Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

Hey San,
I ended up telling my T about the SA center group offer. And by saying that I inadvertendly also told her that I go there sometimes. She thought it was unwise to start up right now as I am doing DBT group still. And it might be too much for me. I chose to listened to her. And even now a few days in hindsight that I let the SA center know, it was long term, the best choice. I wouldn't be able to do studies next semester, therapy and two therapy groups. So thank you for telling I should speak with her, I might not have had the courage too if you hadn't reminded me that honesty with your psych is the best course of action.

I am happy that I could help you get in touch with your feelings in regards to your body as well. Answering your question to begin with helped me further understand what it is exactly I was feeling disgust with – and not only just the emotion of disgust.

Hi Rocket (do you mind if I call you Rocket? It sounds powerful ),
Thank you for coming by and reading my journal. Hug
You're not hurting me by saying that being brainy wont make me happy. I know this, it just felt like the last option I had that I could grow to be proud of. I have such a disconnect and hatred for my body that I doubt I'll ever be proud of it. But I hope one day I can come to accept it. And my mental health is a mess, I wouldn't even know how to begin describing it. I know I'm not stupid, and I'm not particularly slow either, but it was sort of my last hope If that makes any sense.

You haven't done anything wrong. Just by listening and sharing your own thoughts and experiences that helps me sort my own thoughts.

Hi Blueberry!
Thank you for the support, I highly value it.
I am glad you're feeling less disgust with your own body, and it gives me hope that it is possible for me as well, one day. I am not sure if my FOO felt ashamed of my body as a child, but I do know they tried to diet me, and make me consume things that were supposed to increase metabolism. Such as vinegar ( I can't stand vinegar). I know my M went behind my back and talked to an accupuncturist to make her give me needles that were supposed to make me loose weight. The accupuncturist did it too, but said she gave me the needles for something else entirely. She told me years later. That felt like a betrayal of trust, and that I wasn't good enough for them.  I had forgotten about that.

Thank you for reminding me about the post from 1st of november. It's only 8 days ago, but it feels like it's been a month. And your reminder made me pick up a very beautiful note book that I've had lying around for a year. I've started writing down my every-day accomplishments in it. Things I did that was a challenge, but ultimatedly good for me. And things that I did to make the day better. Keep the good memories in one place – so they are easier to obtain when in need of a reminder.

I had a psychologist about 5 years ago I think it must be now. He said that I could afford to be a bit more self-centered. But it just feels so unnatural. And I honestly do not like talking about me, yet I have found the last year that I got so much I need to say. So much I need to get out. And it makes me feel like I don't have room for listening. But I want to listen.

I am glad I could remind you, so you could be more aware of your choices! I had an urge today to go buy some pre-made calzone-looking thing. But I stuck to my schedule so far today. I'm pretty happy about that.

Hi San,
It was gruelling, but maybe it's for the better. Rather than ignoring the problem. Who said therapy is easy or comfortable?
I am fond of words too! You have a great point in that «better» and «good» is very judgemental words. I had never thought of it like that! I will try to start using different instead. In this case at least it was much more friendly. I have recently changed out «difficult» with «challenging». «Difficult» makes something appear almost impossible, and too hard to do, but «challenging» gives room for hope and growth. Though of course, sometimes things just are plain difficult, just not everything.


Sending you all warm, loving hugs! 

[Blueberry]

.. but I do know they tried to diet me, and make me consume things that were supposed to increase metabolism. Such as vinegar ( I can't stand vinegar).

Yuck! Make a kid consume vinegar? Too much and it goes for your stomach lining too.

I know my M went behind my back and talked to an accupuncturist to make her give me needles that were supposed to make me loose weight. The accupuncturist did it too, but said she gave me the needles for something else entirely. She told me years later. That felt like a betrayal of trust, and that I wasn't good enough for them. 

That would feel like betrayal to me too. 

Thank you for reminding me about the post from 1st of november. It's only 8 days ago, but it feels like it's been a month.

It often feels like that for me too, like I've been in a really bad way for aaaages and then I read in here and see a post 4-5 days ago and realise: Hey, I was doing well that day and look at all the progress I'm making! It's something to do with C-PTSD that our feeling for time in this respect is a bit wonky.

And your reminder made me pick up a very beautiful note book that I've had lying around for a year. I've started writing down my every-day accomplishments in it. Things I did that was a challenge, but ultimatedly good for me. And things that I did to make the day better. Keep the good memories in one place – so they are easier to obtain when in need of a reminder.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, i'm so glad you've worked out some things for yourself that are happy and healthier, make it easier for you to continue moving forward in a pos. way.  yay!  i like that change from difficult to challenging, too.  some challenges are just a bit more 'difficult' than others, true, but that doesn't make them impossible, either. 

you are sounding stronger, my dear.  i love it.  sending a hug filled with continued movement and love.

