Newbie here

[Sceal]

Hello, Ive just signed up after having a look around the forum a bit.

Trigger warning
My story started when I was 6. I was bullied and excluded at school for 10 years in varying degrees. I recall learning about thralls and serfs in school and I fullt believed that my worth was even lower than that. And that I was meant to serve everyone else, even at the cost of my health.  I still struggle with this belief that became a fundamental truth to me.

I dont know how old I was during the first few sexual assaults. They were done by an older girl. But I recon I was between 4, 5 or 6. I dont think she understood what she was doing or the consequences of her actions.
The next one was when I had turned 16. I  tried to tell my bf at the time I was scared and not ready. He manipulated and used psychological and emotional bullying to get what he wanted. My boundaries were already destroyed. I thought this is what I must endure to have a bf. This continued for 5-6 years. It took me a long time to accept that this was abuse. Any of this. 
Skipping over some stuff...
It of course made me into a easy prey for other men. The last one was a 1 year and 3 months ago. I have a hard time these days.
I would like nothing more to rise above and prove that they didnt destroy my life and that I do have some worth as well.. but its bordering being too difficult  to do. 
trigger warning end

I am sorry for the long post, i just.  Ive needed to put words to it all for sime time. I am scared though, but Ill try to avoid deleting all of this

[AphoticAtramentous]

The post isn't long at all, Sceal. If this post is counted as 'long', my posts would be novels! lol
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm sorry to hear what's happened. I hope you are in a safer environment now though, wish you all the best! ^-^

[Sceal]

The post isn't long at all, Sceal. If this post is counted as 'long', my posts would be novels! lol
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm sorry to hear what's happened. I hope you are in a safer environment now though, wish you all the best! ^-^

I wrote it on my phone late last night, and it felt like it was super long there and then. But seeing it now on the computer I see it wasn't long at all.
Thank you for saying hi!

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to the forum! brave of you to speak up. your bravery may help others find their own voice and begin to talk & heal, so thanks for joining! 

[Sceal]

Hello and welcome to the forum! brave of you to speak up. your bravery may help others find their own voice and begin to talk & heal, so thanks for joining! 

Thank you! I am still nervous about it, but I hope I will be able to own my own history intime, and that it will be easier to talk about if I practise more.

I find it easier to write,  especially in English since its not my first language, it makes it possible to distance myself a bit.

[Piou]

I also think you are very brave.
I can definitely empathize with your nervousness; I'm still quite new to all of this too.

Anyways, welcome!

[Sceal]

Thank you, Piou 😊Means alot

[Candid]

Just wanted to add my welcome here, Sceal, and tell you something you might find useful.

I too had a lot of unsuitable partners, for the same reason (no boundaries, feeling like I don't matter) as you.  When I was in my late 20s I confessed it to an older co-worker who was still gloriously and happily promiscuous herself.  She told me: "The only way I can live with it is by waking up a virgin every morning."  I slowed down at that point, because it stopped me thinking "What difference does one more make?" 

You certainly can "rise above and prove that they didnt destroy my life and that I do have some worth as well".  Like everything in life, it's just a head game.

Hugs to you, my courageous new friend.

[Traveller]

It is overwhelming when you start working on this stuff and the intensity varies. It's a lot of work but it can get better and you can rise above it. I know I have had days when I didn't believe that, but even though I still have stuff to deal with, I feel so much better than I have in the past.
If you haven't already done so, find a therapist who specializes in working with adults who have childhood trauma & C-PTSD.
Keep sharing. It helps.

[Sceal]

Thank you Candid.
Your friend sounds like she had a more healthy view upon life, at least a more fun one. If I understood it correctly. Though for me, I don't want any physical interactions anymore. But I do hope you're right, that I actually can. Thank you for believing I can.

*big hugs to you*

Thanks, Traveller for your message and sharing your thoughts. It is good to hear you are struggling less now than you did in the past. I don't know if I struggle less, I struggle differently than before. I do have a trauma therapist, and she's wonderful. I am just frightened she'll leave.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, a very warm welcome, and so glad you didn't delete.

i echo everyone who calls you brave.  you are.  this stuff is not easy to put into words no matter what the language, but i'm glad you have a little bit of a buffer to help you out. 

glad you're here.  big hug.

[Sceal]

Thank you Sanmagic

Your words are really nice to hear this morning, making it a better day already.