Sceal's Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal, I haven't read your latest entry in your Journal, but I saw that SanMagic commented that you'd been through a 'lot' and I just wanted to wish you well and give you a  - I hope to read your Journal another day, but for today, I just wanted to say 'Hi' and wish you well.
Hope 

[Sceal]

@Rocket, Nice to see you again too!

It takes me a while to get back up on my feet again after such a week. I'm still having a "hangover", but I am getting there.
I do like being active, and I like having things to do. But I have to admit I really do need my down-time too. Being an introvert at heart, and then have the mental stuff on top. It makes it difficult for finding a balance of how much is too much?

@San,
I am glad to see you're back. I've thought about you frequently during your time off.
I do hope I make more progress than I did during last session with T, otherwise we'll never get through it all. if I am to break out above the tolerance window everything something hard gets discussed. It just takes me so long to get back down inside the tolerance window.
And I find it so strange that it's so much more intensified when I'm at her office, than when I'm with other people. I suppose, because I don't really talk about THAT with others, actually, I don't even talk to her about it either. But I want and need that to change.
I have to be brave, and I have to somehow work around the voices telling me "No, don't you dare talk about it".

So much mental energy!

@Hope,
Don't worry about it. It's a looong entry. It's not that it was anything bad that I was going through, it was just a very exhausting week with alot to process and no time to do so.  Thank you for coming by and saying hi, I apprechiate it so much

[sanmagic7]

take your time, sceal.  the day will come when you'll be ready to make the next leap, and it will happen.  you don't have to push yourself if you don't want to.  it really does take a lot of energy, so i hope you can give yourself some time for healing and getting back to your tolerance level. 

sometimes i think of this work like weightlifting.  when we lift weights, we make microscopic tears in our muscles.  that's why we need to rest that muscle group at least a day or two to give it time to repair those tears, which is what makes our muscles stronger.

after the resting period, we do it again, increasing the weights or the reps, and creating those tiny tears again.  and, the cycle must continue the same way - a day or two of rest for those tears to heal, mend, and consequently make those muscles even stronger. 

actually, the weightlifting analogy just came to me, but it seemed to calm me somewhat while writing it.  still, that rest period is crucial for our muscles (be they physical, emotional, or mental) to have the time to repair themselves so that they can get stronger.   lift, tear, rest, repair, and repeat.  maybe i stumbled on a physical metaphor for emotional wound work.  it makes sense to me.

i hope it makes sense to you.   big warm loving hug to you, sceal.  give yourself time - you've been lifting some heavy weights. 

[Sceal]

It's just that I am impatient. And I can feel that the time is running away from me. I know that's silly, because technically I'm still young. I'm 31. But starting education at 30, and not even full time. it'll make my education and future possible jobs delayed by nearly 10 years. Very few people at the age of 40 gets a new job without prior experience in my country.  So I worry that I don't have all the time that I need. Yet, I am starting to move towards a different view of things.

Perhaps getting a degree in a respectable manner isn't the most important thing after recovery. Perhaps I could be happy with something simpler. Something that doesn't drain all of my energy.  But then again, I am reminded that I really do love learning about psychology and being at the lectures. and that I really do want to help people.
I find it difficult to balance.

Which in a way, makes it difficult for me to balance therapy too. Push myself enough, too little, or too much. When is too much? How much downtime should I allow myself? So many questions. It's hard to figure them out.
Though I do love your analogy of breaking down tissues within the muscles and building it back up during the rest-period. Very interessting line of thought! I will have to ponder more on it!  Thank you, dear *big hug*

----

Yesterday I finally managed to sell some parts of my diving equipment. I got it for FAR less than it's worth, and less than I wanted originally. But I've tried to sell it for roughly 5 months now, and no luck. I had another offer, but I declined it. It was too low. I got less now, but I got more equipment left that I can sell.

Unfortunatedly he got more equipment with him than I intended. I had put it forth so that I could perhaps try and tempt him to buy it too. But he assumed it was part of the deal.. And I wasn't able to say no. Ah well.

