Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

I've been dreaming alot lately. Well, technically I always do. I tend to remember all my dreams.
I've been dreaming of Her. I thought she could be trusted, I thought I could fit in, I thought it was safe. But it wasn't safe, it wasn't safe at all. The Husband is what ruined me all over again, who is the demon who I fight.

In the dream She came back, she accused me. It was all my fault. I left Her, I left Her children. I was to blame. I was a liar, it was hours with being accused of ruining Her life, of being utterly useless and a cheat.

It wasn't a good dream. I've been left out of sorts ever since. Looking at my sheet for DBT where I'm to track down emotions, awareness, sleep and such.. it's been very little dotted down. I don't recall. Two full days are blank, two other days are barely written in at all.
It's a shame a dream has so much power over you.
I don't know how I feel.
I feel distanced.

[Three Roses]

 

[Sceal]

  Thank you, I needed that

[Sceal]

TW ---- (Anger, Rape, society)

I mentioned the other day that I'm reading a book about rape victims, and about sexual assaults. That I had waited to read it, because I knew it would trigger me. I knew it would be difficult.
And it is. But it's difficult in a different way than what I thought it'd be.
It is increasing my shame about what happened to me, about my part in all of it.
But it is also making me angry. Angry at society, at the way they, we, blame the victims. Or blame the parents who raised the rapist.
Or even worse "The poor boy will have his life ruined now", like what happened around the Brock Turner's case in the states.

This is NOT okay. This mentality has to stop. Instead of it becoming better, it seems to me it's just becoming worse. Or maybe it's that the uglyness is rearing it's awful disgusting head more visibly now than before? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that something changes.

I want to be apart of that change. I want to help others. I want to spread knowledge, information, and comfort. I want to prevent it from keep happening.

I know that this is just a momentarilly bout of energy that I have. That I have enough on my plate to figure out and work on before I start actually helping others. But this would give meaning to my life. Besides, I have no idea how I COULD help. I would like to work at the SA center. But I am not sure they would have me. But other than that place.. I don't know. I don't know how I could be helpful.
I can't stand on a stage and talk the big talk, or get kids and grown ups to listen to me. I am not charismatic enough, or have a powerful enough voice. Nor do I feel like sharing MY story to the rest.

So what do I do? What can I do?

-- End TW --

[Sceal]

Hectic dream night last night.
Woke up feeling heavy and dislocated.
in two hours I'm seeing my T. Hopefully she's read the letter. and hopefully not.  I am scared and worried she will be upset or angry.
Eventhough there's not reason for it. ( for her to be and me to be scared).

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I really hope that your session goes well today and that your T is receptive to your letter.  Wishing you strength today and hoping that you are ok.
Hope you sleep better tonight.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal, I hope you're alright. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's alright to make mistakes. I want to give some insights — but I don't claim to know perfectly what you're going through, so disregard what doesn't work for you. Especially since even with myself growing to be too empathetic at times, I still have that distant logical side I've had through life to manage it.

Most of us can't stop the rain, but we can hold an umbrella over someone's heads.

We think of grand speakers, but not the people who spread their words in everyday life. We think of grand thinkers, but we don't think of the small suggestions others have contributed to their ideas over time. We think of grand feelers, but not small acts of kindness and vulnerability from others that allowed them to have a deep acceptance to others and themselves over time.

Maybe we can't change the world, but we can change the worlds inside people in everyday life. When it's seen as a world inside them, it can seem big. And maybe that one person would go on to spread that change to others too, spreading the kindness further.

You've done a lot for me, Sceal, with the little you do. And I bet at least a few others on OOTS too. Remember those Brene Brown books you suggested to me? I'm really learning from them — to be a little bit more accepting, soften my logical side somewhat and be a little more open.

Thanks. 

