Emotional mess

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Liminality

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Emotional mess
« on: September 25, 2017, 03:32:49 AM »
So many things in my head I think I'm going to implode. Maybe collapse like a castle of cards. That's how fragile and vulnerable I feel right now, and I hate it so much.

I can't hold a job because my symptoms (flashbacks and panic attacks mostly) are too invasive. But last year I managed to start writing again, so that's what I do most of the days. I write fiction, publish on the internet, and do my best to keep my self-imposed deadlines. And it was going so well, the only thing I was holding onto, the only thing I was really proud of.

Except now I'm having a depression relapse, and I honestly can't find it in me to work on my next chapter. At all, for ten days now. It's infuriating, and frightening too because last time this happened I spent four years trying to get back the strength to write regularly. Four years! I can't lose four years again! But the mere idea of working on my current chapter gives me nausea, and that in turn makes me feel like crying.

I've had chronic pain issues because of irritable bowels syndrome for nearly a full week now, it just won't stop hurting, and on top of that I'm dealing poorly with the heat wave hitting my country. Even taking a shower doesn't help, because the humidity level is so high I can't get rid of the wet feeling afterwards and everything becomes sticky and disgusting.

So I'm kind of in this weird awkward place between feeling numb and overwhelmed at the same time, with too many icky/painful physical input to properly deal with, and I'd usually bury myself in a heap of blankets to forget about the world for a while but !"/$%?& it's too hot for even that and urgh.

Sorry for the rant. I don't usually do this, but when I talked to a friend earlier they tried to fix me instead of offering validation/empathy, and I ended up pretending everything was fine so they'd shut up. I'm not fine. I'm a hot mess and all over the place and please make it stop.


(Can't remember if I took my meds this morning, but if I didn't it's probably not helping. So I'll post this, put tomorrow's dose on the table so I won't forget in the morning, and go to bed. Perhaps have a good cry. Hopefully I won't have insomnia on top of everything else.)

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Three Roses

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2017, 04:21:20 AM »
All I can say is I'm so sorry. No words of wisdom. You're not alone. :)
« Last Edit: September 25, 2017, 11:56:09 AM by Three Roses »

Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2017, 05:07:00 AM »
Oh I know how you feel, really do.
I've been needing to work on my creative project for I don't know, a month now? But I can't bring myself to work on it and it's so frustrating, and there's this fear in me that says I'll never work on it again. :S
It's this silly cycle, being pressured to work on something but that pressure makes it harder to get started on working said thing.

[Trigger Warning but only because "when I talked to a friend earlier they tried to fix me" and I'm probably offering 'fix' like advice so read or don't read, up to you. :) ]
I've just been trying to reassure myself lately that it's okay to take some time off. And maybe instead of writing the actual thing, you can try planning the plot/characters/story/scenes a little? It's something a little easier to do and it hopefully gives you some satisfaction and a boost to want to write. :) Actually that's a great idea, I need to try that myself. Haha! Why hadn't I thought of that before. Welp.
[End]

Sorry to hear about the physical pain and temperature though. :S Must suck so much.
I hope things will get better for you soon!

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woodsgnome

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2017, 05:39:15 AM »
I've been in situations where all I want is to disappear, especially if someone comes along with a 'fix'. On the other hand, that's laughable--I could die and no one would be along for weeks. And if they did I'd probably chase 'em away in my base need to just be left alone.

Right now, right here all I can offer is a dose of empathy--we're with you. Hope you can sleep well (I'm not which is why I'm up at what's a late hour for me--partly due to stifling heat here as well). Here's a wish too that the creative spark you've shown here will return for you soon.

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Liminality

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2017, 02:33:54 PM »
Thank you so much, all three of you. Fortunately it doesn't look as bad this morning. I'm still extremely tired, in pain, and the heat wave isn't over so I'm probably prone to ups and downs as a result, but at least I didn't forget my meds so I feel more stable and able to deal with it. Things are looking better right this moment so I'll try to make the most of it.

Aphotic, thank you for the suggestion. You're very right, I can at least try and do some planning, or maybe edit the work that was already done. My creativity isn't dead, I'm just having trouble accessing it right now. Maybe my chapter isn't as bad as I remember it and re-reading it will cheer me up. With a bit of luck it will be bad and I'll get the urge to work on it, haha. Wish you the same.

Woodsgnome, I hope you managed to sleep a bit despite the heat. I'll try to pace myself today, drink a lot of water and maybe nap for a while when the heat becomes too much. Hopefully you can do the same, but if you can't, hang in there. It'll get better.

Thank you again for being there when I needed it.

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JamesG

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2017, 02:55:40 PM »
Hi Liminality

I'm an indie writer too. I have much the same issues, and all I can say is that you can only roll with it and ease up, push at it and it starts to feel heavier, that's my observation. Write when the mood is there, and if it's not, kick back, it returns. Self motivation is great, but it can sure feel like self abuse at times. Take some time out, it'll come back. I'm learning to accept the PTSD symptoms as being a reality and going with the patterns, it takes huge pressure off if you do. Good days and bad days, it's the way of our worlds. hang in there, It'll come.

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Liminality

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2017, 07:07:37 PM »
Thank you JamesG. Yes, I know the best way is to just roll with it, but it's so hard and makes me so mad (and sad, and fearful, and... so many emotions all at once). I fought four years with depression just to get this one thing back, and now I'm losing it again? It's not fair.

But you're right and I'll try to be kind to myself, read as much as possible in the meantime, try to get myself interested in my story and characters again. And I wish for your own bad days to bother you as little as possible. Thank you.

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JamesG

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2017, 08:49:53 PM »
It will happen.. what style do write in?

