Sceal's Journal

[Blueberry]

I want to thank everyone who's been commenting on my journal. Everyone who's been so supportive and friendly. Your words and love has meant the world to me these past weeks. I've learned alot from all of you on the forum. I really have! Thank you, thank you so much.

Dear Sceal,
Just in case you're still reading on here: you're really very welcome to have all you got on here which includes my words too. I'm so glad you feel you've learned lots on here. I'm sad you're going because I liked reading your posts, but of course you do what's best for you! Maybe we'll see you again here.

Perhaps it is healthy to slowly start feeling the anger and perhaps that will lead me towards further progress.

this sounds very healthy to me, especially going slowly so as not to be overwhelmed by it. IME it leads to progress. I so hope that for you too.

... And I've come to the conclusion that I feel like I don't fit in. In society, amongst my friends, or here on the forum. ....  I struggle with more than c-PTSD, I got a PD (No not BPD or NPD) and depression. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There's no one really to talk about this. Yes, I got my T. But my T and I have so much ground to cover, and with such limited time. I can't bring it all up.

I'm really sorry you feel this way, as if you don't belong. FWIW I never had the impression you don't belong on the forum. But I know you wrote you're good at covering it up.

I need to find a way to accept that people wont accept me for this. It hurts. I'll admit that. I don't know how to find this way.
But I will take some time away to do so like I wrote in another post, I don't know if it'll be days or longer.

for the pain you're in. Good luck finding a way, maybe even finding acceptance within yourself. Good travels anyway! 

[Sceal]

*** TW *** SA and self-loathing

I don't think I am back.
But I need to sort my thoughts, and I tried writing in my journal. And I just ended up having imaginary conversation with people who aren't present which doesn't solve anything.

If this becomes somewhat coherent I'll translate it back to my native language and give to my T.

After starting the DBT, I've noticed something. I'm angry. I can feel the anger just underneath the surface. The loathing and disdain. And if I am honest, I don't even know what it is that I am so angry with.
I should say I am angry with my bullies, but I'm not. I deeply believe I deserved those years. I deserved the namecalling, I deserved the punches, being pushed, being bombarded with itchy powder beneath my clothes. I deserved being picked last during school activities. I deserved being ignored and pushed out of social activities.  Why? I don't have an intellectual answer to that. What was it that I did that made me deserve all of that? I don't have an answer for it. I didn't do anything. Maybe, that was the problem. That I didn't fit in. That I didn't do anything to fit in. But they weren't all that different from me either.
Why hate? It's such a negative emotion. It fuels so much, requires so much. It's exhausting and it leads to nowhere. So I don't hate.

And if I am honest, which is a frightful thing to be about this. And also confusing, because I'm in several minds about this. A part of me learned, was formed to believe, and moulded to believe I deserved nothing better than SA as well. That sex is not something I should enjoy. It's not for me. My body it's not mine, it's just for loan. It's for others to use. I just happen to be the silent witness stuck in it. I should be angry about this. And a part of me is. A part of me is angry that I was moulded into believing this. A part of me is angry at the men who took advantage. A part of me is angry that it happened. But most of all I am angry with myself. Both for letting it happen, over and over and over again. I'm angry for forgetting details. I'm angry for not reporting. I'm angry for not standig up for myself. But most importantly, I am so incredible angry for believing that I am someone worthy of any other fate than this.
I am angry that I have to accept this. I am angry that there are things that needs to be accepted.

And I'm angry for other things.
I am angry about the body I am stuck in. I am angry at my lazy behaviour. That I'm tired and worn. that I have little willpower. That I can't say all the words that I want to say. That I need to say.

But there's so much to be angry about, and it's so confusing. Because it's not clear lines, they merge and they mix. And they are hypocritical and they are oposites. So, I push it deep, deep down.
So deep down I can only feel the tip of it, and only occationally.

