Sceal's Journal

Started by Sceal, September 21, 2017, 07:06:32 PM

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Sceal

I am in two minds about writing tonight.

I went to the SA center again today. I took the elevator up, and then I went back down again.
I felt dizzy. I felt like I was going to faint. It was like I lost contact with myself. I knew where I was, I could see the surroundings. I just stood still. Waiting.
Eventually I went back up again. And I walked through the door.
It was difficult to talk. I felt dizzy still, and foggy. It cleared up after a while, and I could distance myself somewhat from what I was talking about.

*Trigger Warning*
She asked me pointed questions. About details, and I tried to talk around it. I got confused at some point, and I felt like all the truths merged together and it was hard to diffirensiate events from events. So I just said I didn't remember properly, like most of it was blocked out. I told her yes and no to the beginning of the last SA. No, not the last. The one before, the one from last summer. I told her how I acted afterwards, how my body wouldn't forget, but I did.
How I ended up in a trembling seizure surrounded by nothing but strangers at the other end of the country, and at one point - they pinned me down on a bed to try to stop the seizure, in a helpful way. The seizure was, in hindsight, "just" another reminder from my body. It was an anxiety attack. When they called the ambulance and I was no longer pinned down or surrounded by a huge crowd talking over my head about me, the trembling stopped. It was after that I started to wake up again. When I got back home again, I called my GP and I haltingly told her. Or I told her enough so that she could speak the rest of the words for me, and I could say yes.
I told the SA-center lady that when I next saw him was at the event, and that I hid under blankets and fabric at night in a locked car to avoid being found. That I kept myself so busy I got myself physically injured. And then I told her about the last time I did spend time with him.
It was a party, a private week-end gathering/party. I don't know how many we were, but less than 20, with the kids included. It was BBQ, it was bonfire, it was an outdoor jacuzzi (That's rare here where I'm from). And there were alcohol.
I don't drink alot. I can enjoy a glass or two of wine once in a while, but I rarely get drunk. Because I'm afraid what might happen when I do, because I'm afraid I wont be safe, because I'm afraid I wont be able to get home. There was drama in the group, not big and all over the place. But enough to keep people preoccupied. I was scared shitless. I had only recently started remembering again, and I had no option getting away from there. My car was busted.
So I drank. And I drank. I am uncertain if I've ever been as drunk as that.
I told the SA-center lady that I could barely stand on my two legs, and that he then took me for a stroll. Alone, away from everyone. And that I don't remember anything other than that. Which was a lie. I'm ashamed that I lied. But I am more ashamed of my memories. I told her I woke up with a huge lump at the back of my head, that was true. What was also true, is that I have no recollection what so ever of getting that lump. I don't remember hitting my head.

The truth is, I was wasted, I could barely stand on my own two feet. I needed support in order to walk. I was in no shape to give proper concent.
I know there was sex. What I can't remember is if I wanted it. But why would I want it? I was, and still am, terrified of him. If I wanted it, then it must have been for no other reason than self-harm, or believing so deeply that I deserve nothing better than be punished.
I am scared for both answers. I can still feel his hands.
I think I've spent the year blocking the memories of that week-end out. Because for a year now, I thought that the last guy I slept with was someone else. Someone I slept with, ironically, to get away from J.
It's messy. And it makes me feel like a ****.

I don't want these memories. I can't deal with more of these. I got enough. I got my T tomorrow. But I wont talk to her about this. Not yet.

Sceal

Yesterday was a good day.
My appointment with my T was good, productive. And I got a goal for the next week. My physiotherapist helped me with my back.
The sun was out, and I decided to go visit my parents. I secretly hoped they would still be away, so I could just sit in the garden and soak up the sun. But they were home, and so i went on a bicycle ride with my dad. I used my mom's el-bike, and I haven't been on a bike in years. But it was good. It was movement, it was nature, and it was sunny.
I went for a short stroll with a friend and his dog, also in the sun around a different lake.. more like a pond.
Then I came home and I realised I'd double booked two online appointments with two international friends. One ended up cancelling due to car trouble. And the other.. I expected we'd talk for an hour maybe. It ended up being 9 hours!
I don't think I've talked to anyone for 9 hours ever! But it was so amazing. So much laughter, and so similarities on how we are. It was great. I felt like my opinions and my thoughts and questions mattered.

