New and Slowly Losing Hope

[Regardz1]

Hi.  I am new to the forum as of this morning.  It's hard to even know where to start.  I have CPTSD from long-term abuse/neglect in my childhood.  I am in my early 50's.  I have two grown sons, am divorced, and remarried to someone I've been with for over 7 years (now my wife).  By all accounts, life is very good with one big exception...my CPTSD - especially how it effects me at work  (I was a stay-at-home mom while married to my husband but went back to work after I left him - he was also abusive).  For the past 20 years, I've tried more medications than I can count (I've basically given up and only take small doses of Klonopin at night), alternative therapies (biofeedback, EMDR), counseling, meditation, exercises to keep myself in the present moment.  Basically, no matter what I try, I cannot regulate my emotions very well.  It's not unusual for me to find myself sitting at my desk fighting tears or feeling enraged.  Being in an office around other people is unbelievably stressful.  It's particularly difficult, because I function highly enough to hold a job and perform well all while desperately hiding the fact that my brain is a mess of wild thoughts and roiling emotions.  It's hard for me to have many close friendships.  The one person in the world who I trust is my wife.  I have to work.  I feel like the only way for me to work without chronic stress and emotional distress would be to work at home or work short-term jobs (i.e. a temp company), because then I don't have to form relationships or engage in conversations.  I'm finding more and more that any interactions with people trigger my thoughts that I am a bad person.  I have always struggled with the feeling that I am just a bad person:  I'm mean, I'm whiny, I'm a downer, I'm too loud, I shouldn't have said that, They're talking about me, People don't like me...it's endless and exhausting.  The fact that often I feel/have mean thoughts about people or just don't care (often have little empathy for people outside of my immediate family) just reinforces that I'm bad.  I am unable to gauge how people perceive me.  I'm paranoid.  At times, I even question whether my own children love me and have paranoid thoughts about them.  Yet, every indication is they love me very much and are close to me.  My wife loves me and tells me I'm a good person, but it never sticks for long.  She tells me everyone has good and bad in them...that everyone is flawed.  Sometimes I feel split down the middle like there are two of me:  The happy, kind, empathetic, confident me that is continually overshadowed by the angry, scared, uncaring me.  It's exhausting.  I have a few good days, and then I find some interaction or event sends me into a torrent of anger/frustration/fear that I have to haul myself out of.

I don't know what else to do but keep going, but I worry that some day I'm going to snap.  That I'm just going to pack up my car, drive to some remote place and disappear.  I can't stop work at least for a few more years.  Temping doesn't allow me to make enough or put money towards retirement.  I wouldn't even begin to know how to start my own company or what I'd do.  I know that I'd love to do something where I am working closely with those in need (people in the prison system, the homeless) but I don't have the appropriate experience or background.  Going back to school again is not an option.  And, I start to hate any job I'm at for very long, because I can't handle getting close to people or dealing with the normal dysfunction you find at almost any job.

I wonder if others on this forum struggle with any of this?  Thanks.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, your story is so very similar to mine, I almost felt as if I'd written it myself. I agree with you about keep on going, I have days when I feel so confused about who I am and where I'm going in life, I feel like my head goes round and round in circles then I come back to where I started from and am non the wiser. At the moment I'm working with a counselling psychologist having some EMDR and general counselling, we are going through my feelings of having no purpose in the world, I feel I want to work but can't dont want to stay at home but don't want to socialise either, want to stay sleeping but desperately want to get up and that's how my every day feels, thank god for alcohol and cigarettes they are my unfortunate vices I have taken to, to get me through. Cptsd is the worse thing isn't it as it totally destroys your identity, I just wanted to say hi to you and for you to know your not alone in this.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to you, Regardz1!

I'm retired now but I totally relate to how you feel, having to work around people.

I have always struggled with the feeling that I am just a bad person

This is an inner critic voice, known around here as our ICr, and a very common problem for all of us here.

often I feel/have mean thoughts about people or just don't care (often have little empathy for people outside of my immediate family) just reinforces that I'm bad

This is a less discussed problem, the outer critic, but no less problematic for us as well as the ICr.

I have been in some sort of therapy side I was in my 30's, and I'm now in my 60's. I've only discovered CPTSD and started educating myself on it since I joined this forum, in May of '16.

The medical community here in the States where I live is just now getting on the bandwagon, and broadening their understanding and treatment of CPTSD as more than just PTSD with an extra letter.

