does it count?

[tea-the-artist]

TRIGGER WARNING: i try not to be explicit here, but there's obvious mention of sex

i've been gone for a while and only an hour ago felt i had to log in and write this. i was having an active daydream just then about being in therapy and i seemed to be unpacking events from when i was a senior in high school.

i had a boyfriend at the time that i became close to too quickly after less than a month of facebook chatting and at some point i went over to his house with him and kind of quickly things got sexual. i'm really struggling to call it "abuse" and even "assault" because we were both 17 and because neither lead to "actual sex," but rather orally and almost "the other way" if that makes sense.

neither of the two times i really felt like i wanted to do those things. the first i went along with for reasons i'll label as "internalized homophobia" for now and don't want to go further to talk about that in this post.  the second we stopped because it'd seemed like it might be too painful.

but both times i felt really humiliated. looking back i know after spending almost a year on this site, that it's rooted in previous childhood trauma where i felt a compulsion to be "of service" to someone i thought i liked (though looking back i know i didn't feel any real genuine romantic compassion towards him other than wanting to please/make him happy despite my own wants/needs). back then i never wanted to and even still now i don't know if it counts as anything at all. even though while in this unpacking daydream i broke into tears and cried for so long and felt the same teenage grossness and shame and humiliation i'd felt back then.

this isn't something i've ever told anyone other than my friend Peach and have never made any moves to really unpack this and analyze and process it the way i did with the rest of my trauma. i don't know where to start but again i also don't really know if it's worth it or if it even counts as sexual trauma or abuse. there's other aspects of our short relationship that make me feel it is but i'll save it for my journal if i ever work up the energy to start processing that. i feel like i've been pretty good at keeping away any self-invalidation in regards to the emotional neglect and abuse i dealt with from childhood and throughout my teens and even now, but this one thing. i just can't seem to do the same even though the thoughts/memories cause me distress and discomfort and give me bouts of sex repulsion that go on and off. any help or insight or anything really would be appreciated

[Three Roses]

Without going into too much detail, to avoid triggering you further, I'll just say that yes, it most definitely "counts".

[Blueberry]

tea, I don't know the answer to your question. In fact I skimmed a lot of your post because I've just come out of a bad place. But want to send you compassion and am hoping somebody with more clue gets back to you.
I'm sure it does count, and certainly whatever it was in your childhood set you up for what happened. What happened in your childhood certainly counts. 

There you go, 3Roses posted just ahead of me, with an answer.

[tea-the-artist]

three roses thanks for feedback. i don't really know where to begin and similar to previous trauma i think going into this and unpacking it will overall be really trigger and something for me to tread lightly i suppose, more lightly than the rest. is it bad to question the "validity" if i wasn't even forced and went on a compulsion? i'll do some research but i don't even know the questions i should really be asking

blueberry thank you too i appreciate it. no worries on skimming btw, but thank you for the compassion

[Three Roses]

No, it's not bad to question the validity, I have similar situations in my past. The neglect and abuse we receive as children affects our ability to make responsible choices and practice functional self care. Hang in there, kiddo!