I'm used to not sleeping alot. Or having broken sleep. But I always go to bed around the same time. Except for last night. I sat up until 5am. And today I am shattered. I'm painfully aware that I should be reading both about structuralism and funktionalism ( I don't understand anything) but I also need to read about Personality (which is of course much more interessting). But I got such a pressure in my head, and the occational headache. No concentration.

Though I am trying to tell myself that "Hey, it is okay. I am struggling alot right now. It is okay that I don't understand everything I read. Or don't remember it. The important part is that I am trying. And if I fail, then that means I got more time to study this subject for the next exam. I need to remember that I don't need to be perfect. I need to remember that I have a big handicap, and that's nothing to be ashamed of."  - and similar things like that. Mainly just telling me that I should do this because I'm curious, not because of someone elses imaginary expectations. I need to try and lower the expectations I believe others have of me, and my own expectations for myself. Maybe then things will be a tiny bit easier. Not sure how to do this though.

AphoticAtramentous

Been reading your entries, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened on those days. Truly very frightening experiences I must imagine. I sympathise with not wanting those kind of memories, hoping one day you'll wake up and you won't remember a thing, would feel like nothing ever happened.
I'm glad you had a good yesterday though at least. Really glad you had someone to talk to for that long! Wow, must have been good! :)
Don't be hard on yourself for your struggling though, as you said, you're trying, and if something doesn't go the intended way, that's okay.

sanmagic7

the first thought that came to mind was no matter what, you have nothing to be ashamed of.   if you're too drunk to give consent, it doesn't matter if you 'want' it or not - you're not in your 'right' mind, not able to know what to want or not want, not able to know what's healthy or not.  when we're out of our minds drunk, we can't possibly make decisions about what's good or bad for us. 

a gentleman would never take advantage of someone who is drunk and vulnerable.  it's on him.  there was a case not too long ago about a college kid who did this with a girl at a party.  he was found to be at fault totally.

my second thought was that last paragraph you wrote.  i hope you read it over and over until it becomes part of you.   it sounded like all the advice, suggestions, and positivity you need, and couldn't have been put any better by anyone else.  it showed me that you know exactly what is important for you.  practice and patience will help you own it.

you're doing great, sceal.  moving right along.  kudos to you for going thru that sa door.  for your courage and fortitude.  you rock!   sending a big hug filled with happiness for your progress.  yay!

Sceal

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 30, 2017, 11:28:59 PM
Been reading your entries, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened on those days. Truly very frightening experiences I must imagine. I sympathise with not wanting those kind of memories, hoping one day you'll wake up and you won't remember a thing, would feel like nothing ever happened.
I'm glad you had a good yesterday though at least. Really glad you had someone to talk to for that long! Wow, must have been good! :)
Don't be hard on yourself for your struggling though, as you said, you're trying, and if something doesn't go the intended way, that's okay.

Thank you Aphotic, For your warm words, and for reading my entries. I've been reading yours too :) I've had a lot of time to think about memories, especially during the times when I've been locked up in a psych ward. I have a lot of time lost, time I don't remember. But I've also lost a lot of time due to the things I do remember (the bad stuff I mean). I've lost alot of friends, and experiences. I don't want to forget, but I want to have the memories properly intergrated. So they become a thing of the past, and not the present and not a fear for the future for it all to happen again and again. I hope some day, I will be strong enough, and healthy enough to help others in my current position to heal.

