Am I in the right place?

[Dave Moonwood]

Hi people.  I don't know if I'm in the right place, but here goes, perhaps you can show me where to go if I need to be somewhere else.

My partner has CPTSD, due to neglect and abuse from her mother during her childhood.  I have supported her journey of recovery since we got together two years ago, although it has been a rocky road, and its only in the last three months that my partner has become aware and comfortable with self identifying as CPTSD.

My problem is my boundaries - i feel like I don't have any, that they are walked over continuously.  I arrange my life to make sure she feels safe and in control, which means not going out on my own, not developing relationships with work colleagues, and most significantly dealing with her rages and being 'frozen out' when she's in fight/flight (reliving her trauma).  I recognise that I have my own issues of people pleasing and avoiding conflict, so we are a perfect match (sarcasm!).

It's just reached the point where I am thinking of moving out as I don't know how to protect myself any more.  But I have become really close with her two children, and I don't want to see them hurt or abandoned by me.  We are in therapy, and I want to continue this, but how do I step in and say 'I need boundaries' without her feeling out of control/shame, and pushing me even further away?

If there's a 'partners of those with CPTSD' forum, please direct me, because I really need help.

Thanks,

Dave x

[Sceal]

Hey Dave!

People pleasing is a hard habit to break, and I think it requires alot of awareness in situations. Being aware of your own reactions to situations, aware of what you really want to get out of the situation, be aware of how you can get your own needs met - and of course room to explore these different aspects.
There's a few skills that I've learned in DBT (dilectic behavioral therapy) that might be helpful to you.
I'll just list them down below here.

First there's a script you can use, it takes a lot of practice (I'm still practicing) to be able to do it. But it's a script that allows you to ask for something, or voice your opinion. I think this one would be quite helpful in relations to your partner and voicing your concerns that you too do need boundaries. Or you need to be allowed to go out and be with friends and similar:

- Describe what the problem is you want to bring up. And use it with clear language. "I want to talk to you about my need to go out bowling every second saturday"
- Express how this is important to you, tell her your feelings. "This is important to me, because I feel that it would help me relieve my stress."
- Assert. Don't beat around the bush, be clear about what it is that you feel and think.
- Reinforce : Explain how this will benefit the both of you. Focus on the positive aspects if possible.
- Mindful: Don't get distracted and allow the conversation to change focus. Stay firm on the topic, repeat if nesseccery the original problem and how it makes you feel without accusing her of anything.
- Appear Confident: Be sure of what it is you want. Try to avoid saying sentences like "maybe it's not a good idea..." which will make it possible for them to convince you that you don't need it. Use your body language relaxed but persuasive - don't crouch away. Keep eye contact.
- Negotiate: Be willing to compromise, the most important part is to find a sollution that works for both sides. Don't put the entire responsibility of the problem onto yourself, but ask for alternative sollutions "If you feel Saturday is a bad day, maybe Tuesday after work is better, what do you think?" or "How do you think we should solve this problem?"

I'm suggesting this one in particular because it can help you set boundaries with people as well. To say no, or inform that the situation isn't working out for you, and together you'll have to find a different sollution. It's hard, I don't manage to do all the steps. But the first two ones are my favourite.

Another skill is the skill called STOP.
It has 4 steps. And is handy in the middle of a confrontation or a fight, where you feel you're losing control over what you're actually saying.
1. Stop. Don't react, don't move. You're emotions are attempting to control you.
2. Take a step backwards: Take a break from the argument, breathe. You could say "I just need a moment." "Give me a moment to think on this"
3. Observe: Notice what's happening around you and inside of you. What is the situation? What is your thoughts and emotions? What's the other person really saying? What's the facts here?
4. Plan with mindfulness: Decide what to do, what you can bear in mind both to your own thoughts and emotions and others. What is your goal in this situation? What can you do to improve the situation?

And the last tip is simply to ask for more time when considering something rather than saying yes straight away.

I also struggle with setting boundaries. It's really hard to practice saying no. And finding out when I actually can say No without damaging the relationship I have to others, and when Yes is okay. And when I can say yes, but need to change the timetable.
I'm suggesting this because it does seem like a part of you want to keep being in a relationship with your partner, and maybe talking it over with her before you make any desicion might be smart. Just remember to have these conversations when both of you aren't highly emotional. When activated and highly emotional it is difficult to think straight.

Other than that, I just want to say welcome to the forum. And I hope you can find some help and guidance here!

[Three Roses]

Hello there, Dave Moonwood, and welcome to the forum! Where you've posted is fine, although if you want to start a thread in the Welcome section you may get more views. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=10.0

Do you suppose your current couple's therapist could help you two come up with a plan for when you feel a boundary has been crossed? Your boundaries are every bit as important as hers! And in fact, having your boundaries trampled time and time again can be CPTSD-inducing and damage our "capacity for self-care" - http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911

I hope you find lots of support and information here. Thanks for joining!

[Dave Moonwood]

Thank you so much, there's a lot of really helpful stuff there.  And thanks for welcoming me, that means a lot.  It's good to be here. 

Dave