The most difficult letter *trigger warnings SA*

[Sceal]

J.

It's two years ago now, two years since the beginning of our story.
It was friday night, everyone was partying.
We were drunk.
You lured me away into the forest, you flirted, you made moves.
I got scared, I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing.
Your phone called, it was your wife. She was wondering where you were. Where were you, J?

We rejoined the party around the bonfires. The singing was loud, the accousting instruments were almost drowned in the night. The alcohol was plentyful.
It was a great party, I was buzzed! The day had been a success, and the following day would be another successfull day with costumers and games and new friendships. I hadn't slept in days, in fact, I hadn't slept most of the summer. I was coming off my high from being hypo manic. My first, and only, mania. And I didn't sleep the following nights.

Your wife dragged us to bed. I was sharing the room with her, you and your kids and step kids. In theory. Your wife kicked you out, she knew you'd be snoring loud and keeping us all awake. I went to bed, but I didn't sleep. I got restless and I went downstairs to start preparing for tomorrow's event. You werent asleep you either.
You followed me.
You were drunk as *.
You pulled me into a large empty room.
You wanted me. You wanted the forbidden.
And no one says no to you.
Ever.

This is where my memory gets confusing, J.
I know now what it means to be hypomania. I know now that I had no boundaries left to be crossed. I know now the afteraffect of that night and all the other nights that followed. But, I don't know if I wanted you. I don't remember if I said yes, I don't remember if I were of sound mind and could actually make that desicion that night of my own free will. I don't know if I can blame you for it, I don't know if it *counts*, I don't know if it is all my fault, and it's just because I regret it. One of my biggest fear is that I wanted you. Another is that I wanted someone to break me down again because I didn't deserve to be getting better from my past. A third is that I had no choice whatsoever. And a fourth is that I simply submitted, without any fight, because that is what I was taught by my ex. That when men wants, they get what they want, regardless of what I want or desire.

So how do I untangle this, J?
Does it count as much as the night where I can truly say you r*ed me in my sleep, in your 8 year old daughters bed? Do you realize how sick that was?
Do you?
Do you even care?

I was so ashamed, so scared, I blocked the event out. For months, but my body remembered. And it continously told me, for months after that one. Your wife even called me an ambulance one day because I was seizing. I still didn't understand. I didn't want to admit it.
I got a speeding ticket and nearly lost my drivers lisence because I was so full of anxiety driving in your neighbourhood. I was sick to my stomach that I had to spend a whole week-end with you again. That's when I realised, that's when I remembered. That's when I had to admit to myself what you had done, despite me explicitly saying no.
I went to my doctor, I told her. She wanted to admit me to the psych. ward. I wish she had, but I said no. I had obligations, other people were expecting me to deliver. To help out. To do the work, I was the leader of the group at this point afterall. And the annual event was on again. During the day I walked and ran from place to place so much I busted my knee and I could barely stand on my leg for weeks afterwards. At night I hid in the car. I locked it and hid under blankets, clothes, sleeping bags. All sort of crap so I wouldn't be seen from the outside. I didn't sleep. I most certainly didn't sleep when you sent me a text summoning me.
I didn't answer.

The last time I remember seeing you was at another party, a small gathering rather. A private gathering.
I was so scared, so I drank. I drank to forget, to numb the feeling. You were after me.
All the time.
I don't remember much from that night. But I know you did stuff. I know. I woke up with a huge lump at the back of my head.
I don't know how I got that. The others laughed it off, said I was so drunk I couldn't stand on my legs. And that you J, you had taken me for a walk to "sober me up". You whispered in my ear that I'd gotten that lump when we'd been out walking.
What did you do to me, J?

I am no longer in contact with you, your family. Or any of our mutual friends. You won. You got them all. I never told any of them, you're safe. Your reputation is safe from me. You've manipulated me enough to know I will suffer if I open my mouth.
And I will be honest, I am deeply ashamed that I could never repport you to the police. That I couldn't go through the re-traumatization of rapporting you, and then having the police reject the case. My only hope is that you will never do this again to someone else. My biggest fear is that you wont leave your kids alone.

I am constantly afraid. Afraid you'll be at the door. Afraid your wife has found out and will be at the door. I am afraid to run into you on the street, I rarely if ever walk the same path twice in a day, and never on the same day and time three succecutive weeks. I don't think I can put it in words how much your actions have affected my life and my future.

Tell me, did I deserve all of this? Was I just a toy to you, something to be used, discarded without thought of consequences? Was it a plan of yours to break me, to see how far you could go? Or have you no idea what you've done to me? Do you consider it all fair play amongst adults?

We live in a small city, I do not believe I will ever be as lucky to never see your face ever again. So I don't feel safe. I fear you will find me one day. Or that your wife will, once you've told her what you did. Except you'll tell her it was concentual, and she will attack me in a voilent rage. You know that is likely.
Everyday, I fear for my life or for my sanity.

Congratulations,
You won.

[Blueberry]

Oh Sceal, if I may and it's not inappropriate right now 

Good on you for writing all this! I'm proud of you (see, it works for somebody else).

I feel speechless. I can only say I'm so, so sorry that you had to go through so much and that you're still not safe. And no wonder you were having trouble concentrating on studying later today, after writing this.

[Hope66]

Dear Sceal,

I am so sorry you've experienced any of this - I am also speechless at all the things you've been through.  I think you have done so well to write all of this down - I hope it felt a little better to share it - to know that people care about what happened to you - you didn't deserve any of this -  to you Sceal, if that's ok.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Oh Sceal, if I may and it's not inappropriate right now 

Good on you for writing all this! I'm proud of you (see, it works for somebody else).

I feel speechless. I can only say I'm so, so sorry that you had to go through so much and that you're still not safe. And no wonder you were having trouble concentrating on studying later today, after writing this.

I am so sorry for my late reply, Sanmagic. When I read  your reply I had to take a break, and then I ended up forgetting. Really though, thank you for reading. I am sorry it wasn't a pleasant read. But I really apprechiate you reading all the same. J, and the others are always there, at the back of my mind. Visual flashbacks occur far too often, though less than they did, and they too keep the feeling of being unsafe fresh and alive. One day...

And I do see how being proud for someone else works 

Dear Sceal,

I am so sorry you've experienced any of this - I am also speechless at all the things you've been through.  I think you have done so well to write all of this down - I hope it felt a little better to share it - to know that people care about what happened to you - you didn't deserve any of this -  to you Sceal, if that's ok.

Hope 

Thank you, Hope. I felt sick and nearly threw up after I wrote this letter. And later on, I've realised I should have added more. As I neglected to write about a memory I had blocked. Maybe I'll write about it later, in a continued letter to him.
But it does feel better now, to have written it. To have shown it to you guys, it's no longer a secret only I carry, that is slowly tapping me of life.


A  to you both, Hope and Sanmagic. Thank you for reading, and for commenting. I cannot say how much it means to me.