It was a really nice talk. Although at times I lost track of what she was talking about. And at times I felt I do not really belong in the artist world, as I cannot achieve and produce like they do. But most of the time it felt wonderful to not be associated with being a trauma patient. And my curious, exploring and artistic side came through. I feel better about myself when I'm that person. It feels meaningful. It will probably be another 6 months until I skype her again. Such is our relationship. But I wouldn't trade it.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2017, 12:40:09 AM
the first thought that came to mind was no matter what, you have nothing to be ashamed of.   if you're too drunk to give consent, it doesn't matter if you 'want' it or not - you're not in your 'right' mind, not able to know what to want or not want, not able to know what's healthy or not.  when we're out of our minds drunk, we can't possibly make decisions about what's good or bad for us. 

a gentleman would never take advantage of someone who is drunk and vulnerable.  it's on him.  there was a case not too long ago about a college kid who did this with a girl at a party.  he was found to be at fault totally.

my second thought was that last paragraph you wrote.  i hope you read it over and over until it becomes part of you.   it sounded like all the advice, suggestions, and positivity you need, and couldn't have been put any better by anyone else.  it showed me that you know exactly what is important for you.  practice and patience will help you own it.

you're doing great, sceal.  moving right along.  kudos to you for going thru that sa door.  for your courage and fortitude.  you rock!   sending a big hug filled with happiness for your progress.  yay!
*TW*
I think part of me knows I shouldn't feel ashamed. But I'm so shameful of so many things, and I did choose to drink. I chose to drink so I wouldn't have to feel so much. Or so I could be better socially interactive, without fleeing in anxiety. I chose to drink to hide my fear, to hide my shame. And perhaps for other reasons I can no longer recall. But I do know I was also served far more alcohol by J especially - he always wanted me to drink. In more or less all of our interactions. And again, I'm not big on drinking. I don't like that loss of control that comes with it.  But I feel so ashamed. I feel it was my fault. That I lead up to it. That I somehow was involved.

I should re-watch the youtube video about consent that is called tea-consent. It replaces the concept of sex with tea, and it makes it so much more obvious where the lines go.
*End of TW*

I feel I need to re-read my last paragraph from the other day already. Somedays, like the other day when I wrote it, it's more plausible. It has a chance of it for ringing slightly true. But most of the time it just feels like it doesn't belong to me. That I don't deserve that kind of self-compassion. Today, is one of those days.
It's been a rolercoaster today.  Thank you for the hug, and a big hug back to you, Sanmagic! Thank you for your encouragement, it really do warm me.


--- Today---
I felt better, physically, today. No more headaches. I'm stiff now though, but I've been sitting far too much today.
I drove my roomie to work today, he's had a long hard week at work - so I wanted to be kind to drive him. Let him sleep an hour longer. But the drive was tense, I'm not quite sure why really. When I dropped him off, he sat in the car for a bit and asked me what was wrong. I said the usual "nothing, I'm fine". Which for me translate to : Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal. or " I don't want to talk about it". But as per usual, he pushed me. Not with ill intent, but he just wouldn't let me off the hook. And I started getting aggressive and half-yelling at him.
I didn't really mean to, it just overcame me. I think he got a little hurt, but I was feeling hurt and defensive too. And I felt he had no right to push me. Everytime he pushes me it makes me feel bad for not talking, and when he refuses to listen to me saying no, I don't want to talk about it. Or let it lie. or it's nothing to do with you. It makes me feel like my boundaries are being crossed. And no one likes that. It ended abruptly because he of course had to go to work.
I drove back home, but stopped halfway and wandered around on a sunny foresty path. I was highstrung on emotion (which is rare for me) and anxiety. The other people also out on their sunday walk bothered me. I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts and contemplation of my own behavior as well as be allowed to look at the beautiful nature. It was just a stroll. My body was heavy. I sent him a long text apologising for being unnesserily angry, and that I feel that we've somehow lost the ability to communicate with eachother. Which saddens me.
I do think he's part to blame each time we argue. It's not just me being impossible. But 9/10 times I end up apologizing. Even if it wasn't me who provoked.
Even if I'm the one in the right. I apologize for my emotions.

And it sucks.

but the stroll cleared up my head, for most part. I went back home and ate my feelings and watched two episodes of an old show before I got started on my studying. I've only done about 8 pages today. Not very good, but more than I did yesterday.