[Sceal]

Hi Sceal,
I really hope that your session goes well today and that your T is receptive to your letter.  Wishing you strength today and hoping that you are ok.
Hope you sleep better tonight.
Hope 

Thank you Hope! I am okay. I was in all knots when I waited for her, and it was a change of routine, she and 5 others had to move offices because one came back from maternity leave and wanted her old office back (Sounded weird to me!). Her new office is much bigger, but there's no distracting window right beside the door. So I think I like it better.
We talked about the last three weeks, going through the week-charts that I have to do as part of the therapy. and I started getting even more unfocused and anxious. And I managed to tell her I was feeling vulnerable. I was unable to ask her if she'd gotten the letter. I figured she hadn't, otherwise she'd have brought it up.

Instead we did a pro and con list on why I should excersise on being more present in everyday life. And a pro-and con list for not being present. The first list was mixed equally. My ambivilence towards it was quite clear. But on the pro and con list for not being present, there was a con that said as long as I keep fading away, and dissociating, I'll not gain progress. And that stung a bit. Realizing that. The short term goals completely destroys my long-term one.

I asked at the end of the session about the letter. She was going to go look for it today, and we'll talk about it next time.
I discovered something today, now I just have to make use of it and implement it.


Dear Rocket, I'm at a loss for words of how to reply your answer right now. So I'll come back to you a little later (possibly today)

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Glad you are ok and hope your night is better tonight - and that you sleep well.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Sceal, you're mentioning your thoughts here! Even if your post just reaches a few rape survivors on here, that's something! On better days, I believe in the snowball effect. My words reach someone who expands on my thoughts and passes them on etc. I don't have to move mountains all by myself.

I hope you sleep better tonight, with fewer or no nightmares!

[Sceal]

@Hope, Thank you. I hope so too. I hope your day has been nice to you as well. 

@Blueberry I remember there was a movie that was close to my heart when I was younger, I think it was called "pass it on" or something. It's similar to the snowball effect. I have been told before that I've helped others. But, it just somehow, doesn't feel like enough. I can't really explain it.

@Rocket
I am okay, and I am not okay. It's a very weird state to be in. Most of the time I feel fine, but then I stop myself and ask "Am I really though?", and that's when I notice the faint warning signs that I'm not. But it's so faint, I can't deal with it.

Your analogy is beautiful, and a good reminder. Both on the fact that it's not always the big ideas that matter, but the smaller ones. And also that the smaller steps matter, in order to reach the bigger goals.

It warms me that I've been able to help you, Rocket. And I am glad too, that you are able to make use of Brene Brown's wisdom. I really like her, I recently adviced a RL friend about her too.

----  (This might be just long bunch of nothings and somethings.) (TW)
My head is spinning. So many thoughts. I'm restless. I want to do so much, but at the same time.. I really don't want to do anything.
My body is tense, but that's nothing new. It's just.. I've noticed I'm tensed up when I sleep too. I'm all stiff and painful during the morning. Like I've been clenching my upper body all night.  I don't have physio therapist anymore. I stopped going to the one I had after she went so insistent on the food. She overstepped her boundaries. I couldn't face her again.
I had another one once who asked me, after seeing all the scars on my arm if I stole the blades from my workplace. *? Seriously. Why would I need to steal a blade? They are so incredible easy to come by. Needless to say, I never went back to her either. Though I did stay that appointment. And I had laughed at her question as if it was the silliest thing in the world to ask. It wasn't. It was deeply humiliating and insulting.

I treated myself to a spa day an afternoon I was off work, the summer before the last rape. I was in a good place at the time. I went to the swimming pool area first. They had a regular one, an heated outdoor one overseeing the fjord, and they had a cold pool, and a huge bubble pool. And I had it almost all to myself. It was glorious. I was in the swimming area for 2 hours before I went to get my massage. It was a full body one, with mud and stuff. I had no idea what to expect.. but it was AMAZING. I felt revived. I had never felt so relaxed and painfree since kindergarten. I drove home. And that's when it hit me. The pain. It was so intense and excruciating. I rarely yell out. Mainly only when I stub my toe. But I was lying in "child pose", squirming on the floor screaming. My BF at the time freaked out, he didn't know what to do. The night was spent at the ER. They let me come home at 5 in the morning. I was exhausted. It turns out that... The massage had relieved so much tension in my body, my muscles and nerves didn't know what to do with it. They panicked. Went into shock.
I've never dared to be massaged after that. Although I dream of it. I dream of having the muscles knots lifted and released.
It is making me cry, just the thought of the relief of all that pain.

