Sceal's Journal

[sanmagic7]

sceal, perhaps a shift is coming and your subconscious is getting your consciousness ready for it.  that shame and guilt belong with your abuser - you have nothing to be ashamed or guilty about.  maybe these dreams are healing dreams in the sense that they're going to allow you to move out from under those horrible feelings you've been carrying around.

i'm hoping, for your sake.  dreams can be funny critters.  that wife character could have been representing you.  i don't know, but i've had dreams like that on my way to healing or realizing something i needed to know, where one person actually was meant to be someone else.

warm and loving hug to you, sceal.  you'll get thru this.  in the meantime, you deserve to rest and sleep.  battling this beast is hard work. 

[Sceal]

I am not sure that they are healing. It's his wife I am most afraid of. I am afraid she will find out what she will  then do. It's high risk she would not believe my side, and thus physically attack me. And as well as do a thorough smear campaign. She also suffer from cPTSD.
But even worse is that I fear she actually knew what he was doing.

Thank you though for your comforting words and the loving hug! Means allot, it does.

----
I am on the busstop now, waiting for the bus up to the hospital.
I am going to meet the surgeon in an hour. I dont know what to expect, I hope I am not supposed to perform something and that it's just information for me. I brought a notepad to take notes so I won't forget what he says.

I am nervous and numb at the same time.

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal,
Just wanted to wish you well with things today - 
Hope 

[Sceal]

  Thank you Hope. 😊

I've gained alot more weight than I thought. I am angry, upset, ashamed and resigned all at once over this. I know most of it is due to the medication i had up until June. But also my inactivity  last 2 -3 weeks...

My blood pressure is heightened, might just  have been the stress of today, but I ought to have it checked out. I fear more pills...

Regarding surgery.. i was told about the risks primarily. And that itll be in approximately 6 months. I am scared

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal,
I just saw your entry in your journal, and you've been given a lot of news to take in - so be kind to yourself (if you want to of course) and give yourself time to process it (if you think that would help) - sorry about the brackets, I have been feeling a bit fragile for whether I put my foot in things or not - and a bit concerned to say the wrong thing... 
But what I'm trying to say is that I hope you'll find some strength somewhere to cope with the results - and that your feelings of being scared - they're perfectly normal, I think - and just give yourself some time - and hopefully you can think about things that will help you - I really enjoy walking for exercise - and sometimes running too.  I know you said you'd been inactive for the last 2 to 3 weeks, so maybe changing that will be good.  But whatever you do, or don't do, I would like to send you a hug. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Big hug to you Hope! You didnt put your foot in. Your words are exactly what I needed to hear right now. I am on my way home now,  once I get there i will make a big cup of tea with honey and just try and process.

[sanmagic7]

may i say, sceal, that i just really enjoy you. 

sorry you have to face surgery next year.  bummer.  having just had some myself, i know how it feels to play the waiting game, and it sucks.  sending you a hug filled with strength and energy.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hope you're doing okay, Sceal. ^-^
It must be terrifying to know you'll have surgery... I hope it's not an overly risky surgery...

[Sceal]

may i say, sceal, that i just really enjoy you. 

sorry you have to face surgery next year.  bummer.  having just had some myself, i know how it feels to play the waiting game, and it sucks.  sending you a hug filled with strength and energy.

Thank you Sanmagic for such nice words I hope you are recovering well from your surgery! 

[Sceal]

Hope you're doing okay, Sceal. ^-^
It must be terrifying to know you'll have surgery... I hope it's not an overly risky surgery...

The surgery itself doesn't scare me. I'm not scared of hospital, I am quite comfortable in them. I've been in and out of psych-wards for the past 12 years, I guess I've accumulated some sort of feeling mostly safe at hospitals. I've also had two or three surgeries as a child. I don't remember much of them.

It's not a life threatening surgery. I don't HAVE to have it. But I chose too. More than likely it will clear out a few other physical illnesses along with it. Such as my asthma, my pcos, insulin resistance and it may even affect depression. But it will mean a whole different kind of lifestyle from thereon and out. I've had an eating disorder, and I desperatedly need to fix it before this happens. And I need to re-wire my brain to learn different prolongued stress-handling

I am scared of complications though.

[sanmagic7]

best to you, sceal.  hopefully, no complications, just positive differences for you.  standing with you.  big hug.