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Liminality

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2017, 01:04:27 AM »
Fiction, a little bit of everything. Right now I'm working on a web serial so it's less genre specific and more exploration of different themes via character interaction. I have an overarching plot, but it doesn't rear it's head in every chapter, and if I was pressed to describe it I'd say it's "drama", which doesn't mean anything really.

But other than that I'm working on two novel outlines to write when I'm done with my serial. One of them is halfway between drama and mystery, protagonists are a serial killer, his would-be victim, and the detective trying to find the kidnapped teen. It deals mostly with themes of power exchange, starts with the serial killer being in complete control and ends with his victim taking her life back. As you can guess I'm beating a lot of demons with that one.

The other one is firmly set in the Solarpunk genre, I don't know if you've heard of it? It's described as speculative fiction focussing on themes of community, technology powered by renewable energy, cultural awareness, arts and crafts, etc. Mine averts the usual "utopia" setting as the story is set on the brink of a civil war, but as they say, no conflict means no story.

And you? ^^

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JamesG

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2017, 06:47:04 AM »
wow, you've got a lot of story there! Sounds huge fun.

I write comedy supernatural thrillers, absurd things. Not doing too badly at the moment but I'm failing in my promo activities.

I began writing when things were pretty bad, was a great tonic, but the more recent dissociative effects are tough on it. When I do get going tho it's really good for C-PTSD, I can almost get high on it. I find that the way to get fully back up and running is to build up to it, like changing gears. Writing a short story often seems to get me back in the habit. A lot of writers have complex pasts and depression so I guess we are in good company! I just know that I need to go with this period and accept the down time, the head needs to rest. The writing bug won't vanish, it just needs a bit of space to play in and that space is busy right now on recovery. Don't tell my readers that tho, they started demanding book 3 the moment I finished book 2. bless em

Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2017, 10:11:20 AM »
Aphotic, thank you for the suggestion. You're very right, I can at least try and do some planning, or maybe edit the work that was already done. My creativity isn't dead, I'm just having trouble accessing it right now. Maybe my chapter isn't as bad as I remember it and re-reading it will cheer me up. With a bit of luck it will be bad and I'll get the urge to work on it, haha. Wish you the same.
It's no problem. ^^ I should review my own work as well. That usually gets me quite inspired.

Also, perhaps someone should make a thread for 'CPTSD Writers'. :) I'm a writer myself, or at least, I just write as a hobby, not really anything fancy. And it'd be interesting talking about what kind of stuff we write about, how it helps us, etc. ^-^

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Liminality

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2017, 01:01:53 PM »
When I do get going tho it's really good for C-PTSD, I can almost get high on it.
YES! :aaauuugh: You're the first person I meet to ever understand this! Usually when I say things like "I don't need drugs, I have writing, it gets me higher than anything else and is just as addictive", I'm met with uncomfortable stares and confused blinking. But the mix of, I don't know, adrenaline and euphoria? The feeling is akin to free-diving I guess, or riding on a rollercoaster, with a little bit of vertigo at first when you dive head-first into that vortex of exciting unknown, then you pick up speed and enthusiasm, and soon enough you're flying along with your fingers on the keyboard. It's the most incredible feeling I've ever had.

You're right though, I should try to work on a short piece for a while. I tried in early August when things became hard (I've had a rough summer between dealing with high maintenance people and animals plus a string of bad news, so this depression/C-PTSD relapse really isn't surprising) but a bug erased more than half of the +/- 10k words I had so I set it aside. Maybe I should pick it up again.

Also, perhaps someone should make a thread for 'CPTSD Writers'. :) I'm a writer myself, or at least, I just write as a hobby, not really anything fancy. And it'd be interesting talking about what kind of stuff we write about, how it helps us, etc. ^-^
That sounds like a really good idea. Have no idea where we should start it though. "Ideas/Tools for Recovery" maybe, or the general section? Or rather somewhere in the "Community" section of the forum? (I never go there, maybe I should.)

(Also, about your "I don't write anything fancy" -- as far as I'm concerned, to call yourself a writer you don't need to be published or even show it to anyone else! You just need to share the pleasure of expressing yourself in words. ^^)

Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2017, 01:27:14 PM »
but a bug erased more than half of the +/- 10k words I had so I set it aside. Maybe I should pick it up again.
Oof, that must have sucked so much. :S Absolutely hate it when I lose progress on things, especially if I've written something that I deemed almost perfect.

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That sounds like a really good idea. Have no idea where we should start it though. "Ideas/Tools for Recovery" maybe, or the general section? Or rather somewhere in the "Community" section of the forum? (I never go there, maybe I should.)

(Also, about your "I don't write anything fancy" -- as far as I'm concerned, to call yourself a writer you don't need to be published or even show it to anyone else! You just need to share the pleasure of expressing yourself in words. ^^)
I can make something up and throw it in here; http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=136.0
I think that's the best place for it and if not a mod can move it anyway.
But thank you. :) I'm happy to be called a writer.

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Sceal

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2017, 01:28:06 PM »
I also think a writers board could be nice.  :) Id love to hear how you pick your themes and how you devellop them into stories. Ive had problems with that after my first book got out.

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Liminality

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Re: Emotional mess
« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2017, 01:43:03 PM »
I'd love that, Aphotic! Will let you create the topic then, and happily participate when you do.

Sceal, I agree, there's so many things to say on writing and it's an incredibly powerful tool of recovery. Anything creative is, but I have to admit writing is my favourite and I love reading how others approach it.

Thank you so much, all of you, for turning what started as depressed moaning and ranting into such a positive topic.