New to group

[Traveller]

Hi !
I am a ACOA & survivor of childhood verbal & emotional abuse as well as childhood sexual abuse. For various reasons when I was between 28 and 40, I sought therapy usually for depression and/or anxiety. Most would say I've been pretty successful & I do have a good marriage, work that I enjoy, 2 sons, and friends, but I have never felt good enough. Its always been a struggle to let people "really" know me, so even though I have always had friends none knew how anxious I was - I hide it well and few knew my family history.
Ironically, I am a therapist who does a lot of work with adults with childhood trauma so I knew there had to be something deeper that I wasn't dealing with. I had self-diagnosed myself as C-PTSD, worked on things on my own, & convinced myself that I was doing fine & in many ways I was.  Two yrs. ago I needed PT after a surgery & I started having body memories, intrusive thoughts, & my anxiety skyrocketed. When I couldn't get it together, I found a therapist who could help me work through the memories of sexual abuse that were surfacing. It's been a * of a journey, but I'm less anxious.
I have become very aware of how secretive I always been about my childhood history & my struggle with recovery. I hid my anxiety from everyone. So joining this forum is part of my attempt to come out of hiding. I'd like to connect with other people who "really get it".
Thanks for listening.

[Sceal]

Hello traveller
And welcome to the forum.

I can empathize with keeping the pain and the hurt a secret, it sure takes a toll. I hope that you will find connections here on you way to healing.

[Traveller]

Thanks for the reply. Even though part of me knows that the shame belongs to my abuser, it is difficult to not get sucked into that cycle of shame.

[Sceal]

Thanks for the reply. Even though part of me knows that the shame belongs to my abuser, it is difficult to not get sucked into that cycle of shame.

I was just reading in a book that my T recommended. And it was talking about the after effects of trauma. And that children of abuse often put the blame upon themselves, and shame themselves, because it is easier to carry the responsibility on ones own shoulder rather than believing that the entire world is inherently bad. In a way it gives hope that if the child works hard enough to prove him/herself, he/she too will be able to take part in the world that is good. But until then shame is overwhelming.

[Three Roses]

Hi traveler! Welcome   

[Traveller]

Hi Three roses & Sceal.  If you have time , Sceal I would love the title of that book. Another good book is called It's Not Your Fault by L. Engels. Two years ago the shame was overwhelming although it was always there below the surface. I'm still dealing with it, but it is so much better than it was.

[Sceal]

Hi Traveller,
The reason why I didn't give the title in the firs place is because the book doesn't exist in English.
But if you do happen to understand any of the scandinavian languages you might be able to read it. It's called "Mindfullness og Medfølelse" and it's written by Katinka Thorne Salvesen and Malin Wästlund both therapists.

[hank]

Shame must be central to why we, as victims, continue to victimize ourselves. That's a twisted way to love yourself.

My shame was handed to me as nobody else desires to understand what happened and slams the phone/door in my face about it. The constant critic, my other parent, destroys my sense of worthiness. That is a tough spot to be in, I must say. Yet expressing it here seems to relieve it of its power over me.

One moment at a time.

[Traveller]

Hi,
Shame certainly keeps us hiding our gifts & making ourselves smaller. In my family of origin It was safer to be small & hide rather than a target. But staying hidden gets too painful. I like the quote by Anais Nin "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Sceal, thanks for the book title even if I can't read it.

[Sceal]

Sceal, thanks for the book title even if I can't read it.

No trouble at all, maybe one day it'll come in English