Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

Hi Hope! Thank you for reading   I suppose you're right, I could have called my T today, and I partially intended too. But then, the day was gone - and I got too late.

I always apprechiate the hugs from you. Thank you so much! I would love to give you a warm and caring hug right back if you want one

Hi San,
I'm glad you liked the term. I do too.
And I'm grateful that you are all here. I hope everyone will have a strong and good easter. 

---
Someone asked me today how I've been the past week. And I don't know how to answer that.  I haven't felt great, but it hasn't been * either, and neither has it been somewhere in the middle. I remember bits and pieces. But I don't actually know how I am doing right now.  And it feels peculiar.  When I look at my week-chart from DBT, I've got high scores on Shame, Anxiety and Sadness. So I guess, not so good really.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my SA-lady. She asked me if I was angry, I didn't feel angry and I told her so. She said that my facial features were that of anger or maybe disgust. We were talking about my relation to my body. And I said, she's probably right. I couldn't feel the feeling, but when she said it - it made sense. I have poor control with food these days. I've not much of an apetite. I do eat, but I've no idea if it's too much, or too little. Or just enough. I can't tell. And I do have an unspecified eating disorder, so I am very stressed around food these days. Food and body.

On the self-compassion group, it was the last one last wednesday, they talked about something important, I know it moved me. And that it triggered important thoughts. But I can't recall now. Something about self-compassion increases hardiness towards stress. But it wasn't quite that too. I think maybe it had something to do with being aware of what kind of voice do I use when I talk to myself. Is my tone harsh or compassionate? Demanding, or loving? And how much that plays an important role. We all know how affected we get when someone talks to us in harsh tones, and how hurtful or stressful that can be - so why should it be any different when it comes to how I talk to myself?

At the Identity group today we talked about rewards. I told them that punishment and rewards go hand in hand for me. Because once someone reward me, or give me positive feedback/praise I feel I have to live up to those standards, and preferably beyond. And then there is no reward. The good grade was good, but now I have to do better. The painting I did was nice, so now I have to improve.  Constantly underlining the fact that I'm just never quite good enough. Or, on the other hand, if someone is being generous and gives me praise I am just waiting for them to ask me something in return. A favour, or a thing, or whatever - something that I will say yes to, because I feel obligated to. But don't really want to. And thus the praise becomes false, it's a lie.  One of the group leader in the ID-group said that it's a very common thing amongst children and youth who has grown up in foster-care. I never did. But he believed me, when I said I can't accept rewards from outside, and that I'm constantly berating myself or pushing myself to do better and it's just never good enough. Of course, this destroys any chance of actually feeling that I've mastered something. And a feeling of competence is proven to be vital for good mental health.  I told them at the beginning of the group that I dissociate alot these days. And I ended up doing just that. My body dissapeared, and I became all numb. I couldn't feel my body. I couldn't move my body. And the other group leader sat with me and talked with me after the group. I got partial control of my body after a little while, but then my right arm started shaking uncontrollable and I couldn't feel my right leg at all, even if she tried stomping on my foot. She took the time with me, gently getting me back to my body. And I was allowed to be vulnerable, and I let myself be vulnerable. Eventhough I have no idea what triggered me. I wish I knew. She said that sometimes it's the combination of everything, and not just one thing. She held my hand, and started moving it around - to control the movements and eventually the shaking disrupted. And she kept holding my hand. And I told her that although I generally don't like being touched, I - like everyone else - miss having a hand to hold. And then I burst into tears. It's the first time I've been able to say it out loud.

I feel I want to delve into this. Get more input and thoughts and conversations around identity, not just "who am I?", but all the layers that is part of an identity. Who's voice is my inner critic? Where does it come from? There is a transaction analysis in psychology that has a theory about three roles that we have within us "Child", "Parent" and "Rationality" (or something like that), and the child part is our emotion, the parent is everything that we've learned in life, so it's not an actual parent - it's more the internalized norms from upbringing. It could be from parents, teachers, peers -whatever. And then the rational mind that is less harsh, less emotional. More like a wisemind thing I think.  I can't quite identify when I'm where yet though, it's a little abstract. But it's interessting. What influences my behaviour? And why?  What values is the most important to me? and have their meanings become changed/destroyed/polluted by others? How do I take it back to be important to me?  And so many more questions that are important, but I can't quite put into words - because I don't have the words yet.

But it meant alot that the ID group lady held my hand, and gave me a hug. And more importantly, gave me room to be vulnerable.