During therapy today there was a moment when I started asking questions, and i felt a little proud of myself. I finally dared to ask, but she shot me down because the questions were based in shame, and we were trying to make me come out of a shame-prison. I didn't realise it was shame asking the question at the time. But I suppose it was. I was challenging why I should act differently, why I should do the oposite. Why that would help. And then when I calmed down further she asked me what had happened to make me calm down. I knew what. She had talked me out of it. But somehow I couldn't give her that answer. Somehow I couldn't give her any answer at all. But she knew. She said that she had talked me out of it. Infact, she said it was an "ugly hypothesis" of hers. I felt it was spot on, so I couldn't see how it was ugly. so I asked. She said it was because it was judgemental on her part. Because I needed someone else to help me out, and she was trying to teach me how to be more emotionally independent. (she didn't use that phrasing).
It made me think.. She has a point. I need to learn to do these things on my own. Normally I just let time pass. Passing time tends to diminish shame and other emotions. They come in a wave and wash over you, and then go back to the sea where they came.

It also made me realise.. she is prepared to send me off my merry way soon. Maybe my letter was too late. Maybe it has no effect. Maybe... I have to accept that I don't have a say when it comes to my own treatment.

[Elphanigh]

Sceal there are a lot of great insights in your post.  I echo Blueberry in the thought that sharing your ideas and experience here touches all of us, which is so powerful. I am constantly grateful for your insights I your post.

Your T sounds like she has good intentions, but it is hard to tell from reading sometimes.

Sending you lots of warmth and comfort of that is helpful 

[Sceal]

Sceal there are a lot of great insights in your post.  I echo Blueberry in the thought that sharing your ideas and experience here touches all of us, which is so powerful. I am constantly grateful for your insights I your post.

Your T sounds like she has good intentions, but it is hard to tell from reading sometimes.

Sending you lots of warmth and comfort of that is helpful 

Thank you Elphanigh, it really do mean alot to know that I am touching others. I wonder if I see the same insights as you guys do. Most of the time I just feel like I'm spewing stuff out that I don't know what to do with. 

And I agree, My T has good intentions. I don't always convey her the best way, I know. Or more like, it's easy to misinterpret. Sometimes I think I give her too much credit due to the fact I admire her so much, but in her treatment of me, I am sure she does what she thinks is best. I need to try and communicate more clearly.

---- ( Another long post! I'm sorry!)
Oh Wow! What a day!
I'm exhausted.

The morning was calm and easy. I arrived early for my DBT group session, which is when I started to get uneasy. I tried asking myself questions to identify why I was becoming uneasy. Why is my foot shaking? Why is there a lump in my stomach? Why do I feel like going outside? Why am I paying attention to every single sound in this building? But there wasn't any answer really.
There was a man who arrived at the waiting area after me, who I struggled with his presence a bit. But I felt it was unfair to him, he was obviously there for a reason. And so he should be allowed space to be there without me judging or fleeing.

When the group started we did a short mindfulness task like always. I found it easy. It was drawing after a simple picture upside down. I've done it so many times before, it becomes automatic. I felt nothing, I was thinking of nothing. I wasn't present, and I wasn't un-present. If that make any sense. So when we went around the table to say what we thought and felt and observed during this task I couldn't say anything. I'd finished way before the time was up.  Then we started talking about last week's homework. I hadn't done it. I looked at it yesterday, but I couldn't do it. I remembered nothing from last week. Or, having spent 1.5 day thinking about last week I now remember parts of Wednesday, but that's it. The rest is a big blank canvas. Nothing.
One of the girls talked through her homework, and how she handled a conflict with her friend was really admireable. Such calm and poise.  And then the world became... untangible. Un-real. Something was wrong, and I couldn't tell what. I couldn't pay attention to what people were saying, I could hear them talk, and I could hear the words, but as a whole sentence I couldn't comprihend.

