Sceal's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal's,

I found it emotional to read your journal entry describing your session with your therapist - just wanted you to know I read your journal entry and it was really nice to hear how your therapist shared her own thoughts with you - now I've started saying this, I feel 'tied-up' - but I'm trying to say that I think it sounds like a really positive and helpful interaction that you have with your therapist.  That's really good. 

I also wanted to wish you well with the food side of things.

Hope 

[rbswan]

But then, she said something surprising and out of the blue. She said that she always looked forward to her sessions with me. That she found our sessions interessting, and that I am motivated for change and do the work, even during the weeks when things are more challening than usual, or when I am unmotivated generally like I am now. I felt that she was telling me that I was an important patient of hers, and that she really enjoys my company and our conversations. She couldn't look me in the eye when she told me this, it made me think she was a little embarrassed to say it. I was stunned. And all I could muster was a quiet thank you. I will try and tell her next week that it meant alot for me to hear that. I am not good with voicing my emotions, or telling people that they matter to me, or what they say matter to me. But this mattered. And I've been thinking of it ever since.

I think this is so cool.  I've always heard that T's are supposed to be impersonal but think that it is important that they show genuine interest in the well being of their clients.  My T has expressed similar interest and it meant a lot to me, like she was invested in her work with me and a deep sense that I was heard.  It sounds like you found a good T for you and that you are both invested in the strong, brave and wonderful person that you are.  Good work and thank you for sharing.

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,
I hope it was a good kind of emotional read and not triggering for you!

Dear RbSwan
She has on a few occations said positive things about me. Such as that I am cognitively strong - which I took as a compliment. And I do think she meant it as one, although I can understand it sounds a bit weird. But it meant alot to me. She's also told me when she's been away on vacation that it's nice to see me again. Making me feel like I'm just another bothersome patient.

---- (maybe triggering?)
I'm so angry right now. I have this iron hot and cold ball with spikes of anger inside me. And everytime I breathe it feels as if it's spikes are tearing me open, filling me with sadness.
I didn't follow my eating plan today, because I didn't make it yesterday. I only planned for dinner. I cheated. And then when dinner came I ate too much. It feels as if my somach doesn't have enough room to expand, and I can't breathe properly.
I am going to the SA centre, I have an appointment. And I hate being there when I'm emotionally activated.
This anger is so intense, and it's so surprising. It's so full of self-loathing, and the desire to bad stuff is high. Incredible high. But I've got enough control to avoid it.
I have to go now, otherwise I'm going to be late.  I want to write more, but no time.

[Three Roses]

Hang on, together we can make it!

[sanmagic7]

i echo 3 roses, sceal.  we can do this together. 

so glad about what your t said.  i think it's great for a t to have some personality in a session, rather than just a kind of robotic listening mode.   

hang tough, honey.  we're hangin' right beside you.  big hug filled with comfort and love.

[Sceal]

Thank you guys. It's nice to hear someone is listening and cheering me on.

---

The anger laster for quite a long time, and my impulses to self destruct was high. But I had an appointment at the SA center, and that came first. And afterwards I was too numb to care. And my impulses were prevented.
I was frightened, sad and angry. And somehow at the same time, underactivated. It was hard to talk, it was hard to participate in the conversation. But little by little the anger evaporated. Turned into disgust with myself instead. We talked about alot of things. Amongst other things my network, or rather lack there of.
She suggested I join a group at the SA center. Meet up every thursday at 6. there's 3 other ladies in my age range.  I didn't say yes yet. But I also didn't say no.
I'm not sure what to do. We also talked about vulnerability. And the ability to be vulnerable with others, she asks if I push people away. And I suppose I do. Despite wanting desperatedly to be able to open up, to be vulnerable. I just.. don't. I'll admit to having a bad day, but nothing more than that. Not why, or what a "bad day" means to me. I'm an expert at avoiding talking about emotions and an expert of pushing the emotions away.
When I walked out of there I was numb. Nothing mattered.
I listened to some music to see if that helped, it didn't.

Today I feel raw. I will try and get my * out the door and down to town and get some art supplies. But I feel horrid. If there was a rock I could hide under and not come out from, I'd choose that.

[DecimalRocket]

I hope you do your best Sceal.

Vulnerability is incredibly tough and it often takes effort for anyone to have it. But it gets better along the way if you keep going.

Take care.

