Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope and San, for the lovely birthday wishes.
My friend is great, but she requires high energy. I'll hope the cake she'll make will give me sufficient sugar rush Haha! My birthday is next Monday.

I was reading in my healing from trauma book today, that it's quite normal to resist self-care and self-compassion, but there are ways to gently step towards it. I think part of is that I feel I haven't done anything that makes me deserve compassion. I know the number one question is "Do you think your friends and loved ones has to do something in order to deserve love?" My answer is always "no" because I know it's the right answer. But I also believe that they have already done whatever it is one has to do in order to deserve the love. And I haven't yet, because I don't know what it is.  So I do have deep problems with the word "deserve". It's complicated, and I feel alot of shame around it because I can't properly explain why I don't think I deserve anything.
Though it's a little less strict than what it used to be - I suppose that's a score one for progress

You're right though, San, I did survive another year. I will try and think of it like that and not like I've wasted yet another year. I'll work on it.

[DecimalRocket]

  Hi, Sceal. It's your birthday soon? Happy almost birthday then! 

I'm not as good as thinking of what to say as you and the other people on this forum, but I hope you know that I'm listening at least. Listening to you with warm feelings. I don't always get what's going on with you and other people here, but I'll try.

Does the problem with the word deserve mean I shouldn't say it or I should say it to you more? I can't tell.

It's great you're able to read on your problems then. That's at least a little bit of progress, right?

Good luck, Sceal!

[sanmagic7]

with all due respect, sceal, i do believe you've already done everything needed to deserve respect, care, compassion, and love.  it's not so much doing, actually, as being.  as in being a human being.  you have a good heart, you care about others, you give of yourself, you allow people to make mistakes, and you own your own.  i could go on, but this list is already more than enough to merit deserving 'good' in your life.

it might take a while to see in yourself what i and others see in you.  however, you also have grit and determination, so i know you'll eventually get there.  you are precious, you are enough as you are, you don't have to prove anything, you are valid and valuable.   oooops, i just added to the list when i said i wasn't going to. 

sorry, but these things about you are just so evident to me, they come pouring out.  so sue me.  i can see it all in you so very clearly.   you are a sweetheart, and i'm so proud and lucky to have you in my life.  i can't tell you how much your candles meant to me.  yeah, there's another one.

big hug, sceal, filled with all the wonderful things you deserve.

[hopeful10]

Sceal,

I agree with Sanmagic7, you are so deserving of compassion and care, including your own. You are tough and kind. I know you will see it for yourself. You don't need anyone to give you permission.

Also, happy birthday!!

[Sceal]

Hey Rocket,

Does the problem with the word deserve mean I shouldn't say it or I should say it to you more? I can't tell.

It's more me not understanding the concept of "deserve". I don't mind people saying it, I just don't really understand. i grew up being told that I need to do stuff in order to deserve xy or z. Be it a good grade, food, pocket money, friends, trust, gifts, be allowed to hang out with friends. It's not that it was abusive, I think, just more different teachings - which has left me confused.

As for listening, I often listen too. I don't always have the words or know what to say to others. I'm always afraid I'll give advice when what they need is just support. It's hard. But I think I've learned from different people on this forum to give less advice over time. Sometimes being heard is the most powerful gift you can give someone.

Dear, dear San!
You touch me. I don't really have words. Thank you.
I try, I do try to do all the things that you say I'm already doing. And I hope I one day see myself the way you see me. It seems pretty nice

Hi Hopeful10,
Thank you so much. I hope you and San are both right.


I am really touched by you all. I really am.
---

I had a flashback during group yesterday and I fled the room. It's been a while since last time I felt I had to leave. One of the group leaders followed after me, and talked me back into this time and age. I'm very grateful to her. But it reminded me that I do have less long-lasting and powerful flashbacks at the moment. The memories are there, and they poke and prod me everyday. But there's a difference between a disturbing recollection of memories and a full blown visual and sensual flashback.

I went for a walk after group, it was nice just being out in the cold air. Walking around this pond twice before I drove home and had lunch. It calmed me sufficiently down, or rather I wasn't feeling as raw and vulnerable afterwards. I wish there were flat areas where I live so I could more easily go for walks. I live in the middle of a hill. It's either upwards in 10 minutes to the busstop. Or it's really really steep downhill for 10 min to another busstop. Eitherway, I'll have to go up and downhill. My asthma is highly triggered these days, and an asthma attack is so close to a panic attack - and I'm incredible relcutant to induce either.

Today though, I had a long warm shower. I even used some silky smooth skin moisturizer (I close to never use any), as a treat. Preparing myself for tonight. I have to be social and then I'm going to meet up at the SA center again. I know I need it. I've needed it all week. But I also know it takes a huge toll. But like someone said once - being inactive and resting doesn't give you more energy. The more you rest and the more inactive you are the more tired you become. I guess it's the same with mental health. The more I ignore it and push it down, the worse it'll get over time. And I've decided it's time to meet the mental-monster.  But that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it.