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, you can call me Rocket. That sounds cool! I wish I could get called that more often. Bwahahaha.

I appreciate you thanked me there. I tend to need some warmth like that if I'm going to approach people here even with my shyness.

It's great that you're able to find solutions to change your thoughts like that. I tend to have similar problems to you — tending to push myself too hard for my studies and it really is an inspiration to hear someone make an effort to change themselves with the problem. While the eating part I can't relate to, I admire your willingness to have self care for yourself.

Take care, Sceal.

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal,
and hope that you are enjoying your new hair colour - ginger sounds like a wonderful colour. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Blueberry:
Yeah, vinegar is not recommended... *shivers*
I feel both relieved and sad (for us) that I'm not alone in having problems with time. That it often appears as if time moves at a different speed than it actually does.  The whole, being confused/surprised that not more time passed than just a few days. Perhaps it's part of dissociating? The time-disolacted feeling..

San:
I don't have a habit of re-reading old posts I've made in my journal -because it's triggering for me. But a general overview makes it seems as if i am fluctuating alot more between having a decent day to being pulled deep back down for several days and then I fight my way back up again. and so it circles. I suppose the first step is to be aware of it. Next I guess... should/could be to try and figure out what makes me get my head above water from one day to the next when they are so seemingly the same.

Rocket:
Great, I'll keep calling you that.
It might take me a few days to reply to posts. I read them every day, but more and more lately it's taking alot of energy to respond eventhough I want to. So if it takes a while before I get back to you, It's just because I'm worn out.
As far as I've understood, I'm a few years older than you So I've had a few more years of pushing myself too hard. I hope that you will find steps sooner than I did that helps you to stop before it's too much. I'm not great at it. But I've started.

Hope:
I am, thank you. I am looking forward to fixing it up and making it even lighter next time. Even if this is the kind of thing I never let my self afford (the hairdresser part I mean).

to all of you!

[Sceal]

I keep telling myself I need to stop writing so many posts here. That I need to slow down. That I shouldn't impose so much on the forum here.
Yet I keep coming back. Several times a day. Reading, and sometimes commenting. I wasn't going to log in today. But I have to.

Trigger warning: Sexual abuse and hallucinating.

The memories are triggering one another. Memories I hadn't thought about in a very long time. When I was 18, or maybe 19, I don't know. It's all a blur. I lived with my ex-boyfriend. Or ex-fiance, I should say. I hated the house we lived in, it gave me the creeps. And I would often feel hunted. That "the bad people" were looking for me. They had blood hounds, and were circling around the house. It left me in terror. I could never really understand where it came from, I had no explanation for why I would keep seeing them outside the windows. Why I would refuse to leave the house. I hadn't committed any crime. Today I wonder if it was a psychotic break that was trying to warn me that I was living in an unhealthy relationship. My ex-fiance never hit me, he never threatened to either. He didn't lock me up. But he groomed me, he taught me that sex wasn't enjoyable for women, he taught me sex was something that was expected of me to give to the man. Because I was expected to please the man, regardless of pain and discomfort. Regardless of my mood or wilingness. He would tell me that if I didn't do my duty, he would leave me. And everyone would know. Sometimes he would hold me tight, so tight I couldn't get free. There were other requirements too. I didn't know, I honestly didn't know. I didn't realize that it was assault, that it was rape. I didn't know I could say no. He taught me that there was no such thing. 

One of the times I got admitted to psych ward I was hallucinating more or less all the time. I couldn't tell the difference anymore, of what was real and what wasn't. There were bugs everywhere. This was in the middle of the winter. The bloodhounds were back. The walls grew rabbits on them that became alive and jumped out of the walls and started eating on me alive. I was awake, I was paralyzed. I still can't stand rabbits.

It feels like another lifetime. Like something that happened to someone else, yet I know. I know it was me. This was real, it wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't a daydream. It wasn't a movie, book or story. It was my life. And I was all alone about it all. I have no one to talk about this with, and if I had.. I don't think I would. But right now, this very moment.. I think it would have been nice to not be so alone.

There's a recent memory. I'd denied access to it for a long time. I think I wrote about it in the second letter to J. I haven't told my T about it. I don't know how.
I don't know how to open that conversation. I don't know what to expect will happen if I do. I am often tongue-tied when I'm at her office. She matters too me, and I don't want her to think less of me. I wish it wasn't so, but it is so. The memory is of last September. Mid-september. I had to go to a party with people from the organization I was part of. And J was there, so was his wife, his child and step children. I was terrified, I didn't know how to act normal. My car broke down so I couldn't drive away either. My only other option was to get drunk. I got wasted. But I still remember enough. I remember he would do stuff to me that was not appropriate. He made sure I kept drinking. I didn't bring enough alcohol that I could get that wasted over 3 days.  On the last day I asked what had happened the night before. I didn't remember much, and I had a big bump on the back of my head. They told me I was so drunk I could barely stand, and that J had been so kind as to take me for a walk to get me detoxed. "So kind". He grinned at me. And would whisper things in my ear throughout the day when we were cleaning up the place. I keep having to re-watch the tea-consent video on youtube to remind me that I didn't give concent. That I was too drunk to give concent. But even so, I feel sick. I feel dirty. And I don't think anyone should ever want to have anything to do with me.
I don't deserve people's kindness. I'm filthy. I'm used.