I am both trying to covery my financial loss. But the equipment itself holds a big emotional toil for me. It's a daily reminder of people who didn't treat me well. Regardless if they intended to treat me well at times, most of the time they were manipulating and grooming me. I don't want that daily reminder. I'm done with them. I've moved on. So it feels good to get rid of some of the bigger items. And also, it takes up alot of space, and I don't have much space.

I am trying to throw out stuff that I haven't used in years, or ever used. Or intend to use again. You know, that STUFF that we tend to accumulate through just living. Gifts, souvenirs, things you picked up on a sale sometime. Stuff you never use, and forget you even own. That sort of stuff. I want it gone. I sort of do this a few times a year. And it's amazing how much new stuff I find to throw away.
I must either have missed it the other rounds or thought "Meeeh... MAYBE I'll use it... " or "Memories!!", I've come to the conclusion though, I don't need all the memories. And I don't need all the memorabilia that I NEVER look at anyway.

I do have a Treasure box. Actually, it's an old shoe-box. But I've filled it with cards, and post-cards, and pictures, and small souvenirs from good memories and trips. Sometimes I look through it. Just to keep it in memory, you know? (And hopefully, if I one day get Alzheimers or Dementia... It's those memories I'll remember.. Not the awful ones. I'll admit... tbh, that is my biggest fear with growing older. Not dying or being sick. But being stuck in old, painful, horrible memories)

[Sceal]

I hadn't recovered enough from last week.
I did too much yesterday.
I'm back down to feeling like an oozing zombie slug.

[Sceal]

Since some of my old posts weren't moved over, I thought I'd just give a summery of how I am actually doing.

It's been a very interessting time lately. I've noticed, accepted and acknowledged my own progress. I think my depression sort of faded away as I did so as well.

I stayed strong, and didn't give up on getting my tent back. I held my ground, even though it was only one-way communication. And in aftermath, I do not mourn the loss of the friendship we had. It's a bummer, but I am doing better without leaning on someone who didn't respect me, and who would expect me to do favours for her, without doing any in return.

I managed to sell some of my diving equipment which I connect with my last rapist and his wife. I'm not rid of it all, but I got some of the bigger items out of my home, and it's a relief. Even if I had a big financial loss.

I managed to say in a group full of strangers at uni, that I will not undertake any of the talks that we are urged to do infront of 100 odd people from the class, and they accepted me setting the boundary for myself. Without asking questions, or saying things like "You can do it!". I know I can, if I have to. But it will be too high a price to pay. So I said no. Without freaking out.

I am more active and participating more in group therapy. I don't run out. And I don't let this other girl affect me anymore. She's a neusance, and I think she's exaggerating her issues. She do have issues. I have no idea what she's been through, and I'll be honest. I don't want to know. She's demanding, and if she doesn't get what she wants she gets pissy. And it affects the entire group.

I FINALLY went to beginners course in cuban salsa. Which is a very sensual dance, and a place where most of the guys present are there to pick up girls (hopefully in their minds). So I'll have to allow strangers touch me, without flinching or running away. And I had the most wonderful time! It was scary at first. Anxiety reared it's ugly head for half a minute, and then it left. That in itself is quite puzzling.

I've been drinking, I invited a few friends out to drink. Which is very unlike me. And the one who knows me the best from the past year, is suspecting I'm well on my way into a hypo-manic phase. I sleep less, and I eat less regularily (although the choice of food has been crap). And I have more plans to fill my days.
Once DBT ends, I'm going to join another group. I signed up for a research project, I am going to go dancing at least twice a week. I am seriously considering buying a ticket somewhere and just go off on my own. In April. Somewhere warm and sunny. Maybe portugal? I am starting a dungeons and dragons group. I have joined another. I still have my studies to do!

My shame is less, my anxiety is less. my sadness is overall less. And the strangest thing happen the other day. I lay awake in bed, and I fully believed in myself. I truly do believe in myself. I felt for the first time in my life that I deserve being happy, and having a great time.  I'm not even stressed about my economy.