[Sceal]

Me too. Big hug back

[Sceal]

Had my session with my T yesterday.
We talked about a lot of things. One of them is food, it's a hard topic for me. It makes me frustrated, sad, scared, ashamed. I'm not good at talking about my relation to food or my viewpoint of myself. But although it's extremely shameful, it also feels slightly good afterwards. To be able to voice some of my struggles to someone who doesn't judge me for it. She gave me a new homework in related to meals. I am to plan my meals and write them down the day before. And then the next day follow through with it, and write down what I eat and roughly how much (i.e how many porsjons, or how many slices of bread), as well as when. I am supposed to eat at certain times as well. This is going to be challenging. Mostly emotional and mentally. It's going to demand a lot out for me to eat more than I usually do. But I hope it will make me plan and choose healthier meals for myself. I am going to do this, even if it is hard - difficult and demands alot of out me. But not trying something new definitively wont change anything.

Then we talked about being present. Or mindful - if you like. I said I feel I am more aware of what I've been doing the past week than I have been the last month. She says that's a good sign. My last homework was to note down my awareness during my morning medication (which I forgot today!) and if I was distant I was to do excersises to increase my awareness. I didn't do them. And she asked me why. And I told her it was a mixture of forgetting, but also being unmotivated. She said that being unmotivated is therapy-harming, and was wondering where it came from. I told her, I don't quite know. That I theorize that my motivation to do anything comes down to the fact it's been so much for so long, and constantly new information to process from all sides - that my brain decided it needed a break. She said she understood, but pointed out that the way I've been doing it has preventing me from taking a proper break. Because a break needs a beginning and an end, and instead I'm just floating around doing very little. Beating myself up about not doing this, or not doing that. Telling myself I'm being lazy. And that's hardly a break. She used herself as an example, that if come evening she felt tired and wondered why. She reminded herself that she had gotten up early, woken her son and got him out to school. Gone to work, come back home, made and ate dinner - and that there was no wonder she was tired and patted herself on the back for the effort of the day. And she suspects that I don't validate my own effort. I don't allow myself to be tired from trying everyday. I think she has a point. I hope I will remember, I am tearing up while thinking about this. She gave me more concrete homework.
I had forgotten about that too until I was reading her note just now. I'll have to make myself a bigger note.

But then, she said something surprising and out of the blue. She said that she always looked forward to her sessions with me. That she found our sessions interessting, and that I am motivated for change and do the work, even during the weeks when things are more challening than usual, or when I am unmotivated generally like I am now. I felt that she was telling me that I was an important patient of hers, and that she really enjoys my company and our conversations. She couldn't look me in the eye when she told me this, it made me think she was a little embarrassed to say it. I was stunned. And all I could muster was a quiet thank you. I will try and tell her next week that it meant alot for me to hear that. I am not good with voicing my emotions, or telling people that they matter to me, or what they say matter to me. But this mattered. And I've been thinking of it ever since.

Group today was alright. The atmosphere was low and slightly tense. A few people were having a really rough day and it was affecting the rest of the group. But I kept focus throughout most of group, and I think that's progress. I drove one of the other patients home afterwards. Because it was pouring down and she had a 30-40 min walk in the rain. We ended up talking in the car for a while after we got to her place. She told me some of the stuff she's been through, and she's such a strong person, and yet still so young. She's impressed me so many times. It was nice too! I didn't share though, it's not my habit. My habit is to listen.

[Three Roses]

I'll have to make myself a bigger note. 

Sorry to intrude on your Journal, but I wanted to tell you something that I do when I need to remember something but I'm having a hard time. There are markers specially made for glass that you can buy in the art Department of places like Kroger's or Fred Meyers or maybe Walmart. They wipe off cleanly but are made specifically for writing on glass and so I write myself notes on my mirror in the bathroom, where I will see it for sure. Thought I'd share that, hope it helps. 

[Sceal]

Sorry to intrude on your Journal

You're not interrupting at all! I apprechiate commments 

but I wanted to tell you something that I do when I need to remember something but I'm having a hard time. There are markers specially made for glass that you can buy in the art Department of places like Kroger's or Fred Meyers or maybe Walmart. They wipe off cleanly but are made specifically for writing on glass and so I write myself notes on my mirror in the bathroom, where I will see it for sure. Thought I'd share that, hope it helps. 

That's a brilliant idea! I used to have walls behind my desk, but now I got curtains. It's hard to pin stuff to those. Thank you for the tip!