[sanmagic7]

all these emotions that are being stirred up can become overwhelming, sceal.  that is righteous anger you've got going, and you deserve to not only feel it but express it (so that it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, of course).  my favorite expression is pounding my bed, yelling/cussing/name-calling (sometimes just in my head if there are others in the house), but i know that people do it all different ways.  whatever works best - it's all personal and individual.

why did you feel disgusted with yourself?  just curious, you don't have to answer.  i didn't read anything that would suggest you deserved that kind of feeling. 

trusting others enough to be vulnerable with them takes time.  it's a process.  people show they deserve to be trusted by their actions and words.  when we get into a new relationship (including a support group situation)  it's gonna take time to trust.  personally, i think it might not be a bad idea to give that sa center group a go.  you can always leave, but i have heard (many many times) that when joining a new group, to give it a fair chance by attending at least 6 times (if possible).

i'm not trying to put any pressure on you - these are just my opinions.  i know you'll do what's best for you at the time.  i think you're doing well at expressing yourself here, talking about your emotions/feelings.   you're getting there.  i have faith in you.  sending a hug filled with patience for yourself, nurturing, and love.

[Sceal]

I have a big binder full of things and suggestions I can do in relation to emotional stress, or being overwhelmed. And I tried some of them, but yesterday and today... They didn't really work. Physically I get all numb, inactive. I mean - I move around if I have to, or have a purpose. But mostly I don't have any strength - even when I'm angry. So pummeling the bed doesn't work. I only yell in traffic at other drivers (not road rage). I have a hard time raising my voice in general.

Why I'm disgusted with myself? Because of my body. It's size, it's needs, it's reactions. It's betrayal of me. That no matter how hard I try, I cannot make it function the way I need it to. It keeps breaking down on me, and I have no patience for it. I know I should be kinder to it, it's the only one I got. And it's not going to get any better the more I hate it. It's just so deep seethed, it's been like that since primary school. Since the bullying, since the first SA assault, since the kid next door made me watch porn as a kid. And I'm disgusted that my mind isn't strong enough or powerful enough to be brainy. That I can't compare or compete with the "normal kids".  I know it's not my fault, not really. But it's not how I feel. And it's so hard to voice. To say out loud.
It makes me feel as if I am looking for pity, which I am not.

My psychologist doesn't know I go to the SA center. I'm not sure why I've kept it hidden from her. I don't know if it'll interefer with the treatment she gives me and the group I'm inolved with the psych. clinic. I know that certain treatments do not encourage to do multiple treatments at the same time - due to overwhelm and overload. And generally the concept that multitasking doesn't make things more efficiant, but rather it makes doing the things of less quality.

Thank you for the nurturing hug. I hope your recovery from the surgery is improving each and every day.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

i think it would be a good idea to tell your psych., to discuss if there might be any interference, why you like going to the group, etc.  i believe that if we want to get the most out of our therapy, our best move is to be upfront and honest.  your psych may think it's a great idea for you to have such support.  just my opinions.

disgust with our bodies - well, that's pretty common.  it's very sad, but common.  since i got sick, my body blew up and stayed there, feeling like it's not my body at all.   on my better days i'm ok with it.  on my not such good days, i feel ashamed of it.  (whoa, that's a new thought just this moment.  ashamed - i haven't felt much shame in my life).

thank you so much for writing that as it put me in touch with something i was out of touch with before.  there's a perfect example of how we impact others just by writing about ourselves.  yeah, it's a disgusting thought, that i'm ashamed of my body.  it's gone thru so much for me and continues to keep me alive.

hang tough, sceal.  we'll get there.  big hug.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there, sending some support to you as well.  if that's okay.

I have some disgust with my body too. I have a certain disorder that can make me hypersensitibe to noise enough that it can give me panic attacks in a crowd as well as physical exhaustion. I'd get tough on myself on being so sensitive this way.

I hope I'm not hurting you in any way by saying this, but being strong or brainy doesn't mean you'll be happy. There are lots of people out there that use their special strengths to gain attention — but it never becomes enough — because they place their value on what they do than who they are. People tell me I'm smart, but it rarely ever seems to be enough to me. But if by hearing that, it doesn't change how you're feeling at all – that's alright too.

It's hard really — to be kind to yourself. But we can try together, right?

Thanks for being so open about something so difficult.

I'm new to this comforting thing so if I do anything wrong, please tell me.

Take care.

[Blueberry]

Why I'm disgusted with myself? Because of my body. It's size, it's needs, it's reactions. It's betrayal of me. That no matter how hard I try, I cannot make it function the way I need it to. It keeps breaking down on me, and I have no patience for it. I know I should be kinder to it, it's the only one I got. And it's not going to get any better the more I hate it. It's just so deep seethed, it's been like that since primary school. Since the bullying, since the first SA assault, since the kid next door made me watch porn as a kid. And I'm disgusted that my mind isn't strong enough or powerful enough to be brainy. That I can't compare or compete with the "normal kids".  I know it's not my fault, not really. But it's not how I feel. And it's so hard to voice. To say out loud.

