This creeps me out

[barbidoll]

So not sure if I sound crazy saying this but this is something that bothers me. Wondering if anyone else who has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused would be okay with it or if it would make them as uncomfortable as me. 
My son has gotten into the habit of texting his Dad that he wants something. Dad just shows up with it. Last night it was chicken nuggets. No there is no contact with me about it and I am suddenly opening the door to someone who makes me extremely uncomfortable. That is probably an understatement btw. Also I bought our son chicken nuggets that night when he asked at the store but they were not from McDonald's like his father bought him.  I don't know but the fact that he feels like he can just show up without a word to me just seems not right. Maybe I am overreacting?  I mean I don't even want people I feel comfortable with showing up without giving me a heads up. Would this disturb anyone else? 
Sorry guys I am really struggling identifying what is normal and what feelings I have a right to so I need a little help with it.
Sidenote: I left this man when my son was a baby. My son does not know a lot of the things his Dad has said to me that are just not right and some are actually disturbing. I actually have an email where he claims he saw something in my daughters eyes and that was why he was so hard on her.  There is probably way too many examples of why I feel like this is crossing my boundaries but I still wonder if I am crazy or wrong for feeling this way. How would you feel if you were in this situation?

[Kizzie]

I don't know but the fact that he feels like he can just show up without a word to me just seems not right. Maybe I am overreacting?

If you haven't already done so, you may need to make your boundaries very clear to him and to your child that they must check with you first about things like this.  FWIW that would be both normal and reasonable from my perspective.   

[barbidoll]

Not sure if either would respect those boundaries. My son's father because to him I am "only an address" or because it is between him and his son. I can also anticipate being called controlling which to be fair I am pretty aure he has done but I can't find the memory at the moment. My son might not respect it because well Dad doesn't exactly show respect and I don't think he will encourage him to respect me if my son complains about me. Maybe I can figure out a work around by explaining to my son how other parent's might handle? That is actually how I Iexplained to my son why I need to be home before he runs off with Dad for the weekend.  I don't want to be anal but I don't to be walked all over and I have let this man and others to stomp on my boundaries all my life.

[Dee]

You have the right to who comes to your house and when.  If you allow this to continue, you are not teaching your son anything.  It is easier said than done, but I believe the best thing is to set the boundary.  If the boundary is not respected you can get an order that he may not go near your home.  No one has the right to just show up.  It may also be an opportunity to talk to your son about boundaries and rights.

It would greatly upset me if my ex just showed up unannounced.  I actually did set the boundary that he is not allowed in my house if I am not there.  He would come to pick up one of my kids and then if I wasn't there he would go through anything he saw laying around...mail, paperwork.  Now, he sends a message from the driveway when he arrives.  I didn't get a court order but I made him aware that I can.  Any judge would grant one for that reason.  This was an issue I worked on in therapy to help me get the courage.

[barbidoll]

I so need the help woth courage.  I have set boundaries in the last year like I will not respond to texts and phone calls any longer. He still sends me crazy stuff in email but at least I cam take my time in deciding to answer and how.  This was actually easier for me to set because it was in our court order.   Of course the court order says neither is to harass the other and I have days where he has sent me 40-50 emails but I try to only respond to what needed. I know boundary setting is an issue for me.   I often take the path of least resistance because I am afraid to stand up for myself.  I am working on finding myself some help but sometimes even trying to do that seems scary and
overwhelming. But thank you because I actually want to set this boundary but was doubting my right to do so. 

[LittleBird]

the court order says neither is to harass the other and I have days where he has sent me 40-50 emails but I try to only respond to what needed.

This is overstepping your boundaries. It would be inappropriate, with or without the abuse history you described.

His behaviours sound like long term controlling behaviours: covert as possible, guilt trips, accusations etc. and using your children as pawns. I don't think you need to worry about being controlling. Is there anyone you know who could provide more advice, specific to your situation?

[barbidoll]

Yes long term and controlling is accurate. When I was moving back down south he kept telling me I had to notify him everytime I crossed a border even if we were on a plane.    I don't really have anyone to run all this by right now. I do have family but I feel guilty when I bring them this stuff so I don't as much.  I am trying to find a way to get me psychiatric help without insurance and little money right now. 

[Dee]

My ex was extremely controlling.  For the first year after our divorce he would call constantly and send up to 30 texts a night asking me if I did things he told me to do.  Also, if there was a school issue he would demand I tell him what I was going to do about it while telling me what to do at the same time.  I would start to panic, feeling like I owed him an answer.  I gradually learned to ignore him.  The first time he sent a text asking if I am ignoring him I felt good.

This is a power, control thing.  If you can't go to therapy perhaps read a book on boundaries.  I like "Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin."  I also read "The Dance of Intimacy."  Both were extremely helpful and I have to reread them occasionally. 

I too have a son and more than anything I wanted to teach him respect.  I didn't want him to grow up like his dad and he was my motivation to do what scared me.

[barbidoll]

I am going to find something for therapy sooner or later. I realize I have a lot I have that I thought distant would solve or protect me from.  I just have to figure out.
I like reading though so any books that would be helpful are great too.
I want my son to learn respect too.  I don't want him to turn out like his father either.  I have tried to do that a little too much by taking the past of least resistance. It feels sometimes I am expected to cooperate with this man even at the expense of my peace of mind.
Anyway I appreciate the feedback.  I have held so much in for so long now. It is nice to get it out and have some sound feedback on it.