I am tired now. I am going to bed soon, I'm just waiting for him to come back so I can give him his Christmas present (yes, I know, it's months away. But he'll be gone for Christmas, and it's something he can start using today. So why not?)

sanmagic7

writing about the argument with your friend rang a bell with me.  my hub and i would bicker about that all the time.  i could see on his face that something was wrong, something was bothering him, but when i'd ask him what was going on, he'd tell me 'nothing'.

i knew it was a lie.  i can tell when there's something up with him, but for him to deny what i knew felt invalidating to me.  we talked, and i told him that if he didn't want to tell me, just to tell me that, and i'd respect it, that he didn't have to lie about it.  i said that it was clearer communication between us if we were honest.  he wasn't used to such honesty, and it was a bickering point many times in our relationship.

maybe you can talk to your friend about having a more honest communication, and explain that sometimes you don't want to share what's going on with you.  you could also ask him if he's ok with that.  maybe that will help repair any riffs between the two of you.

i don't know if this works for you or not.  just some thoughts from my experience with the answer 'nothing, i'm fine'.  i do hope this works out well for the both of you, and it can get mended.  big hug.

Sceal

That's a good point, Sanmagic. Sometimes I tell him things aren't okay, but I don't want to talk about it. Then he usually asks if he's done something to upset me. and I tell him it's nothing to do with him. Which it rarely does.

I will try to think about that in the future. I guess sometimes I come across as moody or distant without me really knowing so, and when he then asks me I have to check in on myself and then I notice things aren't great, and that sucks. It's like being reminded of a bad memory. I've explained this too him though, that I apprechiate he asking me once how I am, but when he repeats it it feels like he is pushing me into a corner, Maybe I need to remind of that. In a friendly manner that is.

I can understand that it must be frustrating for him though. Because I worry too when he's obviously not okay and doesn't talk about it.

AphoticAtramentous

QuoteI felt better, physically, today. No more headaches. I'm stiff now though, but I've been sitting far too much today.
I drove my roomie to work today, he's had a long hard week at work - so I wanted to be kind to drive him. Let him sleep an hour longer. But the drive was tense, I'm not quite sure why really. When I dropped him off, he sat in the car for a bit and asked me what was wrong. I said the usual "nothing, I'm fine". Which for me translate to : Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal. or " I don't want to talk about it". But as per usual, he pushed me. Not with ill intent, but he just wouldn't let me off the hook. And I started getting aggressive and half-yelling at him.
I didn't really mean to, it just overcame me. I think he got a little hurt, but I was feeling hurt and defensive too. And I felt he had no right to push me. Everytime he pushes me it makes me feel bad for not talking, and when he refuses to listen to me saying no, I don't want to talk about it. Or let it lie. or it's nothing to do with you. It makes me feel like my boundaries are being crossed. And no one likes that. It ended abruptly because he of course had to go to work.
Oh I know exactly how you feel there. I said that a lot when I was with my ex... and he'd always get so angry when I wouldn't tell him what's wrong.
But san has made a good point yes. :) If only I'd heard about that advice when I needed it a few years ago, haha. Could have saved me from so much trouble and annoyances.

QuoteI've only done about 8 pages today. Not very good, but more than I did yesterday.
May not seem very good to you but if it's more than you did yesterday, I applaud you! :) Very nice to hear.
And I'm glad the headaches are gone.

Sceal

#38
Thank you, Aphotic.  :hug:

-------

I'm so exhausted. The week has just started. I had two lectures today, but I only attended one.
My head became mosh after 45 minutes. Probably sooner, but that's when I noticed it for full. I was talking to this woman I've wanted to talk to for a while. She's from abroad. It was nice to walk and talk. She also only stayed for one lecture.

I had a mocha after she went home, I shouldn't have. I've been feeling sick ever since. I guess I was feeling sick before hand really. Bloated, tired, uncomfortable and generally exhausted. I hope I'm not getting sick. It's been HOURS now. I went to my parents for dinner. It was nice enough. In the car home my father brought up the subject of getting a mentor for my studies again. I know he means well, he really do. I just don't need the extra pressure. And I don't know how to tell him. I don't want to dissapoint him. Again. I really want to make him proud.