Self-education has been key for me, as well as learning there are others like me. For most of my life I just felt like a misfit. To discover there is a community with whom I share a specific language has meant the world to me. Reading anything by Pete Walker, Bessel van der Kolk, and watching various other videos about how trauma affects our brain has made a world of difference in the way I understand myself.

Hopefully you will find some info here to help you. Thanks for joining and reaching out! Together we are making a difference.

[Regardz1]

Hi, your story is so very similar to mine, I almost felt as if I'd written it myself.

Thank you for the response.  It helped just to type everything out this morning and read a couple responses from people who understand.

[Regardz1]

Self-education has been key for me, as well as learning there are others like me. For most of my life I just felt like a misfit. To discover there is a community with whom I share a specific language has meant the world to me. Reading anything by Pete Walker, Bessel van der Kolk, and watching various other videos about how trauma affects our brain has made a world of difference in the way I understand myself.

Thank you for the recommendations.  I will most definitely follow-up on this today.

[Blueberry]

  Welcome Regardz1,

Some of what you write sounds familiar, esp. about work. Only I had to leave the normal workforce about 20 years ago and never made it back. When I can, I work in one or two fields as a self-employed person because there's no way I could fit into a company again or function as an employee. I have to be able to decide how much I work for whom, when and how...

I have also tried many different types of therapy, including some rather alternative ones. I combine them and sometimes am pretty good at finding my own way, at least a few therapists have said that in the past. 

Now that you've found OOTS I hope you'll regain some hope! This is a great forum with tons of information, support and caring. OK, I'm in therapy too, but besides that this forum has really helped me progress in the past 6 months.

[sanmagic7]

hey, regardz,

there's so much of what you wrote that i can relate to, i was amazed.  especially the crying.  it doesn't matter if it's something tender, hurtful, on tv, in real life - i can start crying at the drop of a hat, not really knowing why.

i'm finally going to see a t next week, am hoping to find out more about this.  i'm so glad you're here, and i hope you find some answers.   you're not alone in this - we'll figure it out eventually and move forward from it.  it just may take some time, but i have faith.   big hug to you.

[Sceal]

Hi!

I am a little worn out and empty of words right now. But I just wanted to ask you if you've heard of DBT? It's a treatment that originally was made for those with struggling emotional regulating (such as BPD). But it's also being used to treat and help symptoms of PTSD in any form. DBT lasts for a year and you have one individual therapy a week, and one group gathering a week (the group is working through a manual with different sections. One of them is Emotional Regulating. And you talk about situations where things might occur, and you get homework. Nothing overly and sensitive personal ever gets discussed in group. No trauma, no personal stories. Just examples from struggles in current everyday life, and trying to find ways to overcome those struggles), and also the possibility of calling your T outside sessions to get help with struggles happening there and then.

[Candid]

Stay with us, Regardz1.  We each have a horror story to tell, and we help each other along.  I'm glad you've joined us.   

[Regardz1]

hey, regardz,

there's so much of what you wrote that i can relate to, i was amazed.  especially the crying.  it doesn't matter if it's something tender, hurtful, on tv, in real life - i can start crying at the drop of a hat, not really knowing why.

Thanks for the encouragement and reply.  Yes, the random tearfulness is so difficult to deal with.  My most difficult time is in the morning.  They can be awful.

[Regardz1]

Welcome Regardz1,

I have also tried many different types of therapy, including some rather alternative ones.

Me too!  It's about the only thing that does get rid of the symptoms all together.  Just wish I could do it daily. )

[Regardz1]

Hi!

I am a little worn out and empty of words right now. But I just wanted to ask you if you've heard of DBT?

I am sorry you are worn out and appreciate the reply.  I will look into the DBT.  I have never heard of it.  I ordered one of Pete Walkers books yesterday (at someone else's suggestion), so will research the DBT.

[Regardz1]

Stay with us, Regardz1.  We each have a horror story to tell, and we help each other along.  I'm glad you've joined us.   

I plan on staying here and continuing to read people's posts.  Thank you.

[Sceal]

I am sorry you are worn out and appreciate the reply.  I will look into the DBT.  I have never heard of it.  I ordered one of Pete Walkers books yesterday (at someone else's suggestion), so will research the DBT.

I hope Pete Walker's book will be enlightening to you. I've not had the oportunity to read it yet. I hope DBT might shed some light for you, if you have any questions about it, I'll happily answer to the best of my knowledge. I'm currently halfway through it.