I felt it today. The pure self-loathing.
What brought it on? I was with my mother and my sister. Baking for the Christmas holiday. Knowing that neither of them wanted to be present. It was a chore, the atmosphere wasn't positive... it was strained. Without any clearcut reason for me to figure out. I tried, i worked hard to keep the mood up. Dancing to christmas music on the radio. Smiling and joking, and helping out with chores when others were stuck with theirs. My knees were aching for standing for so long on hard surfaces. And I had two or three cookies. Before my sister gave me a lift to the busstop my mom commented on how much weight my sister appear to have lost. And that's when I felt it. The self-loathing. I had three cookies. I had a newly baked christmas bread in my bag. I was so angry for not being able to resist temptations. So angry. So loatheful that I was having a hard time keeping my tears away there I sat in the darkness waiting for the bus.  I am not sure if I can describe it well enough. It was tangible. And I couldn't let go.

I am not good enough. I'm not successful. I'm a failure - telling me otherwise isn't helpful.

And as I sit here I wonder.
Where does the self-loathing come from? Was it once upon a time a self-preservation technique that eventually got out of hand? It's not too far fetched to think so. I believed I was worth less than slaves, less than the dirt people walk on.  It helped me understand why I was suddenly treated so poorly, and why no one spoke up for me.

So what do I do with it? Do I stay with it, or do I start working to give myself some self-compassion? How on earth am I supposed to do that when I truly do not believe I deserve compassion? Working towards something that I am so against...

I feel tongue-tied. I feel trapped. I feel like there's two of me and they are fundamentally disagreeing on their core believes.

[Sceal]

I don't believe I will share this with my T.
What will I gain from that.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i hear you, and my heart is with you. 

all i know is that as babies, we don't hate ourselves, we don't hate what we do, what we think, or how we are.   i believe we are born innocent of hate, of self or others.  so, it must come from somewhere else, from people bigger, stronger, and louder than our own baby beliefs to turn us against ourselves like that.

i also believe that as your anger continues to boil up, it will find the correct direction to be headed.  hopefully, your t will help you with that.  we deserve to be angry for what happened to us.  sometimes we don't always know where to put it, so we turn it inwards. 

but, i can feel you fighting, sceal.  hang tough, honey - we're hangin' right beside you.  personally, i think this would be very good to show your t.  i think it would be insightful and helpful to them.  but, i support whatever you choose to do, always.  thanks for sharing this.  warm, loving hug to you.

[Blueberry]

I don't believe I will share this with my T.
What will I gain from that.

IME with a T i trust, the more my T knows about what's going on the better s/he can help me.

I hear you in your anger and in your conflicted feelings. I know them well too, unfortunately. Standing with you. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, Sceal. I have no special words, other than I'm listening and I'm beside you with this. 

[Sceal]

I've decided I'll continue writing in my journal. But for now, I don't think I'll be reading or commenting on any other posts. Though I am thinking of you all.

Thank you all for your replies 
I changed my mind, and listened to you guys. I translated the letter and gave it to her.

She was very quiet when she read it.  But at one point she made a small sound. One I interperted as sadness.
I don't remember so much of what we talked about. The details, maybe it'll come back to me later. But I know we talked about anger.
And we talked about conflicting emotions. But we didn't touch upon the subject of bullying or SA. Although it was the closest thing I've ever actually said anything about it to her. Part of me worries we'll never get to talk about it. She said at the end that we need to talk about the emotions, and I need to be able to control them before we go any deeper.
This is going slow. Is it supposed to? To go this slow?


The new exam date was available today. I had hoped it'd be in may. That way I would have plenty of time. To read, to study. To take it slow. But it's at the end of February. My stress levles went through the roof, and I needed some support. So I called my parents and I lied. I said I failed. This was the plan all along. But they were so supportive. I said I was worried I'm simply not smart enough to be at university. And my Mother who near as never give me any credit for anything, told me she had no trouble believing that I am smart enough.  And then she continued saying that I've had so much on my plate, and I'm struggling and that she knows and that. Which took me aback. Because I've never said anything. I've kept my tongue as always. And I've tried my best to keep my stress levels under control around her.