I started counted backwards in sequence of 2. 90, 88, 86, 84 etc.. It didn't help, I tried to do it more difficult 100, 97, 94, 91 etc... It didn't help. I tried touching the chair and the table, and the binder. It didn't help. I started staring at those talking willing my brain to work. Nope. Then it was breaktime. I felt like, like there was a fog surrounding my brain. When people talked and looked directly at me I could focus, sort of. slowly. It required energy. Suddenly there was a lot of people in the breakroom (there wasn't. It was just the same people in the group room). So much noise. It didn't do. So I left. Back to the group room, but one of the leaders were talking to another participant. So I walked to the toilet to get some peace instead. It was somehow worse there. More disconnected. That toilet could have been any toilet in the world. I felt even more disconnected. I started having trouble directing my limbs, so I went back into the group room.
After the break we were going to watch a video by Brene Brown on Empathy (If you haven't seen it, google it. It's amazing). I've seen it before. And the two group leaders afterwards were going to make a roleplay scenario, meaning one of the sign-language interpeters intended to stand behind me. That was out of the question. So instead of gently saying it'd be a problem for me for her standing behind me, I said "You can't stand behind me" in a half-paniced voice. The group leaders were perfectly okay with it. But I started hating myself. And the voices jumped on the chance to critisize. "Who do you think you are?", "That wasn't very nice was it?", "You're making problems for the half-deaf girl now", "That was rude!", "you should be ashamed of yourself". And I was gone. The room dissapeared, the people dissapeared. I don't know for how long, at some point I heard someone say my name over and over again, and I looked up and suddenly there were people all around me. So I left the group room. It wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. The group leader came after me, and she helped me. It took a while to ground me. We threw a pillow back and forth. And used Ice cold water on my hands to center me.
It felt better, being back. Or being more back. And I felt guilty. I feel I somehow chose to fall away, and after yesterday's therapy session I've realised falling away, not being present, is the oposite of making progress.  I still feel guilty.

I went for an easy walk afterwards. Just to clear my head and my emotions. to get some clarity. It worked until I got home. My roomate was awake and I got annoyed. I suspect I got annoyed because I needed more time to myself, and there wasn't room for it.
I tried to write down a to-do list of the things I need to sort out.

Next week's homework.
Today's studying,
Writing down healing and helpful techniques in a small handheld book I am going to call "The Wisdom book" (it's a Ravenclaw book, so it kind of fits. )
Write a script on an e-mail I should send out to different companies asking for advice in regards to "what kind of education do I need to work at your place? If any?"

I am worried about the future still. I can't seem to figure out what I want. the more I uncover, the more and more and more questions pop up and I don't know where to start.

If you read to the bottom of this... Thank you. I know this was a lot.

[Blueberry]

  sry can't manage more.

[Three Roses]

 Is it alright if I offer you a hug? 

I dissociate in a different way - but it is still embarrassing to me and usually leaves me feeling shame.

The other day, I got triggered while grocery shopping and I started to feel that falling sensation, it feels like everything is shrinking away from me. My husband who was with me later mentioned I seemed different, so it was discernible to others. But even though I dissociated, this time I didn't feel the usual shame! And I think it's because I've finally accepted that this is a reaction not in my mind, but in my brain. It's not something we can think ourselves out of! It's not a character flaw, it's a physical reaction to stress.

When our brain has misinterpreted the signals in our environment and thrown the body into one of the 4F reactions, we can communicate with our parasympathetic nervous system in a number of ways, to trigger it into sending the body back into a more calm state;

When we are frightened or stressed, we take short shallow breaths which serve as one of the signals to activate the sympathetic nervous system and go on full hormonal alert. By taking a long, slow deep breath, we can in effect send the "all clear" signal for the body to stand down from high alert. Muscles unclench, the heart rate lowers, and hormonal equilibrium is restored.

(From https://www.kidscooperate.com/blog/communicating-with-your-nervous-system)

By taking in a slow breath (say, to the count of 3) and then exhaling slowly (longer, maybe to the count of 6), we set in motion a chain reaction that leads our body into a more relaxed state.

Just thought I'd share that with you. Dissociating can be so embarrassing and discouraging, but you're not alone, and there are solutions. That one works for me. I hope you find one that works for you.