[Sceal]

I don't know who I am. But I would still like to sit in a room somewhere, and without the pressure of the clock, have a conversation about life. Thoughts, ideas, vulnerabilities, concepts. To be accepted for my line of thoughts, to be challenged when I can't explain the reason of thought.  To get comfort, to get connection. To allow someone to be there for me, and let myself be vulnerable in the face of another trusted human being.

[Sceal]

There happened something lately in my country, something that could have had a big consequence for everyone. But the worst case scenario didn't happen, there was consequences - but not as big as one predicted.
However, in the light of these things going on something else surfaced from the dark and into daylight.
Hate.
Deep seethed hate. So many people in my country carry an unreasonable amount of hatred towards strangers. Disgust, fear, anger and hatred.  It scares me. This hatred. These people who carry so much hate - they become even more unpredictable than normal. Death threats has been made to alot of people (not me! and not anyone I know - as far as I know) because they disagree. It's abdominal.

It's making me paranoid. I'm already having deep seethed trust issues, trust issues that are coming into light of day for me these days. I don't trust my family to keep my secrets. I don't trust my friends wont judge me, or use me. I don't trust that my T will stick with me til I can stand strong on my own. And I don't trust new people. Who are they? What do they want? What do they believe in? What is their values, and do they act according to their own values?
At the same time: What are mine? And do I?

It's troubled water. I'm not in the storm at the moment, but I can't navigate the waters. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been. And I don't know where I am - how then am I supposed to know how to navigate?
And I don't trust anyone to help me or show me, because what are their motives? What do I have to do for them? Will I be okay doing whatever favour they ask? Am I bought? I feel bought.

I am also terrified this journal will be connected with me in real-life. I need this journal now. I do. But what about in the future? What comes online -never goes away. That's the golden rule.

[DecimalRocket]

It's strange how the inner critic makes us lack compassion for ourselves sometimes, and how high our standards can be.

I remember drawing an incredibly realistic copy of a famous painting at 9, and still thinking my drawings were terrible. Someone who tutored me at statistics told me I learned what she had to learn — one of the best students —in 2 days in 20 minutes, but I'm failing the class from absolute lack of self confidence to act on my answers because of an indimidating teacher.

You work more. I work more. All for perfection. But strangely, this isn't what solves it. People talk about the difference of self efficacy and self compassion in confidence. In self esteem, you try to up your belief in your ability to do. In self compassion, you try to up your ability to love yourself as you are.

It's strange how hard this is. The people who work the hardest and smartest are the ones most aware of their flaws, and somehow the ones most likely to doubt themselves because of it. But I think that doubt shows a deep self awareness of what you still can't do, so you can figure it out.

I'm glad you're trying to be self compassionate to yourself. Even if you suck at it, it's still admirable how your perseverance creates it.

...

I also feel like it's hard to trust people where I am sometimes. The news just make everything seem dark and dreary in my country. I've been getting more empathetic recently ever since I've been on OOTS, and now sometimes I can't stand watching those kinds of things.

I'm afraid I don't have the best advice for this — being on the spectrum, I sometimes worry if my lack of social awareness can lead me to being more easily manipulated. I guess all I can do is relate to you.

Relate to how you feel like you can't know other's motives for sure. Relate how you can't trust that no one will find your online identity. Relate how others might judge you and hurt you. Relate how others might abandon you. Relate to fearing not knowing what can happen.

Well, see you around, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

I will try to get back to you, Rocket. But right now, I have to write something else. 

---

They say you should breathe in and out in a calm manner, control your breathing. Distract yourself with something other than what is causing you emotional pain/distress. Take a step back and try to control your thoughts, before you deal with it. So that you can have a better perspective and not make any rash desicions.

They also say that if you control your breathing, distract yourself and try to control your thoughts that you are avoiding serious emotional and physical signals that your body is sending you that you should take seriously to avoid long-term problems.

These are both suggestions and points of view that has come out of research regarding dealing with stress, trauma and crisis. To me.. these are two oposite things to do. You can't do both at the same time. My DBT team would probably say something like "No situation is alike, and therefore different situations require different skills". But a triggering situation, or a stressful situation, or a re-traumatization all FEEL the same each time. So... how on earth am I supposed to know WHEN I should avoid the problem, and when I should "be in the moment"?  There's no guidelines for that, so how do I figure that one out?

I have avoidant personality due to my cPTSD, which is common in PTSD. But I also have avoidant personality connected to my mixed personality disorder. Which basically just underlines that avoidance is my strategy. It's how I've survived. There are many forms of avoiding things and people, and events.  It's not ideal, it's not even close to being good. But, how do I know? How do I know if my avoidance in any given situation is healthy, or if it is because I'm simply surviving?  Should I somehow stop avoidance all together? That would be problematic, as 90% of the time I'm not even aware that that's what I'm doing there and then.