However, due to the stress and I suspect their support, I did manage to read almost a whole chapter today. Albeit the first one, and it might be a little easier than the rest. But I did it. And I plan on reading more tomorrow too.

Thursday I leave for the abroad with a group of friends. I'm stressed. I only know a part of the group. And they are all working people in decent to good jobs. And money most likely wont be a problem for them. But for me it will. I do have a savings account, yet I hate spending money on things I don't need to. Like taxi, fancy restaurants and such. The hotel it self was more pricier than I'd pay for a week-end away. I don't want to spoil the week-end. But I don't want to be overly stressed about financials before and after the trip either. In January my medical bills reset and I have to pay a lot of money each week for about 6 weeks before I get my free medical card again.

Otherwise.. I am okay. I am still unable to do as much as I'd like. I have little to no purpose in my life, and I'm exhausted most of the time. But I'm not hypervigilant. Which I call a win.

[Blueberry]

It's good to see you back on here, Sceal! 

Do what you need to do for you. Our own healing has priority, and that's what you're doing by writing in your Journal.

I hope you enjoy your time away. I can relate about the money worries. But I hope you can push them to the back of your mind or right out of it  and enjoy the time and profit from it.

[Three Roses]

It's great to hear from you! And wow, that's great what your m said   

[sanmagic7]

sceal, very good to hear from you. 

you don't need to post anywhere you don't feel like it.  you won't be judged.  do what's best for you - that's all anyone could want.

glad your mom said some pos. things to you - it's easy to see you're intelligent in how you write, that you're bilingual and can translate from one language to another, and that you reflect on suggestions/opinions with an open mind.  not everyone does that.

i understand what your t is talking about with getting at those emotions and helping you with them so you can feel and express them appropriately.  yes, i do believe that these parts of the process need to go more slowly so that you don't become overwhelmed.  be patient with both the process and yourself.  you'll get there. 

thanks for sharing this with us.  sending a hug filled with warmth and love. 

[Sceal]

Thank you, San. For your words and your affirmation.

I do feel a little guilty I'm not able to follow your threads and journals. I just need more strength. I easilly care too much, and invest too much emotionally towards others. Even towards people I don't personally know.  I guess I am practicing emotional boundaries for myself.

I am doing that towards this other girl in the group too. I ended up socializing with her after group last week along with another person. I am not going to get into the things what she said, but she was lying. A lot. And she did it in a way that makes me think she wants me to be impressed with her or respect her, and to get sympathy from the other person. I'll be honest, it makes me distrust her and dislike her even more. And I am going to try avoid any socialization with her as much as possible, without being rude.
I'm meeting her again tomorrow, it's group again then. I'm not sure if it'll be accidental socialization again, or not.  I would like to be able to feel I am safe in group, and that the things I say there wont be used against me again. But we'll see, maybe it'll hurt less if I don't care about the person using my stuff against me.

I did socialize with my parents and my sister today. Went to the christmas market. It was nice. And at the end my mother surprised me again with a hug. She never hugs me, or my sister. I recently asked my sister if she's ever seen our parents hug or show any affection for each other. Her answer was no - the same as me. I've always wondered about this. I wonder if growing up with the lack of show for intimacy might also be part of why I don't like physical contact. I mean, looking outside the obvious reasons of trauma.

I also managed to do some studies. And the night is still young, hopefully I'll dare to try and draw some.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, no need for guilt.  primarily, we're here for our own recovery.  i don't always post responses to others if i don't have the energy.  take your time.  if the day comes when you feel like responding, that's the day to do it.  otherwise, dang, we're all in the same boat. 

wow about your mom and the hug.  it's a good 'wow'. 

i remember when i was working with adol. girls, and we had an art therapy class (with an art teacher).  these girls all carried a lot of tension, and i suggested, while they were working on their class assignment, that i do a little shoulder/neck massage, just for a few minutes.

