again. Sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading everything. Thank you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there Laurel. ^^ Welcome to the forum.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you've gone through. Terrible it is, when we can't go to teachers and parents for help, and instead they cause us so much deep pain and harm.
I hope your current therapist will be able to help you.
I understand how you feel though. I've had hallucinations as well, and experience the 'mind fragmentation' too. I'm not sure if you've read already but you may be interested in reading this: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7376.0
It relates a lot to what you've said already with the whole 'other parts' of you.

[Candid]

Thank you for joining us, Laurel! 

Can't keep a job for very long, can't go back to school, can't make friends other than my boyfriend, can't remember my day-to-day life very well.

That's how it is now.  With the right help, all that can change into a much happier and more satisfying life.

We have at least one other member who has "pieces which are nearly separate personalities".  His thread is here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7376 ETA: AphoticAtramentos has just linked to the same one!

I'm making a commitment to not give up hope again.

Attagirl!   You're going to make plenty of friends here.

[CepheidVox]

Thank you Candid and AphoticAtramentous for your responses. I read the thread and responded since it sounds a lot like my experience.

[Echo]

Hi Laurel, I'm new to the forum as well and just wanted to say welcome and that you are not alone in this. I'm sorry to hear about what you've experienced because no child deserves that treatment. It seems to me that when someone is victimized, authority figures pick up on that and re-victimize. I've experienced this with some teachers and other people in my life. It's an absolutely unfair and disturbing process to be treated that way.
I also relate to some extent to the dissociation you've described and also the self harm. Large chunks of my childhood are missing/distorted, I escaped to fantasy often and like you I want more than anything to know what happened.
Best of luck with your new therapist. Thank you for having the courage to share and speak up about what you've been through. Sending nothing but good wishes to you.

[Three Roses]

One day I tried to commit suicide and woke up covered in vomit, cleaned up and went to school like nothing happened.

this makes me hurt for you. i'm sorry you had to go thru that alone. but, you're not alone anymore, you have us