Push or Pull?

[AphoticAtramentous]

Just a curious question for ya'll. It's this kind of fact now that people with CPTSD have a little trouble with their relationships sadly, or have had trouble in the past at least.
We either pull people in, even if they are abusive, trying to please others or feeling we deserve any pain we receive from them.
Or we push people, fearful of being hurt and thus not allowing to be hurt ever again, just being overly distrustful.
So the question is basically do you push or pull? Or maybe some combination? Or maybe lucky you don't have any issues at all with relationships. If so good on you. Haha

In the past when I was completely unaware of CPTSD, I was definitely 'pulling'. I tried to do anything and everything to get attention and love, a big fawn type basically. This of course was really not good for me and I fell into more abusive traps. I was toyed with and people used my 'desire to please' to let them get their own way. I managed to get engaged with someone I didn't even love - just because I couldn't say 'no', needed to keep them happy otherwise they'd get mad/upset. :S

I found friends who helped me to understand that my relationship was not healthy. And somehow I managed to leave that relationship.
But then ever since I've found it extremely hard to date people, or even just befriend people. Now I 'push' people away. I dated two others guy, and both times I suddenly ceased contact with them. It's like, one little thing that they do spirals me into this deep well of emotions, makes me so freaking furious and I become so unpredictable and I do anything I can to avoid the pain. I suppose that's EFs for you...
Though it's concerning how a single EF can make me suddenly loathe someone. I really did fancy that one guy I dated, and we'd been friends for years. But a single EF made me hate him, and I still hate him. XD Ugh. What a mess.

Now-a-days, I've just kinda given up on the plan of ever dating someone lol. It's too hard. Haha, too much work. I'd rather just first fix and accept myself than find others who will accept broken me. But I can't imagine myself ever being 'predictable' and being an actual decent partner. I can barely handle myself let alone another person. >.>

[woodsgnome]

AphoticAtramentous:  "I've just kinda given up on the plan of ever dating someone."

That pretty much reflects my feelings, partly aided by my self-selected remote living location. However, those women I do cross paths with often express intrigue with this life, too (and with me)  --some have hinted they'd do lots to live like I do; so while it usually doesn't result in dating beyond the pen pal stage these days, there was a several-year exception.

And we tried. And...like Aphotic Atramentous, EFs seemed to flutter in and intimacy was likely to end up with my 'freaking out', for lack of a better phrase. Well, we kinda stayed as friends after due to our strong mutual interests, except...well, yeah--that intimacy/EF drag interfered.

So dating remains in my enormous disappointment file. There's still sort of a push/pull to my feelings, but based on my previous 'except-for-that' relationship, I'd be wary of venturing onto that road again. Is what it is--and I'm so sick of saying that about so much. Try again gets old quick.

[Lilfae]

Ive also given up the thought of finding a partner. I cannot give a guy the intimacy that usually comes with a relationship. So I push.  I also freak out if someone tries to flirt with me, i never can tell if they are mocking me or are sincere.

I also keep friends at a distance. Some know whats happened, but most do not. So i feel i cant really justify why its so hard to do stuff.

I hope one day Ill stop this behaviour

[Blueberry]

Partners I push away, definitely. Potential partners, that is. That is all there is to say really. Flirt? Date? Even the words frighten me. I never did any of that as a teen, I never learnt how.

[Liminality]

Like you Aphotic, I used to fawn and pull and please as much as I could, and was taken advantage of by friends and romantic interests alike. So now I push everyone away and isolate myself as much as humanly possible. I feel I'm too much of a mess anyway to impose on a partner, seeing as I can barely deal with myself on a good day.

Friends I keep at a distance also, communicating through internet mostly, staying at home and doing my own thing, and also disappearing for unknown periods of time when I'm overwhelmed or feel people are getting too close. It's a bit of a vicious circle sometimes as I usually do everything I can to be invisible/not part of people's lives, then struggle because I'm feeling invisible/unheard.

[Lilfae]

Partners I push away, definitely. Potential partners, that is. That is all there is to say really. Flirt? Date? Even the words frighten me. I never did any of that as a teen, I never learnt how.

I never learned how to do that either. My friends insist it's easy and that I should do it. I don't want to.

[Blueberry]

My friends insist it's easy and that I should do it. I don't want to.

I note at the "insist it's easy" I forgot to breathe briefly, which means flirting and dating are anything but easy for me. My friends don't try anything any more about "Why don't you have a boyfriend/partner? " Maybe it's the benefit of age?

I don't want to do it either, so I don't.

Getting back to aphotic's original question, I guess I push friends IRL away too when I'm feeling really bad and/or I'm frightened of being judged by them for having got myself back in a depressed state or still being in one.

[woodsgnome]

A few years ago, I wandered around a couple of dating discussion groups  on the web. I found some discussion threads where the question posed was along the lines of...if you found someone who had some depression or mental health concerns in their background, would you still be open to dating them? Of course it didn't fully define what 'mental health concerns' really meant, but it was still disappointing to read some of the nasty put-downs of people who have had some difficulties along those lines.

