Fear of mistakes/letting people down

[Maceo]

I don't think I'm a type A (though I know I should probably be the last to diagnose myself.) I don't have to have control of everything around me, I don't have to have the best job, house, car etc. but the things I do value (i.e. being effective in my job, volunteer work, friend and relationships etc) I find I leave no room for error. The small thing that set me off today was that I was tutoring a student (privately for $) and due to the short notice, did not prepare as well as I should have, and made an error in instructing a calculation on one of her homework problems. I caught it (after she went to class), emailed/apologized, and gave the correct info, but as I wait to hear back I find myself getting really worked up. She paid me for services and I failed her. And there goes the critic right?

I know, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, I should learn to be centered enough that I can accept this and not need a "you're forgiven" email to let it go.

What I find even more disturbing/disappointing about myself though is that, it's not so much the fear of error, but the fear of getting caught making a mistake that scares me. Today I'm bound to be caught (she'll get the homework problem wrong)  so I know that's not applicable in this situation, but I thought it something worth including. For example, if she figured out the right answer, I would not admit my error and would not be worried at all, because she would not even know that I screwed up.

It's a trivial example, but that's part of the problem because little things happen all the time. Perhaps I just need to become better at keeping things in perspective?

Any thoughts/feedback/suggested reading (or even knowing I'm not alone/crazy) would be incredibly helpful. As always, I appreciate this forum and just having the space to share these things. Thank you.

[JayDubs]

I have to confess that I love the things you care about.   We all make mistakes.  Makes us human.  Maybe our critics could take a break and go for coffee or something?  Just give us some time alone.  From an outsiders perspective, you did nothing wrong except meet your own expectations.  You even tried to rectify it.  What more could someone do?   Doesn't even sound like something you need to be 'forgiven' for.

[Three Roses]

Yes, this is a big one for me. If I feel like I'm wrong, or that I've made a mistake, it's the feeling of being threatened. I am in fear for my safety. This is because when I would make mistakes I would be attacked, physically or verbally. My 3rd grade teacher had me stand at her desk and face the class, and told all my classmates to point and laugh at me. My F once slapped my face for blowing on my soup to cool it down. (I'd just come from the dentist and was still a little numb, so I was being careful not to burn my mouth. For the first time ever, I have had the revelation that this was also a slap for practicing self care - I'd never realized that before now.)

It's hard to convince myself that I'm safe, when I make a mistake. But, I can do it, by recognizing I'm probably having an EF or emotional flashback, and taking steps to counter it.

Thanks for this thread, good to talk about.

[JayDubs]

Thanks Three Roses.    I can relate to that level of it too.  My fight or flight response kicks in with many situations like this.  I wish it didn't.  Think I have a long journey ahead...and you made me think of quite a few dentist stories unrelated to the original post.

[Piou]

You're not alone in this.

I have trouble with this too, like I'm so scared of making mistakes/"failing" in front of others (which is one of the reasons why I isolate so much). Some of my relatives would point out any of my shortcomings out loud to humiliate me and this made me feel like I had  to be perfect, never fail, never make mistakes. I realize this now and hope I can work on it somehow because it's very limiting in a way, like if I know I'm not that good at something or don't know that much about something, I won't even try to do it if I know it'll involve other people.

So yeah, you're far from crazy if you ask me. I'm sure there are many people who struggle with this too.

[Gwyon]

Yes to all this. It shapes my moment to moment interactions.  And I need a lot of down time to recover from constantly walking the tight rope.

But here is an ironic up-side that I recognized not so long ago:  it is likely this fear of failure -- of being witnessed to fail -- that kept me moving forward over the years, when I would otherwise have given up and given in.