some were fine with it, enjoyed it, but some flatly refused.  they were adverse to touch.  most of them had not experienced pos. touch in their lives.   as the semester went on, seeing the other girls enjoying it, and those girls urging them to try it, several of them reluctantly allowed just a little bit of a neck rub.

it was difficult for them, but eventually they saw and felt the value of it.   i would guess it's a similar type of experience for you.  if you're not used to something, haven't had pos. experience with it, i would guess it's pretty normal to shy away from it.   

i think you're making some very positive steps here.  trusting yourself with that other girl in the group, keeping your own emotional boundaries, sorting through plans of action for the future - well done.  you're moving, sceal.  as long as you keep doing that, i truly believe things will fall into place.   sending a hug full of glad and smiles.

[Sceal]

You're right, San. I'll work on the guilt, maybe it'll fade. I just like to be there for others. It's just who I've been all my life. And it's strange to take more heed to myself. And be selfish. I've been selfish at home with my roommate (and ex), and I feel terrible for that. Because he deserves to be treated better. Just sometimes he annoyes the living daylight out of me. There are several reasons why we broke up. Most of the time it's fine though. I drove him to the airport today, he's going home for the holidays. And I'm revelling in the silence. I wish he'd visit his family more often.

My biggest dream, and it has been for years. Is to own a place of my own. One I can decorate, paint, refurnish all to my own liking. It's not looking like that's going to happen for the next few years, and it's wearing me down.

I just got home from a long week-end trip to Berlin with 5 other girls. 2 of whom I grew up with. The remaining girls I've known about for years, but not really known. Met on a few occations. It went surprisingly well. I didn't have any anxiety attack despite Berlin being crowded like no tomorrow. I stressed a little about economy, but not as much as I normally do. I managed to keep up the facade for 24hrs for 4 days straight. There  was no alone time, except for when I used the toilet or took a shower.
I worry I complained too much, or that I was boring or downputting. I hope I wasn't.
At one point my tights ripped open, and I had to walk through half of Berlin with one of my legs showing. I'm not comfortable with that, and it felt like I was exposing my * as well. I was wearing a dress so I hope I wasn't exposing anything at any point.
Alcohol was consumed. Vast amounts of unhealthy foods were consumed. And hours upon hours, upon hours were spent on the feet walking around.

When I got back home I was so over stimulated and overwhelmed I snapped at my roommate and we had an argument. It was uncalled for, it really was. I should have just said calmly I needed down-time.

I hadn't heard anything back from my "friend" after sending her a text message, a google hangout message and a snapchat. I considered calling her today, but since I didn't know how to keep my voice from being toxic and angry I sent her a text being somewhat abrupt. She finally answered. She said she was sorry that she hadn't replied me, and that my tent was whole and safe at her home. I asked if she wanted me to pick it up, but then we're back at silent treatment.  But still, I'd say it was progess.

I had a meeting with the wellfare money person today. I didn't expect her to be speaking a different language to me. I understood her perfectly, but I thought she was my nationality as we've had written contact and she's been writing in my language. It required some re-wiring of focus. We talked about the future, and I'm a little overwhelmed. There's courses that I can take that will help me and them to figure out my actual work-capabilities. How high % I actually function in long-term, and what sort of work I could aim for and work towards with my studies and otherwise.  It sounds good, but is it as good as they claim? I've heard a lot of different things, and last time I did one of those were in 2007/2008, and it was alot of BS.

I went to visit my parents today. I delivered a gift to my dad to hide before Christmas Eve, and I hung out with my mom. And it went well until my dad came home and she started being agressive and giving me looks as if I had to agree with her that he was being annoying and condesending which he wasn't at all. It exhausted me. I told him as much as he drove me home.

So much has been going on on such a short amount of time.

[sanmagic7]

 

i hope you can be patient with yourself thru all this, sceal.  sounds like you could use a break, some rest, some time and space for yourself.  you're doing so great, sweetie.  much love, strength, and support coming your way.

[Sceal]

  Thank you.
I will try to be patient. I'm still learning how to be.