I don't expect anyone to have the answer. Or have any idea of what the * I'm talking about, it's just thoughts and frustrations - because I can't figure it out. And I somehow think it would be easier if I did figure it out.

[Sceal]

Dear Rocket,

You touched upon alot of things, all very important. Thank you. I want to touch upon the topic of working hard. I don't think I'm striving for perfection. I used to be a perfectionist who didn't believe in perfection. Because what is perfect for me, is not perfect for someone else and thus the concept is void. But I work hard. I work hard so I can perform. So my fears don't gain control and bubble to the surface. I talked about this with my SA lady today. That rewards are not rewards for me, because it instills an expectation that after given reward or praise I then have to worker harder still to gain a new reward or praise, or be worthy of it, and thus I'm constantly working harder to achieve approval - you can see how this turns rewards into punishments instead.
I would love to not perform. I would love to connect deeper and figure out what on earth is going on inside of me, on the core level. But I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to pause. Because it's too dangerous, and this is a habit too well grown in.

I'm rambling.
I also wanted to say, Rocket. Thank you for relating to me. it means alot.

---
The last two months have been heavy. A lot of memories, flashbacks, and flashforwards. A lot of inter-personal fears, difficult choices to make and accept. Alot of difficult conversations. Alot of fighitng my own brain for it turning to slightly "ocd" thought pattern. Alot of fighting my desire to worsen my eating disorder.

So today, I allow myself to be actually tired.
I'm tired. I'm worn out. Why go looking for a reason spesifically for today? I've been fighting for a while. No wonder I'm actually tired.
Not to mentioned that last night definitively left a toll on me.

So I am giving concent to be tired. I'm not going to yell at myself for being tired. it's okay.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you can just let yourself be tired, sweetie.  all the issues you're looking at, all the emotions you're feeling, all the paranoia that's encroaching upon your life is exhausting to deal with.  it is tiring, and your body, brain, and mind all deserve to get some rest.

trying to figure all that stuff out can also be exhausting.  sometimes it will just come to us when we're not looking.  that may be what part of your resting will produce.  maybe not, but at least you'll get some rest that you need.  and that's a good thing in itself.

loving warm hug to you today and for as many days as you may need one, filled with soothing comfort and reassurance that you will get thru this and find you on the other side, even if it's a piece at a time.

[DecimalRocket]

It's okay to be tired, and I'm glad you're giving yourself some rest. I'm tired too, and I bet many of us here are.

Have a good rest,  .

[Sceal]

It was nice to allow myself to be tired for a day. I wasn't so kind with myself today.

I am trying to be kind with myself. The hormonal levels are currently imbalanced and it's making me more vulnerable and miserable.
I hate the consequences of hormones, the bad side I mean. They are so powerful, and it just sucks!
I was also up at my moms today. Wonderful weather, walked the dog in a foresty area and that was nice itself. But talking to mom about clothes made me feel awful.
We do not have the same taste in clothes. And she's been thin all her life, even if she's felt chubby, she didn't get to that until after menopause. I struggle finding clothes that fit me AND that I enjoy wearing. I don't have a single item in my wardrobe that I actually enjoy wearing. I haven't had that since before I was 13, when I didn't care. But I do care.
Clothes are a part of a person's identity. It can show something about a person. But it doesn't show anything about me. People presume I'm feminine, because the only thing I get to wear are dresses and skirts. And I only like that in a blue moon.
I feel like a bumpy, big, knarly pumpkin everytime I go outside. I am not comfortable in this body. It's not my body.
And most people don't seem to understand how much of an impact it has on me on an everyday level. I get that I'm complaining, I get that I'm whining. But this is painful for me. It is. I don't wear make-up, I don't dress up my hair or wear high-heels. I am not a vain woman, but I do want to feel comfortable and I do want to feel occationally pretty, and I do want to feel like I too am allowed to walk outside without being a laughing stock because my clothes are between 2-10 years old, outdated, full of holes, and doesn't even look good on me. They just cover me up.

