First Inner Child Communication - Group Therapy

[rbswan]

Hello All:

My first post as I found this site not too long ago.  I'll introduce soon and love the identification, hope and healing I've found here.  I want to process my first real verbal communication from my inner child and welcome comments and experience.  If this is long I apologize.  Very brief background - Me:  male adult child of trauma, narc mother, alcoholic father, C-PTSD for sure, 8 years of 12-step, 2 years of therapy and group therapy.  Group therapy is awesome with a lot of experiential work.  Me and 5 women.

I've been doing a lot of primal grieving in group - tantrum to grief, anger work, shin cycle (breathing to grief), fully emoting, etc.  This work has been helpful slightly reducing and taking some of the wind out of emotional flashbacks.  I've tried some contact with my inner child on my own through non-dominant hand writing and meditation but haven't connected much except for some one or two word answers to written questions.  I've tried a gestalt with inner child in group a year ago and it didn't feel like a strong connection and I think I disassociated. 

What happened:  I went to Group Therapy the other night planning to do anger work (using a tennis racket to hit a mat while emoting).  I watched two of my group members do a psycho-drama first with them playing their child and therapist playing adult "them" or the healthy parent they never had.  While watching I started feeling the "inner balloon of ache" in my stomach.  I'm starting to recognize that feeling as my inner child trying to tell me something.  He wanted to say something and he felt safe trying it in the psycho-drama format.  When it came time for me to do my work, we set up two chairs facing each other.  I was in one playing my inner child (the one that wanted to speak) and in the other my therapist playing my adult.  As soon as I sat down I felt like something "dropped" into my body.  This is significant as I don't have very good body awareness.  My shoulders shrunk, I felt small, my arms and head felt very heavy.  Also, the skin on my arms tingled and hurt slightly.  My fingers on each hand touched lightly in a submissive way.  I felt it in my body which was new.  I won't process the whole conversation to limit the post and will just list the two most interesting of the things he said to me (therapist)

"You never listen to me.  You get scared and check-out and leave me to talk.  Everyone thinks I'm stupid and hates me and doesn't want to be around"  Feelings:  chest aching, body heavy  Posture:  Head down looking up at therapist, glancing down a lot.  I process this as my disassociation around authority figures or triggering people.  I monolog or get nervous or sometimes intense.  This is a good awareness I think but scares me too.  I know I disassociate but I never thought to deeply about the fact that I leave my kid driving the bus!

"You're stupid and I don't like how you think your so smart.  Stop trying to know stuff.  I never do anything fun. You're stupid and boring"
I think this is his response to my compulsive research on my condition and recovery work.  He wants me to start having fun.  The thing is, I haven't since I can remember.  I'm grateful for the message though.

He didn't say much else.  In fact he refused to answer a lot of questions.  That's enough for now.  I would appreciate to hear about any experiences concerning early contact with an inner child that doesn't trust you.  Thanks for letting me go on about this. 

Sven

[Three Roses]

Sounds like you really connected, good job!