I got my * day of the week tomorrow. I don't know how to manage that either. It takes out the life of me for the rest of the week. And I have no way of studying the other days. I either have to rely on my own capabilities and not go to the lectures. Or I don't know.
I've felt it's been all too much all this semster. But my GP says to wait, not give up yet.  Each time I mention it to someone they keep saying "just try".
I am at the point where I don't care if I fail. What I am worried about is the prolongued affect this has on my health.
The part of my health that I can't really put into words, the mental health. Everytime someone asks me what's wrong I make it sound like I'm whining about having a f* cold.  I don't want their pity, or false sympathies. I don't want them to coddle me either. I just want them to understand that it's hard right now, and I'm breaking. And I don't want them in my F* business.  I am so angry with myself. Because it's the only way I can really feel anger.

And at the same time, doing nothing... is not an option. I just want to cry. I want to have a week long cry.

I also got a message from the hospital today. I'm meeting the surgeon on the 27th. I don't even know if I'll go through with the operation. It's so full of shame. It's shame if I don't take it, it's shame if I do go through with it. It'll change my life forever if I do. I should read up on the options again, but it scares me. and I feel sick to my stomach. The shame is making me keep it all inside. All my thoughts, all my fear.. All my questions.

So sorry for the whine. I just really need to rant.

Hope66

Hi Sceal,
Good that you managed to talk to that lady today.  Sorry to hear that you are feeling bloated and sick after having that Mocha.  Good that you've let out your feelings in your Journal, and I just wanted to say 'hello' and wish you the best for a good rest - sounds like you need one. 
You take care,
Hope  :)

Sceal

Quote from: Hope66 on October 02, 2017, 06:30:46 PM
Hi Sceal,
Good that you managed to talk to that lady today.  Sorry to hear that you are feeling bloated and sick after having that Mocha.  Good that you've let out your feelings in your Journal, and I just wanted to say 'hello' and wish you the best for a good rest - sounds like you need one. 
You take care,
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I really apprechiate it. I hope you are doing well, and that the busy days ahead of you aren't making everything worse for wear

Sceal

I don't know what I feel. Other than tired. And yet, tired isn't even the right word. Worn is more accurate, but yet also not the right word. I don't know what the right word is.

I had group yesterday, the girl from the previous session had two interpeter there this time. Two. It's getting awfully crowded in the room. That means that when we're full group it'll be 9 other people in the room. 9 Other people whom I have to talk infront of, about personal experiences and feelings. I'm not comfortable with that. I suppose it's practice and going out of my comfort zone. Maybe it'll be better in-time? My reaction leaned towards my mind fading away. Dissociating. It was so hard to force myself to be present. and most of the time it didn't work. I almost threw up at one point, so I left the room. I dunno if that was psychosomatic, or if it was just because the coffee was to strong.

I have a guidance appointment with the univeristy today. I was declined to have a mentor to help me through this terms subject. So now I have to figure out how to deal with it. Then I have an appointment with the SA-Center... and later an appointment with my T. I've got a feeling I wont be studying anything today.

They say by leaving the house, getting fresh air, and generally moving about are good ways to prevent or work against the depression. I have to admit, I kind of feel like I don't have much choice. But being at home all day long isn't really an appealing choice either. Though, I do think my depression is a little lighter than what it was a few weeks ago.

AphoticAtramentous

Quote from: Sceal on October 05, 2017, 05:58:45 AM
I don't know what I feel. Other than tired. And yet, tired isn't even the right word. Worn is more accurate, but yet also not the right word. I don't know what the right word is.

I had group yesterday, the girl from the previous session had two interpeter there this time. Two. It's getting awfully crowded in the room. That means that when we're full group it'll be 9 other people in the room. 9 Other people whom I have to talk infront of, about personal experiences and feelings. I'm not comfortable with that. I suppose it's practice and going out of my comfort zone. Maybe it'll be better in-time? My reaction leaned towards my mind fading away. Dissociating. It was so hard to force myself to be present. and most of the time it didn't work. I almost threw up at one point, so I left the room. I dunno if that was psychosomatic, or if it was just because the coffee was to strong.

