New and oh so tired

[ah]

Hi, I'm new here too. Thanks a million for these forums.

I'm not sure what I can write about myself that won't seem unbelievable... though I bet you'll know what that feels like. I had sadistic psychopaths for a family and the atrocious violence I suffered in childhood continues in adult life. At every turn I managed to find the local psychopath and the abuse continued at home, in the family, at work, getting worse and worse. There are no words to describe how violently I'm treated on a regular basis by an unending supply of psychopaths and happily obliging flying monkeys. Even though I've gone no contact with everyone I possibly could, there are some who simply stalk me and keep attacking, even now. They've openly told me they'll keep going after me for life, that they consider it their life's mission to make sure I'm hated and attacked by everyone and everywhere.

It's tiring... I work on myself a bit and then Wham! a new attack arrives and I fall back again. No rest.

Just started reading about psychopaths recently and the term "emotional flashback" was like a shock. I started reading about c-ptsd and was speechless... I had no idea. I just naturally assumed it was me, of course! That everyone in the world is lovable but me, with whatever inherent flaw and evilness that I obviously have deep inside me. I keep reading and thinking but I can't say I stopped believing in my own horribleness. It's so ingrained and the continuing abuse is a relentless deepening of the whole thing.

I wish I could believe there was a life after abuse but for me, I think there isn't. I'm no longer able to move away or change my life to rebuild it around normal relationships. Too many things that are totally beyond my control make it impossible, health and finances 'etc. 'etc. I now see much more clearly the habits I had and how I wasn't good at setting boundaries or looking after myself in the past, but it's too late to build an abuse-free life. Hopefully it's not too late for others.

Sorry I don't have much optimism to share today.

I wish no one else had to go through this, though reading about it I know many people do. I wish evil people came with a big fat warning sign that said "Beware, dangerous lizard-brain ahead! Run and don't look back!"

Sigh.
So in short, thanks for setting up these forums...

[Blueberry]

  Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you've had and are still having a really hard time. I'm sorry.

I don't have any words of comfort though I feel I should have. Just wanted you to know you're heard.

[Quiet]

I'm so sorry that you've faced such a difficult life 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, ah! Sorry I missed your original post, I see you posted this a couple of weeks ago. Don't know how I missed it. 

I remember learning about EFs, too (not that long so ), and having a lightbulb moment of "omg it's not just me!"

I do hope to hear more from you. Thanks for joining!

[Traveller]

Hi, I'm new here too. Thanks a million for these forums.

I'm not sure what I can write about myself that won't seem unbelievable... though I bet you'll know what that feels like. I had sadistic psychopaths for a family and the atrocious violence I suffered in childhood continues in adult life. At every turn I managed to find the local psychopath and the abuse continued at home, in the family, at work, getting worse and worse. There are no words to describe how violently I'm treated on a regular basis by an unending supply of psychopaths and happily obliging flying monkeys. Even though I've gone no contact with everyone I possibly could, there are some who simply stalk me and keep attacking, even now. They've openly told me they'll keep going after me for life, that they consider it their life's mission to make sure I'm hated and attacked by everyone and everywhere.

It's tiring... I work on myself a bit and then Wham! a new attack arrives and I fall back again. No rest.

Just started reading about psychopaths recently and the term "emotional flashback" was like a shock. I started reading about c-ptsd and was speechless... I had no idea. I just naturally assumed it was me, of course! That everyone in the world is lovable but me, with whatever inherent flaw and evilness that I obviously have deep inside me. I keep reading and thinking but I can't say I stopped believing in my own horribleness. It's so ingrained and the continuing abuse is a relentless deepening of the whole thing.

I wish I could believe there was a life after abuse but for me, I think there isn't. I'm no longer able to move away or change my life to rebuild it around normal relationships. Too many things that are totally beyond my control make it impossible, health and finances 'etc. 'etc. I now see much more clearly the habits I had and how I wasn't good at setting boundaries or looking after myself in the past, but it's too late to build an abuse-free life. Hopefully it's not too late for others.

Sorry I don't have much optimism to share today.

I wish no one else had to go through this, though reading about it I know many people do. I wish evil people came with a big fat warning sign that said "Beware, dangerous lizard-brain ahead! Run and don't look back!"

Sigh.
So in short, thanks for setting up these forums...

[Traveller]

Sorry you are having such a horrible series of experiences. Hope you feel less alone connecting with this group.

[justdontknow]

*Hugs*

I'm glad you came here. I wish you could escape this horrible situation and carve out a better life for yourself. Keep reaching out on here. Everyone's capable of healing. The human spirit is so strong and incredible. You are a brave, strong human being and you are finally realising you deserve better than what you've had and things that have happened/are happening are not your fault. That's the first step to being free from these horrible psychopaths.

[Three Roses]

P.S. I guess it makes sense the emoticons don't work!!! 

this made me chuckle.

I'm afraid there is no easy answer. I'm still learning! And each person is different ... but for me, getting better has meant talking about it here, reading everything I can get my hands on from reputable sources (Pete Walker, Bessel van der Kolk, Richard Grannon on YouTube, anything by the Blue Knot Foundation in Australia - the Resources section here has more), and therapy which helped (gestalt) but I've suspended until I can get trauma-informed care. I believe the key is knowing what's going on inside you, physically. Hope this helps!

[caseyjobs]

Hi ah - thanks for your post and welcome to the forums!  I'm new here myself.

I wanted to respond to the sentence "I wish I could believe there was a life after abuse but for me, I think there isn't."   When you've had as much abuse as you describe, how do you possibly get past that, rebuild a positive self image?   I have no clue.  I can certainly empathize with that feeling, that sentiment.  I'm four years or so into more consciously dealing with the abuses that happened to me and while I've made a lot of progress, some days I still wake up and have that feeling.  Crushing, overpowering, world ending, too much responsibility, how do you even manage anything at all?

So I wanted to say that believe it is possible to recover from terrible abuses and complex trauma.  Even to say that, I feel like I have to protect my trauma, to assert it, to acknowledge that it's easier said than done, and to protect your trauma, because I don't know it, the extent of it, I haven't lived it, and so who am I to say it's possible? 

I'm slowly accepting that I'm a human like everyone else, and in that context I am allowed to share my thoughts and feelings. I'm also slowly accepting that trauma is the default lens through which I will understand life and see it till this lifetime is over.  But I can also build myself some corrective lenses, some thought glasses, so to speak, in my habits and my thought patterns.  And I can help others.   This is becoming my purpose: to take the wealth, the depth of pain and turn it into something that others can find useful (writing, art, music, etc.), so maybe others or the next generation doesn't have to go through as much of the ringer.  I have to believe this way, because I don't see any other choice that ends with me being happy and healthy.