A positive thing though:
I've drawn up a few sketches for potential illustrations/fine art for the gallery show next year. It felt good to get started. The clay I ordered have also arrived. Now I just need a clay-table and I can get back into sculpting!

[sanmagic7]

well, my dear sceal, i do believe that putting an expectation of 'doing something' in order to deserve something good is a type of abuse.  i've learned along the line (altho, believe me, i struggle with this as well) that deserving something good does not need to be earned by doing something good.

all those attributes of yours i mentioned about, rarely were they about an action that you took (yeah, you help others here and you lit candles for me, those are actions), but more about you simply being a good-hearted human being.  which is what you are.  that emanates from you in your perspective, your beliefs, your self.

when we're taught that we have to do things that are pleasing to others in order to 'deserve' to be treated decently, with respect, kindness, caring, nurturing, love, acceptance, etc. , i belive that's just wrong.  that's conditions to being loved, honored for who you are, for your individual self.  i think that's abusive.

rather, we deserve positives in life simply because we exist.  as babies, there was nothing we could do to 'earn' all those good things - but little by little, too many of us were taught differently.  if we stopped crying, we were told we were 'good'.  if we didn't like a certain food, didn't want to eat it, or didn't want to eat more than we were hungry for, we were 'bad'.

these messages are distorted, and distort our minds and our ways of thinking about ourselves.  i was from a family of 'finish what's on your plate - there are starving children in china', and i struggle with eating too much to this day.  i deserved to have my appetite and food preferences respected from day 1, but i didn't get that, so i still battle against it.

did you ever look up the word 'deserve' and find out what it actually means?  maybe that will help you understand it.   you are so precious and caring, sceal, you deserve only the very best.

glad your ef was much shorter this time, and you were able to come back to the present more quickly.  sounds like progress to me.  and very cool that your creative side is making itself known.  you go!  big hug filled with warmth and love.

[Sceal]

I didn't hear about the starving kids in china, but I did hear about the starving kids in africa.
And we did do a lot of charity stuff as collecting clothes, blanket and our old (but not unbroken) toys and sent it off to families in old Jugoslavia, when the war waged on there in the early 90ies. 

Me and some of my neighbours and classmates created this home-made "cirkus" of performances for family and neighbours where we sold popcorn, dilluted juice and coffee. We spent about a month or two rehearsing and practicing and figuring out our acts and costumes and such. We held it in a big room (for a house). And afterwards I remember, I was only about 6 or 7 years old, we were surprised we had actually gotten quite a bit of money. (I think we were more surprised that we had money than the amount to be honest. Despite charging people for stuff... We weren't the cleverest children). We had no idea what to do with the money so we donated it all to the Bosnia-Herzegovinia war. We were constantly told they had so much less than us, it was natural for us to give it to them. I am still kind of proud of my younger self's selflessness and charity mode.

But I think maybe that was part of the message being distorted as you said. That I somehow had to keep up that level of performance and charity towards others at all times in order to be worthy, or deserve love. And as a child on my own, out in nowhere, I had no power at all to gather money or do charity work at all. And as I grew older I felt I still couldn't live up to it. And maybe now I feel like I never did enough, that I used my illness and trauma's as "excuses" for not doing enough for others. A part of me know that it's not true, and that I was and are in no condition to perform to such expectations.

I talked a little about this with the lady at the SA center yesterday. It was a very difficult conversation, because telling people that there are different rules for me and for others are never a good sign. I know, theoretically, that it's not true. Theoretically I know that I, technically, should have the same rights as everyone else. But in my mind, in my world it's different. I'm less worth, I have to work harder, much harder in order to keep up with the levels and expectations that everyone else does so easily. I know it's warped. And I do have a really hard time explaining it properly, and even to talk about it. Because it's one of those things that you shouldn't say to a therapist if you want to avoid being categorized as crazy. 
It's like it's the "Right Answer" and then it's the "My Truth". And those doesn't always correlate. It's better than what it used to be, by all means. I've challenged this line of thought for a few years now. but it's still there, and sometimes it is so very strong.


I had a nice session with my T today. I brought back her ball that I got to borrow, and when I got to numb we started throwing it and my awareness came back quite quickly. We started talking about the food-list that she's having me do. We didn't go into details on it this time, she was looking through them. And told me she thought I had done a really good job. Especially as I had done 9/10 days, and it's a very challenging thing to do 4 times a day. I started fidgting and having other body-language reactions as I smiled and said "thank you". So the remaining session talked about that. Exploring and experimenting with my ability to percieve and accept compliments. I told her they don't feel like they belong to me. Even if they are said directly to me, they don't belong to me. It's not about me. It's someone else's.
She started asking what I felt, physically. By using mindfulness techniques. It took a few tries, but as she repeated "You did a good job", and I tried to tell myself it too I felt like there was a barrier inside of me. Protecting a feeling of insecurity, a scared child. And everytime she kept saying the positive affirming words the barrier would grow stronger. Until I was numb.
It was an interessting experiment and discovery - working this way. I learned a long time ago that smiling and saying thank you's are the polite and appropriate response to compliments. They are nice to hear, sweet and lovely. And maybe if I hear it enough I will one day believe them.