Sending support too  Since so many bad things happened to you and your body, it doesn't surprise me that you don't like it very much or feel disgusted by it. I don't mean I think you should, but that I think it's quite common for us with C-PTSD. I feel less disgust at my own body than I used to, so it can get better. Various members of FOO felt ashamed of my body when I was just a child and they showed /expressed this. There might be something similar going on with you. So it's quite possibly not your shame.

Looking back to Nov. 1st entry, it sounds as if you're working really hard and making progress  then maybe a little step back or two, that's normal for us. Standing with you. 

[Sceal]

I would like to reply to all of you. And I will try to do so tomorrow.
But right now, I just need to talk about today.

*potential TW for those who struggle with food*
I'm not so angry anymore. Or I suppose I am, deep under the surface, under lock and key. I am more numb now. Last week's emotion took it's toll on me, and I did what I do best... push it all away. Avoid it.
I had my session today. She adviced against joining a group at the SA centre right now. Maybe later, once I'm done with DBT.
We spent the majority of the time talking about food. It was hard, it was incredible hard. We went over every little thing that I ate the last 7 days, and why I ate it, and why I waited for so long, or why I didn't plan it out properly. Or what I feelt, my reactions. It was hard. Come day 4 I couldn't continue. There was too much shame, too much feeling like a failure. It wasn't my T's fault, it's my need to please. My need to do as I'm told, my need to impress.

She asked me about my plan for the second day, what I thought of it. I said I thought it was more than I usually eat, but that it was alright. I felt it was better than the others. She told me thought it was too little food. That was the same day I had calculated the kcalories, and yes... it's to little. It was barely above a 1000kcal for that day. I know, I KNOW 1000-1200 kcal a day is too little. Yet, unless I eat buns, pasteries or crisps I find it incredible hard to eat enough food. I know that it's screwing up my system. It's not really something I think about. I don't usually go around thinkin "I need to skip this meal" or "I'll just push it another hour.. maybe the hunger will go away." I used to, but that's a while ago now. This planning my meal and documenting it, it's putting on a lot of stressors. A lot of fear and confusion and shame. But I have to push through it, I need to learn. I need to teach my brain and my body to eat enough food. And to be aware of what happens when I get restless or very emotional right before a mealtime.

I will try to do better this week. I will try and remember what she said. To stop up, notice what is happening, and let it happen. The feelings are okay. I've only learned to act on anger in one way. It's to turn it all inward on myself, regardless if I was at fault or not. Regardless if I was even involved. And then I would SI. And when I couldn't do that anymore, I guess, perhaps.. maybe I turned to food instead. It remains to be seen.

When we got halfway through day 4, she stopped. And we stood balancing on one foot while counting instead. To make me come down from the intense amount of shame I was feeling. I couldn't look at her, I barely spoke up. I was rubbing my hands raw. And she helped me out of it. After the worst of the shame got lessened, I just felt nauseaus so we threw a ball. It was the most surrealistic thing. I never thought I was ever going to throw a ball back and forth with any psychologists in their office... Ever. But it helped. It grounded me. The nausea went away, and I could focus on her again. We didn't talk more about food. She let me borrow her ball. It's a massage ball, one of those pointy ones.

End of TW

I apologize if I give too much information, or write too long posts. It... just helps me remember. To process. And all of your feedback and support is invaluable. Thank you for listening to me. Really! I feel really like a self centered *, writing here all the time. But I try to remind myself it's my journal, and it's okay.

[Blueberry]

I know what you mean about long posts because I do long posts too. Mine help me remember and even help me process, make realisations and ultimately heal. I know the Moderators prefer shorter posts but it doesn't always work out that way and they've posted that that's OK too. Especially in your Journal you don't need to apologise.

I think becoming self-centred is part of some of our healing. Maybe even for all of us. Because e.g. in my case for so long my feelings were really revolved around FOO and rejecting of myself. Now I'm learning to accept myself and move FOO of centre-stage.

Your post reminds me that I did some unhealthy eating today too, among all the points of progress. So thank you for that.

Your therapy on eating sounds really gruelling. I think I would go bananas! So good on you for making it as far as you did. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, that really did sound gruelling.  i didn't think your post was too long.  as you know, i do the same for myself when i need to.  it is your journal, and it is ok.

i love words, and have found that choosing and using certain words has helped my brain be more accepting of myself - something i sorely need to recover from all this.  in your post, i noticed that you said something about trying to do 'better' this week.  that word, 'better', has a judgment quality to me.  good, bad, better, worse - all judgments.

would it help you with your self-acceptance if you changed those types of words to one word - 'different/ly'.  this week i'm going to do things differently, i'm going to make a different plan, i'm going to look at my eating in a different way.  does that make sense to you?  do you think it would be helpful?   just a thought when i read the word 'better'.  those kinds of words have now become red flags for me.

wishing you the best with your food/eating project this week.  sending a warm, loving hug filled with self-acceptance and no judgment.