The results were overwhelmingly very negative--as in absolutely not, most would never consider meeting anyone who admitted to having had a rough time, say with child abuse/neglect/abandonment, etc. Elsewhere of course was  another thread where there was a heated discussion about 'why can't people just be honest'. Oh well.

[AphoticAtramentous]

AphoticAtramentous:  "I've just kinda given up on the plan of ever dating someone."

That pretty much reflects my feelings, partly aided by my self-selected remote living location. However, those women I do cross paths with often express intrigue with this life, too (and with me)  --some have hinted they'd do lots to live like I do; so while it usually doesn't result in dating beyond the pen pal stage these days, there was a several-year exception.

And we tried. And...like Aphotic Atramentous, EFs seemed to flutter in and intimacy was likely to end up with my 'freaking out', for lack of a better phrase. Well, we kinda stayed as friends after due to our strong mutual interests, except...well, yeah--that intimacy/EF drag interfered.

So dating remains in my enormous disappointment file. There's still sort of a push/pull to my feelings, but based on my previous 'except-for-that' relationship, I'd be wary of venturing onto that road again. Is what it is--and I'm so sick of saying that about so much. Try again gets old quick.

It can get real tiring after a while with EFs affecting relationships and friendships so much. :S I guess you just get to a point where you're over trying lol, yeah. Hopefully one day we will heal and not have to deal with those EFs anymore, maybe then we can go searching for a relationship but for the time being it feels better to be alone... it does for me at least.

A few years ago, I wandered around a couple of dating discussion groups  on the web. I found some discussion threads where the question posed was along the lines of...if you found someone who had some depression or mental health concerns in their background, would you still be open to dating them? Of course it didn't fully define what 'mental health concerns' really meant, but it was still disappointing to read some of the nasty put-downs of people who have had some difficulties along those lines.

The results were overwhelmingly very negative--as in absolutely not, most would never consider meeting anyone who admitted to having had a rough time, say with child abuse/neglect/abandonment, etc. Elsewhere of course was  another thread where there was a heated discussion about 'why can't people just be honest'. Oh well.

lol I mean, #%^&@, I wouldn't want to date me either!  
We're a handful I must admit, unfortunately. But I'm really grateful for the few people that put up with me, or put up with those that have had those difficulties in their lifetime. They have patience and an open mind that I'm thankful for. ^^ And I try to be the same in return. Most of my friends I've had are like that, had/have depression, bipolar, the list goes on... but they seem to be the people that are most appreciate of another person's company, in my opinion. So that's nice.
Thanks for the replies.

Ive also given up the thought of finding a partner. I cannot give a guy the intimacy that usually comes with a relationship. So I push.  I also freak out if someone tries to flirt with me, i never can tell if they are mocking me or are sincere.

I also keep friends at a distance. Some know whats happened, but most do not. So i feel i cant really justify why its so hard to do stuff.

I hope one day Ill stop this behaviour

I do the same with my friends, Lilfae. I only have one close friend, I find it really difficult to try and get closer to people and I don't even think I WANT to get closer to people. lol People are scary. 

Partners I push away, definitely. Potential partners, that is. That is all there is to say really. Flirt? Date? Even the words frighten me. I never did any of that as a teen, I never learnt how.

Ah, same here Blueberry. It's all so foreign to me. There's all this 'dating etiquette', some people getting frisky on their third date which seems like an impossible feat for me. I had one guy who 'sensually' kissed me on the second date and it scared me into never talking to him again. Oops... :S

Thanks for all the responses guys, and sorry for such a late response. My head is in pieces lately!

[Mixxa]

  Well I found my people I think and it makes me want to cry.

I was a puller. Desperate to be loved and accepted and cherished. And it led to years of extra abuse. When I started pushing I actually had better luck with dating which kind of grosses me out now. I did manage to find someone after 8 years alone. But he's not exactly super mentally healthy either. I have to check in (sometimes often) to make sure I'm not turning into my mother and abusing him.

But I also have no friends. And not like "oh I only have one or two people" style. I mean none. Except for my husband. I can hang out with someone for a while and then I run away. Because they failed some unexpected mental test and I see my mom or my sister or my exhusband in them. Or I feel like I did something horrible and shameful (relaxing is dangerous, I share too much) and have to hide.

[Blueberry]

A very warm welcome to you Mixxa!   

I'm sorry that you're suffering from the beast called C-PTSD to such an extent that you run away from all potential friends in real life. I used to do that to a certain extent (now it's just from potential partners). So I do remember what it's like. Not fun. Very lonely. Very sad-making.

Shame is a big topic for lots of us with C-PTSD, so yes, you undoubtedly have found your people. I hope you stay here, continue reading around what interests you and start to post when you're ready so we can get to know you and support you. Then you'll get friends on here, at least. For some of us this forum is where we are almost daily for support and kindness and sharing.

If you copy your post over here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=10.0 on the Welcome Board for new people, more people will see that you have joined and can respond. Unless that's too overwhelming and makes you want to hide.  Go at your own pace here.

If it's not too much for you, a safe