Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

Hi Sanmagic - I do hope it is the Omega 3, and that it actually does work on my sleep and that it's not a temporary thing. Sleep is so important both for mental health but also for physical health - and the recovery of both.  My sleeping problems started as a child, but it really took off when I was 16 and I got terrified of sleeping.  Sleeping suddenly meant being undefensieve, not being in control of who was in the room and so on. I stopped sleeping for 5 days in a row until I collapsed. I became psychotic and started hallucinating. It took years for me to stop visually hallucinating. I guess I haven't really stopped, it comes back if I'm too sick. I worship a good night of sleep, and feeling rested in the morning. That is the magic potion for me 

I talked to the group leader a few weeks ago at the suggestion of my psychologist. That I need the practice to notice and come back from dissociations, and if it happens in the group it would be good to be brought back. Today was a good thing she did it discreetly. But I've said it's okay to do the whole group too at times.

Besides sleeping, nature is my other healing potion. It lowers my stress so much, and I just love seeing the texture of rocks and trees and moss and grass. And the various colours, and how the light falls and changes things. It's beautiful.
Big loving hug back your way

[Sceal]

I went to bed at 20 yesterday. I was so worn out all day.
I didn't do any studying, and I don't want to do any today too. Or I want to, but I... I can't figure it out.
I was supposed to go to a lecture about psychiatric diagnoses and whether we need them, or if they need a change. it sounded very interessting - but yesterday morning I just went back to bed.

I got up and out and met the two people I had arranged to meet. A guy I was selling a book to and getting a signature off a university employee so I could get my dyslexia aids. I was going to go for another hike as it didn't rain, but I was so physically worn out.

Today I got my first therapist session on two weeks. I am not sure what to tell her or what to talk about. I guess I'll find out once I get there.
My sister is having a family-birthday dinner at a restaurant today. She and I haven't always gotten along. I was jealous of her growing up. She got to stay at home with mom, when I was at school being bullied. (she's 5 years younger than I, no wonder she wasn't at school - but that didn't stop my jealousy). She was skinny and beautiful, despite being 1/4th of active as I was, and we had the same nutrition. She got praised for her good language skills, whereas I kept being berated (though no one knew I was dyslexic). I was just jealous, but at the same time I was fiercly protective of her. We had some good years after I became an adult and she was still a teen. We'd cook together and watch a movie together, or play a game. Then we drifted apart again, barely spoke other than when on rare occasions we'd run into each other unplanned at our parents house. But the past year we've been talking more. And it feels good.
she got asbergers, so she got some limitations. But *, so do I. We both feel like we've failed our parents. Neither has a full time job after a university degree. Neither is married and neither has children (and none of us want kids).
It feels like I got an ally. It feels good to finally not be jealous of her, and her not of me. And it feels good to be able to talk to someone who understands how bothersome M can be - and how much worse she's gotten the last few years.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh Sceal, I know how you feel. I'm actually in bed right now as I type this, haha. Just so worn out, can't do much. It's frustrating at times.

Hope your session goes/has gone well. And it's nice to know you're talking to your sister about that stuff with your M. It can definitely be very validating and reassuring to know you're not alone, that you have someone who really understands what it was like.

I'm a little envious that you have the ability to go for a hike on a whim. Though I'm more happy for you than envious. I would love to be able to go out into nature and just walk alone... breathe in that fresh air and listen to the birds. It's nice to even just think about.

[Sceal]

I would like nothing more than to go back to bed right now.
I've been googling online rather than studying. I read a couple of pages, and it wore me out and I ended up sleeping for an hour. 

I should go out and walk more than I do. Nature do heals, but most of the time I'm stuck inside looking out the window at the bits of nature i can see.
Being a student makes your time more flexible, and nature is very easilly accessible in my country.

I haven't been to my T yet, it's another hour and half. I'll be shattered tonight, after seeing M. I hope I can dodge F's question about uni.
I've been sketching a bit lately, I am trying to motivate myself to do more.

[Sceal]

Just back from my session.
I'm knackered. In the two weeks without any session I had forgotten how taxing therapy is! Amazing how quickly one forget.

She said it was nice to see me again, that it had been a while. That made me feel welcome, and wanted. It was good.

It was nice, I wasn't overly anxious. I kept eyecontact, and I talked without going too quiet. We did an analysis of the anxiety and paranoia that came with last week's anonymous SMS. And how I can start working with remaining within or on the threshold of the Window of Tolerance.
What I'll be working towards:
Breathing
- breath in on 3, breath out on 4: in order to get my thinking brain back in action.
Orientation:
- Time and date
- Where am I
- What am I doing later in the day
Thoughts:
- Revaluate realistic level of probability of threat

Next we're probably going to talk about dissociation again. I am looking forward to it.
I really like my psychologist.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're making some great progress with your t, sceal.  it's so wonderful that you like them.  that's a significant part of therapy.

i really like your check-in list, especially about determining what the real threat level is for the day.   that's something i never thought of, but it makes sense.  good for you.

keep up the good work,  it definitely sounds like progress to me.  big hug to you.