I'm ranting I know. Forgive me. Most of the time I try to push this issue away, away from my mind and my emotions. Away - so I don't have to deal with it. But occationally it pops back up. And it cuts deep every time. It just sucks.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, i didn't see any whining here, altho i certainly can relate to it feeling like that.  i'm just really glad you were able to bring this subject out in the open for yourself.  thank you for sharing.

clothes have been a struggle for me most of my life.  growing up rather poor, most of my clothes didn't fit properly or were homemade.  i have never been a fashion follower, because trends and fads tend to be expensive, and change so quickly that it's easy to be outdated in an eye blink.

i've been up and down with weight in my life, too, and currently am bigger than i've ever been.  i remember when my body began really getting sick - i blew up 4 sizes in 2 weeks.   my belly puffed out like i was pregnant, and even when i'd gained weight in the past, it had never happened like this.  i've since learned this is a peculiar physical trait in response to stress.

so, i also know the feeling of 'this is not my body', feeling so uncomfortable in it, buying clothes that really weren't me cuz someone else wanted to update me fashion-wise, and having a bunch of stuff i either don't look good in or doesn't suit me.  now that i'm writing this, i may just toss some stuff i haven't worn or don't really like.  what's the sense of keeping them around?

so, i dress as best i can, even tho in my mind's eye i look totally different than what i see in the mirror.  i think that's all we can do, really.  i work on accepting where i am physically, but that's not easy, and it's definitely taking its time to get there.  don't know if i ever will for sure.

anyway, my dear sceal, i want you to know that you're not alone with this, if that helps at all.  i'm writing it all off to c-ptsd so that i can feel a little less self-blaming, a bit more accepting.  i wear my own style, even tho often it's a throwback to the 60's.  that's where my heart resides, how i feel most comfortable. 

i'm also very sorry about the hormonal stuff.  you're right, they can wreak havoc with the best of our intentions, with our psyche, with both our personal and worldviews.   you're also right - it sucks.  so, i'll send you an un-sucking hug and lots of love. 

[DecimalRocket]

Sceal, I can't relate much. I've been insecure, but not of my looks, and comments of being physically beautiful or ugly has no effect on me. Though thinking of having a specific gender with my looks worries me, and I try not to think about it too much. Though, I've had friends who felt this way, and I've seen a lot of these kinds of issues online.

It must be hard really. Changing yourself physically is something incredibly difficult when it comes to weight. Not to mention other physical parts that can't be changed much because of genes. Unlike the things I'm insecure about which are often invisible traits, physical traits are easily seen. People can look at you and they'll know it, and you'll know they know it.

I've been introduced to cartooning before, and while I'm not that good at it (Things that aren't STEM or writing related is a little. . .), I often found it interesting how different body shapes are on characters. When looking at animation where everyone looks exactly the same isn't as interesting, and variety speaks to the talent of a cartoonist's ability to show the uniqueness of a character. 

Sometimes I observe people's different appearances from afar, and I like how different people are. I remember when reading about drawing, one artist talked about that when she drew, everything was beautiful. There's a counterintuitive drawing trick where people are supposed to draw a picture that's upside down. This is because they're more likely to see it purely as lines, shapes and shades rather than be prejudice to it of what you think it is.

The special thing about drawing is that they don't draw what they think is there. They draw what they really see is there.

[Sceal]

To san and rocket
I know how to sew, I've sewn several items for myself. But I don't know how to make patterns, so it's still the same problem.
I don't fit.  Part of it is the weight, but most of it is that this body was used against my will. It's no longer mine. it doesn't belong to me. It's like a tumor I can't get rid of.
I am not comfortable. Most of the time I can't even feel large portions of my body. It just doesn't exist. But I see it. And it disgusts me.

---
I've been overeating. It's not comfortable. It's stupid. And I don't even know why.
I should analyze what's happening right before. But I barely notice my emotions. I don't feel empty, I don't feel numb. I just don't feel.
I think. I don't know how to describe this either.
I feel at the lack of words these days. My friend asked me why I have the need to constantly perform - and I don't know. But everything is a performance. Every social engagement, my meals, going to the gym, my conversations at the SA centre and with my T, my art, my writing in my journal. And by performance: I mean that I have to be prepared, I have to do my best, it has to be good enough, smart enough, engaged enough.. I just generally have to succeed. I don't know where it all started, or if it's still part of a habit I picked up so I wouldn't be found out when I started getting sick for real. Or maybe it's shame in the driving seat. My friend says it sounds exhausting. And it is. I should figure out where it comes from, and how to adjust my habits and thinking. I try to be open and vulnerable in my sessions with my T, so I don't shut her and myself out from me. Because I do that. I avoid myself as much as I avoid everything else.
It's not very theraputic, but it works as a survival technique. The only problem is, i'm not in danger at the moment. I don't need to simply JUST survive. I do this during good periods too, the performing. It just taxes me less. My friend thinks I should bring it up with my T, but I worry that it'll be a distraction from the trauma-therapy. And that is what I should focus on, not all of these other quirks and weirdnesses, struggles and problems.