I have a guidance appointment with the univeristy today. I was declined to have a mentor to help me through this terms subject. So now I have to figure out how to deal with it. Then I have an appointment with the SA-Center... and later an appointment with my T. I've got a feeling I wont be studying anything today.

They say by leaving the house, getting fresh air, and generally moving about are good ways to prevent or work against the depression. I have to admit, I kind of feel like I don't have much choice. But being at home all day long isn't really an appealing choice either. Though, I do think my depression is a little lighter than what it was a few weeks ago.
Things sound so stressful for you, Sceal. I can't imagine what it's like trying to juggle all of that work along with your CPTSD. I'm terrified of going to Uni because I'm afraid the stress will just eat me alive, I'm really impressed that you're studying whilst coping with these other things. ^^ You're a strong person.  :applause: And you're looking after yourself which is good, leaving the room when things feel too much, it's self care, it's good. I don't know how on Earth I would be able to talk in front of that many people about my own personal experiences, so daunting to even think about! You really impress me, Sceal. :)
I hope these compliments and good wishing is okay...

Sceal

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 07:07:54 AM
Things sound so stressful for you, Sceal. I can't imagine what it's like trying to juggle all of that work along with your CPTSD. I'm terrified of going to Uni because I'm afraid the stress will just eat me alive, I'm really impressed that you're studying whilst coping with these other things. ^^ You're a strong person.  :applause: And you're looking after yourself which is good, leaving the room when things feel too much, it's self care, it's good. I don't know how on Earth I would be able to talk in front of that many people about my own personal experiences, so daunting to even think about! You really impress me, Sceal. :)
I hope these compliments and good wishing is okay...

Someone once told me "you're worn out all the time. Does it makes you less worn out if you're at home alone?" It made me realise that no, no it doesn't make me less worn out. Uni is burning me out, it really is. I have MAJOR doubts about it. But not trying is not really an option. I do beat myself up alot more than I should. I know in theory that if I am outside the tolerance window, then my brain is not able to process new knowledge or experiences. And I'm rarely within the tolerance window, plus I dissociate quite alot. But I am studying something that gives meaning, that's interessting, and that I can use in any future job. if I am ever able to work again.
I am not sure if it was as much self-care to walk out of the room yesterday, as it was to prevent myself from throwing up over other people and infront of them. I've done that before. It's not pleasant, for anyone involved.
You're words are warming me, and I really apprechiate them. I will try and let them sink in and do their kind of healing. I'll try. Though I do have a hard time accepting and believing compliments. Thank you. :)

---
The advicer at uni didn't give me tips on what I needed today. But she gave me an application I need to hand in so I can get access to a program that helps people with dyslexia write better academic texts. She also told me that if I get too ill before the exam I can get a sickleave from my GP, and that way I wont lose any chances of doing the exam. I have 3 chances per subject. That relieved me of some stress.

The SA-center lady talked to me about body-shame today. She thinks alot of my shame is connected with the symptoms of my PCOS. And it is. But it's also connected to my SA's. She said we'll get around to that later. I wont see her for another month though because our schedules don't match up. It's okay though, I have enough on my plate at the moment.

My psychologist and I had a lot of laughs today. On my behalf, but that was okay. It kind of re-cleared the air between us. We touched upon my dissociations, when I choose to and when I have no control. Yesterday in group I had a hard time fighting myself. I didn't want to accept there were two new people in the group doing translation for this one girl, I didn't know how to deal with it. And so I kept wanting to dissociate, and the other half of me kept telling myself I needed to focus because being part of the group and actually concentrating on what's being said is important. So it was a battle of wills, except it was my two wills. My T says she suspect it was because I was annoyed that there were two unexpected people in the room that caused a huge distraction for me, which were quickly overshadowed by shame leaving me to wanting to avoid the situation while being "locked in". Having to admit I was annoyed at this partially deaf girl made me feel awful. It's not her fault she's partially deaf - she can't help it. So I've no reason being annoyed at her. It made me feel ashamed of having to admit this to myself, and that my T saw through me. I want to be a good person, not a selfish b*. She told me I wasn't being selfish. Yet, I still feel I was judging her, and I had NO right to do that. So I've started judging me instead. My T said that's no good sollution either, she thinks I need to start learning to be in an emotion and accept that it's there without judgement rather than pushing it away and being ashamed that I too got emotions and needs that should be met.
It was confusing. And I felt quite bewildered afterwards. I have alot to think about... Hopefully I will be able to digest some of this while studying over the week-end. I need to do therapy homework, and do uni-work. And somehow figure out what "relaxing" means. Maybe I'll go for a walk or two, despite the pouring rain. It'd be good for the body.