[Sceal]

Big hug back, Sanmagic.

Thank you. It feels like everytime I have a decent or good day, I'll have 3-4 bad days following. I hope it is progress as you say, and not just me running in circles.

It gets hard to evaluate the realistic level or probability of threat when my paranoia kicks in. I can't tell one thing from the other when that happens.

[AphoticAtramentous]

It's nice to hear you like your psychologist, Sceal. Very nice.

[Sceal]

I've been trying to find a word the describes how I feel. "tired" and "worn" doesn't quite fit the bill.

I have little physical or mental energy. My limbs feel like they weigh a ton, so walking or lifting things are requiring every strength I got. Working out or going for walks doesn't seem to help. I understand that it's my mental health who's taking a toll on my body. Somehow telling me it's enough now.
I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to get up from bed, but I don't want to lie in bed either.

Everytime someone invites me for a new thing a birthday dinner, or there's a rescheduling an appointment. I feel like the air is taken out of me. I know I just got to buckle up and deal with it. And I know that this is the result of the last 2 years (I feel I should set a time-limit somewhere. The old wounds are still there and untreated. It's just... an easier perspective for me) of being SA, manipulated and invalidated mixed with trying to find my two legs again meanwhile hiding it from nearly everyone. Some people know I struggle, but they see me as functional - because what would it serve if I broke down infront of them? It'd just be more shame.

I don't know. I am just fed up. I don't want to learn new things, I don't want to have more stimuli, I don't want to pretend anymore.
I just want a house that I can call my own, a small house nearby a pond or a forest with a fireplace. Where I can retreat, rest, and recover my will to live life proper.  Away from demands and expectations, away from judgement and people who believe they know who I am - yet never ask me how I am and why that is.

I am just having a whiny day. Never mind my rant.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Some people know I struggle, but they see me as functional - because what would it serve if I broke down infront of them? It'd just be more shame.

I know how you feel there, Sceal. Appearing functional on the outside whilst crippled and falling apart on the inside.  But everyone sees that "You're doing okay" and doesn't question anything or give you some kind of pat on the back, when you would REALLY love a simple pat on the back.

I just want a house that I can call my own, a small house nearby a pond or a forest with a fireplace. Where I can retreat, rest, and recover my will to live life proper.  Away from demands and expectations, away from judgement and people who believe they know who I am - yet never ask me how I am and why that is.

I wish the same, for you, and for myself. I'm sure we'll get that eventually, just takes a bit of time unfortunately.

Also I hope my constant replying to your posts and stuff doesn't seem too stalkerish. It's just, when I start reading a specific individual's posts, it's easier to read the rest of their posts and follow along. Having some backstory and context helps my confidence and motivation to reply more.

[sanmagic7]

dear sceal, i can so relate.

the first couple of years that i was w/ my hub in mex., i was sick and sluggish all the time.  he was great at doing errands, etc., taking me to doc appts., just babying me.  it was wonderful.

one day i realized that i could stay this way forever and he'd never complain, but i also thought that wasn't quite fair to him.  i gave it some thought and it came to me that if i got well, there would be those expectations and such placed on me.  at the time no one asked very much from me cuz i was too sick all the time.

what was wrong with my picture was that i had ICr laying on the expectations that i had to go along with everyone else's expectations for me, and i was terrified of that.  my solution was to get as well as i could so that i could function better, but also know that i could say no to invitations and expectations i wasn't interested in, or that i couldn't 'buckle down' and do because it would be detrimental to my health and well-being.

just my experience, but reading yours rang a bell with me.  one of my mantras has become 'i'll do the best i can when i'm able', and feeling able is entirely personal and subjective.  it's ok that i can't do what i used to do, and i don't have to come up with excuses to please someone else's sense of what i should/shouldn't be able to do.

my t told me that i've learned enough, done enough right now, and it's time to rest.  may i suggest you pick and choose for yourself what exactly you feel like doing, whether it's something, nothing, or somewhere in between.  you've got a lot to deal with already - you don't need more right now.  it's ok.  no shame, no blame.  your body is telling you it needs a break.  it's ok to take one.   sending you a big hug filled with caring and love.