I can't help wondering... Is this just who I am. Who I am, outside of my trauma's and struggles? If so, I kind of like it. I can work towards this person.
I don't recognize myself, it feels surreal, wonderful, and weird. I can't really describe it.
I'm in two minds about wether I should tell my T next week.. or if I should just see for how long it lasts.

Or maybe my friend is right, I'm heading straight for a hypo-mania. I'm in two minds about that too. It'd be wonderful to have that natural rush again. But I know I did alot of stupid, regretful things that ultimatedly ended up me being in the perfect place of being abused, manipulated and raped last time I was hypomanic.

I am not worried. I don't feel concerned. Just curious. Explorative.
What did I do, what happened, what changed?  To make me come to this place.

[Three Roses]

(Feel free to copy and paste entries from your journal on the old site to here! )

[Sceal]

(Feel free to copy and paste entries from your journal on the old site to here! )

Thank you, Three Roses, but I don't feel I need to.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm a little uncomfortable with emotions right now so I can't say something that warm now. But I just want to say that I've listened to all that, and wish you the best.

Well, see you.

[Sceal]

I'm a little uncomfortable with emotions right now so I can't say something that warm now. But I just want to say that I've listened to all that, and wish you the best.

Well, see you.

Thank you Rocket! I apprechiate it! And I hope the days will get better for you real soon!

[sanmagic7]

dearest sceal, i think that all you've accomplished, all you're beginning, is wonderful.  is it hypomanic?  i don't know.  but i do believe that the fact that you're aware of the possibility is something in your favor.  that awareness can help you avoid some of the mistakes you may have made in the past.

i don't think it's a bad idea to tell your t about this.  it gives 2 pairs of eyes watching out for you. 

i know people who have enrolled in salsa classes, and they have loved it.  i haven't heard any complaints about sexually abusing people or taking advantage.  dancing can be very intimate, and latin dancing of all kinds can be sexually charged, but boundaries are still allowed.  if you're not comfortable with something, you have the right to speak up.

i do think it can be a positive way to get used to touch.   it's also wonderful exercise.  i'm a dance fan myself, even by myself when i'm so moved, in my little room.  congrats on going for this, sceal.  really.  so very cool.  big hug filled with excitement and love and adventure.  and congrats on putting out those boundaries in group.  my my, look at you!

[Sceal]

I feel much calmer today. The energy isn't buzzing anymore. But, I'm still feeling overall good. There are just minor things that bugs me right now. Like... All the crap in the appartment I can't make myself get rid of. But it looks so cluttered. But it's just.. it's nothing. And I laugh at myself for being bothered by it. It doesn't matter!

I do wish I had motivation to actually study. My exam is 3 weeks away, and it's a 50% chance of flunking. And I'm not even halfway through the material, eventhough I've been reading steadily since end of november. Ah well. I'll try. I'm moderatedly stressed about it. But nothing near crippling what I usually get. So that too is new.

I don't think I'm hypomanic. At least not yet. I'll consider bringing it up on Tuesday's session.

And maybe you're right, San. It's a positive way to get used to being touched. I do struggle with holding eye contacts. It too seems very intimate. so I just pretend I'm being overly focused on counting. Because I don't know where too look.

[sanmagic7]

since you're putting yourself out there as far as touch goes, i don't doubt that, with practice, you'll eventually become more comfortable with eye contact as well.  take your time, sceal.   your pace, your recovery.  it'll all come full circle in its time, not to worry.

same with your clutter.  when you're ready to have it gone, it will go.  i have faith, so i'm sending you a loving hug filled with it as well.

[Sceal]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I just read your last entry to your diary, and I wanted to wish you the best with your studies - as I know you've got a few weeks left.  I find it hard to motivate myself to do things too - I often get concerned with clutter, but like you say, what does it matter really?  I always have some clutter to clear up, and some times I feel like it, and othertimes I think - I can't do it. 

Just wanted to say 'hi' and also extend a hug, if that's ok    It's great to be back in the forum again, and I wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and wish you well for a good day and week ahead.

Hope