By the way. The body has been acting werid today. I've had a pain in my lower back all day with increasing strenght. At one point I felt tingling down both my legs and such a heavyness I wasn't sure I'd be able to stand on my legs. And quite a few dizzy spells. And a BUNCH of trips to the toilet, without me having had much to drink. I am wondering if I might have a urinary infection, or if it's just psychosomatic. My T wanted me to call my doc, but it was too late in the day. I promised her big time if I got worse over the next few days I'd go to the ER. She was firm on this. That I really need to treat my body for any somatic illness as it has a huge impact on my mental health. I don't got any fever though, and it doesn't hurt anywhere other than my lower back. - I have a feeling it's psychosomatic.

Sceal

I've had several psychologists throughout the years. I don't remember them all, and those I remember, I remember certain things about. Like one of the last guys I had before I transfered to a different district clinic, he told me I needed to go skydiving. What he meant was I needed to confront my comfort zones. Ironically I feel I do that all the time.

TW:
Anyway, so I am never going to go skydiving. That is too far out there for me. But I did do diving, which is also a high risk sport. Two years ago, I decided to confront my fear of the water. (I've had numerous near-drowning accidents). The problem here was that I decided to do it together with a toxic friend. Her husband also at the time happened to be an ongoing abuser of mine. And also my latest rapist. She also had fear of water, so we spent ALOT longer time than everyone else doing this course. Which was okay by me. It made me feel more in control. There was some complications and some misunderstandings along the way. But before those happened, the store, the course leader and my toxic friend and her husband all pressured me into spending $3985 on diving equipment. It am not a big spender, and neither do I do well with impulse buy.  I just spent 2 months contemplating if I should buy a new pair of shoes so I can avoid being wet on my feet this winter or not. (I got new shoes :bigwink:) I felt I couldn't say no. I felt there was no room for me to say I can't afford to spend this money right now. Or that I was uncomfortable ever spending that kind of amount of money on anything. Since I had no boundaries left for them to destroy I bought the equipment.

I've never used it outside the course. And I've regretted it ever since. The past year I've desperatedly wanted to sell it off. I went NC with those people only 2 months after we got certified. So I've been wondering how to get rid of it since November. I can't put it out under my name for sale, they will know. And I fear they will contact me. And pressure me again. I can't withstand that again. I really can't. I need for them to stay as far away from me as possible. So it's been a daily reminder of them in my appartment. I see it every day. And it sucks.  I've gotten rid of nearly everything else that reminds me of them. Or at least I've packed it away until I'm ready to deal with it. Which probably wont be for another million years. I've asked a few friends if they can sell it for me, but they have all said no. Until two months ago, a support person (kind of like a paid friend-service) told me she'd help me. She's an amazing girl. And she's given me alot of support. She said we could use her account, and that she'll be there with me when the potential buyer come to take a look at it.
I'm quite embarrassed that I don't really know anything about the equipment. I know what it's called. And I know it works. But the worth of it all.. Is over my head.

Today though. I finally photographed it all. And I looked up online what it's worth and I consulted with a former classmate of mine who does professional diving for a living. I should have been studying. And I hope I get a few pages done. But this has taken a huge emotional and mental affect on me. I just hope I can concentrate.

But I do feel proud that I FINALLY got around to documenting it, and putting it on a flashdrive for her. And it will be such a huge relief to get rid of it, and get some money back off of it.

I will try to remind myself that althought it doesn't seem like all that much to just take a few photos.. all that it symbolizes and reminds me of.. .I'm allowed to be a little tired again now.
I am going to breathe a little, then I'm going to go try to study.