I've sometimes felt like I was a child, like looking around at the world and listening to the conversations the adults have and feeling like a clueless child in an adult body. It's a strange sensation. But it's ME though, not another age or version of me. Just me. This time it was a child inside though, in a dark room. But it was so clear. I've never had that before. I'm not even sure if I know this child.

I came to wonder, maybe this partly why I'm not able to move on. Because I got invisible barriers inside of me that I don't know about.

It became a long post today, but there's just so much going through my head.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i'm convinced that this c-ptsd beast can be conquered with love.  what you said about if you keep hearing enough compliments, maybe they'll eventually be able to get thru.  i believe that.

i believe it because i've been bombarded over and over on this forum with care, kindness, and love, and i have no other explanation for my ability to make it thru some of these days because of the constant bombardment.  these people have kept it coming, even tho i couldn't feel it, even tho my defenses were up, and i'll swear that it's opened my heart just that much more that it can be warmed now, touched by the support of people here.

so, i'll keep pushing the compliments toward you, not just as an act of pity or duty, but because i believe them of you.  you are a wondrous human being, kind, considerate, big-hearted, caring, concerned and loving just because you are.  you deserve to hear this over and over only because it's true.  it's you, it's who you are.

not what you do, naw, that's not the reason you deserve to be loved and admired.  it's only because of the person you are, a beautiful, wondrous being with a sensitive soul.    i hope your t keeps pushing this for you.  you deserve it.  warm, loving hug to you, sceal, you lovely thing.

[Sceal]

Thank you, San. 

[Hope66]

Hi again Sceal,
Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday - I feel sure it's any day now - so I hope you have a nice Birthday.    to you. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi again Sceal,
Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday - I feel sure it's any day now - so I hope you have a nice Birthday.    to you. 
Hope 

Thank you Hope, it's tomorrow actually.

I had my obiligatory family birthday dinner. I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting. My father is off at work, so it was my sister, her boyfriend, my mother and my aunt and a home-made meal. It was a little strained. No one had anything to talk about.
The food was good, and I got presents. It was nice I suppose, but I'll have to admit I felt indifferent. And I do feel guilty about feeling indifferent.

Earlier today though I went for a stroll on one of the city-mountains. It was nice with some fresh air and nice company from my support-person.

Tomorrow is the "big" day. It'll be dinner, a drink and the movies. We're going to watch Murder on the Orient Express.  I am pondering if I should try go to the gym first, or go swimming. Maybe I'll feel less guilty for the chocolate I ate today and the potential cake tomorrow.

I haven't hear anything back from my friend I texted. I guess I'm no longer her friend. I don't know if I should contact her again in a few days. I'm not sure what to write in that text though. The first one was hard enough as it was.

Yesterday was a long, long day. I was worn out. I know why, it was a few days in a row where there was a lot of therapeutic but confrontional conversations. It tends to blow the wind out of me and makes me alot more vulnerable. I agreed with the SA-centre woman that I would write her a letter that we could go through at the next meeting. I started writing it yesterday, and unfortunatedly I ended up SI. I've not done that since June. I know I should think it's a big setback. But I feel indifferent about that too. And I want to continue, but I'm fighting my impluses. The goal is to keep fighting it until my next session with my T next Thursday.  I wasn't able to finish the letter to the SA-center lady. I will have to try and finish the letter today. I want to deliver it tomorrow or on Tuesday. The sooner the better.

Health-wise: I don't know how I am doing. I don't know if I've plateued. If I am progressing, if I'm slowly going downwards. If this is as functional as I get. I can't tell. I can't be objective about it, and they keep telling me I am the expert of me. So, apparently only I can tell.

I am really scared about the surgery. It's elective, and not a life threatening one. But if I don't get complications it has a very high chance of improving so many things. Asthma, depressions, cholesterol, bloodpressure, preventing diabetes as well as social-psychological effects. But the complications are quite scary. A lifetime of throwing up, nausea and heartburn? Increased risk of gallstones, and potential danger of having to remove the gallbladder if it gets too bad. And these are just the things I'm aware of. I felt there was very little informaiton, maybe it will come later. I guess, since it's an elective surgery, you're more prone to only hear about the bad outcomes. And people keep telling me about them. I wish they wouldn't. I know I need to know the risk, but this is just terrifying me.
I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, I'll ask her about it. Last time I saw her she said she thinks this is my last, and only option I got left.

I'm home alone now.
vulnerable, scared and sad.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Sceal, I have nothing much to say.

Just know that I'm here and I understand how afraid you are with this surgery. I've been terrified in my life with many things too.

Here's a hug, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Rocket
back to you

[AphoticAtramentous]

Happy Birthday, Sceal.
I hope you'll enjoy your time out, with your "big" day and all.

[Sceal]

Thank you, Aphotic!

Ive put on a sparkly dress and covered it up with a black jumper. I even put on make-up. Which I never do!
Ive spent my morning sewing my jacket to a better fit and now I am watching Stranger Things.

Its been an enjoyable morning. Ive done my best not to think about bad * or process things.

Hopefully rest of the day will go peaceful.