Trigger warning end.

When I started this post I was distraught. Writing it was hard as *. I might delete it later. We'll see.
But right now, I am back to being numb. Just numb.

[sanmagic7]

unfortunately, sceal, i couldn't read any of what you wrote in yellow.  but i give you credit for your strength and courage in writing it down.

i don't find that you 'impose' yourself.  this is such a great place to get out what doesn't belong inside us anymore.  plus, you're a very intelligent and supportive voice here. 

keep taking care of you.  writing is  one thing that has always helped me clarify and discover realizations.  may i encourage you to keep posting.  sending a hug full of warmth and love.

[Sceal]

I put it in yellow, so it would be less triggering for others if they were reading. You can highlight the text and it's readable.  I can always put it back to black.


Thank you, for your support. it makes me feel less alone right now.

[DecimalRocket]

That must have been so difficult for you, Sceal. 

TW**
I had a similar case when I was a child. Always imagining there were beings who were out to kill me and they were all secretly watching me. All because I thought I've been a bad child.
TW** end.

I hope you can give yourself a break and some rest. You deserve it — with all the hard work you've been doing. Take care, Sceal.

[Sceal]

Deserve?  I dont know about that. But thank you.

....

I feel so lost and alone. I keep fighting to not remember. I wish my T was here now, but shes not. I am finding myself unable to talk about the memories. I dont know how to start that conversation. So I stay quiet.

I am so worn I cant use any of my skills to distract. I cant even cry. I dont think i can cry for me. I dont have enough self love for that.

I hope there is point to this fight in the end.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Sceal]

Less than a week til my birthday.
For as long as I can remember I've dreaded my birthday, there's no particular reason for it. I mean, there was no trauma relating to my birthday. But maybe I just never felt I deserved being celebrated, and it always felt forced rather than something people wanted to celebrate with me.

I've been dreading my birthday for a month. Maybe more. Last year was a disaster. I turned big 30. To me it was a big number, a round day. And my parents decided that was the perfect day for them to fly abroad. My Mother and I had plans for years to celebrate our round days by going on a vacation together, earlier last year she cancelled, because she was tired. But she had enough energy to run away on my birthday. I didn't feel very loved. She gave me loads of money, I felt she was paying me off. I couldn't really afford saying no thanks.  When my parents came back from their holiday they wanted a birthday dinner for me. I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about it, and they got insulted. We ended up having one, but my mother didn't even show up. I was also in fullblown paranoia. I didn't sleep. I was so scared of everyone and everything. And I ended up being admitted to the psych. ward. My family didn't know, they still don't.
Perhaps it would have been different if they had known. But I also doubt it.

I just want my birthday to be over, so my dissapointment can fade away, and I can focus on something else. I hope it will be an alright day though. I invited a friend for "everyday celebration" as we call it when we go and have a drink in the middle of the week. I didn't tell her it was my birthday. But she figured it out and is now planning on making a cake for me. She's a very entertaining and funny friend. But she also has no idea what I've been through, it's nice to pretend to be normal for a few hours eventhough it always drains me for several days afterwards. But I'm trying to make the day a positive one. I'm trying to look forward to it.

[Hope66]

  to you Sceal - it's good that you have a friend who is funny and kind and that she's going to make you a cake for your Birthday - and I really hope that you'll enjoy the day - and that it will be different from the one you had last year.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, maybe you aren't able yet - i emphasize the word 'yet' - to know that you deserve rest, care, concern, kindness, nurturing, and love, but we'll give it to you anyway cuz we know you deserve it all.  it takes practice and work, but it'll get there.  it's just old messages that don't belong to you telling you you don't deserve to be treated well.

dang, what a crummy thing for your mom to do.  no wonder you felt like crapola.   i don't know when your birthday is exactly, but i'm sending heartfelt birthday wishes to you ahead of time.  and some celebratory fun to boot.









you deserve it all.  i'm a big birthday girl, myself, and believe they are very important.  for one thing, it marks another year that you have survived all the crapola thrown at you all your life.   to my mind, that deserves to be celebrated.  as do you for your courage and determination to make it thru another year.

so, i hope you have a lovely, fun time with your friend.  i'll be cheering for you for making it to the big 3-1.  you go!!!  big happy birthday hug in advance.