[camille13512]

Hi Sceal,
I haven't finished reading your journal so my comment might be inadequate and I apologize in advance for that.
It may not be the same, but I feel the necessity to perform too, like there is no room or space for mistake, or it just feels safer to me when people do not see what is real me, and the real me should not see light until I fix the "wrongness" that might cause my existence to not be tolerated any more. Like you said, it is extremely taxing and exhausting, but the urge to survive is strong even when the mind knows there is no immediate danger. At the beginning of my sessions of my T, I often think very carefully about what I want to say so that it would maintain some kind of "better image" of me as a patient (so that she will not refer me to someone else or dump me). It took a while before I open up to her without this "precursor", and it worked out in a semi-natural way. Maybe your friend thought it is related to trauma and hence the suggestion, but if you don't feel the timing is right or you are in the process of being open in front of your T, it does not need to be addressed yet. Or if something bothers you at the moment in the session with her, it might be ok to describe the specific feeling a little bit without the distraction? In any case I hope your session will go well the way you like it to be, and here is a hug I hope you won't mind.
Camille

[DecimalRocket]

I'm sorry you're still digusted with yourself. Maybe my comment was being pathetic and I was being terrible. I'm sorry for that.

I get the need to perform too sometimes. I get the sense that what I say is interesting. That what I accomplish and do should be best all the time. I don't overwork anymore, but I still have that nagging voice in my head that I should. I thought back then I was deeply loved, but much of the love seemed to be for my accomplishments, not me.

I don't know if it will ever go away, but I hope you can heal on this, Sceal. I don't know. Maybe.

See you.

[Sceal]

Hi Camille!
Thank you for reading my journal, and for writing back to me. I deeply apprechiate that.
I can relate to wanting to appear as a "better" patient at my T, with the same reasons as you - but also to avoid being a taxation on her. So she doesn't get burnt out because of me. I don't want to be labelled as a "difficult" patient. At the same time I don't want to be labelled as a patient who can handle the world on her own either. Because, I can't.  I'm very open with my T if she asks me directly. She once said "I am not sure if you trust me fully, am I right?" and I told her she was right - but I couldn't tell her the reason yet because I didn't know why. And recently when we delved into my first trauma I felt so exposed and so ashamed I had serious trouble looking at her, or even being in her office. And she called me a few days later asking how I was and I told her that I am scared of meeting her again, because now she nows. I'm afraid she'll judge me.  So, in that way I'm open with her. But I still have to prepare for each session, and it stresses me when I don't know what next session will be about. When there's no plan on my side. I'm not always able to describe the emotions going through me, and sometimes I can't speak at all. It's like I'm tongue tied. But I then I tell her later. In a letter.
I would love a hug tonight, thank you! And one back to you, if you want and/or need one Thank you again.

Hi Rocket,
your comment weren't pathetic, and you weren't being terrible. There is no need to apologize I didn't explain it well enough the first time around. I feel I stumble with words these days. I can't express what's going on in my head or heart properly.

I can relate to getting love, or in my case more acknolwedgement, for my accomplishments and that it's not really me. My SA lady has encouraged me to take a break from accomplishments for a while. I'm now pausing my education. And the moment I did so I jumped back on other "accomplishments", I guess it's a big signal to me that I really need to take a break. A proper break. Although, I feel like I'll be labelled a spoiled brat who doesn't know hardships, who doesn't know how it is to work 40 hrs+ a week. And that's true. I've never held a job for 40+ hrs a week, not a "proper" job anyway. My book was more than 40hrs a week, but that was enjoyable. So I feel I can't justify taking a break.  Maybe it has to do with identity? Because who are we behind the accomplishments? Who are we outside of work, education, cPTSD?
I don't know who I am. Do you know who you are outside of these things?

----
I've started on my father's birthday present. It's just going to be a drawing of his boat. It's not very good. It wont be. I simply aim to finish it in time. And I hope he will be happy for it. It's both something I need to perform at, skill wise in art, but more so to pick up the habit of creating anything. Finishing something again. Doing it for someone else, with a purpose seems to help.
I've started sketching again. just simple shapes of women. Trying to get the flow of a full sized human body without making them stiff. it's difficult. I'm judgemental. But I also know that I need to practice to become better. And I know I can become better if I keep at it. And I know that it isn't good enough yet - I know this because I haven't practiced enough and because it's the truth. It's not just the inner critic.

I feel calm today. A semi-silent argument with my M found it's sollution earlier today. She started new medication a few weeks ago, and it's been helping her. It's making her less agressive. It's good. I hope it continues this way.