[Sceal]

Also I hope my constant replying to your posts and stuff doesn't seem too stalkerish. It's just, when I start reading a specific individual's posts, it's easier to read the rest of their posts and follow along. Having some backstory and context helps my confidence and motivation to reply more.

Not at all, dear! I value every comment and 'hello's' that I get. It makes me feel seen and a heard in anotherwise deaf world.

Dear San,
I have thought of that, the relief and how de-stressing it would be if there would be someone willing to doing all the things I don't want to prioritize but must. Like doing errands as you mention. Or fixing lightbulbs, or doing the laundry - without being told and nagged at. Just magically being done - because then I would be free to be me, and not have the energy stolen away by menial tasks. I don't deserve someone looking after me that way, and I don't think I'd let anyone either for a longer period of time.  But it does sound wonderful, and I am glad that you got that for a period of time in your life. A little bit of freedom, in a way.

I've had talks with my doc and my T about the inner critics expectations, and who's expectations am I really following? Would anyone care if I didn't live up to those imagined expectations? Probably not, not most of them anyway. And I had to practice the thought of "Do I really want to do this?" "What do I want?", it was an alien concept for me when I started. It's been on hold for a long time now, and I've recently started asking those questions again. And sometimes it takes hours before I can answer, but most of the time I don't know the answer.

I have decided (more or less) that I wont take this exam this semester, I will postpone it til next semester. I'll continue working on the subject, and study. But I still feel guilty when I can't open the book. It's lying there on the table - easy accessible. It's just 15 minutes of reading puts me to sleep for 1-2 hours because it's so taxing. I've decided to lie to my parents about why I am not taking the exam. I am going to fake pnemonia or the flu. I haven't quite decided what illness, but it'd be something they would understand and not question me about. And something they can't really judge me for. Not really, I've struggled with bronchitis since I was a baby. It's been a few years since I last had bronchitis, and I usually end up walking around doing errands and going to work unless I'm  so feverish I can't get up, or someone is sending me back home. And they know I tend to work despite my bronchitis, but pnemonia is different.
Luckily I don't live at home, so I can just fake it over a phone call.

This is me avoiding judgement and conflict, and avoiding dissapointing them with an illness they don't understand the reasons for. They don't know what happened to me, or that I have PTSD. I am not even sure if they know about any of my diagnoses. They never talk to me about it, and I am not going to open the topic up for discussion.

I do feel shame about my desicion though. I do. I feel like I am not living up to my imagined potential. I am not living up to what I could have been if I'd never had PTSD. When it comes to creating, working or studying I don't like to admit that I have limitations or a handicap as my former GP called it. I flat out refuse to admit it in my mind, so everytime I fail - I fail becuase I am a failure. I am bad. I am not good enough. Not because my processing is slower than average due to PTSD and dyslexia. Not because my concentration is shattered due to hearing voices, PTSD and anxiety.  When I can't walk uphill without sounding like an 80 year old, it's because I'm lazy, fat and unfit and not because of my asthma. (although I am also unfit...) I've talked to friends who also have a tendency to compare themselves to impossible people. Athletes and super-power people. I don't really compare myself with those. But I do compare myself towards successfull people, to healthy people. To people who don't have alot of extra baggage, and still expect myself to perform at their level. I know it doesn't work like that - I know I have to compare myself towards how I was 6 months ago. Or even just one month ago. Not against other people.

So much self-judgement. No wonder I don't feel like I am ever good enough. Putting this down here was a little mind opening. I hadn't even planned on writing today.

[sanmagic7]

i'm all for mind opening, so i'm really glad you did decide to write.  another step forward, sceal.  yay, you.

you're gonna get there, of that i have no doubt.  you're doing exactly what you need to do for you, exactly the way you're able to do it.   i see progress.   sending you a hug filled with more mind-opening moments and lots of caring.

[Sceal]

Thank you San.
It's good to hear that there are some signs of progress, i don't yet see them myself. But maybe in time?

[Sceal]

I was unable to wake up this morning. I normally wake up around 7. Around 8 I moved my sore and painful body to the sofa and slept there until about 10.
I feel groggy, unmotivated and just... I don't know. Perhaps sad?

I dreamt about the wife of my last SAer. That I was somehow forced to meet up with her and some others from that group, that they were busy telling me how much they had missed me to guilt me into hanging around, and kept prying me with questions as if it were their business. I was just a shadow of myself. And then I had to drive them back home, because the person driving them suddenly couldn't. Another ruse to get me to stay.

It wasn't a very dramatic or vivid dream as I usually have. But it was preying on my feelings of guilt, fear, sadness and shame. It's not really any wonder why I feel so worn out and why I'm so groggy this morning. I wish my brain would start giving me healing dreams - rather than all of this.